I have been in my fair share of breakups. I was recently talking with someone very close to me and she explained her recent breakup. It resonated with me. She told me how she felt as though she were ready for it, but regardless she sat there and cried. She even asked if she could have a moment to just sit and cry before leaving to go to work. The guy said, yes take all the time you need. This causing more tears to roll from her eyes. His kindness was comforting but felt dissociated and wrong because they were no longer a couple now.
She said to him, “I really do care about you and understand this and am going to be OK with it..” But what she asked next hit home, “I just need to know, as you seem really composed, do you care about this at all? Do you, did you care about me?”
That stone cold demeanor I am all too familiar with, because I have done it. When I have broken up with someone, I have put a lot of thought into it and have convinced myself as to why I have to make the hard step to ending the relationship, why I have to step away from the comfort, or hardship. This isn’t something I just came up with the night before but something I have been going over in my head for weeks at a time. So when it comes to the actual day when I say it, it feels disconnected because I am sitting there with multiple aspects of my mind guiding me:
-The need to make sure they understand we just didn’t have that connection to work and to not blame anyone for us not being compatible.
-The want to make sure that this person that I just spent a significant portion of my life with understands I am there for them at that moment in time.
-And finally the organization of the words I am going to use to do it.
It is like being in a defensive mode, ready for anything at any moment and preparing for it. It is almost as if because I have so many things going on in my head, my normal bubbly, excitable self, becomes for a lack of a better word, monotonous and business like. My face gets emotionless, my eyes blank hardly blinking, my body calm and lifeless. I already disconnected from the relationship maybe minutes or hours before I make the words come to my lips, “I think we should breakup”.
It is to prepare for every situation possible, something I have as a defense mechanism in my own body and mind due to the way I was raised and the childhood I had both at home and socially. I constantly tried to gauge those around me who were closed off or accepting of me, being on complete defense at all times, to prepare for what might be said, and if it was said, how I would diffuse it or recoil and hide.
This is not the healthiest way to live and I suppose one of the reasons my relationships haven’t done so well in the past, but it is also why I am in need of someone very sensitive to the fact that I don’t just want to know what is on their mind, but I need to know what is on their mind for the first few months, years etc, just so that I can fully trust them to not throw in a wrench like my family used to or my “friends” did. (I was not the popular kid, let’s just leave it at that) And even more so I can get out of my head, analyzing every breath, sigh, or micro expression, and just be there with them. So I don’t have to have my mind going on so many different scenarios every millisecond that I get to breath and be with them.
So when I heard my friend tell me about what had happened, I told her the truth, people like me, and often men in general have a different reaction to breakups, especially if they are the one instigating it. Men and myself tend to get through the initial breakup with what seems like ease and an emotionless display, meanwhile women usually let the hurt and struggle of the breakup to the front immediately. But ask anyone like me, ask them, “What happens a month or 2 down the road after the breakup?” We cry. We cry or we feel the loss. What takes women seconds to do, us men take a serious mental break before we truly feel it. And trust me we feel it. We don’t skip that part, we just go on a mini brain vacation prior. But when we get our first sensory memory of you and it brings back the comfort or love we had with each other, we let it out. And then we take a slightly longer time to recover. I feel as though women rebound for the first month whereas men are a little more dangerous. We could feel OK right away and even date again right away, but when we get that sting a month or so later, we can self destruct whatever we just built.
So women, yes we feel, but we are in a “stance” during the breakup. We are protecting either ourselves, you, or validating it in a different way. Healthy or not, there is a lot of truth here.
“Fun” fact most breakups happen around holidays, birthdays, and important moments in life when we would want it least, not because it is being insensitive but because these moments make us reflect on what we can invest emotionally and even monetarily in our significant other, which can often reveal a lot about how we actually feel.
How do you get the exposure to an online dating profile in a sea of hundreds of thousands without sacrificing integrity and a sense of self? When my dad met his wife via online dating there was a much smaller pool of people who knew what online dating was. Now it is normal for a profile to start with “My friend made me make this profile” Or “I figured, since so many of my friends use this, I would try it out”.
Now no matter what I write here, I feel like I am holding a loaded gun and it scares me. I find self proclaimed “people gurus” often have the least idea of what a person is truly feeling. I call it being observant. Would it be so bad to fall into a mold of just being a “creative person” and taking the risk of writing this article? Or is the gun going to go off in my pocket for my own dating life?
We Control Our Content
Like many others I have googled “best dating profile”. And I kept coming up with the same conclusion over and over: Be anything but yourself. Uhmm… to which I think, we don’t have to dumb down our profiles. We control what is the “norm” when the content is driven by the users. Like life we have a choice to change, but it requires all of us. We want quick information, we want truth and honesty in profiles, we want an insight to those on these dating sites to cut out the bar hopping annoyance; so why not do it? Instead we wonder why, in a world of bite sized information, we feel ill informed on our dates, why they turn out to be a game of potluck when technology is giving us a way to make faster connections. We may like our news and coffee quick, but we all yearn for a “love” of some sort that lasts; are we all willing to put in the effort? Why can’t we just be ourselves? I have come to the conclusion that we have told ourselves we can’t. We have literally said, “I am too lazy, I do not accept, I will fill this out later”. We have accepted dating sites in their current form as “the way it is” instead of “what we want!”
I really enjoyed reading through your profile actually, it shows you are a mulch-dimensional person; unlike most profiles (and messages) on this website. Although, I do fall under my own criticism, I kept mine short and quite to the surface for “shits and giggles”. “ -Okcupid User
“Hello there 🙂 It was a treat to read your profile…you have a lot too say and you seem like a big thinker which is hot in my book lol. I can’t say I’ve invested as much in mine but you have me thinking I should lol.” – OKCupid User
We are setting the standards low for these sites by not actually putting in effort. Do we not realize we are the “customer” in this case.
Instead of following some “guide book” we can choose to be whatever we want and the site, in order to maintain its monetary worth has to adjust to us, not the other way around!
We are so caught up on instant gratification and the idea that we can have the “winning” profile that we forget to be ourselves, at all of the places, a dating site. The place to potentially find someone for the rest of our lives, like my father did. We are compromising on our own happy ending.
Popularity Contest
We have accepted the fact that OKCupid is turning our dating into highschool crushes. “Check Yes or No if you ‘like’ me”. Popular kids are marked by a red mark under their message box saying they “reply selectively and then the rest have orange or green.
I felt compelled to message you (despite the ominous red message saying you “reply very selectively.”) – OKCupid User
The site plays on humanities yearn for the “chase”, even if the excitement fizzles out after we actually get to know the other person. Get rated highly often, well OKCupid will now show you to more people who also are considered “attractive”.
P.S. Did you know OkCupid scales their subscription model depending on your age, sex, and location? It can range from 4.95 to 29.95. The younger and more “desirable” demographic you fit into, the lower the price. You can game this system as well, by changing your age and sex to that before purchasing the A-List.
Breaking the “Code”
It is programmed social interaction in 1’s and 0’s. So of course there are tons of “how to game the system” articles. Someone wrote the code, so it makes sense that someone else figured it out.
I have this plethora of information I have gathered, not because I am seeking to write a self help book, a “Rules of Engagement” book, or even boost my ego. I feel a deep desire to publish this article about my experience because, finally in a world oversaturated with online dating profiles, inundated google search results for “dating guidelines” consisting of compromises that go against the very definition (mutual concession), I have found a way to be myself 100%. But how can I talk about this publicly without being considered someone who has “manipulated the system” or worse yet, the people who I am interacting with? How do I tell people about this amazing feeling I have now, that I have validated my ability to be me without pulling the trigger on my own hard work? Especially because I still am looking for that person that makes an article like this obsolete in my life. A person who makes me shut down a dating profile for good. I am actually looking for the means to an end, to create a beautiful beginning; naturally, organically, and somewhat digitalized.
I have read, watched, listened to so many of the “how I hacked online dating”. Each has their own formula, statistical analytics, and long winded explanations.(My right brained personality can’t even open excel without wanting to rip out my eyes) But at the end of the day, would I be meeting people who really just wanted a guy who was “sarcastic and humorous with a side of manliness” or would I meet people I could truly connect with? How can I maintain my integrity and personality and follow all these “rules”? The truth is, for me, I can’t. I want to be able to go on that first date and know I can be 100% myself and I won’t feel upset or empty afterwards because I was portraying someone else’s ideal man, the “norm” of bar hopping, and “sarcasm/humor”.
“Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that. Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving. Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. “ – Mark Manson
Sure I have used some of the statistics to my advantage. OkCupid being the weapon of choice, has released many breakdowns of what people on their site are attracted to, photo and profile etiquette, and subsequent articles published about the best practices for the site. But it made me cringe when I would look at the “top” profiles listed in these articles. If one more person told me to keep my profile short, I was going to scream. I have a lot to say dammit!
“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”
HDR Black and White main photo(for that “manliness” appeal which I address in my profile to make sure there is no deviation from WHO I am**)
a dress shirt(for that classy approach)
a cat(luckily I own two and love them unconditionally, although only one makes for a good model)
combined with a self deprecating joke caption.
I follow up this piece of the puzzle with a very straight forward blurb in my profile that let’s me still be myself even though I succumb to the “statistics”.
**“If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum. I am great with my hands, but also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. Perception really. Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others profiles it is inception? *epic music here*”
The rest of my photos are snippets of who I am, I include pictures I think I look good in(always followed by a caption that is not serious) and then my goofy side(followed by a caption that is serious). Playing off the contrasts of oneself.
The only photo that even uses a formula is my profile photo in black and white. The rest are just as many different variations of myself that I can provide. We have good days, bad days, exciting and boring days. So I want to show all of that. I want to be transparent.
Iterations
I have tried many many iterations of my profile, from a casual 1 line response, a ridiculously stupid humor only profile, to one where I tell all. Each got different types of responses, but none were even remotely personal. The less I wrote the more I got approached, but that approach often fizzled out before the first meet. I felt as if I was compromising myself by catering to the “percentages”.
The problem with all of my profiles is the length, it is said by every article about online dating statistics that a long profile is a death sentence.
I refused to believe you couldn’t write a long profile if you had something of interest or passionate to say. The problem is to get someone to actually read it. I found that if I put a disclaimer up front saying:
“My profile is long, if you are pressed on time you can skip it”
…was the tiny piece to the puzzle that made it OK. It allows those who don’t want to read it to just message me, that I am approachable, and feel as though looking at the pictures is a good enough start, but it also gives off the feeling of a challenge or accomplishment to those who might slog through my stream of consciousness.
“I actually read your entire profile…” -OKCupid User
Then it becomes difficult, how do you validate someone reading a small novel that is your “profile”? How do you not come across as too jaded or make the other person feel as though you are too good for them or have nothing left to offer? How do you convince a world addicted to 140 character limits that 500 words isn’t the finale of my personality?
“I read through your profile, and there were moment that I thought … “hmmm… This guy is a little too honest.” … Then I thought, “I use to be that honest… When did that become a bad thing?” “ -OKCupid User
This is what I thought, why can’t I be honest? Why can’t I be the un-abated version of me? I wanted the first conversations to not come as a shock as I clumsily fumble my way through the “getting to know” process. I wanted people to already understand I was not the perfect one liner, but someone who would blindly feel around to get to the deeper stuff, unafraid to humble myself or admit to it not working out. (and trust me this isn’t something you just inherently know how to do, but with some effort you can learn)
I look at an “About Me” as a place to really talk about me, not just pepper with ideas my mother has told me about myself, although those are nice too. Although, again, statistically improper:
“2) Don’t make your “About Me” opening section so long that even your mother would find it boring.“
One rule of thumb: If someone has to scroll down more than twice to get to the end of it, it’s way too fucking long. Give people an overview of who you are and what you care about. You don’t need to go into how much you’d love to find a man/woman to be your “partner in crime” (shudder) and everything you’re looking for in a relationship. Your objective at this stage is to find someone you can stand and who can stand you; don’t jump the gun. You can bore people with your hopes and dreams for love later.
Also, avoid listing adjectives to describe yourself such as the mundane “attractive,” “intelligent” or “funny” (see above). This is standard advice for writing that you’ve probably heard: Show, don’t tell. If you describe what you’re like and what you’re doing with your life, people reading your profile can see for themselves that you’re attractive, smart or funny. (Or not.)”
I mean I am not going to write a book, but I find self awareness to be sexy, so why not try my own hand at it as well? So I use the about me to give the general idea. But you need more than empty words on a website to show your true passion for your “idea” of yourself. This is where the section “What am I doing with my life” helped significantly.
My Occupation
My occupation as a photographer carries all sorts of stigmas, the most popular being:
“ I feel like you probably meet a lot of really beautiful people through your photography, so it amazes me that you are even on an online dating site. “ – OKCupid user
My own business model has been refined over and over again to try to break free of that, so I decided why not literally take the work I put into my mission statement for my photography and copy paste it here? Is it personal and exposing, sure! But if I am putting so much effort into my job, why can’t I do the same with my love life? It is many years of work and the blunt truth. It also shows passion, which I and apparently many others find sexy. So instead of looking at me as the guy who looks at “hot girls” all day, it shows that I am on a dating site, so obviously I am not trying to date my work and looking for something real here..
Add onto that, that passion doesn’t always pay the bills, hopefully the people I will attract, will understand I am doing what I love and all others need not apply. I will lose the “wallstreet” types here but I am trying to ease the blow of my work so later on, I don’t have to defend my career choice, and instead share it and be supported for it. I had the high paying job, sports car, beautiful apartment, and feeling of “making it”, but it didn’t make me happy or fulfilled.
My work section is a topic for many to intro themselves to me with, it plays into those who put an emphasis on work over the other sections of the profile provided, but again it is 100% me, no compromise needed.
Being yourself is OK, the validation:
Instead of breaking down every aspect of my profile, since honestly it has been written over time and is extremely stream of consciousness, let me explain why I feel it has been validated, against all odds, statistics, and google results.
“Hi 🙂 so I saw that you “liked” me and after enjoying your (very detailed) 🙂 profile I thought I would send a message rather than just a like back. Since you were so thorough in your descriptions I’ll just go ahead and put my truths out there too.
I love photography but the only class I’ve ever taken was my freshman year of college and only camera I have is my iPhone but still try to capture the special people, places and things I see that I know I’ll want to remember forever.
So I think that’s a lot for a first hello 🙂 especially since it’s 4am! I’ll let you digest and get back to me.
And thank you, your openness allowed for mine in return. It’s very much appreciated as it’s such a rarity now a days in life and especially in the online dating world :)” – OKCupid User
The technical “trick”
(Image representative of an hour during a 24 hour period)
You can rate people on OkCupid from 1-5 stars. Clicking the 5 star sends an email saying you like them, if they like you back it starts the conversation via a “You like each other” canned message. It removes your need for an opener and you know they are “interested” for the first convo at least.
