Some people are angry, some are sad…
Some people are stagnant, and some are bad…
But there are those people
here and there,
that spread their smile and cheer in the air.
No worries of income or status to gloat
No need for 72 virgins or a private boat
The truth my friends is honest and clear…
To spend our time loving and spreading out cheer.
Our days may not always be filled with glee
sometimes having to wait in line to pee…
But that is the magic of life which abounds,
The ability to just be and share that small insight…
To our minds, our souls,
Sharing a small bit of our inner light.
We are all individuals to what makes us whole.
But at the end of the day we are humans one and all.
So this holiday season, forget the fat man in the chimney..
And share your day be it good or bad,
For those moments of interaction with people around,
are the moments we remember before we are put in the ground.

😛

Life is being a bitch right now. It is teasing me with wit. It is allowing me a silver tongue. But it is hindering my physical being from feeling the reward or gains from such skills.

The seasons change, the fall scents burn in glass next to me, the wind blows through my railroad apartment, room to room, allowing it to stay fresh. The crisp voices of celtic instruments pearce the crisp air. But I sit stagnant, in mind.

The irony of a stagnant mind, with wit in spurts like that of a man’s orgasm, extremely exciting but often short lived and tiring afterwards. Alas, these feelings have given me back my “brain to finger” ability to spew my stream of consciousness again. Why can’t my writing do what it does for others. Why can’t it answer me, make me clear? It is only a reflection for me in years to come. I cannot send an email of links, I cannot read a diatribe of moments, I can only spew my own day, unable to understand it tomorrow. Do you have to feel stuck or lost to truly write? Can you only truly express if you see a world that perhaps is a little too clear, but you are stuck in the fog? I can see you, I can feel you, but I don’t think I can allow myself to feel and see me. Or maybe I just see, but the feels, oh those feels, they fuck me, and they fuck me hard.

I am a physical person who needs sunlight to look at creases in lips and curvatures of eyes to what’s being said. The problem is, I see those happy moments, and I, being impatient, do not know how to properly step to the next day. I pace and grow restless. I want that want on both ends, but enough of a chase where you don’t overstay the kind gesture to watch the puppydog love on weekends. I want there to be a yearn, but a yearn to learn more, not love more. I have enough love for those who I will give it to eventually. I am in no rush to love, I am however in a fast sprint to finding out how to give it, without feeling cheated. I want there to be an inquisition for knowledge.

I did realize some interesting shit yesterday about where I am at. I am a layered mother fucker and I honestly don’t know what layer is going to show when at the moment. I could be romantic, or introverted, outgoing, or horny. It’s weird too because usually I control my personality more but it seems life is at one of those autumn like changes again and I don’t actually know which onion peel is gonna fuck with me on a given day. I do know however by chance run into those who seem open to that and I think that momentarily freaks me out. I think anyone who can see me even if it was just that days me freaks me out. It is what I with all my body, absolutely will dive head over heals to finally get, but whenever I see it in the slightest it feels like a knife to the anxiety, subconscious, self conscious gut. Not all the time but at first. It takes away control. Which while not consciously wanting it all, subconsciously letting go is a vulnerable sense. I know when the first kiss is right, when the timing is proper, but right now my logic and action are two different beings. They literally are far enough away to have a proper duel. Even then, I find people who are OK with that as well. So what does it do? Makes me, already floating in space only attached to George Clooney’s shitty performance, feel very alone, even though all other signs point to a hand to hold other than his untethered one.

I on the same note realize not everyone likes the open first date. They prefer fast and quick. A dinner is often too much. And a drink is often too selfish. I don’t blame them. I can see the benefits of both. But this autumn day allowed for the perfect cinematic backdrop. Yet still, brain, you wanted more? You still want more? What the hell else do you want? A goddamn notarized letter of acceptance? Wasn’t the smile after a kiss enough? Wasn’t the perk up in the corner of her eyes enough when you met her in a glance?

Autumn changes and so do I. Call it a midlife crisis or a month of fucked momentum,. Oddly, I am extremely clear on my my passions, my drive, and I know my love. Eventually when I make those combine as I did once before, the clouds of fog will hopefully clear a bit. I do feel as though I may need a bit of assistance here now at this moment. I do feel as though I am more needy than I normally am, or maybe the feeling of need is compounded by my own need for myself. The need to hear a compliment about my passions and know you I can make it work versus being dumbfounded by the idea that it means very little than a boasted ego. This isn’t above love, this is about passion, ambition, drive, callings. I have accomplished many missions, yet I still yearn to explore past the universe’s edges. To that of compliments over calamity, I found a great comfort and effort given to me, I had not seen in a long time.

It will become clear eventually. Today, tomorrow, a year. I don’t care really as long as I don’t waste each day in a falsity of who I am today. So please forgive me for breaking the three text limit rule, please forgive me for not having my shit 100% together, forgive me for having multiple personality disorder on any given day at the moment. Because I promise, if in time, what it is, grows.. well eventually I will know the answer to the rubix cube in my brain, I will get the colors lined up. It will look like a Jackson Pollock. But it will make sense to me and because we will understand regardless of good bad ugly it will be beautiful to both. And that is where I will give love. Not today, not tomorrow, but in time. Time filled with that search for a soul, mine, yours, those around, and the ones past.

