Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: tristanpope

“Making Love” – When our eyes become the dialogue.

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Have you ever fucked? I have. But have you ever made love without cringing at the thought of some love infused, inflated hallmark bullshit moment of clarity, unobtainable in a society filled with euphemisms and broken promises of the next best thing, let alone even be able to mouth the words “make love” without throwing up in ones mouth slightly, while giggling? I have.

I laid in a bed and rested my arms on the pillow beside her head. My chest lightly resting on hers, my elbows folded and arms arms by her ears, hands around her head.  My position not indicative of any motion other than perhaps a small tilt back and forth. Yet even after years of numbing internet porn and personal fetishes and kinks, I will never forget what it felt like… to not care about the foreplay, the outfit, the music, or the right motion for pleasing myself or her because in that moment, in that locked moment both physically and emotionally, with all the images I could have brought to mind or ability to ravish her body with my eyes, me leaning over her in what can only be described as the most classical girl/boy position, I met her for the first time all over again.

This was not the first time we had sex. It was by far not the last, but it was certainly the most memorable and amazing sex I ever experienced. It all happened in the eyes. We were locked so close to one another, able to kiss softly where I could lift my head just enough to make out her face in a photographic depth of field blur causing the sides of her face to melt into the bed sheets and her eyes to pierce mine. As if I were 40 feet away but the distance causing the perfect Bokah effect of our faces. I looked into her eyes and her into mine. The lights were on dimly, we didn’t close our eyes to match expectations or fears of not doing it by the book. Yet we were in an almost missionary position that could bring yawns to most couples faces if asked in passing how they like to fuck in passing on the street… an Elizabethan approach on love making these days, but because of it’s traditional positioning, the man on top, the girl underneath him, the weight being equally distributed by some defying physics, and the feeling of safety that came from the cocoon we created around each other, and our eyes became the dialogue.  We stared at each other and I stayed inside her and her around me. We moved slightly but each time her eyes kept my gaze, every moment I knew she wasn’t going to look away, I became more aroused and more in love. My arms were around her causing an acoustical anomaly echoing every sound in this small world we had created, that could drown out the worst day, leaning in to kiss her neck and hearing my lips on her skin and her breath in my ear or her moan through the vibration of my lips…

She didn’t need a Disney princess and I didn’t need a modern day porn star. We just needed to know one anthers inflections of the eyes. And we spoke to one another with every single movement. We were pressed up against each other and our bodies did what came naturally, but our eyes gave us comfort, they gave us hope, they gave us a sense of calm. We would kiss, eyes wide open and then just rest on each other’s foreheads and stare. No motion changing the angle, no outside influence telling us what to do. We guided one another with our eyes and it became apparently clear in that moment what it truly meant to love someone and share it intimately.

I don’t believe in love at first site, I believe in attraction, pheromones, compatibility, likes, dislikes… In a world where we meet someone way before we “meet them” there are so many factors we can’t control: will we like their smell? Will we like their voice? Will our bodies fit in relation to one another? Personality and music taste is a characteristic not a predetermined part of us. We have so little control over so many of the big pieces of the dating puzzle, but when those pieces line up and we get to that moment where we are exposed and naked laying together, starring into each other’s eyes, allowing our breath in our chests to move our bodies, letting nature take over, if there is love, it is the most exotic, sensual love you can ever feel.

I can only hope everyone gets to that date or moment like I did. Mine didn’t last forever but I will never forget it and I will always remember it as if it is a bookmark of a chapter in a book I really must read again when I finally find the right book that is worth getting to the metaphorical end.

For now that book lays on my shelf and I eagerly await when I can read again but with all the experience and life under my belt to make the words new, the interpretations different, and the sensations unique to the person I say I love you too… again, but willingly, openly, and accepting of. I will allow my heart to break until I have to buy another book shelf to put the these moments on, if that means, eventually, I never have to read again.

Practice Dating and Lists

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When I was young, as many others did, I had created a list of “wants” for a significant other. While this seemed to work when I was 14, as I got older I realized this was a really poor way to approach dating. I guess I figured “must have beaten the third stage of the fourth boss in my favorite video game” was a bit too unrealistic.

So what better place to explore the “no expectations” ideal than online dating. Oh the irony. Online dating is starting to look to me more and more like a dating 101 class than actually meeting people to form a real relationship.

