I believe I have a sense of what that is. It may be the string which ties all your thoughts and ideas together, slowly weaving through them, attaching them to one another. Not a mythical string, but a actual experience based string, actually traveling through your life and that of another, together, not through monologues or explanations, but through lunch, or a phone call, or the simple pleasures that come from running your nails along their arm as they rest their head onto your chest. For instance take what I have written about the idea of wanting those thoughtless high school nights back, to me that may actually be the material the string is made of and as you begin to knot that feeling of being 14 again around the ideas you have thought of or pictured in your mind. You begin to feel what it is like to get all the pieces of a very scattered puzzle to come together.
You chase the string like the chase of a relationship as it knits its way through all the different ideas, sometimes even missing and grabbing the ideas of the person you have met.
Sometimes we need to FEEL like we are teenagers again in the very basic sense, where our own age in our minds becomes that of a pubescent adolescent, which honestly, when do we NOT feel that anyway, we don’t age mentally as much as we think we do.. anyway I digress, if we apply that to what we know now and how we have grown, allowing us to actually enjoy the ride, what an awesome ride it can be.
Our own lives and inhibitions we have built up to protect ourselves and those around us from the society we are a part of can stop us from just living in a moment. We want we, we need, we feel blah blah. But whatever happened to just waiting till the next time you SEE the person. It is often missed with the millions of options we have these days to communicate and we fall in love with ideas written on paper, not applied interactions. I mean obviously, chase or no chase, I feel there is something very cool about just knowing the other person may be thinking of you and if not, there is no harm no foul. As a song lyric said the best,
“On my heart remains a trace
All that I seek is this moment
All day in my mind I recreate
If there was a way to get back
This feeling of the chase…”
So what does it mean? I dunno. All I know is it is nice to see some of the ideas I have written down and analyzed in my head making a little more sense, not as a plotted out plan, or as THIS IS HOW IT IS, and more of a left and right turn on a very windy road of intrigue. Cause they are moments I wrote down in my life when my brain thought to write it and not every bit of me, but smaller bits of who I think would be cool to be. But they never really had a shape, more of a giant pile of HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF “DEFINITE”, if anyone reads it as WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR, because holy shit that must come off as me asking to be married on day 1, when in actuality I am learning they were probably just experiences I was expressing from things I have seen, heard, experienced. It is the road through some of them that is exciting.
We are all unique people in our own way, and it is important to be able to figure out through interaction if we will ever be able to scratch the surface of the other person, because we all hold onto who we are strongly and it is hard to figure out if the other person: A. Will be able to figure you out, and B. Not invade our lives so we or they become more important than everything we have worked on to be the adult we have wanted to be since we were 7 and a “half” years old. So a balance between the childish feeling and the need to actually be an “adult”
So I plan on just driving the road like I did when I first got my license, FOR THE FUN OF IT, with no clear defined destination, racing down streets familiar, not afraid to get a lost every now and again, music blasting, windows open, cigarette blazing.
(FACEBOOK COMMENTS RELEVANT TO THE POST)
Then, we also have the question of how we let society affect how we love. Being in a same-sex relationship is a constant struggle for me, as you … See Moredamn well know. The bigotry I’ve experienced from that is part of my armor that I’ve built up–constantly on the defense about who I love.
It’s nice to ride love just for the fun of it… Nina and I are on a joyride right now… We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t have a time frame to get there– we are just enjoying the ride [in our practical lesbo Subaru haha].
sure, it doesn’t mean you NEED otheres to survive, we are fiercely independent, but just knowing someone wants you around is an awesome thing – especially when you are a complex individual. and feeling the excitement of being wanted and feeling the thrill of living in the moment (no matter how on the edge that moment may be), knowing you and that moment with that particular person may never happen again, and taking that moment for what it is, an experience, a memory that shapes you and who you are in some way, shape, or form, is what we need to continually remind ourselves of and for which we should be grateful, even if we want more time and more moments.
no matter how crazy you are acting/thinking/feeling, when you find someone who realizes you are not crazy (friend or otherwise), when you find someone who just gets you, appreciates you, and loves you for all of the things that even you sometimes don’t appreciate or love about yourself, is when you find love in its purest form, and is when you know you have found a soulmate in this world – again, as either a friend, significant other, or family member. when that spontaneoous combustion occurs, the scattered pieces of your life’s puzzle start coming together and you know you stand for something because you are appreciated by someone else and you and your existence holds meaning in this world which can sometimes be unforgiving and fleeting….
though i am quite confident that no one will ever truly figure me out, as you mention above (as we many times show different faces of ourselves to different people), i know that just letting go, being true to yourself, and enjoying the shit out of who you are will bring the right people in to your life, especially when you need them most. living in the moment, having fun, and driving down that road without being in control or knowing what is going to happen next can be exhilarating, but it can also be extremely scary and cause butterflies to go nuts inside of your stomach from the nervousness of it all. that’s when you need to just take a deep breath and just be. no pressure, no worries, just you and the oxygen flowing through your veins, sprinkled with your thoughts and gratitude for being able to breathe another breath on this earth.
regardless, we only have one life to live, and all we have is today, and hopefully tomorrow, if we are lucky, to wake up and keep connecting with ourselves and with others. and then hopefully, someday, you wake up and that one person comes along that just gets you and the world no longer seems tilted on its axis and it spins in sync with your soul instead of in a tailspin, and all seems calm and right with the world. but it starts with love of yourself, because when you have that, you can do anything, be anything, and be proud of who you are with or without someone else….
and hell, if you do wind up not finding that person who just can figure you out and doesn’t make you change into someone you aren’t or don’t want to be, well at least you have yourself, the music, a 40 ouncer of old english and a pack of camel crushes for when shit really hits the fan!
xo,
halasa
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I would add to that the feeling that sometimes you can exhaust yourself on these drives, but you defined how to pull back and just breath it through. 🙂