But like I say and say again, I know nothing of you, I am not the puppy attached to your hip, I am only an impatient boy, yelling, Mom.. mommy. momma.. Mom! Just to get the residual approval of a “Hello”.

An analysis of everything yet nothing at all.

 Whether I am ranting about The “Gay"mer, or culture, or gaming-isms… it all comes down to the same shit. Be respectful. The reality is we can only change that within ourselves. But that is a good step. 

And maybe when you want to be surrounded by self respecting/outward respecting people, then the changes happen, because those who don’t become the minority.

The attention craving, racism spewing, ignorant others, have to finally look in the mirror, one which the gaming culture is often happy to throw a sheet over for them in order to keep the group alive until the boss is dead.

There is a very interesting trend I have noticed with movies lately. The movies addressing why in our minds we may feel sad, depressed, happy, joyous, entitled, or just lost. They have started to address the idea that we medicate to preserve ourselves from ourselves. And they are putting it in the middle of a Romance, not to say they are romanticizing it but they are giving it a commonality that we can feel and touch. But they also point out that this is some of the first times in history that do not have the “impact” of a WWII where we have the time and acceptance from those around us to explore deeper. But with any self exploration comes ups and downs. I think the first example I can point out was in the movie “Beginners”. It started off with a more blatant approach:

In Beginners you get these summations of what the world was for his father through pictures of the time he lived in; 1950’s. From snapshots of the war or comparisons of doctors and families and the difference between the way they grew up and the way we did. You find out he is and was gay for his entire marriage and when his wife passes away he can finally explore it. What that impact had on his marriage and what impact it had on him. You learn what he had to lose if he openly said he was gay, “His family”, the black and white smiling pictures of kids and parents at a pool or at the beach. You also learn how the world of today allows him to finally explore his own self more than he was allowed to when he was growing.

Then they talk about our generation with the same pictures: “We didn’t go to this war, we didn’t have to hide to have gay sex, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for, and happiness I never saw with them. We didn’t know how we learned the stories in our heads, but sometimes they stopped running, and sometimes I could really see those in front of me. “

It is that one part that really hits home, the fact that our good fortune has allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for. There is a strong truth in this and often overlooked. We are a generation of great opportunity and freedoms that were not there for our parents or more importantly their parents(depending what age you are), but with that has introduced more sense of introspection and self exploration, which in turn leads to depression, doctors always pointing at our mothers or fathers or past as reasons for which we may be “fucked up”, and the advancement of drugs that can help to bandage these kinds of feelings. So you get the one movie, where it began, ironically enough called Beginners. The idea being people in their late mid thirties still not having a clue to how the world works or how they fit into it, just beginning.

The second movie I saw was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This movie is addressed directly at the youngest generations. Starring the younger generation of actors in a feature film dedicated to the idea of repressed memories, medication, exploration, bullying, and sexual orientation. It doesn’t use subtle metaphors or subliminal messaging, it comes right out with a blatant toast to the main character Charlie who has no friends, “A Toast to our new friend Charlie.”
Charlie asks, “What did I do”
He is responded to with, “Nothing, you see things, and you understand, you’re a wallflower. *pause* What is it what’s wrong?”
Charlie says, “I didn’t think anyone noticed me.”
Responded by, “We didn’t think there was anyone cool left to meet. To Charlie!”
Emma Watson knees down and say, “Welcome to the island of misfit toys.”

They use drug use, alcohol, sex, fights, and highschool as huge catalysts for what is a very well done story of what it felt like to be in highschool. I personally could relate ridiculously well in terms of the “feeling” of highschool.

The feeling of highschool. Those moments in time. Those frozen periods of time. Something only accessible when we were young. We were told so many times to that we would soul search to find ourselves but as we aged the ability to do so diminished in a way that maybe we had already been ourselves, found ourselves, been free with ourselves. Or maybe the way we could cope with life back then diminished, changed, dispersed over time not allowing our brains enough free space to explore like we could when kids because now we defended. The carefree mindspace filled making our souls more inaccessible than ever, but because we grew up being told we would have to “find ourselves” we were given a vest of dynamite as little children and don’t know any other way of getting the door open than blowing ourselves up in the process. These roadblocks put up by experience and life. Easily hurdled by youth, and easier to trip on by age. And metaphors aside… I will now tangent some more…

The lights of the monitors all around us probably have something to do with it. The idea that even if we aren’t connected that dim flicker of a screen versus the frozen moment in time we can put into poetry or story of our childhood. Or maybe it is the fact that the screens don’t flicker anymore, they are bright lights if all put together could be seen from outer space. Those lost feelings of just being happy and free driving windows down music up cigarette lit.