5 Starring everyone isn’t as dumb as it sounds, it is sort of like being your own wingman(woman). You have to talk to everyone in order to finally catch the eye of the person you really want to talk to. But the reaction I could have never predicted.
“I must say, I initially “liked” you because of your cool profile pictures (…and, you have a cat in your main one…I mean, that’s kinda unfair…). Then, I read your absolutely refreshingly honest and interesting profile (yes, I read it all), and, though I rarely message people, I felt compelled to message you (despite the ominous red message saying you “reply very selectively.”)” – OKCupid User
I “like” you
The “like” button has a lot of mind fuckery power attached to it, when in turn if the site exposed people to one another in a more organic way such as a real life encounter, there would be more people seeing these kinds of interactions. But for now it is basically throwing empty promises at the wall, hoping someone will walk by in time to catch it. It feels degrading. It has the “celebrity effect”, where you are creating a bigger pool of “views” in order to catch the eye of someone who mixes well with you, but also having to not take the “fame” to your head and act better than other.
“Engaging, thorough, and much foresight = your profile… It’s overwhelming, yet a relief! Finally, someone on this site says it ‘as it is!’” -Okcupid User
“Hello there 🙂 It was a treat to read your profile…you have a lot too say and you seem like a big thinker which is hot in my book lol. I can’t say I’ve invested as much in mine but you have me thinking I should lol.” -Okcupid User
But if they knew the site did it automatically, would the “like” still make them respond? Would we once again fall into the idea that a long profile = dating suicide even though it is clear from the responses I have gotten we truly want more from these dating sites?
“Hello! I read your profile (twice…alright, three times actually haha!) and really enjoyed what you had to say! I appreciate the honesty and detail you put into your writing. That is so rare!” -Okcupid User
I’ve gotten some of the kindest heartfelt replies and messages from being myself; A kid at heart, a thinker, and a goofball stumbling over my words in person.
You get out what you put in
“I don’t write long messages usually but I thought you seemed worth the energy.” -OKCupid User
We apply this theory to our day jobs and so many other aspects of life, but because we have “labeled” online dating as a fo-pa, joke, or don’t fully understand it yet, I feel like we still are not completely ready to use it to make true connections. Can we truly be OK with a slightly digitized way of meeting when we still hardly know how to do it in person? We are happier feeling like we can carry around the “trophies” or “abundance of choice” in our pockets via our smartphones, than actually thinking beyond the instant gratification or validation of our egos.
Directly from an article that turned me on to the 5 star “trick” in the first place:
“It’s easy to see how the attention could become addictive, so I ask James: When does it end?
“I don’t know,” he says. He describes himself as “romantic,” but, like a lot of people who log on and see thousands of singles within a mile of their Zip Code, he’s not really stressed about the end. “A lot of us want the best: the best job, the best apartment, the best significant other,” he says. And in his case, that might mean being the best bachelor as well—someone with the best stories of dating adventures to tell. In fact, he can’t stop thinking about this one incredible woman he met recently; they danced until two in the morning. Then he tells me about another beautiful, smart woman who fed him meat loaf at three in the morning. And then there was that woman with …”
Not only can online dating become almost addicting with the “choices” it can work the opposite way by us fearing the other person’s choices as well. Dating can be intimidating.. with all the different dates we go on, it feels like a rush to the metaphorical finish line of “pulling full attention”. So we work hard to get it, but do we compromise just being ourselves for the “win”? – http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/91546586723/intimi-dating
I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real and a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it. Putting in the same effort we do with our jobs, passions, and careers into our love life as well. Eventually we have to meet face to face with the person we start talking to to really get a feel for a good match, so why waste time with “white lies”.
If I ever find someone who truly believes in this too, I think the entire date, interaction, and experience will be much more enjoyable to both people. But remember, I don’t love you….
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, “I don’t love you”… txt me maybe? This is what present day society seems to defend harder than “I love you”.
Scenario: You meet someone, you have a good night, and now you are presented with a conundrum… do you use technology to enhance the ability to reflect on the moments you just had, using the time away from one another to use as time to know each other more through the wonderful noninvasive form of messaging… or do you get lost in their past memories on facebook ignoring the ones you just had… or even worse are you forced into a situation of who can hold off from responding the quickest to messages we all know are read immediately or at the quickest convenience. We are secretly defending our “dislike” for one another than our possible “like”. We are being punished for what used to be a legitimate way of decompressing from a date: reveling in the glow of the night the next day. There is a reason songs like “Maria” from West Side Story were written. It is because on a good date, we hear music, and we don’t want to stop singing about it. We are not in love, we are in like, and it is really fun to share that feeling rather than feeling as if it will expose our “true intentions” to love them by the end of the day…
“Trying something completely different here. I am going to stray from the long profile, just gonna express it how it is; if there is an attraction, let’s meetup and take it from there. I can write a TON here, (request my old profile if you dare lol), but then I find there is too much “Type A” or “Type B” stereotyping without inflection, voice, and just plain getting to know one another organically. I have multiple parts to who I am, as I hope you do too and would rather get to know you via conversation to portray those. So anything beyond this point is just fluff, if you liked my pictures, in my opinion.. but feel free to wander.”
The reason for this is because online dating isn’t organic, not in the slightest, but I think that is OK, as long as we accept it for what it is and skip the bullshit inorganic parts of it and try our hand at meeting if there is an attraction. I mean if I thought you were attractive in person I would talk to you right away, not text you for days until we met again. I mean how much time do you want to invest into someone who might be super attractive but pheromones are just off and you can’t stand the smell of one another?
A dating profile or online dating “resume” as I like to call it, can never summate the stuff in your head. I want to find someone who understands the idea of discussion. The idea that if I say something weird, I don’t have to dive into the ditch I just dug, but be able to continue the conversation to other parts of the plot to see if there is another hole we can fall into together. The idea that living through someones past or stalking someones profile after a date is not giving your own mind the ability to breath and enjoy the moment you just created. Oversaturating your mind with their life not the moment you just had together.
We prefer to open up with questions that are shallow, but have a proven record of working.
“Did you get into any trouble last weekend?”
“Have any trouble planned for this weekend?”
This is how we open. Our first encounter is based on a very general idea of sparking conversation but we do it in a way that is trivial. “So how did you and X meet” Oh well I asked her what kinda trouble she was getting into and she told me “lots”. Then we got a drink and boned… wow…
I am a bit old school when I think about it in terms of asking someone to be my girlfriend or date, I believe since we only get one chance to do this with someone, it should be memorable. I like to let things happen organically, but I also like the grand gestures as well.
Organic or not if two people are open to something it can work. Problem is as you most people see it as “an experiment". I think what that truly means however is “fear of the unknown”. Online dating isn’t any more awkward than meeting in a bar. It all stems on one thing, actually meeting. These back and forths mean nothing until you hear my voice, see my face, and actually get a gut feeling for someone rather than an educated guess. I have strong opinions about online dating and I believe that is healthy. Because in actuality if someone found love from it, they would not turn it down.
Meeting
In the end we have to meet. Meeting is the only way to really know if the kind messages, sexy profile photos, or short or long profile are true to life. Being honest before hand is awesome and helps us to know if we want to spend our precious time with another person and online dating helps with this, especially for those of us with busy schedules. But it falls short with the amount of ways we can communicate prior to meeting. The first step to meeting is often exchanging numbers and texting. So we move away from the convenience of a keyboard where we can type many more words per minute, to a tiny screen in which we usually send texts of little to no consequence as fillers until we meet. Watching the little chat bubble pop up and down as the other person perfects their three word text to not feel too overbearing or interested.
“One of writing’s traditional advantages over speech is the time it affords you to collect your thoughts. This time empowers you to calculate your words’ effects on their reader. Rather than blurting out “YOU’RE SO HOT,” you pen a pleasing phrase: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
Text and instant messages, however, are eroding this advantage. We don’t correspond over text and instant messages, like we do in letters; we chat in quick informal exchanges, like we do face-to-face. One of the underpinnings of spoken conversation is what’s known in linguistics as turn-taking. “We need some way of determining when someone else’s turn is over and ours can begin”.
The most common-sense workaround, of course, is to prepare your thoughts mentally before you begin typing them. That sounds easy enough, but some of us actually use writing as a way of working out our thoughts, not simply recording them after they’re fully formed. If nothing else we don’t consider the words blurted out of our mouths a finality but something that can be correct as can a word be spell checked after the entire paper has been written.”
The world isn’t ready for online dating if you ask me. It is a place to go after a breakup or to get recognition when you feel you have a flaw. It is made up of tutorials created by those who have written the same self help guides to sitting in a cubicle. The amount of messages that tell me mine is refreshing but theirs is “still a work in process” is proof enough in my eyes.
I will admit, I fell victim to the “OKRebound” after a bad breakup. I, as they like to call it, “serial dated”. A few dates a week to the point where I was showering just to go back out. It was vindicating and empty. But even when I explained it to people I met, they seemed to get it and accept it as a form of acceptable behavior. It was surreal. Actually the more my phone buzzed on the table with OKCupid notifications the more likely they would “be interested in me” without me having to say a word. It was a fucked up reverse psychology thing. I got over it pretty fast however. That isn’t what I wanted. And if someone else was going to like me more because of the “likes” I had, it was not a good indicator.
I wish I could express to people how online dating has as much potential as we allow it to and right now we aren’t allowing it more than a drunken nights dare or “I was bored so I made this profile… Oops did I post a shot of my ass in a bikini… Oh and I like long walks on the beach and sacrasm and the extra attention” *breaks computer screen*
“The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.” – http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes/
Being online, is sort of like a gamification of dating to people.
“Haha I’m over it I just use it as a form of entertainment now just cuz I think what people say is funny I haven’t actually “used” it for what it’s for for a long time hAha you?” – OKCupid User
OkCupid’s Most Desirable
I got this message a month or two back. I was dumbfounded.
I knew the quantity of messages I was getting was not normal, but it was strange to get a message like this. It helped to validate that I could have a profile true to self and be considered desirable but it was a short lived moment when you compare it to who was actually picked to do the interview. I did not end up being used because they found someone who was much more TV worthy than I was, talking about how he uses “smileys” and “swiping techniques”, bragging about his lack of honest profile, how he lies on dates, and his general need to fuck as many people as he can through manipulation. You can watch that entire interview here: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/online-dating-secrets-desirable-24753151
I warn you though, I almost shut down my profile after watching this. It literally made me furious with humanity for letting someone like this exist, let alone thrive.
Why I still have a profile
Why am I on here? Because I believe there are other people who trust in a convenience like this and will use it the way they want versus how a YouTube video or article in the Huffington post tells you how to. And they will be genuine and accept it for what it is, an online meeting system in which you allow to match you with others and then go from there. Because it is convenient, not a bar that smells like piss and regret, a place you don’t want to be, or are too busy to be.
Because out of all the people I have met I have learned many things about online dating, more than I ever thought I wanted to know, and sadly these things show me how much people fall into to groups or patterns. I can change my profile picture to attract a specific nationality or put emphasis on a certain part of my profile for a specific type of personality. But it is when I go out on a date and those formulas and structures get blown out of the water and I am no longer giving my thesis or biography to the person across the table but talking to them because it is enjoyable, but mostly when I become scared… Scared that conversations break all conventions and preconceived notions Leaving me in a spot of vulnerability to want to share all but not knowing… Just feeling the need to do it anyway, that is what I date for. That 1 out of 100(that is different for every person) that will truly make me feel the the possibility of love and having to put every ounce of myself out on the table to make sure I give it my all regardless of the outcome. To open my heart I must be open to the idea of heart break. That is how I approach dating even if I start to see patterns or stereotypes or formulas for successful or unsuccessful dating profiles, first dates, and the like. Because in the end no matter what the formula is and what you think you know when you find the person right for you, the reason it is a magical moment is because you are no longer running on rails but off course, enjoying and living a moment.
But even if we go on a successful date we are still littered with obstacles to overcome.
It is so incredibly complicated getting to the second date these days. The rules of “3 days before a call” have long been muddied, if not completely forgotten. Now you are faced with the dilemma of liking an Instagram photo, responding to a Facebook post, texting an indifferent message once every day or two so not to seem too interested but still interested enough until schedules line up. The balancing act of texts between multiple dates, hoping you don’t message the wrong person the wrong response, timing your texts so not to be assumed you are overbearing.
All these unspoken “rules”, impossible to master without literally not giving a shit, because texts are usually two or three lines of nothing of consequence. So you sit there looking at your time stamps and read recipes wondering if the other person:
Someone actually suggested, after reading the article above, an app that allows you to further disconnect from your date to the online ether by having the app follow up on dates you have been on so you can let the person know without actually talking to them if you wish to go on a second date or not. I guarantee this becomes a reality and more reasons to feel completely disconnected from the person you are meeting or just met.
The OK in Cupid
I believe online dating is incomplete. It, by the very nature of humanity, is an iteration… constantly evolving to what we define it as. To say I have the answers or know where to go from here would be a farce. Whether online dating is just a way to get “experience” a so called practice date, or it will eventually evolve into a place where we don’t hide behind whatever semblance of online anonymity we are holding onto and finally realize how important we are to one another. Ultimately I just want to be able to find someone to come home to, to be real with… “the one person for me” is better than the girl of my dreams, she is real. So for now I say OK to being myself. I say OK to breaking the “online dating rules”. I say OK to OKcupid, where I am actually looking for something organic, in this inorganic clusterfuck that is online dating, because in the end, it is me I have to be OK with. And if you have two people who are just OK, you have two people in a better place than the “perfect online dating profile” you have something real, explosive, difficult, frustrating, exciting, and explorable. That there is the very inexplicable definition of love, which to me is the perfect beginning, because love is not enough...
Will I ever find someone who is willing to jump into traffic with me and together we will not only make it through unscathed, but not have to worry if the other person can handle it or not.
A few things on my mind that make a good match, never really compiled together, usually thought about at different times, but compiled here in one list. The things that make me say “I love that about you”.
Confidence: When someone is constantly questioning their “self” it brings me down. I have my own “issues” and when two people cannot compliment one another’s issues versus just being conscious about them and accepting each other with them, it can turn toxic quickly. I don’t expect sunshine and roses every day, but I expect an understanding of one’s own issues. For instance, I know that I need affirmation of small things in my life… this quote taken from an astrology blog sums it up perfectly:
“I learned to understand my Leo by understanding that he needed positive re-enforcement for the little things. He needed me to be open to letting it all hang out with him or he tended to think I was not interested or had anything interesting to offer. This was out of my comfort zone but when I let go a little bit to him, it was a warm embrace that followed”
Sexuality: I have come to realize I am an extremely sexual person. Not in terms of OMG SEX, but in terms of being very in tune with what I like, what I like to give, how the person I am with needs to make me feel in order for me to want to give, and how I can often get lost in giving that I forget to take.