I mean between figuring out how to end poor dates without excuses, learning the different sub genres of people and personalities, and actually enjoying yourself, you have to battle through those who are using the tiny semblance of anonymity provided by these sites to boost their egos, recover from breakups, or feel they are not worthy of another counterpart due to a self perceived flaw.. so you start to subconsciously make that list again!

But unlike childhood we aren’t writing these down, making some sort of crayola version of an excel sheet to keep track, we are just experiencing it on every date we go on and either smiling or cringing when it happens.

All the different parts of people, their voices, their personalities, their likes, dislikes, outdoorsy, indoorsy, drug use, animals, kids, social skills, their height, their body size, their smile, lips, sexual compatibility, smell, pheromones, 2d pictures vs 3d in person… That silly list you had as a child starts to become a real thing but this time with dislikes, likes, loves, and deal-breakers. Yes deal-breakers are a thing, that one thing that you can literally breath out and say, “phew I don’t have to talk to 5 people at once and just 4 now that I realized this person has a deal-breaker.”

What I am starting to realize is there is a lot more that needs to match up for a match that can bring me happiness, problem is there is really no way to expedite the process. We have to experience multiple dates with these people in order to get past intuition and actual application in real life scenarios. I didn’t realize someone I liked was extremely racist until we went out for the third time and I almost crawled under the table as she berated the Chinese waitress for not speaking perfect English.

Each person we date or are attracted to usually has one or two of these things we have been adding to this fictitious list, but not all of them, making us feel unsatiated, thus afterwards deciding to move on. Not only the good but we are adding the bad too. So as we date more we are checking things off the list but simultaneously and maybe even subconsciously adding them. Because the difference is night and day when we meet someone with 90% of our indescribable experience list… Even the smallest thing like the sound of someone’s voice can have a huge impact.

Is the massive amount of dates just making us numb to seeing what is right in front of us? Or worse yet are we piling onto a metaphorical list through jaded dates? Are we putting more value on the bad than the good? It is like after each date we are rebounding and the next person who is the opposite of the last date just jumped up the list because we aren’t seeing the things that may be even worse for us.

Not to mention, going from one person that may have been a great experience to the next can change your emotional state. Stressing or depressing your ability to give the new person the same amount of uninhibited attention and creativity. You may be left feeling a little empty having fueled the person before to full. Not that you don’t want to give your all, you just have a bit of burn out. Who doesn’t want to give their best version of themselves?  But we do have to remember, that version was specific to the other person and how they made you feel. Remember that. This I believe will allow you to do your best to be who you are now, burn out and all. Let it breath it’s own life into this new moment, with this new person, however it shapes itself. Due to the numbers game that I speak about in my podcast, “Things change, make a conscious effort’, you just never know how much time will pass in between your next “good” date/experience. This can take an emotional toll and be draining. I don’t have an answer on how to not pile onto the lists of prior nor avoid the burn out, I guess speaking with the person about it as I talk about in my podcast “Embracing the Past, Verbalizing the Present” could be an option if the person seems receptive to it, being open to those reflections being your today, not defining it, but having a say in your day. Perhaps this kind of un-abated raw honesty could make these transitions easier for everyone.

I guess I am still a romantic at heart because even when recovering from the last date, or subconsciously playing Jenga with my “lists”, when I run across someone who breaks the mold of the categories and sub-genres I have put people into.. Someone whose voice makes me nervous that I might stumble my own words, but more importantly, feel comfortable enough to do so and makes me feel insecure and vulnerable from the chance that they not feel the same way, yet secure and safe to say it anyway… if you can embrace it, you realize how little your “list” intentional or not matters. You realize that the moment, the day, the want for tomorrow is now your list. Your list is defined by timehad, time spent, and time to come. You don’t see a giant scroll with your Christmas wishlist to Santa anymore, but you hear the jingle of the bell when you still believed.

I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly help us make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real or a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it.

But for now the list grows, changes, gets marked up, folded, bookmarked, highlighted, and the like. I cannot wait for the day that I can tear it to shreds and start actually diving into the real fun: Love.