The movie is almost a glorified version of the reality we live in today. The need to explore our minds more than our fathers. The consequences we suffer when we do not. The repercussions a repressed memory or hatred, or sense of being bullied or bullying may effect us as we strive for answers. The not so easy and often extremely painful journey for, but shortened in the film, release you may get by paying attention to the shift in socially inaccessible PTSD or the repressed memory. “We didn’t go to this war, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for…”
Same story different generation this time. The younger generation, the self medicated generation, the 1% generation(let me go on record saying I hate the 99% vs the 1% shit and occupy wall street is a whole other can of worms I don’t wanna open right now, but I will say I think half of it was bs).

Sure as we see in the Rants section of alttabme.com, the hot button topics often get the bigger topics sidelined or overlooked these days, especially when it comes to politics or the people as a bigger entity, a greater whole, but even though that may be true for the purposes of the movie and a general shift in our societies “forefront thoughts” they fit perfectly for the presentation this movie had to offer. Then you get to the movie I saw last night “Silver Linings Playbook”, to which the synopsis written on the back of this movie is quite misleading:“After a stint in a mental institution, former teacher Pat Solitano moves back in with his parents and tries to reconcile with his ex-wife. Things get more challenging when Pat meets Tiffany, a mysterious girl with problems of her own.”

Sounds like FUN! Robert De Niro, Bradley Cooper, the actors of my generation! This movie will be a blast!

Well it turns out this movie is variation of the movies above but this time catered toward my generation more. The 20-30 model. In order to make this work they focus more on forming a situation that causes that “repression” or undiagnosed mental hiccup to become the forefront. In a way it is forcing the issue as one would be exposed to the idea of sobriety at an AA meeting. For my generation the idea of “talking about your feelings” was just on the cusp of being acceptable but still held and holds a great stigma. Going on medication would frighten people and threaten relationships. It isn’t until my generation hit a certain age where we realized that our parents telling us we didn’t need therapy might have been bullshit. But because it was so ingrained in our heads as a bad thing we turned to one another for support. So you have the broken helping the broken.

This can often lead to some fragmented relationships that can only end in one person’s happiness and one person being content. Either one person gets something out of the relationship and makes steps towards exploration and the other realizes they need to step away to let them now learn who they are or you are stuck in a situation where you realize the “crazy” isn’t going away anytime soon and if your crazy isn’t at the level of crazy of the other or even if it is, can you both deal with it and progress forward. Not necessarily in a step by step direction but in a progression for your love, for your well being, and for your selfishness. The hardest part I think is recognizing it is OK to be selfish.

This movie did a spectacular way of showing that crazy being met by more crazy to help in a once again romanticized ending. While I may not agree with the way it “works out” I do agree with the fact that these movies are realizing something we, as a people, may not even be aware of. They are movies, they are entertainment, but they are truths bottled up into scripts, portrayed by society inflated personas. The Shakespearean Fool is how I would define me as a personality if ever asked to give the best description of myself. I can tell the truth more often than others because I can twist it into a jest. If you are laughing, as much of a reality check it may be, it is still a “joke”. You see the world, the one in the castle that is sheltered from the peasants and even more the world outside the walls. But as the Fool you live outside of those walls, you walk with the people, your day job is the only time you are “part” of grandeur.
They tug harder on the “therapist medicated” group in this movie. The stigma attached to them, the actual good it can do for those who need it, and the fear we have after we swallow the pill given to us that perhaps the person giving it to us is in no better place than us, it has been misdiagnosed, we will be judged, or it will make us less of the person we hope to be.

Something I myself have had to deal with as I got older. My coping mechanisms as I grew started to focus elsewhere. I too suffer repressed memories or none at all. I too have heard the “Let’s talk about your childhood too many times”. The best therapist I ever saw said to me, “So you have some childhood trauma? Well why don’t we talk about today.” I was never happier when I heard that. Because unbeknown to me I have very little to reference or give to the so called trauma or things that happened in my childhood other than other peoples memories and accounts. Did I repress it? Maybe. But is it also possible that because I was unaware of the negative aspect of it, I didn’t care enough to remember? I take Klonopin. I have heard it all, the naive approach of, “Doesn’t that make you weird?” I have answered it in every way I know how, “It doesn’t actually change me it just makes the panic attacks not happen, No it doesn’t make me tired”, but even I wonder if it truly does affect me a bit.

I LOVE that these movies are touching on this aspect of our social interaction with the world and ourselves. I love that they talk about medicating. I love that they talk about self medicating. I love that they just talk. Seeing it, hearing it, picturing myself in it, all of the things you do while watching a movie are exciting, because you/I live it every day.