I have some kinks for sure, but they aren’t crazy; for example clothing textures: simple white bikini cut panties, the long tshirt and underwear, wireless bras(very european style), latex(my kryptonite), leggings(a lifestyle not just fashion), essentially I have realized I like smooth over lace. Don’t get me wrong lace is sexy, but I will 9 times out of ten be turned on by something that is silky or smooth or even simple cotton over a lace garment, mostly because it is nice to touch. I will often find a well put together outfit sexier than being naked.
I love to try new things. There is this wonderful place called the internet and while some may consider it a waste and you just “do” when sexing, I believe in learning, getting better, and trying new things. I recently ran across a video that showed a man having multiple orgasms from a certain type of tease/denial, it would be amazing if I found someone open to trying these things and not afraid to talk about them. Being afraid to talk about sex is a turn off. To me sex at its core definition is the default, everything else is the lead up and exciting parts. There is also something to be said for understanding when sex and making love is amazing and when foreplay is as well. Finding that comfort level with someone is also important so the new things aren’t scary, but exciting. Shit I wrote a review on one of the coolest sex toys for men with my real name attached to it because I believe in anything that will help to bring us to a better orgasm!
I have learned a ton about the female anatomy and pride myself on being very in tune with what feels good for a woman. I know in my mind that I will not rest until I get the woman to orgasm. It brings me pleasure, so I look at it in the same respect when reversed. If I think someone is giving up or isn’t into pleasing me, I will have trouble getting off. I am not the easiest to please but I would hope they would do everything they could to attempt to. To know someone is going to “stop soon” makes it hard to just be in the moment and turns into a “performance anxiety” rather than a pleasurable experience. If I have learned not only from experience but from watching, reading, etc… why should I expect any less from them?
One other thing, being equally dominant. I am by default the dominant one, but internally submissive. To grab someone by the back of the head and push them toward a wall for a monumental kiss to be reversed into that same wall is mind blowing to me. TO never know the outcome because both people are scheming (so to say) the next move.
Body Temperature: This is going to sound weird, but I run hot. I always have. I literally have a fan at the foot of my bed for my feet sometimes. So finding someone who I can lay next to and not be uncomfortable because of our temperatures is important. Not a deal breaker but an added bonus.
Voice: I never thought someones voice could be so important, but the sound of someone is extremely important. Being able to love to hear the person you are with is great. It is amazing when you meet someone you love to hear. You don’t even realize until you meet them, because it isn’t something I would consider a “first impression” kind of thing. It just soothes the soul so to say.
Body type in relation to mine: I don’t really have a set body type, height, or preference except for the fact that when I hold someone I want to feel as though I can hold them close. I want to feel their arm pull my arm close as we spoon and our bodies matching up in the right curves. I put a specific amount of energy into taking care of my body so I often look for someone who does so as well. While it is nice to meet those with fast metabolisms, I want someone that will be an inspiration to me and me to them when we get older. I want us to be able to push each other to stay fit, strong, and virile when our bodies begin to break down. I don’t want to be that old guy who sits all the time, I want to be the one who takes trips to exotic islands and makes the young people go “whoa I wanna be like that when I get older”.
Socially Adept: I want someone who has the ability to compliment my outward personality. When we go to an event I want to be able to branch off from each other and not have to worry. I also want us to work well as a whole when interacting. Complementing one anothers statements and sentences, making for an interesting conversation.
Phone Calls: If you get anxiety using a phone to call someone rather than text, it may be a deal breaker. Now if you call me instead of text, you have secretly made me smile from cheek to cheek.
Forward Thinking: I apply this to the idea of one day perhaps having a child. I want my wife to be someone who wants to raise a child in an environment where the kid is open with the parents. Feels safe with the parents. Maybe doesn’t want to go to the movies every friday night with us, but during breakfast can tell us if their life is OK and can call us when to drunk to drive at some party. I always think of the parents in the modern adaptation of The Scarlet Letter called “Easy A”.
Calm but not passive: My life growing up was hectic. My parents were masters at making mountains out of mole hills. I want someone who understands what is important and what is not. What is OK when it goes wrong and when it is actually time to freak out.
Balances Work and Life: I love working, I love passion, I love drive, but I also know that majority of the work we do is filler until we die. Morbid eh? But I believe that putting more emphasis on relationships and the people around you is more important than the work till you drop attitude. We only get one shot at this, so I want to be able to love hard and work hard all at once. Finding the balance between what you love and who you love is important.
Looking good together: Nothing feeds my Leo ego more than when I am with my significant other and someone says, “You two look so cute together” or “Where are you two from?” This means we probably have a matching sense of style, give off a good aura, and look good together. I absolutely love that. Plus anytime someone asks me where I am from as if I am not from the US, I take that as a compliment considering I think European culture and style is far more eloquent.
Cultured: I spent a lot of my life abroad and have adjusted my ways to many of the things I found interesting and more befitting of my lifestyle. I don’t go crazy when I see boobs, I don’t objectify women, I don’t use words like rape, gay, and fag. I want someone who is equally cultured. Who doesn’t HAVE to travel all the time, but enjoys it knowing they can get the same “cultural” feel with the person they are with and how they adjust their own lifestyle. It isn’t where we live, but how we live.
Running to Jump Together: I want to feel like Mr. and Mrs. Smith with my significant other. Each with their own specialties, but both extremely competent at survival and basic instinct skills. I want to trust that I can jump into traffic with my significant other and come out unscathed without having to endanger myself by worrying about them. The ability to adapt to multiple situations that didn’t always have an app to solve it or a service to complete it. Mind you I don’t mind using those after trying once, but at least give it a shot.
These are just a few things I have seen that I like to be lined up. Do I need them all, NOPE, do I like them, yup. Might they change in a day, sure. Do I have a mold, no. Do I hold people to ridiculous standards, not really. All in all I expect someone I am going to love and allow into my life so intimately to be someone who I can say puts into life the same effort that I do. The rest is just frosting on the cake. Because it really sucks when you feel as though you are approaching life so differently than the person you are with that it almost hinders growth. It is the difference between traveling with someone and traveling on someone.
I hope you don’t know what you want! I mean, that would be fucking terrible. The worst thing in this world is to meet someone who knows what they love, follows their passions, and has an intense personality about it. This comes second only to “googling it” in person and using hashtags in your vernacular…
When did we decide it was a bad idea to think about the future? Why is it such a faux pas to imagine what your possible kids will look like or how a person will be as the mother of your possible children? Am I the only one who thinks of these things within minutes of meeting someone? I am not applying it to the person to put into effect right away, but of course it is natural to think of these things. It is kinda biology. These fleeting thoughts are important and very subconscious in how they are controlled, but most people seem to be afraid of them. Society has put a stigma on it if by accident you slip and say something about the future too quick. You are then categorized as overbearing or clingy. But it isn’t meant that way. I think there is a bit inside all of us that has envy over those who exude a sense of “self purpose”. The people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives since they were in middle school usually get scoffed at. I think it stems from jealousy of not always being in the same boat. Personally I bounce around from many passions, but I am aware of what those are and I am also aware of passions I should not pursue, because quite honestly I don’t have the skills for them. So if applied to dating, if you were to say, “Oh man my Mom would love you” oh the repercussions… I don’t know when we started looking at one another as if one sentence is the summation of an entire whole of who we are, but it is crap.
The brain does not generate distinct “thoughts,” so it is impossible to calculate how many thoughts the brain has per second. In addition, there are a number of subconscious processes that occur in the brain at all times. The stream of thinking people seem to hear in their brains is only part of what the brain is doing at any one time, and inhibitory processes prevent people from being conscious of all of these thoughts. The human brain is always active.
A dating profile or online dating “resume” as I like to call it, can never summate the stuff in your head. I want to find someone who understands the idea of discussion. The idea that if I say something, I don’t have to dive into the ditch I just dug, but be able to continue the conversation to other parts of the plot to see if there is another hole we can fall into together.
We prefer to open up with questions that are shallow, but have a proven record of working.
“Did you get into any trouble last weekend?”
“Have any trouble planned for this weekend?”
This is how we open. Our first encounter is based on a very general idea of sparking conversation but we do it in a way that is trivial. “So how did you and X meet” Oh well I asked her what kinda trouble she was getting into and she told me “lots”. Then we got a drink and boned… wow…
I am a bit old school when I think about it in terms of asking someone to be my girlfriend or date, I believe since we only get one chance to do this with someone, it should be memorable. I like to let things happen organically, but I also like the grand gestures as well.
I have thought about how it might be to have someone to come home to, wake up to, bring home on holidays, get an animal with, own a house with, marry, kiss, fuck, cuddle, and everything in between since I was young. So I don’t think getting older is making me want the answers any quicker nor has it changed when I think of them. But they still happen when my brain decides to think of them.
If I feel a connection with someone, my brain goes off to many different places. If I happen to slip an actually feeling here or there, it should be cute, not creepy. The difference between me and the thought process is that I know, because I am not an idiot, that I don’t expect these bigger picture things right off the bat, I know I don’t know you that well yet, and I know they are just natural emotions to have, but I am not afraid of them, because if, after we get to know one another, it is working, I can’t wait to experience them with you.
We have 90% control over how we perceive things and how we deal with them. For some reason we have decided that these fleeting thoughts, these tiny moments in a bigger conversation, and these things that might make us feel a little bit uneasy, are deal breakers. Instead perhaps we should embrace conversation and reflection, allowing us to truly open ourselves up to the person in front of us, letting us know if we actually want to follow through on the “warm fuzzy puppy dog” feelings down the road, instead of hiding them and pretending to be in a position of “power”. The power balance in a relationship is important, but the power balance when you first meet is even more. If you don’t allow yourself to lose a little control, you are wasting time in a life not filled with that much of it. I believe in the idea of allowing things to be wrong, in order to correct them or talk them out. I believe in the idea of telling how I am that day when asked, even if I am shitty. In the end, that is who I am, and in the larger scheme that is how you get to know someone. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one thought, one emotion, one date at a time. Because at the end of the day, when we just met I don’t already love you and I probably don’t even miss you.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, “I don’t love you”… txt me maybe? This is what present day society seems to defend harder than “I love you”.
Scenario: You meet someone, you have a good night, and now you are presented with a conundrum… do you use technology to enhance the ability to reflect on the moments you just had, using the time away from one another to use as time to know each other more through the wonderful noninvasive form of messaging… or do you get lost in their past memories on facebook ignoring the ones you just had… or even worse are you forced into a situation of who can hold off from responding the quickest to messages we all know are read immediately or at the quickest convenience. We are secretly defending our “dislike” for one another than our possible “like”. We are being punished for what used to be a legitimate way of decompressing from a date: reveling in the glow of the night the next day. There is a reason songs like “Maria” from West Side Story were written. It is because on a good date, we hear music, and we don’t want to stop singing about it. We are not in love, we are in like, and it is really fun to share that feeling rather than feeling as if it will expose our “true intentions” to love them by the end of the day… Some of my best childhood memories include talking about the same kiss over and over with my date the next day on the phone when we couldn’t see each other for another week due to school, work, or our parents haha. It is old wives gossip, but about the feelings you are being swelled up with. Now we have so many ways to do it and instead of embracing it, we outcast it, we make those who use it feel restricted, and we ultimately restrict our own growth and natural inclination to be “obsessed” in the best possible definition of the word. Why does it matter if we give off the “vibe” that we have 1 or 20 different people we are talking to at once. There used to be a thing called courtship and even less exciting, interest that doesn’t fade the minute the date ends. I prefer interest, intrigue, and the yearn for more. I choose to embrace it, regardless of my future dating schedule that I feel inclined to play out or my past dates. If that night felt amazing, I want to share that moment with you for a little longer. And for someone that multi tasks his breaths, it is extremely valid.
Personally, the last time I said I love you to someone it literally took my chest almost exploding to squeeze it out and when it came out it was messy, tear filled, but it felt right. I love you is probably the hardest phrase for me to squeeze out of my mind, heart, and mouth. With the amount of divorces within my family, I air on the side of caution as it is. I believe in the small grand gestures still. I believe that asking someone to be your girlfriend is as important as to marry you, because you only get to do it once in the relationship.
Although I must admit if you looked at this blog out of context of me as a whole you might think all I want is love, but I just love to think about it, discuss it, and those thoughts are literally a fleeting second of a billion others. I analyse, I think, I observe. This is all part of who I am. I will pick sides of the fence and dig in, not because I expect to be right, but I believe in choosing things with the chance of a conversation later on to change it. I eat humble pie well. But I grew up with a lot of teeter tottering of those around me, so I built into myself the ability to decide and move forward. I think that alone can often scare people, because they don’t want the “conflict” or “debate”. To me it is part of the normal conversation. I often get told “let it happen”, “don’t think too much”, but I can’t. I am not wired that way. That is OK too, it just may differ from another, and that is OK too. But both are valid as long as you feel it is the way you want to be.
“I observe the world around me way more intensely than some, which may sound like it is stressful, but for me it is just the quick fire of a synapse in the brain, and it is over. I can totally chew gum and walk at the same time. This is why my heart, under a microscope, is probably bandaged up, split, cracked, and splintered, but still pumping strong. So if you can multitask thoughts, understand that I am not married to just one outcome of a conversation, and enjoy talking because it leads to… more talking.”
This often relates to first dates in terms that I think I am still trying to convince people I am worth their time when first meeting. Sure I have been making sure to take care of myself and the slew of new things I have learned:
One thing I am yet to shake is my childhood need for acceptance… approval… making them know I am worth their time. That is one backward ass sentence. But when you feel like you are in a proverbial rush to the finish, the finish being “interest” or “other suitors”, you can often find yourself giving so much so fast that it becomes a less intimate way of sharing and just a bullet list of things you don’t want to have to regurgitate. Thinking the shock and awe value floating over your head later might hurt things. Mind you these things are you, but I have often convinced myself if we don’t get it all out on the table right now we will probably ruin everything later or run out of time to tell them in the first place before the race ends. The difference between the European “How was your day” and the American answer of Good, versus “Well actually it was X Y Z, good or bad”. But this is where time is truly needed:
And it is amazing how time can slow when two people are ready and willing to step forward together.
What I forgot and is extremely important… when a person is interested in you for you, they make it known. There is no romantic comedy “chase”. There may be some resistance where they will tease back, but they will put forth effort too, they will want to see you, text you, talk to you, like your posts, etc. You won’t just one day “come out of the romantic closet” to the other person. Interest goes both ways and manifests both ways. If they cannot show it and you need it to be shown, perhaps it isn’t the right match. If you like to put in effort and they can show you what you need to feel the sense of approval than so be it! But it is so true that just going with the flow in this scenario is a better decision.