A Metro Lumberjack with Wifi

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If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum, and wear plaid. I am great with my hands, and will always choose to try to fix something first before asking for professional help. My grandfather who could build the craziest inventions on a workbench only I was allowed to share with him, my grandmother a seamstress who taught me textiles and sewing, and my mother who combined both of these in her creative approach also gave me the gift of music and art that led to a skillset that is diverse in nature.  But I also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. I am plugged in at the hip to most things technology, both because I have to and want to. There is something to be said about going off grid from time to time though, and ultimately I would want to find someone to pull back from the need to use social media versus the enjoyment of casual perusal. It comes down to perception: Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others ideas it is inception? *epic music here*

I am really not a fan of bars or packed clubs… Every now and again it is enjoyable but I am 9 times out of 10 happier with you laying on me in the middle of the park. Shit I am even happy without talking and just enjoying the people and falling asleep in the afternoon. Does that mean I don’t like going out? Hell no, I love it, but I love the woods, I love the water, I love working on a project, building something with my hands, wearing my most comfy outfit while sitting on the patio but enjoying the company of everyone around. Grab a drink, don’t grab a drink, order some food, whatever you want. I want to wake up the next morning after cuddling with you to have coffee, knowing damn well that this is going to make us both have to poop. It is calm and natural. Also I am damn good at doing nothing and being 100% ok with it. I do not have FOMA (fear of missing out). I did when I was younger but then I realized that fear was actually causing me to miss out… Mostly on enjoyable things by forcing myself to look for it too much, often ending in tiring boring nights of the same old shit.

Watching the other people at bars and clubs makes me hate civilization. Looking at these people lining the walls, with a fake “yo I am cooler than you” face is weird. Watching every girl coming in with more and more ass hanging out confuses me. Sitting in the corner of a smelly room paying excruciating prices for a glass of 20 dollar bottle of wine. I will never understand it. Shit I wanna use that dance floor to make a fool of myself. Surrounded by people who will enjoy it. I would prefer the opposite of any dance film where everyone is a professional and just have the worst person in the middle be the winner.

I often try to think of ideas for third and fourth dates and I realize I want to do the same thing I would suggest for 1 and 2, food, a museum, the park, a hike, pool, maybe a movie on the couch? Do I feel like it makes me less attractive, yes. I feel as though to fit in sometimes you have to know the best restaurants in this city of culture and diversity. You have to be able to suggest the best wine, not to mention afford it. You have to write that you like sarcasm and travel in your dating profile, even if majority when really broken down in percentage of time their travel to staring down at the phone ratio would paint a different picture. I am extremely well traveled. I don’t have a want to travel just to travel, I have a want to experience together. But I am truly just happy to be with you. As long as we are looking in the same direction, laughing at the same people we walk by, I am happier with you, and noticing the weird looking squirrel than wherever our destination may be, hopefully you notice the squirrel too. I am also content just to be doing our own thing but around each other. (according to those close to me, I can be 1000 times more productive when someone is just sitting with me) I find that exploring and finding the cool places with you would be more fun than a fully planned out evening ever could be. I also wonder if asking you to the park on a first date is going to make me less “mysterious” and a “man’s man”, hindering my ability to “court” you. Does a big bill and drinks = fuckable and a calm day in the park = boring? I just wanna scream “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” sometimes.

I honestly fantasize about living as far from a busy city as you can get. I fantasize of waking up to the smell of coffee, going into the yard and doing some work. I’ve always loved to just walk outside barefoot to get a breather from the day, it inspires me, it gives me life. Then perhaps I go to work or do some chores, ultimately ending up home next to you, maybe you are reading a book leaning on me as I fall asleep or we are just in the same house finishing up what we need to do. But we are together and there is no pressure other than the need to take care of life, each other, and check in on youtube cat videos here and there. I think with the right company this lifestyle will give more pleasure than a fast paced, high paying, job could ever. Or why not both? I mean we were raised with the idea that eventually we find a job/career, make money, and love, yet we always seem to put love on the backburner.

But back on topic, will our first date in the park be on the day you really wanted a drink in a bar? You never know, but at least, we get to meet in person, and at least feel if there is something there instead of googling it. And I have come to a somewhat understanding that I am ok with this choice of date, as long as it means being me.

“What I’m trying to make a point of is yes it’s those little simple everyday human things that I wish people valued more It’s the smallest things that create real intimacy and the smallest things that create and lead to big things“ – A.A.A.

 

Safety Date

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Disclaimer: I know the difference between a “Safety Date” and a woman’s needs in a world that is not so “Safety” oriented for them. Predatory men are everywhere and it hurts my damn soul to even have to write a disclaimer like this. My 5 sisters experiences and teachings have shown me so much more than I think many men have seen when it comes to, even just walking down the street with one headphone in or with nothing playing at all. I can’t even imagine what that is like. This entry is me talking about when I know it’s a “Safety Date” for the sake of what this entry will get into. Not actual safety. It’s weird too because, I’ve asked enough people to FaceTime or call prior to a meeting and even with the dangers of just meeting from Online Dating, I’ve been hit with an extreme amount of resistance to anything that might be considered the smart decisions(no not giving out your phone number and revealing information, but utilizing less invasive methods) that I wonder why every girl, after seeing the abuse my sisters go through, wouldn’t jump at the idea of “If there is no visual confirmation/Facetime/Instagram Video/Signal call, then we don’t meet”. Just seems like the responsible thing to do. Ok, so that out of the way, let’s talk about the “Safety Date” from my perspective, as a man, who also respects and abhors that woman have to be extra careful.