I too suffer anxiety and social inadequacy. I grew up scared to form opinions as it might outcast me. Then becoming so independant to counter the extreme I experienced and disliked that I became extremely opinionated, because I found picking one thing was better than riding the middle. But in the end I am always waiting for someone to argue back and show you a different one. Being moldable with your opinions is something that isn’t understood by many. If you take a strong stance, perhaps you only have one view? Take my ArcheAge post recently. I took a very strong stance on the game, but if no one stands up to what others hype and overlook you end up with mediocrity. Will something come out of it? Will the developers take my ONE opinion into consideration… I don’t know, but I do know that an opinion is just an opinion until you actually give it some backing. This is why I have a very hard time dealing with those who choose one direction, say as an example, politically, but have no idea why. They reference a bible or a document from years ago, but they ignore the words coming out of those who have influence now and today. I do not claim to be well read, as I hardly do it, but I am observant enough to form an opinion on something just by interaction. That was my saving grace in highchool english. I read none of the books but listened to the class and the teacher in my half asleep stupor, allowing myself to put together, albeit fragmented, rebuttals or advocacy. Through more conversation I could then solidify that standing. That is what I do to this day. I found the most extreme example of this form of communication being taken as “attacks” or “invasive” when I lived in California. The East Coast mentality from NYC is that a debate, a conversation, a bias of opinion is normal conversation. If you don’t get heated, you don’t care. But out there if you didn’t keep it a level below 1 it was considered rude and almost condescending. All I want is for someone to stand up to what they believe in, because if you are like the 1% blowing your flutes and beating your drums, without reason and ideas to help repair something you picture to be broken, then how do you expect someone to listen to you when they do come down and say, “OK LAY IT ON ME”. We are all in this world doing our best and thankfully some of the world knows they don’t always have it right. Take for example this quote from Groupon’s CEO who was just fired:

And holy fuck did I just derail hardcore.

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety.. yeah… since I was little I yearned harder than anyone else for that love that just made sense to have next to you in every situation. The one that makes sitting on a couch kissing OK even if it is at a family gathering. The love that makes you inspired to write. I wonder sometimes if I am incapable of that love, if I need strife to write. But I know much of my writing has been inspired by love, sometimes good love, sometimes destructive, and sometimes lost.

So the fact that these movies are using Romance as a coating is brilliant.

The romance that is in our lives is a driving force regardless of if we choose to see it as we do our jobs, careers, income, “laid out life plans” or not, so coating these movies in an outer layer of romantic comedy/drama helps it to be digested. As ambitious or successful we are, these relationships will define who we wake up next to and who we stay awake at night talking to because they may just be better than our dreaming.

These movies treat relationships as less fragile. More of a filler until the right one is presented to us through happy mishap. Cheating being less of a faux pas and more of an exploration to finding out the truth. That I feel is more catered to the generation after mine, I think. Even the older relationships in movies are ending with the couples just not being happy, a bi-product of a lot of relationships committed to for the wrong reasons. One would think perhaps that would happen less after we have had more time to watch the Divorce boom of our generation. The common thread being the idea that expressing your feelings toward another and not making them express it toward you first, a twisted version of cat and mouse, will land you the kill. Even in these movies where they portray that as something they dislike, it is still how the boy gets the girl. Through naivety it looks as though they are doing it differently with their words wrapped around the idea that the games are bullshit, but through that disconnect they actually present themselves in the exact way they wouldn’t want to have to deal with.

But I applaud these movies and I think it is important to recognize that our society does have more time to reflect, and with that comes more questions. It causes us to try new approaches, it allows for some of us a reflection on how we have had to grow up dealing with it, or for those of us younger how they might have to deal with it if they don’t.

Mass media and films are not the gospel but they do appeal to a very broad audience to make a “blockbuster”. People are watching, people are listening, people are relating, and to me that is a damn good step in the right direction. Now if I could only figure myself out so I too could have a 3 minute montage where I figure out why my life drastically changed chemically at the age of 20 or someone could actually release a movie with the answer to what love actually is at the end instead of blowing the entire movie with an over the top dramatic ending in one direction or another, we would be all set haha. But in all honesty, I think the best endings are the ones that leave those choices up to you, because love is personal. Your mind is personal. The way society treats your medication(exposed), or love(undervalued), or anxiety(misunderstanding)… not so much, so it is nice to have those exposed moments in the meat of the production but the end having a little bit you can bring home and simmer on.

I almost put this on my dating profile, but know better. No one likes a Debbie downer, but I feel like it might just help haha.

“If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off 🙂 this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I grew up in Zurich when I was young, where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point.”

So me and my friend who has fought 4 different boughts with cancer through juicing and raw organic eating, has decided to concoct a 10 day diet for the both of us. The first 3 days will be juice only, day 4 and 5 will be juice and smoothies, 6 7 8 9 and 10 will be juice with a few raw meals.

Now I don’t mind drinking my food, but I also workout 5 days a week. I have timed this on my recovery week, so I don’t have to push as hard. But either way it should be extremely challenging.

Why am I doing it?

• I like a challenge.
• I want to see the effects of the quick weight loss that comes with the territory of this even if you have 90% chance of gaining it back after.
• I want to learn more about my body, preparing my foods, and how to make healthier things to eat.
• Cleanse the shit out regardless of arguments against it. Either way the intake will be cleaner than what I do so it will cleanse something 
• I already juice my morning and afternoon meals, so I feel like I can do it.