It’s funny I was just talking about a “sense of adventure” with a friend. We determined that I do indeed have one(golf clap), but I consider my time very important these days and find myself less inclined to be adventurous with random people. I would rather people I really enjoy the company of be the ones I give my spare time to and then opt to be stranded on an island with. I could leave a situation but I would prefer to not have to worry about leaving, but camping out for awhile. While this contradicts the word “adventure”, it makes the actual adventure itself so much more fun, rather than just the preconceived notion.
I suffer from some sort of social anxiety, which is ironic since I am literally a social butterfly by nature. I graduated as a theatre major because I could see nothing else for my in my life than interacting with others and putting myself out there for all to see. I was making myself “google-able” before it even existed. It is my default to be expressive and outloud. I thrive the more people are around me and the more people I can put on a show for.
But along the way, my brain changed, my comfort changed, my chemistry changed. I developed the need to know if there was a bathroom where I was going, not because I need to use it but because it signifies the comforts I have in my own home. It represents the “safety-blanket” of a space I have made my own. And at first it was debilitating. I felt like I would never be able to be myself again and I was a broken fragment of myself, but over time I learned it, I adapted to it, and I conquered some of it. It will be a constant struggle but I am OK with it as long as I am learning and evolving with it.
I wasn’t always like this, shit I was always the first one out the door and last one in. I would jump before you could even suggest it. I used to consider my time wasted if I wasn’t out and about even if that meant me not enjoying my evening. One day it clicked that happiness isn’t about being out all the time but doing what feels good at the time you want it. Watch a movie instead of driving around a parking lot or going to the bar or vice versa. But forcing it to happen was my downfall back when. It is that “holiday” pressure. Let’s get blasted because it is New Years, always ended up in the toilet. Not my idea of how to start the New Year. I would rather just go anyday I feel like it. tangeeennttt…
So dating can often be a scary thing… First dates are not scary to me whatsoever, however. I know I can hold my own, I know I will be myself, I know if they don’t accept me for me, then it wasn’t meant to be.(mind you I am still learning how to self preserve) Sure I will be upset if they are a beautiful person and I don’t understand why they don’t like me back, but I can’t control that, I can’t be in everyone’s head(as much as I try by expressions and tonality). I am one of those people who would choose insanity, while being able to hear every thought of every person than to be naive and sane.
But ultimately I make sure I am the best version of myself that I can be, that includes telling people about my shitty day or good day when asked. I don’t have the mind space to have different personalities for people or situations. Sure I know what is socially acceptable behavior or not, but I choose to be the same “version” of myself to the best of my ability in every case.
On some of these dates I have been on I feel like I need to be more careful who I get stuck with and when. Because I think a lot of my anxiety is not about being in control but lack of control. I under estimate my own ability to leave a situation that doesn’t make me happy. I am slowly learning to navigate that. Instead of going to a happy place, I am facing it more head on and learning when I am going because I just don’t want to be somewhere or if I am trying to escape myself. I often feel like I will disappoint someone if I say no. Learning to balance my yes’s and no’s is still a struggle.
I am learning how to tell someone I would like to get to know them before doing some crazy adventure. Seems to be an online dating thing where your first message has to “amaze them” or your first date has to be “an adventure”.. if I met you in person it would be different because I could get a feel for you, but online, I want to at least meet you before the crazy fun begins! I blame this on the idea that online dating overloads you with so many options you are looking for someone to “best” the other person.
So online dating has taught me something new, I have to be really critical of people’s faces. God, Tristan, you are so shallow!
Wait let me explain… So an online dating profile is comprised of 10 or so images of the person. First factor in: The person picked the photos they think best portray who they are, then take into consideration that you have different angles, lighting, and no actual three dimensional view of their face in these photos.
Let me first disclaimer this with: the beauty of these photos is obviously subjective to who is looking, what they like, what attracts them to another human being, and so forth. No one is being called out for being ugly, just for not fitting what I or another may be looking for or find attractive.
Ok now with that out of the way, let’s say you see one image you absolutely love. And you go, WOW. This person is gorgeous, I want to know more about her! Then you swipe to the right and see image 2, you brush it off because it doesn’t have the same effect but her ass looks great, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, same reaction but to different parts of her, except the face… But you don’t care, you know she is “gorgeous” in photo one and fits the physical criteria you have set. Wrong. You have become fixated on what you want the person to look like, not the overall.
I am a victim of this. Whether you have 3 images or 100, you can literally get so consumed by one shot that really plays to what you are looking for that you ignore the other images. You are not looking at the whole picture. I am a photographer, I understand angles, lighting, and makeup… yet even I find myself having to remind myself to look at the images together. If I am attracted to 10% of her face in photos, this is not going to work. When you meet in person you are going to essentially put together all those photos like a 3D printer would, piecing together a real person not a flat image.
It is so important to like 90% or more of someone’s face in their photos because they portray a complete picture of this person. They show their good and bad sides whether intentional or not. If you can feel connection from the bad sides and the good, the real life meet is going to blow your mind. You are going to be sitting there waiting for them to walk into whatever place you are meeting, and when they finally do, you are going to forget how to be cool and how to keep it together as you oogle them. Their eyes now having shine to them, their skin complexion, their hair motion… everything turns into a beautiful moving image, what people before online dating would have called real life.
I used to be so fixated on making sure someone took care of their body, wasn’t out of shape, and presented themselves truthfully, but I was so focused on that, I would often overlook the face. The face is the part that stays as you age, the eyes don’t change, the lips don’t change, etc. This is the most important part of the body(other than your mind, haters)! The part you see when you kiss, the part you see when you wake up, the part you look at while talking about your day, the part you wanna smoosh when they are being a doofus. (I do have a two face theory as well if you are interested: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/74653633662/the-two-face-theory )
Don’t get me wrong I still think it is important to take care of your physical as much as you take care of your mental state of health, but the face is something we can literally forget about when it comes to online dating and seeing image after image of people, flicking through them like a deck of cards. You become numb to the details. But if I can offer any advice, it is that if you don’t feel with almost 100% confidence that you are attracted to someone’s face, don’t go on the date, delete the match. Sure you might have gotten along really well as friends, and sure someones mind and personality truly do makeup for more than 70% of attraction, and it is true, I have experienced the process of getting to know someone more and finding them more attractive the more I knew, but the face is so important, it tells so much of the story. So don’t sell yourself short. Even when I have felt that deeper connection with someone, I always loved their face in every photo, in person, and in general. The rest of the body be damned.
With online dating this is even more important because when you don’t have the ability to assess them through your sunglasses on the subway, understand the dimensions, feel that strange “connection” or “attraction” first hand, see them part their hair to the side of their face, and are just skimming through a bunch of “headshots” never getting to see them act or a reel, you really need to make sure you want to kiss them every day, for the rest of your life. I know, crazy talk, but I honestly believe it. This shit isn’t organic, so embrace it and perhaps you will have a better chance of not feeling disappointed by yourself for casting your own smoke and mirrors, just to get to the “date”. It is OK to say no and it is OK to be picky. There is something for everyone when it comes to what attracts us, so make sure you are looking for the right things. That is what I am trying to do, stumbling as I go, but learning each time I stumble. And just so I feel better about writing this outloud, no I am not “trying to hard”, I am literally just writing outloud how my brain works. This is me, for better or worse, I will think about forever after before I even meet someone, but I don’t go into it expecting a fairy tale ending, I let myself be, and through being, I take a step at a time, with many educated jumps ahead of me.
When I was young, as many others did, I had created a list of “wants” for a significant other. While this seemed to work when I was 14, as I got older I realized this was a really poor way to approach dating. I guess I figured “must have beaten the third stage of the fourth boss in my favorite video game” was a bit too unrealistic.
So what better place to explore the “no expectations” ideal than online dating. Oh the irony. Online dating is starting to look to me more and more like a dating 101 class than actually meeting people to form a real relationship.
I mean between figuring out how to end poor dates without excuses, learning the different sub genres of people and personalities, and actually enjoying yourself, you have to battle through those who are using the tiny semblance of anonymity provided by these sites to boost their egos, recover from breakups, or feel they are not worthy of another counterpart due to a self perceived flaw.. so you start to subconsciously make that list again!
But unlike childhood we aren’t writing these down, making some sort of crayola version of an excel sheet to keep track, we are just experiencing it on every date we go on and either smiling or cringing when it happens.
All the different parts of people, their voices, their personalities, their likes, dislikes, outdoorsy, indoorsy, drug use, animals, kids, social skills, their height, their body size, their smile, lips, sexual compatibility, smell, pheromones, 2d pictures vs 3d in person… That silly list you had as a child starts to become a real thing but this time with dislikes, likes, loves, and deal-breakers. Yes deal-breakers are a thing, that one thing that you can literally breath out and say, “phew I don’t have to talk to 5 people at once and just 4 now that I realized this person has a deal-breaker.”
What I am starting to realize is there is a lot more that needs to match up for a match that can bring me happiness, problem is there is really no way to expedite the process. We have to experience multiple dates with these people in order to get past intuition and actual application in real life scenarios. I didn’t realize someone I liked was extremely racist until we went out for the third time and I almost crawled under the table as she berated the Chinese waitress for not speaking perfect English.
Each person we date or are attracted to usually has one or two of these things we have been adding to this fictitious list, but not all of them, making us feel unsatiated, thus afterwards deciding to move on. Not only the good but we are adding the bad too. So as we date more we are checking things off the list but simultaneously and maybe even subconsciously adding them. Because the difference is night and day when we meet someone with 90% of our indescribable experience list… Even the smallest thing like the sound of someone’s voice can have a huge impact.
Is the massive amount of dates just making us numb to seeing what is right in front of us? Or worse yet are we piling onto a metaphorical list through jaded dates? Are we putting more value on the bad than the good? It is like after each date we are rebounding and the next person who is the opposite of the last date just jumped up the list because we aren’t seeing the things that may be even worse for us.
Not to mention, going from one person that may have been a great experience to the next can change your emotional state. Stressing or depressing your ability to give the new person the same amount of uninhibited attention and creativity. You may be left feeling a little empty having fueled the person before to full. Not that you don’t want to give your all, you just have a bit of burn out. Who doesn’t want to give their best version of themselves? But we do have to remember, that version was specific to the other person and how they made you feel. Remember that. This I believe will allow you to do your best to be who you are now, burn out and all. Let it breath it’s own life into this new moment, with this new person, however it shapes itself. Due to the numbers game that I speak about in my podcast, “Things change, make a conscious effort’, you just never know how much time will pass in between your next “good” date/experience. This can take an emotional toll and be draining. I don’t have an answer on how to not pile onto the lists of prior nor avoid the burn out, I guess speaking with the person about it as I talk about in my podcast “Embracing the Past, Verbalizing the Present” could be an option if the person seems receptive to it, being open to those reflections being your today, not defining it, but having a say in your day. Perhaps this kind of un-abated raw honesty could make these transitions easier for everyone.
I guess I am still a romantic at heart because even when recovering from the last date, or subconsciously playing Jenga with my “lists”, when I run across someone who breaks the mold of the categories and sub-genres I have put people into.. Someone whose voice makes me nervous that I might stumble my own words, but more importantly, feel comfortable enough to do so and makes me feel insecure and vulnerable from the chance that they not feel the same way, yet secure and safe to say it anyway… if you can embrace it, you realize how little your “list” intentional or not matters. You realize that the moment, the day, the want for tomorrow is now your list. Your list is defined by timehad, time spent, and time to come. You don’t see a giant scroll with your Christmas wishlist to Santa anymore, but you hear the jingle of the bell when you still believed.
I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly help us make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real or a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it.
If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum, and wear plaid. I am great with my hands, and will always choose to try to fix something first before asking for professional help. My grandfather who could build the craziest inventions on a workbench only I was allowed to share with him, my grandmother a seamstress who taught me textiles and sewing, and my mother who combined both of these in her creative approach also gave me the gift of music and art that led to a skillset that is diverse in nature. But I also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. I am plugged in at the hip to most things technology, both because I have to and want to. There is something to be said about going off grid from time to time though, and ultimately I would want to find someone to pull back from the need to use social media versus the enjoyment of casual perusal. It comes down to perception: Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others ideas it is inception? *epic music here*
I am really not a fan of bars or packed clubs… Every now and again it is enjoyable but I am 9 times out of 10 happier with you laying on me in the middle of the park. Shit I am even happy without talking and just enjoying the people and falling asleep in the afternoon. Does that mean I don’t like going out? Hell no, I love it, but I love the woods, I love the water, I love working on a project, building something with my hands, wearing my most comfy outfit while sitting on the patio but enjoying the company of everyone around. Grab a drink, don’t grab a drink, order some food, whatever you want. I want to wake up the next morning after cuddling with you to have coffee, knowing damn well that this is going to make us both have to poop. It is calm and natural. Also I am damn good at doing nothing and being 100% ok with it. I do not have FOMA (fear of missing out). I did when I was younger but then I realized that fear was actually causing me to miss out… Mostly on enjoyable things by forcing myself to look for it too much, often ending in tiring boring nights of the same old shit.
Watching the other people at bars and clubs makes me hate civilization. Looking at these people lining the walls, with a fake “yo I am cooler than you” face is weird. Watching every girl coming in with more and more ass hanging out confuses me. Sitting in the corner of a smelly room paying excruciating prices for a glass of 20 dollar bottle of wine. I will never understand it. Shit I wanna use that dance floor to make a fool of myself. Surrounded by people who will enjoy it. I would prefer the opposite of any dance film where everyone is a professional and just have the worst person in the middle be the winner.
I often try to think of ideas for third and fourth dates and I realize I want to do the same thing I would suggest for 1 and 2, food, a museum, the park, a hike, pool, maybe a movie on the couch? Do I feel like it makes me less attractive, yes. I feel as though to fit in sometimes you have to know the best restaurants in this city of culture and diversity. You have to be able to suggest the best wine, not to mention afford it. You have to write that you like sarcasm and travel in your dating profile, even if majority when really broken down in percentage of time their travel to staring down at the phone ratio would paint a different picture. I am extremely well traveled. I don’t have a want to travel just to travel, I have a want to experience together. But I am truly just happy to be with you. As long as we are looking in the same direction, laughing at the same people we walk by, I am happier with you, and noticing the weird looking squirrel than wherever our destination may be, hopefully you notice the squirrel too. I am also content just to be doing our own thing but around each other. (according to those close to me, I can be 1000 times more productive when someone is just sitting with me) I find that exploring and finding the cool places with you would be more fun than a fully planned out evening ever could be. I also wonder if asking you to the park on a first date is going to make me less “mysterious” and a “man’s man”, hindering my ability to “court” you. Does a big bill and drinks = fuckable and a calm day in the park = boring? I just wanna scream “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” sometimes.