I have too often gone on dates where I am told via text before arriving(because that is what we do to avoid the awkward conversations these days), “I have to leave in an hour, meeting a girlfriend for X Y Z”. Now this could be true or it could be total bullshit. The amusing factor is it is done for the same reason every time: a safety net from a bad date. For a person like me that couldn’t even quite deal with the timer on a Mario game back during my childhood, these trivial times on dates make me not want to leave the house in the first place. I am going on a date to enjoy the time, not plan for it to be a disaster or feel like I will lose an extra life if I go over the designated timelimit.

I have been on my fair share of dates where I realize within a few minutes of meeting that there is literally no connection. It is amazing what being in person with three dimensions, voice, pheromones, and close contact can have versus a two dimensional photo on a dating site and the obligatory resume or the notorious “About Me”.

So what do I do? I can tell you what I used to do; nothing. I would slog out the night filling the empty space with “uh huhs” and “yeahs”. Constantly checking my phone hoping candy crush(disclaimer I never have nor will I ever play that game!) will somehow become the worlds best excuses app, but constantly realizing all I have in the pipe is “My grandmother died”… and then I feel guilty for thinking it. Yeah not a very good one. So now I am not only doing a disservice for myself but to the person across from me. Trying to be boring enough so maybe they will want to end it and take the burden off me. To me that is exactly what the “timer” is, a tedious way to regulate a date before it even begins and if we are having a great time, trust me I don’t want you to leave just to keep the facade alive of your “plans”.

What do I do now? I tell the person the truth. WHAT!? You would be amazed at how much less invasive the truth is. This is NOT a skill I had inherently, this was something I had to teach myself. I had to build up my own belief in the idea that I need to protect myself a little bit as well. Not from danger but from situations that made me uncomfortable. I was asked once, “why did you stay if you were not enjoying your time?” I said, “I didn’t know what to say.” I was answered quickly, “Why not the truth”… I literally laughed out loud, but when I saw they were serious and considered it a way to care about and/or protect yourself a bit, for someone who is used to giving, I saw the figurative lightbulb over my head light up.  I needed to figure out a “timer” without hindering the possibilities of a good date. So I decided to go with the truth. Trust me the first few times were a little messy, but even the worst ones(which were not that bad), I got a text later on thanking me for my honesty and it was just not something they were used to. And ya know what? It felt really good to be able to protect that inside of myself that feels trapped when I am with someone I am not interested in. It let me go about my day/night the way I wanted without wasting time and energy on something I knew wasn’t going to work. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you are on a train wreck so horrific you can’t even get yourself to look away, but what I didn’t realize is how much less jaded I got when I was able to go into a new date and know I was in control of my own comfort, if I felt no connection I could now openly explain to the other person, in a kind way, that I would like to end it right then, instead of dragging out something and being totally fake. It has made internet dating so much less nerve wracking. It doesn’t lead anyone on and it gives you actual control over something I always thought was uncontrollable.

So how is this different than the timer? I suppose different strokes for different folks, but imagine this if you may… If everyone approached the first date like this, would you even need to tell someone in what would become a redundant, yet currently obligatory text at the end of the night, “I had a good time”. If you made it through the date, guess what is implied? Yup. One change would make a ripple effect on how dating feels. It could literally make a good date that much better because no one is leaving the date wondering. I often reference European culture in respect to not having to question a date and how it went, and being able to be yourself. Take a gander at this article: http://www.myfrenchlife.org/2014/06/18/french-vs-american-dating/ A kiss in the French culture means exclusive. Hookups are less of a faux pa and “dating” doesn’t exist, they don’t even have a word for date. So there is a much more distinct line between getting to know someone comfortably and openly than just trying to get laid. The difference between a date where you are following strange dating mechanics of “doing” rather than “being”. But one step at a time. What do you think? Will you choose to tell the truth next time? Because it really is just that, a very conscious choice. And even if it feels harder, it ultimately ends up being easier on your soul.

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