Challenges:

• I hate prep and cleaning. So the prep work and cleaning involved will be a serious challenge for me.( I mean look at the plastic cups in the background of the first picture… yeah, my life summed up lol)
• Energy, I NEED this for my workouts. They are nothing less than intense. So I will have to figure out with her help how to supplement when I need to.
• The Aftermath: I need to ween off the diet. You can’t just have a burger at the end.
• Gastro Intestinal issues: I have the stomach of a princess. I am sensitive to many things, so I am worried I will feel sick a lot with raw things such as onions. But we will see. All in or all out. And adjust on the fly.

I will mostly likely be updating here as it progresses as I doubt there will be anything else I am thinking about during the day. So here is my first entry and here is my first image:

My juices will go into these! 8 dollars at Target for 12 of them!
Wish me luck and stay tuned for more.
(I absolutely apologize as I progress through this if I read anything wrong and I come off abrasive, PLEASE tell me if I am at any point. It might happen. But you are all my friends so I trust you can deal with my crazy haha. God the podcasts should be interesting haha.)

Sundays Entry(The Shopping List):
6 Cucumbers
2x Carrots 5lb bags or 2 large bags
6Red peppers
6 Yellow peppers
6Green peppers
3 large bunches or 4 if small kale
3 large bunches or 2 big bags of spinach
8 Zucchini both green and yellow
4 bunches Celery
15 Greens apples
2bags Red grapes
5 Fennel
1 pineapples
3 large sweet potatoes
1 or 2 papayas
10 lemons
2 large roots of Ginger
Almond milk (unsweetened ) *raw would be great if they have
Cayenne pepper
2 things of Blueberries
8 Parsnips
3 bunches of Swiss chard
3 bunches Parsley
3 bunches of cilantro
1 Watermelon
1 bunches of basil
2 bunches of mint
10 oranges
10 grapefruits
8 limes
3 bunches of beets
12 plum tomatoes
2 bunches of bananas
That should last me until Thursday. Here are the images:

Let me say this, I am 100% overwhelmed, freaked out, and clenching my wallet. This is so out of my element, I literally was freaking out not knowing what went into the fridge or not. But I am excited at the same time. It looks wonderful but this shopping trip was 2 hours at 3 different stores. It is NOT easy by any means.

Day 1:

Morning Prep:

I ran into an issue this morning however, I am getting extreme boughts of nausea from the ginger carrot juice. I think my body has a hard time with such a fast intake of potent vitamins. Laid out on the floor nausea haha. Good times. I also think I psyched myself out a bit too. So I probably tossed some panic in there as well with my anxiety.

Soooooo anyway I am going to be diluting my next juice with water to feel out my body.

Everyone is different. It isn’t about winning or losing, it is about seeing what works with you and what makes it so you can follow through. Just breath and enjoy it. If something feels off, it is, and adjust.

An hour later 12:30 PM: I have shit 3 times already. This probably has to do with the fact that I ate my sisters raw shit last night and all clean, and then my body kinda wanted to expel what I drank this morning. So far I can say this is not soo pleasant ;P

2PM: Watered down my juice with a giant glass of water, took 20 minutes to drink it. No stomach ache or nausea. Weird feeling in throat, but that’s it.. PROGRESS!!

4 PM: Did I mention I am not putting on my nicotine patch? Hahaha add that to the mix for fun aloofness 😛
Man drinking stuff makes you fucking hungry. I swear I am not usually this hungry, but a drink every two hours makes your stomach feel empty as can be while also feeling bloated… hard to describe.

I am about to partake in my 3rd juice of the day, yet… I am oddly not hungry at all, but the weird this is I am very hungry but NOT in the hunger pains kinda way.. very hard to explain… Also feel kinda bloaty full so weird lol. As well it really makes you WANT real food. Which is really funny considering I am not even hungry for real food like this any other time. Oh juice you strange beast. Here we go!

5PM: Finally finished the carrot juice. Blech I do NOT like the taste of carrots juiced. I prefer the green stuff actually oddly enough. Took me like 40 minutes to drink it lol. The pee breaks are occurring way more frequently now.

7PM: tried my best to force down another green juice. I don’t mind the taste but I am just NOT hungry. So I got through about 20 OZ and dumped the last 3 or 4. I just couldn’t stomach it anymore.

Another one at 8:30 9 as well. God damn so many juices! I can’t see anyone ever getting hungry on this.

8:45PM Forcing my last juice down my throat. Slowly.. ugggg EVERY FUCKING JUICE TASTES THE MOTHER FUCKING SAME. Fizzy bubbly sweet grossness. Ughhhh not happy.

I am literally at a point here where I don’t even want to taste this shit anymore lol so gross. They all taste the same. Like leafy fizzy foamy assholes. Why do people eat like this? A beautifully cooked Salmon with Mini baked potatoes or some scallops and a spring salad. Why is THAT not considered GOOD for us? Pffft I call shennanigans. I should just take a motherfucking laxative and colon cleanse, call it a day then eat some mother fucking real food that tastes good, looks good, and has nutritional value…. right after I polish off a bag of oreos of course.