I honestly fantasize about living as far from a busy city as you can get. I fantasize of waking up to the smell of coffee, going into the yard and doing some work. I’ve always loved to just walk outside barefoot to get a breather from the day, it inspires me, it gives me life. Then perhaps I go to work or do some chores, ultimately ending up home next to you, maybe you are reading a book leaning on me as I fall asleep or we are just in the same house finishing up what we need to do. But we are together and there is no pressure other than the need to take care of life, each other, and check in on youtube cat videos here and there. I think with the right company this lifestyle will give more pleasure than a fast paced, high paying, job could ever. Or why not both? I mean we were raised with the idea that eventually we find a job/career, make money, and love, yet we always seem to put love on the backburner.
But back on topic, will our first date in the park be on the day you really wanted a drink in a bar? You never know, but at least, we get to meet in person, and at least feel if there is something there instead of googling it. And I have come to a somewhat understanding that I am ok with this choice of date, as long as it means being me.
“What I’m trying to make a point of is yes it’s those little simple everyday human things that I wish people valued more It’s the smallest things that create real intimacy and the smallest things that create and lead to big things“ – A.A.A.
Disclaimer: I know the difference between a “Safety Date” and a woman’s needs in a world that is not so “Safety” oriented for them. Predatory men are everywhere and it hurts my damn soul to even have to write a disclaimer like this. My 5 sisters experiences and teachings have shown me so much more than I think many men have seen when it comes to, even just walking down the street with one headphone in or with nothing playing at all. I can’t even imagine what that is like. This entry is me talking about when I know it’s a “Safety Date” for the sake of what this entry will get into. Not actual safety. It’s weird too because, I’ve asked enough people to FaceTime or call prior to a meeting and even with the dangers of just meeting from Online Dating, I’ve been hit with an extreme amount of resistance to anything that might be considered the smart decisions(no not giving out your phone number and revealing information, but utilizing less invasive methods) that I wonder why every girl, after seeing the abuse my sisters go through, wouldn’t jump at the idea of “If there is no visual confirmation/Facetime/Instagram Video/Signal call, then we don’t meet”. Just seems like the responsible thing to do. Ok, so that out of the way, let’s talk about the “Safety Date” from my perspective, as a man, who also respects and abhors that woman have to be extra careful.
I have too often gone on dates where I am told via text before arriving(because that is what we do to avoid the awkward conversations these days), “I have to leave in an hour, meeting a girlfriend for X Y Z”. Now this could be true or it could be total bullshit. The amusing factor is it is done for the same reason every time: a safety net from a bad date. For a person like me that couldn’t even quite deal with the timer on a Mario game back during my childhood, these trivial times on dates make me not want to leave the house in the first place. I am going on a date to enjoy the time, not plan for it to be a disaster or feel like I will lose an extra life if I go over the designated timelimit.
I have been on my fair share of dates where I realize within a few minutes of meeting that there is literally no connection. It is amazing what being in person with three dimensions, voice, pheromones, and close contact can have versus a two dimensional photo on a dating site and the obligatory resume or the notorious “About Me”.
So what do I do? I can tell you what I used to do; nothing. I would slog out the night filling the empty space with “uh huhs” and “yeahs”. Constantly checking my phone hoping candy crush(disclaimer I never have nor will I ever play that game!) will somehow become the worlds best excuses app, but constantly realizing all I have in the pipe is “My grandmother died”… and then I feel guilty for thinking it. Yeah not a very good one. So now I am not only doing a disservice for myself but to the person across from me. Trying to be boring enough so maybe they will want to end it and take the burden off me. To me that is exactly what the “timer” is, a tedious way to regulate a date before it even begins and if we are having a great time, trust me I don’t want you to leave just to keep the facade alive of your “plans”.
What do I do now? I tell the person the truth. WHAT!? You would be amazed at how much less invasive the truth is. This is NOT a skill I had inherently, this was something I had to teach myself. I had to build up my own belief in the idea that I need to protect myself a little bit as well. Not from danger but from situations that made me uncomfortable. I was asked once, “why did you stay if you were not enjoying your time?” I said, “I didn’t know what to say.” I was answered quickly, “Why not the truth”… I literally laughed out loud, but when I saw they were serious and considered it a way to care about and/or protect yourself a bit, for someone who is used to giving, I saw the figurative lightbulb over my head light up. I needed to figure out a “timer” without hindering the possibilities of a good date. So I decided to go with the truth. Trust me the first few times were a little messy, but even the worst ones(which were not that bad), I got a text later on thanking me for my honesty and it was just not something they were used to. And ya know what? It felt really good to be able to protect that inside of myself that feels trapped when I am with someone I am not interested in. It let me go about my day/night the way I wanted without wasting time and energy on something I knew wasn’t going to work. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you are on a train wreck so horrific you can’t even get yourself to look away, but what I didn’t realize is how much less jaded I got when I was able to go into a new date and know I was in control of my own comfort, if I felt no connection I could now openly explain to the other person, in a kind way, that I would like to end it right then, instead of dragging out something and being totally fake. It has made internet dating so much less nerve wracking. It doesn’t lead anyone on and it gives you actual control over something I always thought was uncontrollable.
So how is this different than the timer? I suppose different strokes for different folks, but imagine this if you may… If everyone approached the first date like this, would you even need to tell someone in what would become a redundant, yet currently obligatory text at the end of the night, “I had a good time”. If you made it through the date, guess what is implied? Yup. One change would make a ripple effect on how dating feels. It could literally make a good date that much better because no one is leaving the date wondering. I often reference European culture in respect to not having to question a date and how it went, and being able to be yourself. Take a gander at this article: http://www.myfrenchlife.org/2014/06/18/french-vs-american-dating/ A kiss in the French culture means exclusive. Hookups are less of a faux pa and “dating” doesn’t exist, they don’t even have a word for date. So there is a much more distinct line between getting to know someone comfortably and openly than just trying to get laid. The difference between a date where you are following strange dating mechanics of “doing” rather than “being”. But one step at a time. What do you think? Will you choose to tell the truth next time? Because it really is just that, a very conscious choice. And even if it feels harder, it ultimately ends up being easier on your soul.
It is so incredibly complicated getting to the second date these days. The rules of “3 days before a call” have long been muddied, if not completely forgotten. Now you are faced with the dilemma of liking an Instagram photo, responding to a Facebook post, texting an indifferent message once every day or two so not to seem too interested but still interested enough until schedules line up. The balancing act of texts between multiple dates, hoping you don’t message the wrong person the wrong response, timing your texts so not to be assumed you are overbearing.
All these unspoken “rules”, impossible to master without literally not giving a shit, because texts are usually two or three lines of nothing of consequence. So you sit there looking at your time stamps and read recipes wondering if the other person
A is just not interested
B doing the same shit
C has nothing interesting to say
So you question saying hi because saying hi is so damn easy these days. Nothing rings, no running to the phone, just hit a button, tap a screen, flush, and be on your way. The amount of times someone like me who enjoys conversation and interaction gets questioned if I am overzealous is hard to count. If I am in love with you after one date, first you must be amazing beyond words for a text, and secondI woulda sent you flowers.(this is not a dead art dammit!)
(Shit having this blog makes most people assume I am obsessed with love.)
This period between date one and maybe even three or four is confusing, judgmental, and just plain silly. The “I had a good time with you tonight” and if you are feeling generous and not cryptic “would love to see you again” is usually the only sane text after and before date one. It happens somewhere between one and two hours after the first date ends and is usually met with an “I agree” or “me too” but it never defines when you will see the other again. So you are now wondering, should I follow up with a time, or do I wait until tomorrow since I just left. There is no more “distance” because it is so easy to talk immediately after seeing one another. Questioning your own texts perchance they will be taken out of context of trying to get to the next date sucks. Then the time between setting up a time and the date… should you send a few texts here and there to get to know them a bit more?
In my opinion we should use all these communication methods not as a label for “desperate” but a tool to transition smoothly from one date to the next. i understand some people are nuts, but isn’t that what the first date was for? You should probably have a good indication of crazy or not by now. This would allow us some time to talk a little more about our daily life that isn’t considered proper first date etiquette. But nope… We stumble and question and end up looking at a slew of texts over a period of time assuming the other person, if their texts start to amount to something more than a screen’s worth,(mind you this is still probably no more than 10 sentences on 4 inch screen), is a loser, has no other prospects, is obsessed, or likes is more than them. All of this is a false sense of balance and it blows. And remember if you see the “is typing” animation don’t text before it sends or you look too desperate… Growing up in the AIM generation doesn’t help me here haha.
Don’t even get me started on trying to call someone…..
You can say I miss you to someone within the first few minutes of meeting them, but what are you truly missing? I think I have always thought it would be nice to miss someone or just default to saying it as a kind way of saying I was looking forward to seeing them again. However, I am starting to realize that I may have been using it wrong, missing the idea of what I saw as a glimmer of hope of what could be. Having it feel good but stop at that. How long does it actually take to truly miss someone? I am talking about missing them as a being not as a thought. Not missing the process, but missing their conversation, missing their laughter, missing their personality, missing how they make me feel and how I perceive I make them feel. I miss you can feel so much better when you truly feel like their actions, words, physicality, affection, and who they are makes you feel… for lack of a better term, complete.
I would almost go as far as saying “I miss you” can be taken in similar light as “I love you” but because it is not as in your face, it is thrown around much easier. Kinda like saying “I heart you” before you are ready to truly say “love”.
That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one in terms of truly understanding the person in front of you. As much as I would love to believe in “love at first sight” my logical side sees how you can only truly get to know someone so much each time you see them. Have you seen them cry? Have you had the chance to decide on what to eat while watching Netflix? Have you taken the time to wake up to them? Have you felt them in your arms while you slept? Have you talked to them after a bad day of work? Have you run around the park with them on a warm day? Have you laid out on the grass in the middle of the day with them saying nothing at all? All of these things are important to establish a baseline of who they are. Much to my own dislike for delayed gratification, take time. You start to dispel the “idea of the person” and see the person in front of you.
So who is to say, once you truly, actually, full heartedly “miss” someone, that perhaps you are or have fallen in love with them too. I feel as though you can still miss the touch of a person, the chemistry of a person, and just the general feeling of not being alone in a very saturated world of Tinders, Okcupids, and Women/Men at a fingers swipe. And it is easy to quickly say “I miss you” and for it to feel sweet and sincere. But when you truly think about it, when you truly allow yourself the part of your mind that processes moment to moment as well as the larger picture, to truly miss someone and to understand what it means to say it, I believe will and should feel different. I want to, when saying or for that fact, hearing “I miss you”, know the person actually has a grasp of me and misses the person I am and not the idea of who I can be or the hole I might fill, if after that sunova bitch… time; which is the catalyst for truly knowing a person beyond what a few pre-planned dates can deliver, it turns out we truly do miss each other.
P.S. I feel like there is something about getting away from someone and then coming back fresh and having a new experience that shows you something new about them. I think you can MISS SOMEONE don’t get me wrong, but to MISS MISS someone I feel like it is two different experiences in one expression. Basically time is the ONLY way to get all the pieces to the puzzle that is “us” as human beings. And I am sure there is a certain point where we have enough to feel the “miss” part as knowing another person is an ongoing thing, but without the actually time clocked, I think there is an actual information barrier that cannot be completed.
Dating can be intimidating.. with all the different dates we go on, it feels like a rush to the metaphorical finish line of “pulling full attention”. So we work hard to get it, but do we compromise just being ourselves for the “win”?
It’s all about perception, state of mind, and timing.
Will tomorrow be a day of bliss or agony for you? Maybe it felt slow for you, maybe it felt fast… then we have a date and you meet me with the day on your mind. Now will my day counter or compliment yours? Will my timeline, like an inner monologue match speeds?
What if you had a date yesterday. What if it went well? Do you now compare everything I say to the good you saw from that date? Of course. It is natural. But does this affect the whole?
What if the date was terrible and it makes my mediocre seem refreshing?
Timing, perception, and general ability to be the same person we are when doing errands as we are on a date all play an important role in the first date. If we can be who we are with our friends with this new person I feel like we can avoid the ‘competitive” need to win or fight over that first “dating pool” hump. It either works or doesn’t, but many don’t like this idea because not a lot of people go naked to a first date. Most wear hard to penetrate jeans or baggy outfits to protect themselves. So in our 80’s attire wearing minds, even if one is themselves, what guarantees the other is? Nothing and I believe that is why it is frustrating. You go in as yourself and you hope the other person can be too. Is it incompatibility if one person isn’t able to get over the first date jitters? Is it incompatibility if one person is having a different perception that day? Should your potential match “date” like you date?
That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one. You established a baseline and now you want to explore more. You start to dispel the “idea” of the person and see the person in front of you. You can start to “I miss you” with an actual representation than the innate need to want.
What if having such a large pool of people to “pick” from has made us numb to what is in front of us? I find a lot of dates end with a feeling of not even knowing if I should call or text more. Not knowing how to even approach a second date, sometimes this will even apply to date two and three. It isn’t because I feel disconnected from you, actually I am quite interested, and we seem to be having a great time together, but there is this weird nonchalant feeling to it. Complacency with first dates over the idea of seeing more. As if perhaps we have to act “cool” so not to mess with our busy lives or open up to hurt. I want to say “I would love to go out together on another “date” and perhaps see if you were interested as well, more than just “cool dude” but “hmm might make a nice boyfriend, eventually, maybe, perhaps, could be, worth checking out” “ without having to say it.
(last snippet taken from above entry, “do I really miss you?”)
I honestly can not deal with another bar. I want to meet when the sun is out or the rain is falling. I want to drink something that isn’t a form of courage and stumble through the everyday with you. Let’s just take a walk or go to a museum and for just that moment get lost in something other than our own lives, sharing, laughing, giving our phones a rest. In that we can be the unabated child we still feel like, stumbling upon words and not needing Google to answer questions we don’t know. Instead working together to create that day and let it have it’s own story, not an already created Facebook memory to go home to.
I believe finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.
When it comes down to it, I need a challenge, not a game. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Laughter is a plus, even the awkward kind.
Let’s find a random place to lay down and cuddle within the first minutes enjoying the warmth and the affection as we stumble through the words. We can jump into a fountain before-hand if it is to warm. Perhaps we just meet extravagantly in front of the clock in Grand Central and kiss at the stroke of 12(pm I am an old man and need sleep!). Or maybe just kiss right as we meet so now we have a way to make the other shut up when talking too much. It doesn’t need a formula, it just needs a place and the people.