———- DAY 2 ———

Ok so around 10pm last night I had a cup of Ginger Tea, it made me much happier.

Slept REALLY well. Woke up energized and before my alarm at 8 30 am which is crazy considering that is WAY earlier than my normal schedule.

Drank a lemon tea while prepping today with honey. Was lovely.

So finished my prep and juices for the day today a lot quicker. I am already low on some ingredients, such as apples and swiss chard. I will be replacing it with oranges/lemons and spinach.

I got REALLY hungry while prepping today.

I did NOT get nauseous with my first juice today!

I worked out without a problem. So that was cool. I mean I am a little weak, as in need more water breaks while doing the exercise, but overall I felt fine. Sweating is funny, cause you smell like juice 😛 Bye bye toxins!

No need to poo today… so I can only expect a surprise eventually lol.

Oh and forgot, maybe this is placebo effect, but my sweat acne on my forehead that I had from working out, is uhm.. gone and my skin feels different… I might be nuts…

I am a little freaked by how much produce I still have and watching some of it like the peppers get kinda weird looking. So hopefully with the raw food I will be transitioning into I won’t be wasting a lot. Mind you I had to make prep buying here so I wouldn’t need a car till Thursday. My Bananas are not happy.

5:30pmThere is always a wall, so I felt great and then I was like OK i am hungry and it is time for the 4th juice. Well let me tell you, this juice is always more than 16 oz by A TON. And fuck me man… I just can’t seem to get through this one without it taking more than an hour. It is tastey for the first 16 oz but after that my mouth body and stomach are like NO MORE PLEASE!!!! But hey if thats it not the end of the world.

10:30PM Hmm I feel ok but apparently I am much weaker than I feel, almost fell a few times today from just standing up or taking a step backward from being light headed and not knowing it.

I will say this, my ears, are kinda closing themselves a bit, weird right? But actually peaceful. Much more of a muted sound to the world.

———- DAY 3 ———

Day 3 Juices done like a pro! Prepped em, juiced em, Strained them, jarred em, cleaned everything, all in under 45 minutes BOOYAH! For reference first time I did it, it took me 2 and a half hours.

Feeling tired and a bit weak today. Also def getting abdominal pains need to poop soon. lol.

My skin is Definitely smoother. There is this moisturizing effect from juicing to your whole body. It is rad!

6:PM Swapped my last Juice and the one before it. SO MUCH BETTER that way.

I have learned a lot about Knowing my own limits here. If it doesn’t work for you, adjust it. Super important, and super hard for me who likes a regiment that everyone can do and has done before.

Well tomorrow I start going to some solids again but it looks like I have been tricked into a much longer than 10 day lifestyle change here. We will see how the raw plays out, but with the recipes and juices and smoothies I now have at my disposal, I can make some really amazing food. The idea here is to transform my veggie intake to 90% and meat to 10%.

We will see if that works out. All I know though is it is fun so far, challenging and rough at times, but in a good way. I am not sure how I would maintain this with a full time job, the prep is nuts and on top of that I workout.

Anyway we will see how this works out in the long term for now I am still on my 10 day course and doing well 

I have heard a lot of talk about a 20 day juice cleanse to reset your palette yadda yadda, and while the idea appeals to me, I am not really doing this to reset anything, I am doing this as a challenge to myself, as a small detox from whatever, and as a long term learning to sustain myself on more than packaged foods or deli meats. I mean come on a guy who cooks is damn sexy, a guy who cooks/prepares raw wins all the ladies 

———– Day 5 ————-

I guess I need an update eh?

Yesterday I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 8am but could have slept more.

So starting to mix solids into the diet now. Believe it or not I am not WAY more hungry. The juice fills ya up and keeps ya from the hunger pangs. All my food is raw.

I.E. Breakfast part 1:

Overall, I am enjoying this.

I have lost 4 lbs. from 164.6lbs to 160.6lbs

For those who wanted Body fat % I went from 14.4 to 13.8 % and a BMI of 23.2 to 23.1 so nothing that is even noteworthy. I also have been working out every day.

It gets much easier as time goes on. One thing I will say, time seems to go slower AND faster when you juice. I dunno how to explain it but the minutes tick by much slower when working out but when waiting for the next meal fly by.

I thought my sense of smell was better after quitting smoking, fuck I didn’t know anything, I can now smell the bleach in my shirts when I workout. I can smell EVERYTHING.

“You get me”

“You really listen”

“Wow you really figured me out quick”‘

This is what many people have said that I have had a relationship with. I think something I have always done well is listen. But not in the conventional way I suppose. I mean, until recently when I realized why love was not enough, another podcast of mine, I could hardly accept empathy let alone give it myself. I was never the one in class who read the chapters prepared for that day, I just listened to the conversations in class and the chapters wrote themselves.