The most important thing to find in a another is someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.
To know that I go into everything in my life with a hopeful outlook even if I get frustrated and caught up by the heat of the moment. I am working on myself everyday even if it is difficult and I would hope you do too. Not because you are broken but because you truly just want to procrastinate stagnation.
I will be 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship, will you?
I want to get to know someone, not based on finding the perfect outfit for a first date, and then canceling because you can’t, but on the person they are every day. I mean when they are old and I am sitting by them in a rocking chair yelling at the kids across the street or the fish in the ocean (depends on where we retire) do you think I give a shit what they wore the first time I met them? (although I will remember because I have a weird memory like that)
But it is more than that superficial part I am talking about. The real first impression, having to do with who you are, who you give off, and how your day has influenced your self at that given time.
The more first dates I go on the more I realize it is impossible to be the same “me” everytime. Sometimes I may be introspective, sometimes goofy, at times I may give off sophistication, and sometimes I just don’t want to tell you about my tattoo again. So for the person on the other end of that night, will that first impression be the “go to” moment of who I am or has social media and the “need” to stalk someone’s past after a date instead of the memory of the night just entertained, made it a moot point.
Will I no longer need to worry about that “changing schools” mentality because so much of me is engrained in an online memoir? Do those first moments slip from mind as the overwhelming amount of social media crams its way into the mind of those around you pushing out the present and consuming them with past?
Or will, as time and dates continue, my true self be a shock. As my personality progresses from one dimension to two dimensional with each encounter, does the person I met adapt or hold onto a memory of that first night when I fit the category of that specific mind set and personality associatively put forth by myself?
Someone said to me I was kinda a “smart dork”, the word smart never really registered as a descriptor I would use for self. People smart or worldy perhaps, but book smart… That would be new. But that night I knew so many random facts, I didn’t need google a damn thing haha. My mind flowed information that might make my LASIK surgery seem like a waste of money since I was being pictures with intellectual glasses on anyway.
So my thought is, does that first impression stick, as the personality we bring back into mind when shit goes wrong or things start to “change”. (Change being a poor choice of words, as it is more like the progression of pulling back the layers of someone impossible to summate in a first encounter) But do we want to live in that “first impression” to hear the songs playing or to feel the butterflies in the stomach?
Does each date, essentially boil down the rudimentary idea of changing schools. In one school you had years for people to “assume who you were”. But you change schools and you can, like a movie, reinvent your self. Eventually you, as a person comes out, but are people so used to a certain “first impression” that even that change will still be crowned with it, masking the quirks, the small bits, the layers. Will we be unable to truly see the person in front of us because our mind has, in some small way, subconsciously, fallen for that “first impression”. Yearning for it to be that simple, that complete, and not having to worry about time revealing more than we are willing to put in effort towards. Instant gratification through perception and projected assessments.
I suppose for me, recently finding love and then having it broken quicker than it was built, I can say over time it is beautiful what more impressions can do, how they can make you find the person more attractive, more exciting, more lovable. I think it is important to just put forward the face you can the day you meet, because then, no matter what, you are being who you can, and each day you continue to tell the truth, to your partner and yourself, allowing for the growth to be organic, beautiful, and comforting. To want that “first moment” back, is like asking for your virginity to be restored. Impossible, to say the least, but so much better the second time, or third, or when you truly understand and embrace a connection.
The evening started alone. Sitting at the table wanting to look busier than I was but being comfortable doing nothing all while being uncomfortable thinking I was perceived doing nothing by those around me. Holding my phone up to cast the cold, glow on my face, to let the world know I was not waiting alone, then being annoyed enough by the glow to put it down and just sit in silence, something I don’t often get a chance to do. Sure I will sit and not speak, but at a table, outside of work, outside of my comfort zone, surrounded by the voices of others. It felt like a droning silence and it was nice. The ladies next to me talking about their difficult day and me selfishly not having to worry about their burdens.
I flipped through the restaurants menu for a little to be sure I would make a good choice. The prices made my jaw drop. I can’t afford this, I can afford this, fuck why did I pick this place, knowing damn well I really wanted to eat here. Healthy organic goodness. A perfect meal for the night. But I am a starving artist, this will make a dent. Fuck it, too late now.
I went back to silence amongst the murmuring voices. Texting her to take her time, saying I had gotten a table, no rush. Words I would want to hear in the same situation. Easier to comfort others than yourself of course.
As I sat there in my thoughts, I was unable to figure out what we would talk about, 2 weeks had gone by since we last met, we could talk of work I suppose, but how long would that last. I had forgotten what we had talked about prior. Did my attempt at a goodnight kiss make this weird? I didn’t have to wait for that answer, that night got to a place where I could actually just speak my mind and ask if it was weird. Turns out it was all OK. No need to analyze. My explanation of my need to hear others thoughts giving her an insight to my intense observation to that around me. Understood.
When she arrived, we did talk about work for a bit, showing her a preview of my recent photos and actually explaining the reasoning was a ton of fun. No one else had seen it yet. She loved the photos I take with the dancers after each shoot, this ritual I do with those I shoot, where we pick the hardest pose off google and I attempt it with them, they being professional dancers and me having remedial skills from college. I made my joke saying someone would probably want those for a gallery versus the ones I put so much work into… but she saw I actually was honestly thinking of including it somehow and had some great suggestions. But she also understood those photos would not exist without the wonderful rapport I built with the dancers throughout the shoot.
These moments in my week where I get to go out and turn my phone on silent are captivating, yes I am talking about dating. To get away from the glow of a screen, the reminders of an email, the chime of a text. To just use my phone as a random fact check or to remember an example. When turning my phone face down makes me feel proud versus scared I will miss something important. In this case the important thing is right in front of me. It gives my mind a rest. Recently I was told, perhaps I wasn’t actually enjoying the moment and being myself but putting on an act of sorts (you can hear more of this in Convincing Explanations). Turns out when I am just me, it is amazing to be disconnected from the world. How much further can we get from nothing where even a cloud isn’t ethereal enough.
I don’t know if it was the lack of being rushed at the restaurant. The food. The lighting. The company. Or the stories I was telling but I had a sense of complete calm that night. In a flurry of both snow, which flurried outside the window and complete thoughts. I talked as myself, calmly, put together, zen. My passion for what I do came out. My voice calmed. I was in my head speaking my heart no fears in the world. Just enjoying the company of the person across from me.
Explaining my tattoo’s meaning without saying a word. Through my stories that night and my life it brought it to fruition, no need for a “story”. It gave it its true meaning. It brought the ink alive and made it meaningful. “The Fool” made more sense than anything I have ever written or said about it. Sometimes when I write something down I have trouble re-hashing it as a story, because I feel like I wrote it better than I could tell it. But my stories that night old or new had a new sense of excitement to them. Of course I started to become nervous and overwhelmed that I was telling a story irreplicable if this date failed and had to be retold to another, but it bringing me happiness in that moment, it made so much more sense and I brushed it off as a casualty of happiness. I can’t even write how I explained it, I would have to tell you every story in the exact same order. A once in a moment moment. 🙂
Sharing these deep moments and being given the chance to recall memories from the past few years that truly brought a smile to my face: directing, my dad, my life. It brought me comfort. It made me legitimately smile.
Being able to explain my life and not be judged on it but accepted for it or just listened to, with intent and interest. Not needing to know what was in her head, because she would tell me. No deep analysis needed. No multiple thoughts within a split second as preparation for what might be said next to head off any dragons or ogres. Not having the answers was just as rewarding as having them. I like not having to constantly make eye contact during a story because I know they are listening. I disarmed myself by not feeling the need to analyse emotions, eyes, shifting, body language, I was comfortable with myself.
I left on that cold night warm and content inside and out. As I write the daily life anxieties start to return but for those two hours I had complete calm and a sense of self. It was beautiful. No expectations, no wants, just enjoying being there. It was her partly her childlike approach to dating that calmed me. It made me feel safe. I didn’t have to talk about sex, pop culture, or entertain. I just got to be me. I could stumble my words, say the wrong thing, and pause to form the words or never figure them out. It all felt comforting. That night was a good night. She opened up to me in an extremely vulnerable way and we could still carry on. Her eyes told an amazingly deep story and through the pain a deep love for herself and those around her.
The snow falling outside the windows on this “spring” evening may have contributed slightly to the mood as it was calming and slightly romantic, knowing we wouldn’t have to endure a WINTER again.
I don’t know if it was friendship or more but right then it was nice. It feels calm. And I like calm. I like being me. I like explaining the different aspects of life I have had a part in. Many people ask me so when did you fall in love with Photography. To me this is a very difficult question to answer. I don’t think there was ever a point. I am interested in many many things so even calling myself a photographer is hard for me sometimes even though it takes up 99.9 percent of my day. Ha. I just really enjoy things where I can interact with people and help to achieve things with them. Help them in their lives and mine gets brighter. When a character I direct a person toward then bleeds into their actual life and contributes positively, I have to call that a good day. But I am not a one trick pony, I can make a mean sauce, salad dressing, dance, sing, photograph, edit, travel, smile, laugh, cry, be sarcastic, and so much more. She seemed to understand the different aspects and enjoyed taking them all in as a first impression for a second time versus a one time “this is how it is”.
We sat, we continued talking and sharing. The snow continued falling. The food eventually coming, the bill no longer on the forefront, but a worthwhile expense toward the experience we just shared. And the last call, as we ended the night as it began… But before that, before even walking out those restaurant doors, into the blustery snowy spring night…
I liked the mutual understanding of our choices versus the judgements. I liked the outcome to not matter. I liked the good food. And I liked sitting with this person, menus down, for a good half hour before ordering.
Just as an update, we are still friends on social media, I hope she sees this, as I don’t think I ever directly shared. But as for us, as a couple, it wasn’t really considered. That evening was our romance, our love, our relationship. That night was how we were meant to interact in the universe and give each other a reprieve from what can be an overwhelming world of dating let alone overwhelming world in general.
I used to believe there was this conscious effort that went into finding the right person quicker than others. I am not talking about meeting them and then getting to know each other, but through personal exploration, sense of self, cultural differences, there was a possibility to see fireworks/ hear music the first time you met. That to me seeing multiple people at once, I.E. “Dating”, was a waste of time where you could be learning the most you could about one person to see if it would work or not, then move on. Shoot like an arrow so to say.
Movies like 500 days of summer made me wince as she took on multiple relationships at once, mind you a very different and intense version of “dating” but one I figured was and is happening all around. People who are afraid to commit, so they just wait until enough time has passed where a decision is made for them on which side of the coin they choose versus flipping it.
But what I am realizing as I learn more about myself is that sometimes that first date is nothing even close to who we are regardless of how self aware we are. In my case, being hyper aware of my surroundings caused me to unintentionally act differently. Validating myself so the person across from me would accept me, putting our needs as whole to the side and worrying about what they thought. The simplest example is being unsure how to tell someone upon first meet “I don’t think this is going to work out” and remove myself from the situation, without becoming uncomfortable.
So now that I am becoming aware of what it is to be myself and to act myself, I can see that obviously others have to be going through the same thing. Then take that and multiply it by how far they have thought about it or how much effort they have put into themselves. So it is no longer me thinking that “giving all up front” is the key(although I believe being open is still important), but being able to “be consciously yourself upfront” is an important first step to getting to know someone.
My projections of how someone may date and the such apply to this newer idea as well. To just date 5 people at once is still weird in my head, but I understand it if you are going into it without an act and honestly just trying to let the organic nature of human interaction take its course. We really don’t know the other person on the other end of the relationship and won’t for quite some time. We may feel an attraction and it feels great, but knowing and feeling “happy” are so different.
You can bring in the talk of sex here but I think it goes beyond the physical. It is about the part of you that doesn’t need that sensation.
For me, I feel like my biggest step lately is just understanding, knowing I am struggling and constantly consciously working on being me on a date, that the other person is too. And regardless of the outcome, I am OK with it because I am being me. I can only bring myself to the table. I no longer have interested in “turning the tables”. By learning and applying that I myself become calm, collected, and meditative on what might otherwise be a struggled date through the above, it has made the simple act of breathing out in between sentences and stumbling over context or conversation a comfort and normal.
It feels wonderful when you are OK with it yourself and even better when the person with you accepts it as well. I think it benefits both people, it turns a “first date” best face forward, into a conversation between two people. It opens you up to stories, memories, and things that can bring you joy and intrigue. The two of us are laying the groundwork for a friendship.
I still believe in being an open book, but my book now has a cover to help let me close it and safely put it away, if I don’t want to read anymore or need a break. This helps to maintain that great crackling sound down the binding if I want to reopen it and let someone read more.
I find myself learning more and more about my securities and defenses. I often consider myself someone without walls, which is true to a point, but then I see an act, albeit a very sincere one, being played out in front of me at times. My own mouth the main actor.
For example, if I were to explain to you my ideas of how relationships work and sharing a lot of feelings up front with no reservation, I would give you a scenario about Europe, my childhood, the way of life there, and how I was raised. This gives you context but in a roundabout way of saying my unabated thoughts on the topic. By putting it in this context I have a third degree of separation removed from the idea that you may reject my ideals and the topic at hand. I have placed them into the context of my life instead of me, as a person, in that very moment I am saying it.
On the other hand, I could tell you I think sharing a lot right away is refreshing, a breath of fresh air, and the way I expect to see things; but there is a chance I get rejected from that idea or judged. While that judgement would be an accurate way for me to assess a relationship, in a deal breaker sense, I have created these “explanations” or “stories” that one would tell their boss on a sick day, instead of just saying “I don’t want to come in today, my work is done, I need a day off”. It beats around the truth in the way a Fool jests the truth, making it acceptable to be laughed off or listened to intently. I have found the “formula” for relaying my own beliefs so that the person in front of me can be “impressed” instead of judgemental. I have figured out how to pad myself from rejection or snap judgements. While I still think there is validity in doing it this way, so you don’t get thought of as the “clingy” or “over analytical” person, it doesn’t do much to help me find the person who accepts the things the way I see them in the long run. Later on, the person could dislike the same idea I just told them while we had our first drink as I set off the pyrotechnics with flashy dance numbers. The presentation may have impressed them, but it didn’t help them to assess it for themselves, thus not allowing my own assessment to be accurate.
I get afraid of people jumping to conclusions of who I am, what I like, and how I see the world, because it is true, I do think about shit intensely, I do have a lot to give right away, but I have been privileged to so many people jumping to the conclusion that, “it is too much too soon” or “all I have to give”, that I have searched for the long winded stories that accompany my feelings, thoughts, desires, and self. It is tiring to have to accompany what could be considered a yes or no answer with notation to read chapter 3 and 4 to truly understand the meaning.
I am pressed to write out that explanation right now, to tell anyone reading this that, spending time as a child in Zurich and abroad helped me to see interpersonal relationships in a different light, to feel more connected quickly, to not be disappointed if things didn’t work out, but to be happy to meet new people and form strong bonds, to not find boobs to be shocking but a natural way of life, to sit 1 inch too close because personal space is boring. To tell you about my friends in Denmark and France that I have stronger relationships than I have with anyone here over less time because we accepted one another based off very truthful, raw, moment conversations. To explain how on Sundays every store, gas station, business is shut down, forcing people to interact, go over to friends for dinner, converse, and just focus on the social aspects of life. Giving for one day, interpersonal relationships more importance that our careers and materialistic needs. But it doesn’t help me. It helps you. It helps you to either “accept” my explanation in that moment or it confuses you because you haven’t lived in that world, therefore you accept it as my “quirk” and consider it something you will learn more about overtime. But there is no more explanation overtime, my me, my “who I am” is the same right then, as it will be two months from then, as it will be with a boss, family member, best friend, and girlfriend.
So I am learning, I am growing, and ultimately I am becoming more comfortable being me.
My mother always told me to “wait, be patient, love would come to you”.
If and when I hear this today, I can’t help but think this is the furthest idea from the truth. Either it is my innate need to rebel against my mother’s advice or it is my sense of self being defined enough to know that the “Love will find you” is not the love I want. I do not strive for the staple white picket fence, mortgage, two kids, and flat screen TV 2 inches bigger than my neighbors. My white picket fence is not a place or a thing, it is a feeling, a way of being. My “hallmark family” is defined by how we live our lives and treat the world around us, not building up a literal and metaphysical wall to create a new world, isolated from the paved street filled with other’s also hiding in their own homes, feet from one another. My ideal love is able to live in the world in front of me, to be present for the ups and downs, and to feel everyday as intensely as the last.
The question I often struggle with is, how do you “find” love then? We seem to be OK with it “finding” us, but someone has to be doing the hunting. If it isn’t me, who is it? If your mother taught you the same thing, be patient, love will come to you, then aren’t we just in a form of stasis destined never to meet one another?
If you do run into a situation where there is a potential for love, should you grab it by the head or should you, like a child, pull its hair and run away giggling, in hopes that it got the clue? We often use words like “clingy” or “intense” to define those who show their true intentions up front when it comes to the topic. I come off as the little kid yelling “Mom, Mom Mom” still, but I’m just excited about most new things and people in my life. I find it to be a tricky tight rope to walk, not only for the other person and to not scare away the deer who heard the twig break, but to also keep your own guard and not get trampled by an idea of love. To keep the balance of self vs infatuation, letting it breath and grow naturally, but also adding wood to the stove before it burns out too quick.
Finding someone else regardless of the social constraints:
Who pays the bill
Who buys the first drink
When you split the bill
who sends the first message
Who txts first
Who calls first
Who says I love you first
What does it all really matter or mean in the long run?
In an organic situation you will find someone attractive and then subsequently judge them based on who they are. What you do in that moment is almost irrelevant, since if and when you decide one day to spend the rest of your lives together today is going to be a distant memory. You will remember feelings, looks, exchanges. You won’t remember the taste of the food or the price of the wine. Things change, jobs change, we change… but our connections grow and to grow together surpasses the social confines of a date.
We shouldn’t put so much pressure on the first impressions or circumstances rather than the person right in front of us. The thing that is most important.
So maybe that is the answer to “letting love find you”; allowing yourself to be open, vulnerable, and safe all at once, in the moment, with the person, regardless of the place, time, or everyday needs bestowed on you as a human being. Listening to them and them to you, letting go of your body to be yourself and actually see them and you in the full picture, before making a judgement or acting on an impulse. We don’t have to meet at the pinnacle of perfection we just have to meet. Then we have to be open to communication and understanding. Then if what ever interested us at our first “spark” is strong enough as we travel along our own life lines we will actually become two people who encourage and inspire one another.
I think for the rare few, maybe love will find them, but for the rest of us, it take’s work, not crunch your next deadline at your job work, but remembering their birthday work and making moments in time, by giving up some of your time, work.
Oh wow throw back Thursday. My first date application I made awhile back. The girl in question said she was very busy and it would take a whole lot for her to have time to go on a date… Do me being me I made her this. I got the date and she is to this day one of my closest friends.
Disclaimer: apparently this is about as vulnerable as I can be with my writing because I met someone a long time ago, we slept together, and they said afterwards, “Wow that was just like what you wrote”. Never have I felt so naked before in my life, while being naked haha.
Since, because I am a lover of discourse, the (wo)men of the city, rather than nature and the countryside, are my teachers. – Plato, Gorgias
With the current trend of books like 50 Shades of Grey hitting the top selling lists, you would think we would all just throw each other in cuffs, a blindfold, and have mind blowing sex the minute tensions arise. But like that book, life is filled with typos and awkward moments.
For me, that first sexual encounter always brings with it a level of anxiety. I am not talking run out of the room or curl into a corner anxiety. I am talking about having no idea beyond the few text interactions leading up, perhaps a Facebook stalk, and subsequent dates/drinks/light hearted conversations we have had, what the person in front of me actually likes, dislikes, gets turned on from, and if they care what turns me on.
I have always, since a very young age, raised with 5 sisters and hearing their horror stories of dates, made it a mission to be in control of my body, emotions, and sexual prowess. In short, I want to please the person in-front of me. I didn’t want to be so selfish that it brought someone to tears, so I put this first interaction before myself more often than not.
I will be the first person to say I have had difficulty performing the first time many times. Not because I am not extremely attracted to the person, but because I find many people when you first dive into this part of the relationship, get closed off and quiet.
Shit even typing about a first sexual encounter makes me question how it will come off to the general populous. Will I be judged for having sex on the 1st date or 10th? Will I be judged for not being able to perform? Will you just think I am broken or a player? Regardless I am going to tell you what it is like for me and then what it is like the second time.(even if that second time is a half hour later).
The first thing I do is gauge the lighting. I find that depending on the person the lighting is super important. Some want to see what they are unwrapping in front of them, and others want it to be a classical lights off, closed eye kissing, “first time”. I listen to their breathing while we kiss, watch the corners of their mouths as each kiss restarts over and over for that curl upward. I keep my eyes open majority of the time to see if they will make eye contact, I find the face of someone at that close proximity in what could be described as a broken down boundary to be beautiful. We can fall for someone at a distance or a 5 foot safety, but that close, the face becomes a new thing to look at, enjoy, and breath in. I love catching their eyes, having that moment where both I and they close them quickly almost embarrassed, but even more I love when the gaze gets locked. It helps to turn this very strange first exploration not only physical but emotional.
That is something that is so hard when you first begin any physical exchange with someone, is understanding that much deeper level of emotion. Sex is intense and it does change things, I don’t care who you are. And what guys will never admit, is they are MUCH more subject to this kind of emotional attachment from sex than women are. For some men it is a territorial thing and some it is intimacy, or a mix of both. For me it is about the connection and not being positive it is a mutual feeling yet. And I don’t expect it to be clear that first time.
Are the hands on your back holding tightly because you are nervous or because you want me closer. How do you gauge what your emotional level is at this point anyway. Easy answer? You don’t. I don’t care if you are someone with a 3 date rule, 10 date rule, marriage rule, sex is so damn personal, no set of guidelines and conversation leading up to it is going to make it smooth. Sure you may be able to be dominant or submissive right off the bat, but there is a connection we all strive for that is mutual. When we let our guard down and don’t play a “role” things become scary. And this is why sex is scary for me at first, I am emotional, I love romance. However I have been a Dominant Leo all my life. Since I could first get it up I always found some sort forms of BDSM extremely sexy. Nothing in the self depreciating world, but the whole tied down, blindfold, outfits, and things that just spice the act up. I may not be a certified dom and definitely too shy without the right trust to say the right things, but I am extremely observant and have learned quite a bit on my own. I naturally fall into the “in charge” role of many given situations, sex being one of them. To have a partner in crime who is comfortable makes me comfortable, opening up the gate to a whole lot more. This likely allows me to stop tryin to just please, but to be present for the moment, with them, together.
But my big secret is that since I knew what a wet dream was, I was of a “submissive” mindset. Let me define this better, I love to not have to control everything, I love for someone to be strong and be able to help guide me a bit or take control of the situation. Not because I want to be dominated or a submissive, but because I find it really sexy when the person I am with has put in the same amount of time and effort to learn about what makes the opposite sex, boiling down to, their partner, happy in bed. I find it captivating when there is a balance of give and take. I will have my jaw break before I give up on figuring out what pleases you, so why should I expect less in return? Should I just accept the female/male power dynamic of “women can hold out sex to control their man?” What century are we in? To have put the same amount of thought and research into the male body as I have the female seems fair to me. I am 30 and still learn new things. So how can you as a woman who knows your body is different than others and will often admit it openly, then turn around when something you do doesn’t work on me and say, “but it worked on the last guy”. I don’t want you to pull away because I can’t get off after X minutes like your ex and you feel depreciated or belittled. I am a new person, this is a new chemistry, and I am taking it all in. It is beautiful and it should be overwhelming.
Why am I even talking about this when I am talking about “first encounters”? It all ties into the idea that you just don’t know that first time. You don’t know if you should pull the hair or caress it. You don’t know if you lock eyes if they will think you are getting too “involved” subconsciously and reel back from intimacy. So to even get to the more inner expressions of desire, I muddy my way through every bit of emotion I can get my hands on. It doesn’t matter how often you talked, how many times you met, or what you discussed prior, it is beautifully messy.
“It’s so prehistoric, all men care about is performance, but they have an appendage that doesn’t work if they are worried about performance.” – Love and Other Drugs
After all of this, you are usually fooling around for a certain amount of time before you actually engage in some sort of sexual intercourse. So now my mind is thinking about 10 gazillion things, your body language, your breath, your gaze, your emotes, the fucking lighting, all while trying to keep my little guy ready to go. Even talking about it makes me laugh out loud, there is no way to do this smoothly unless you have the ego of a neanderthal and are just there to get your fuck on. Add to that the worry that the person you are with will feel rejected if it takes you a moment after the foreplay to re-gain your “manliness”, and it is just a “rock hard” formula for disaster.
The sex itself is also an exploration. I have actually taught myself to be more vocal so the person I am with knows more of what feels good, but even then that first time, all I can think of is, “I don’t want to disappoint them” I want them to orgasm and feel good, but sometimes it comes at a small cost of exhausting my own ability, and without the mutual give and take on their end afterwards. When I meet the person who puts in the extremist amount of effort that I do and doesn’t “give up” or get inside their head about what to do next to the point of self depreciating paralysis, I will have met my sexual match. I want to exhaust myself the first time, with a smile on my face, because I know the next time, I have so much more awareness and so much more emotional attachment.(yes I know, emotional attachment… scary)
The best experience I have ever had was when the person I was with, laughed during the awkward moments. They knew it was OK to be messy, it was OK to be scared, it was OK to have anxiety. It is amazingly fun to explore the other person, to ask awkward questions, to look to please the person you are hoping to see again and again. It is fun to touch the parts that have been covered up all night, it is fun to pull back for a moment and look, it is nice to start with the lights on to see what you have wanted to see for however long it has been before getting to this point.
So yes, I am not the perfect first time, but the second time, which could literally be after I go pee and relax for a half hour, I have heard your moans, I have touched your body, I am intrigued by your “sexual” look, I want to feel you again, and all of this lifts a huge amount of that first time pressure and allows you to just be more in the moment, but more connected at the same time. I got to see what you are like versus getting the synopsis in what these days is the obligatory “sexts” prior.
It can be equated to the simplest form of intimacy, the first kiss. After the first kiss, you know something about your partner, you know they are interested in you too. And so you pull about a foot away from them, open your eyes, and giggle a little, then you just start making out as if you have never kissed another person in your life because it feels good, physically of course, but emotionally, to feel as though you are validated. The person you are with is now partly closer to fulfilling the possible “meet the parents” question. OFF THE FIRST KISS? Yes, off the first kiss. I don’t care what anyone says, if you are actually looking for a relationship, open to dating, and want more than a one night stand, your mind will subconsciously run every scenario of the future it can, even if that subconscious moment is a nano second in between pursed lips.
So I am here, stumbling through my love life, and OK with it. Those imperfections, that struggle, that is what makes it worthwhile. Those moments when you get that tiny bit of validation, confirmation, two minds as one, and you literally smile from the inside out… I may have a moment where I am a stallion or a moment where I am a broken mare, but each moment is beautiful for what it is; sharing an intimacy with someone you hope will share it back, and each day that intimacy turns more into familiarity, that face when you are so close your noses touch becomes something you wish you could get a prescription glass to see it more clearly, and that person becomes someone who you look at and think, “It is OK to tell them about my 51st Shade of Grey”, so that familiarity doesn’t become stagnation or routine or a power play. Call it what you will: love making, fucking, first times, last times, they all are part of a process. I was once told through a message on my dating profile,
“”hmmm… This guy is a little too honest.“ … Then I thought, “I use to be that honest… When did that become a bad thing?” “
We set rules and guidelines based on social norms, the news, our friends experiences, disconnected(but well intentioned) advice from those around us, a revolving inspirational meme on tumblr, or a youtube video explaining “how to ____”, but we forget it is nothing more than someone else’s experience. I make sure to apply my own needs, wants, insecurities, and awkward laughter to the person in front of me, not the idea of what is happening, but what IS actually happening. I don’t know how to not be myself and that often scares me.
“That something is difficult is one more reason for us to do it” – Rainer Marie Rilke, Seven Letters to A Young Poet
To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.
“ Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”
This girl messaged me on OkCupid and I was actually really looking forward to meeting her from what she said in response to a message I guess I sent a month back saying “You need more smiles”,
“I just saw this message. You sent it in May and it is now July.. That probably means that you are no longer single. Your profile is probably a dead entity taking up virtual space — just like mine. Anyway I read your novel. You’ve got sass and I like that. But specifically sass with a purpose. Purposeful sass if you will. Like there’s something going on in your mind. You know how many people seem to have nothing going on in their minds? A bunch of people walking around who are already dead on the inside. Anyway if you are not in something serious, engaged, married, if OKCupid has not yet fulfilled your wildest dreams we should talk more.
No emotion in my face girl”
So one would assume from this message, the back and forth would be a LOT of fun, as well she would not be into social norms that make you have to disassociate with normal thought process in order to “game each other” into wanting to talk more, rather than just talking in a flow of thoughts and ideas.
So I sent her a message back, started slow, one paragraph (that is hard for me!)
She wrote back 2, and asked for me to tell her something she didn’t know. So I wrote back 4 paragraphs.