I’ve analyzed my own life and situations so much that I write and think in a stream of consciousness that often leaves me stuck with disappointment at the responses to my spew(although I love me some small talk). I think to myself, well yes of course it can be “X Y or Z” I already thought of those prior to spewing, but what do you think about it beyond the generic alphabet? Even though they say to me, “I feel heard” there is that disconnect where I go, but do you hear me, do you see me, do you know me beyond the words? Because I want to hear and understand your thoughts beyond the words, the thought I just saw behind your eyes as you had your own truth, but suppressed it for the acceptable answer.

The thing is, I had trauma in my childhood. So when I got home everyday my brain was already tuned to listen and observe intensely to gauge the current status of how everyone was feeling that day. Now, as an adult where that trauma is removed from the equation, my brain doesn’t stop looking deeply at micro expressions and trying to read the room. This is a biproduct of childhood trauma regardless of the work and self healing I have put into it. So when I look at someone, I see a lot more than perhaps a normal glance. I do not claim to be able to “read people”, I just pay attention to many factors, body language, inflections, eye movement, micro expressions, all in the blink of an eye, subconsciously. Believe me, though, I am going to be wrong in my analysis at times, and I definitely will not say everything right, nor “read you” correctly every time, sometimes even projecting  my own insecurities and thoughts into the situation. This is why it is so important for someone to tell me what is on their mind as a kindness not a chore, which I speak about more in the podcast: Give My Brain a Breather.

I listen to people through their eyes, their inflections, the curvature of the outer portions of their lips. Often we say things one way, but for whatever defensive/self conscious reason, they mean something completely different. I have been burned by words so many times, that I adapted to read way past the words and into the subconscious.  No I am not a mind reader and again I do not get it right all the time. Sometimes I think too far beyond the surface and often what I am getting is actually just surface. I suppose the most interesting and engaging moments of interaction with others is when the surface leads to the actuality.

I am also inquisitive by nature, so it is only natural for me to look for the “meaning”.

This is what separates the friendships from the relationships for me. When people can give me the surface as is and then I can put my running mind at ease knowing they have already gone over the internal. When those two mix it is like a perfectly plated meal of flavors, textures, and presentation to me. But when the surface is used to hide reality, it’s when there is going to be a failure down the line. More importantly is being able to see when the surface is just that, then comparing to your needs, wants, likes, dislikes, and knowing when to call it quits or when to pursue further.

I guess that is why I dislike the games you can play in a relationship and I have so much to share so quickly. That is my defense to weed out those who play them. The more I share, the faster I can determine if the person on the other end will be overwhelmed or isn’t as committed to the idea of what we are doing. I am not one to sit through a long book without analyzing line by line for the purpose of absorbing those lines, notating, highlighting, and memorizing the things that I think resonate. I very rarely get to the end without wanting to talk about every page and chapter. In school I would get my “reading” done by listening to the teacher. Reading into their voice, their tone, and figuring out the outcome they were holding back. I was able to form opinions and debate them firmly. I valued picking one side of the fence, placing a home, digging the foundation for a pool, planning out where the plots for me and my family would rest after this life. But knowing damn straight, the government might come and build a rail through the middle. Understanding that even though I dug in deep that there is always another perspective that could change it all.

And that perspective gives me the strength to break down the fence.

The California vs New York approach has always been a good example of this. “What would you like for dinner?” I would say. And in response, “STOP YELLING AT ME”. But where I was raised the simple question usually had a strong opinionated response. I value a good debate, because to me it is “conversation”.

I like when people know what they want and are open to wanting more.

I don’t want to constantly place down new roots, but I understand the value in it when there is a good reason. Moving around a lot with divorced parents has made me value “home” more than I probably should, and often locks me to the sense of comfort in places that might not actually be comfortable for my mind.

So I put a lot of weight in those moments where I can sit and “listen”. A picture on Facebook tells very little, but an album tells a lot. You can understand personality, things people are self conscious about, self awareness, self perception, family relationships, how people spend their time, compatability. So much that is can freak people out if you point it out. But it is just me listening. People want to be mysterious and special, but we are all the same pile of crap. We just mask it in different ways.

What I love is when, no matter what your shit smells like, you are yourself, but more than being yourself, when YOU and ME have commonalities that make communication fluent.  It is hard to be the person who “listens” because it often comes with the stigma of “you read too much into things” or you end up disappointed by what you hear(see). I will say that it is something I value very much though, because I know when I do find that someone who can put in the same amount of “instant analysis” of multiple scenarios in one sentence, that there is going to be a lot to talk about and those talks will have a lot of life for both of us.

Conversation and communication is hard as it is, and having the ability to connect in a way that puts your eyes and words in line is magically and shouldn’t be underrated.

I have always said, I prefer to be alone and lonely, then together and frustrated. It isn’t fair to anyone, especially yourself. It locks two people, who have limited time here on this earth, into a purgatory of sorts.

I love to share my stream of consciousness with others because while I may not be saying the most original things, I can often show people they are not alone, they can be happy, and they deserve to put a lot more effort into themselves.

A Job, Money, Love. There needs to be a better balance in the 3 things we are told are what we want in life and grow up yearning for. And we need to understand that a relationship, that isn’t going to work, can be a beautiful friendship, if we just open our eyes and “listen” before it twists our eyes to only see the shit we dragged one another through to finally understand one another. The interactions we have are the true meaning of life. The jobs and the money only allow for us to have more.

A raw dinner, which was DELICIOUS.

Talking with people who understand the European American divide in cultural “intimacy”. 

It was wonderful. I wish I could share the ways we have closed ourselves off to the simplest of interactions to a point where it is obvious and predictable. So where you think you are following some unspoken rule of “how to be” you are actually just showing those in-front of you, you can follow. It is transparent. It isn’t someone “getting you” or understanding you so well. It is just having an open mind, ear, and heart. 

I wish I could help people stop wasting time, and then in turn my time. (oh just one of the convos from tonight, without any TV, music, or entertainment other than the words of one another. And it was wonderful.)

TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AG^AAAAAAAIN

Brilliant end to The Office. It reminds me why I wish so much that our jobs didn’t have to BE the paper company in order to have such happiness in meeting new people, sharing experiences, etc. Why can’t we transcend to a society that cherishes the human interaction, relationship, more. We should retire at 21, see the world travel, and then at 50 or 60 begin our jobs when it makes more sense to sit down.

Today is not a good day. I feel very lost. I didn’t realize, but I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. Everyone is very pre-occupied with work, goals, life, and in my opinion often occupied beyond reason or rationalization for being busy. Busy for the sake of busy. And I don’t fault anyone for it, but I do realize that I have a lot of things on my mind that I just haven’t been able to express and when I finally talked for about 1 minute to a friend about the surface of it, I almost started crying. Some people may even think they have the mind-space to talk to you, but in reality they don’t and if you dump it out, they will postpone their own lives, so consciously I say nothing to not get in the way.

Off the top of my head I am scared shitless for my future. I am scared of age, dying, not being happy, you name it. I have no job, I am not working out, I am smoking, I feel like shit, I feel cloudy, I wake up and go to sleep at bad hours. And I don’t have the motivation or feel it to fix it. I grasp onto any work prospects and give it my all, but get scared when I don’t really know if it will help me get to the next bill or burn out from lack of return for work put in. And while I do have a savings to keep me afloat for a bit longer, I don’t see any answers as to “what the fuck I want to do with my life”. 

I have survived on my own for quite a bit now and the idea of “If anyone can do it, Tristan can.” has been following me around(the complete opposite of when I was a kid and everyone thought I was gonna end up in a gutter), spilling out of the mouths of most if not all the people around me. While I find it to sound nice coming from peoples mouths and semi ego boosting, I mostly find it extremely scary, because I feel that because I am good at making shit work or making work appear out of the air, that this sentiment leaves me on a very small island alone. I get a sense of resentment for my prior or future ability to pull in 3 months of pay on one job(that one job that comes maybe once a year) I feel like I am not on the minds of those people because they assume it will be OK. I am not saying I need people to worry, but I do need people I can speak to. Lately it seems the family is broken into bits and pieces of selfishness. The broken aspects are causing drama that seem to put the kids into a “parental” position and that is just weird. Everyone is secluding themselves, myself included. But then when you do reach out you get hit with the pent up subconscious aggression towards others making you not want to reach out again. 

My motivation to get anything done right now is lacking. And the things I am passionate about are hard to follow because I can’t afford the luxuries of following them. 

All in all I know I am in the right place in terms of decisions and what led me here, but I just feel like because of all the shit around me and lack of motivation on my end, I am very alone, scared, and on the verge of tears half the time. 

Depression… I am afraid to say that because then one assumes “broken” or “therapist”. I do want to explore WHY THE FUCK my body and mind decided to tear my life apart at the age of 22. Why I got anxiety, why I couldn’t just leave my house to go out without thinking of “will there be a toilet, how will I feel once I get there, do I have my klonopin in case I spike a panic attack”. I feel like if there has ever been a better time it is now to tackle this fucker and get my life back. But not for the “your childhood sucked” reasons that most say, but for the I don’t want to be an 89 year old man at 29.

And then there is that.. almost 30.. wtf. 

Anyway, there it is, my momentary thoughts of today that made it so my arms felt weak, my mind clouded, and my eyes filling with salty water.

excuse me but since when did music become this big competition about taste and stuff why can’t we just listen to what we want to if you like bieber go listen to him if you like led zeppelin go ahead listen to them if you like my chem go ahead listen to them fuck if you like sex sounds made by whales go ahead listen to it music is supposed to be fun

 "So the “normalality” of a first date ensued as we found ourselves face to face many many times awkwardly wanting to kiss but waiting for the faultless moment to perfect it. We ate a dinner in candle light, we drove to music, her hand on mine as I shifted through the night. We found ourselves watching a movie and the moment came, a button hit, movie paused, and the flood gates were released. One kiss turned into a thousand.“