4 days go by, nothing..
I don’t check that site often so I ran across it and pinged her, “Hey did I lose ya?”
She writes back no, we should meet. I am like ok cool.
Number given. 3 days go by nothing.
I message her again asking what’s up. I do however break that message into two as my thought process is not always succinct. Figure why not. I am not giving her a ring, I am asking about making plans.
It seems like these “Hey are you alive” messages are the only way for her to respond as she replies almost immediately and says, let’s me Friday.
Ok, cool. (OR SHOULD I SAY HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR!) So I suggest the place and we are a GO!
I always leave a bit early for meeting people. I like to be on time, but heat, traffic, and friday rush hour =’s me being 30 minutes late. I messaged early to say I was stuck in traffic and would be late, I rushed in the subway, ran a few stairs, ya know the “give it effort while trying not to melt in 107 degree weather for the first date”.
So I get out of the subway and immediately call her phone to say I am here and apologize once again. She says she went into the store close by and will be down in like 10 minutes, I was like thats cool, she is probably checking out or some shit. Least I can do is wait for her to finish up whatever she was doing to pass time while I was trying to get there.
So somehow I chose Columbus Circle, the CENTER OF “wind”. Wind hits the center monument/fountain from 3 or 4 different directions at once, making the heat actually very bearable and comfortable. The fountains spraying a mist of lovely water in your face as well. I was watching couples who just went into the fountains laying out on one another, thinking to myself, man too bad this is a first date, that is a fucking great idea, and honestly my ideal date. Comfortable soaked, relaxing, and just talking. Ahh so much fun to see, the ballet street performers, the skate boarders, the annoying “camera man” shooting his light bar of 50000 LEDS in our faces for each jump, the crazy guy, the hipsters, the drunk, the tourists snapping shots of everything, the older guys wanting to be part of the younger kids fun helping them up after each jump… I digress. But why am I digressing? I look at my phone….
I got there at 8. It is now 8:30.
…
..
.
What would YOU think?
I thought I was being stood up. I also considered perhaps I was being punished for being late? I mean does it take 30 minutes to do whatever the fuck she was doing?
8:40 I text, because I am always weary of sending “too many texts” before I meet someone, since there is some unwritten etiquette about that, that I really just don’t get.
My phone rings. “Where are you?”
“At the statue… like we said… where are you?”
“I am there, I don’t see you. “
I spot her: “Neon orange dress with polka dots?” (not gonna touch this one)
I wave, she sees me, we hang up.
I ask her, “so uhmmm did you wait 30 minutes to get me back for being late? hehe” (in my sarcastic tone, YAY BEING IN PERSON AND TALKING, no one can misunderstand me now!)
She looks at me and this is where I realize things are about to go REALLY BADLY, he mouth is moving, but her eyes and face are making no facial expressions. NOTHING, no movement, just stuck, like they just finished collagen injections.
**Eyes to Tristan’s Brain… FUCK**
She says, “Oh I was talking with friends I used to work with in there.” No expression, no apology, no nothing.
I am still staring at her like an alien waiting for ANY expression, burning her skin with my eyes popping out of my skull trying to see any indicator if she is actually a person. I am probably pushing my head forward too.
So I say, “Good call on the statue, at least it was cool here. I almost feel stupid to leave it in this weather…”
wait for a response of any sort… nothing… dead pan face, diverting eyes, making me feel like some sort of disfigured being.
“Ok, well I know a really good frozen yogurt place right here I figured we could grab some and then head over to (I forget the name of Lincoln center, so I tell her) the place where they have the ballet, oh what’s the name of that place again..?”
nothing. long pause as she begins to walk. Me wondering where the fuck she is going.
Her, “let’s go into the park and sit on a rock.”
**Ears to Tristan’s Brain… “let’s go get mugged in central park at night with Minny Mouse and myself as the aryan race white kid” FUCK**
Her, “Frozen yogurt is too fattening.” “I am on a diet, I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should since my ex fiance and I separated.” “I am doing yoga now” “Frozen yogurt has too much sugar”. (You had to hear it, see her, and understand that Frozen Yogurt on the hottest day in the entire YEAR was NOT going to ruin ANY “diet” she was on.) ALL DEAD FACE, EYES JUTTING EVERYWHERE, NO EXPRESSION.
“So that didn’t take long, not even 30 seconds in and we are talking about your ex fiance eh? I was gonna avoid that topic so not to get ya on it”
Nothing…
“How many times have you been engaged?”
Oh and by the way we are now walking into the park, down a hill. And she says REALLY LOUD, “You lied on your profile”. And I am now just not even sure what is happening, I feel like I am being attacked by a pug dog with no teeth and made of marshmallows. The constant barrage of “WTF” moments coming out of an expressionless entity next to me, me just thinking the whole time, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me and why do I do dating sites, people are on it who are obviously broken and not there because they think it is convenient. My brain is literally chanting it like a mantra at this point because I want to go home. “You lied about your height, you ARE NOT 5’10!”
Now, normally I wouldn’t get upset if someone said I wasn’t the height the DOCTORS SAY I AM. But she literally was yelling at me, in a way where she obviously thought very highly of herself for cracking someone online dating site code of “guys who lie about their height”. Which btw apparently IS A THING!!! lol.
So I am now just looking at her saying, “are you serious?”
“You lied, you are not 5’10”
I assess the situation, look at her height compared to mine, see she is eye level with me, so I assume she is also 5’10, I say, “How tall are you?”
She says “5’7 and I am taller than you.”
Now I am just dumbfounded. Unless I am shrinking, I am not under 5’7. I look down at the street, and notice I am on the decline of an uneven road. I walk around her, say, “How about now? Still lying?”
She does the no expression darting eyes to every corner of the globe thing, and I think she mumbles “lying” “every guy lies about it on there” or some shit.
Now I am pissed, and offer to take a break from our lovely walk into shady central, to perhaps go get a measuring tape. I mean how else do you argue against it?
I try to change subjects as she brushes her hand against me by accident, I say, “Wanna hold hands already!?” To which she says,
“Oh that is just my ring” to which I look at and see a giant monstrosity on her finger. “I have been engaged so many times I need something there to keep my mind off of all the relationships.”
SO SHE PUTS A GIANT PAPERWEIGHT THERE TO CLEAR HER MIND OF IT…………………………… I don’t say it a lot or ever for that matter but FML.
Now we are back at my original question before I almost got thrown off the ride for not being the “right height”.
“How many Fiances have you had?”
“3”
I am like, you already had 3?
She says she had 1 at 17, 1 at 18 and another that lasted 8 years that just ended six months ago. She tells me that she grew up in the south, and that is the way things are, but she no longer believes in it.
We change subjects and we get on the subject of bad OkCupid dates, and me saying most people use it as a hookup or to mask having an STD. To which she asks me to tell her a story of one, so I do.
I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say a girl one time, waited till the very last second, of something that should NOT BE held off until the last second one time to tell me she had herpes. Which BTW, I prefaced with “Tested, Clean, Don’t have an STD”. And the minute I said the word herpes, this girl about faced, and started walking in high gear BACK UP THE FUCKING HILL.. no joke.. mumbling “No thanks” “You can catch it by talking to someone, kissing, touching….” and some other indiscernible jumbled freak out. So I catch up with her after not understanding what the HELL just happened.
I tell her, “This happened like 3 years ago, I do not have herpes, I get tested on a regular basis, and I do NOT sleep around.”
To which she says, “Oh you are one of those people!?”
To which I don’t even know what the fuck to say, one of what people? RESPONSIBLE!?!?
She continues her speed walk up the hill, to which I say, “So are you completely serious right now? Are you walking away? Is this over?”
“You sent me 4 emails before we even met!” EYES DARTING ALL OVER THE FUCKING GLOBE AGAIN, FACE DEADPAN AS ALWAYS!
So now I am starting to put the pieces together. She was freaking out about this before we even met.
So I say, “And?”
“That just seems excessive no?”
To which I say some diatribe about social norms and emails not meaning marriage or anything other than me talking and sharing and ultimately leading to us finally meeting.
I actually was getting pretty angry now, and dug into her with something or another, basically saying how she was being fucking ridiculous and if she didn’t tell me what the fuck was up I was going to walk, and she could continue power walking away. Something about how I should be the one walking away with the crazy she was giving off.
Eventually she turned around, and we began to walk to the rocks again.. Why I didn’t walk right then is beyond me, I guess I was intrigued by this now, and wanted more story to tell? As we are walking on the “height altering hill AGAIN” she said:
“I used to talk to my ex fiance 1-3 times a day, and we emailed, and talked on the phone, and.. and… ya know what he said at the end of the relationship?”
“He said, he had no idea who I was. That just goes to show there is a WHOLE lot of me to get to know. I am not an easy book to read, and am very complex.” **Dead Pan face as usual**
Lifting my jaw off the floor, unsure how to answer anyone who says they are in a relationship for 8 years and brags about their OWN FIANCE not knowing them after the entire 8 years… their fiance who probably pissed says a generic line such as “I don’t even know who you are” and it is taken as being complex, not even being taken into account. At this point I realize this “complex person” has pretty much just showed me all their cards in about 10 minutes of knowing them, and they think they are so complex… if crazy, closed off, and not in tune with their own emotions is complex, than MAN they had it to a science!
She even said at some point that night, that she was so in touch with her emotions and opening emotionally to people that she often takes things so personally that she has trouble getting over it, and it hinders her from talking and expressing her feelings. To which I thought… isn’t that the opposite of opening yourself up and being ready or good and bad? I mean me personally I open myself up like a book to good and bad in order to get to the truth faster, and am lucky to have a very strong ability to rebound back from the bad shit that hits. But she is telling me she is so in tune with her emotions that if her and her ex fiance fought, they would often close off to one another, because they were so emotionally distressed from it… So because at this point I just need more punishment, I ask why it ended, to which I am told he had anger issues. To which I probe more, and find out that means punching walls next to her head. Which is no joke. But it kinda makes more sense now. This girl has no idea what her emotions are, her face showing it perfectly. FUCKING SMILE PLEASE!!!
And she was in an abusive relationship, to which she assumes she was hurting the guy for staying in it even when she was no longer happy. Dude was throwing punches, I think he can deal.
This was classic “beaten wife syndrome” for lack of a better term. And it was fucking scary.
I am not even quite sure how to explain the end of it, we sat on rocks for 45 mintues before she said, “I have to meet my friend, the one who has herpes”. (remember the disease which she thought she would catch from me because I had known someone with it?) To which I am like… Oh so it is not actually a date then… And since at that point I had been talkin to myself most of the time just to not have to listen to her anymore, when she said “but I don’t have to go right away, I am actually enjoying our conversation”(Apparently she warmed up to me?) I was like oh nooooo we should start walking.. Left her saying something along the lines of “well you can email me since we know how you feel about that” lol. Walked away and danced a bit to be free. Stopped back home after a fiasco with broken down buses, grabbed an amazing gelato or twenty. And just savored every spoonful, feeling spite for her “diet” each delicious spoonful.
And thus concludes my 45 minute OKCupid “date”….
P.S. I made her laugh ONCE the whole night, with some deadpan, perfectly timed joke, that was really morbid. Go me. lol
P.P.S. My Profile now has a HUGE disclaimer:
Dead serious: If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I spent a lot of my summers growing up in Zurich where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point. And for the last 10% if you are here because you are socially inept, use this for any other reason other than convenience, including just wanting to date multiple people and fuck them, I am not the person you want to go on a date with, I am loud, boisterous, and love conversation.
I am not Suave, I know the games but won’t play them, I talk too much, I call too soon, I txt the day of, I write more than a sentence when I say hello, I respond to txts almost immediately after getting them, I pick up phone calls even if I am on the other line to tell you, I judge on appearance but if you cannot back it up with wit and intelligence I won’t waste my time, I put up photos of myself that look vain(I have 100000 more on Facebook), I will ask for your Facebook before we meet(mostly because people are full of shit when they pick their photos for here), I take my photos head on so you can see what I look like not what I want to look like, I am way more personable in person, I am sarcastic but it comes across as being an ass over txts if you never spoke to me, I probably crack to many jokes at other peoples expense, I love life and you should too, I am a hopeful romantic, I love to share, I have a lot to share, it doesn’t mean it is everything I have to share, I have no filter, I say the wrong things, I say the right things, I am kind, I am an ass, I am very aware of my own self perception, I don’t think a profile on here should be what we wish we were, I hate when people are overweight and leave body type blank or write athletic(as if we can’t tell?), I am a photographer(for one of my many passions) so I know the angles of photographs to make you look better, if I am having a good day I will want to talk to you, if I am having a shitty day I will want to vent to you, it takes everything in my power not to put up a picture with my shirt off as a profile pic because I work hard for my body and want to share, I love to be proven wrong, I USE WAY TOO MANY EMOTICONS, I’m obsessed with leggings, I think workout clothes are sexier than lingerie, I am extremely positive about life good or bad, and I don’t mind run on sentences.
If that sounds good. Then ask me the rest. And stop sending me messages telling me how “people aren’t who they seem, and I had a bad relationship, or I am guarded yadda yadda, then don’t date. If you are not ready to get hurt, then you aren’t ready to date in any serious form. Put up a craigslist ad and get laid. Finding the right person takes some effort and to be honest I refuse to waste time on emotionally unavailable people.
Oh and I really do appreciate it when people are crazy from the start. It saves me the surprise later down the road.
Meet Tristan Pope, a passionate Emmy award winning Artist and ardent romantic. As the host of the podcast ‘Lost in Txtlation,’ Tristan delves into the complexities of love beyond mere words. Through open, stream-of-consciousness discussions, he explores online dating trends, relationships, compromise, and self-discovery. Each episode offers insights into the intricate puzzle of love, sparking conversations that guide listeners through toxic relationships, inspire self-appreciation, and create a sense of companionship on their journey.
Whether you seek relationship guidance or crave open conversations on love, ‘Lost in Txtlation’ invites you to explore the diverse facets of dating and relationships. Think of it as a choose-your-own-adventure through Tristan’s unabated, stream-of-consciousness journal. Feel free to skip around or ask questions through the Q/A section. Tristan’s writing is an open discussion, embracing different perspectives and colors of the grass. Join the conversation and share your thoughts with Tristan, as he listens and engages with the ever-evolving narrative of love.
A journal entry to himself with the intent of others reading it. Feel free to get lost eating each of the breadcrumbs he left behind for his depreciating mind.
this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I spent a lot of my summers growing up in Zurich where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point. And for the last 10% if you are here because you are socially inept, use this for any other reason other than convenience, including just wanting to date multiple people and fuck them, I am not the person you want to go on a date with, I am loud, boisterous, and love conversation.
