KNOW THIS: I DO NOT POST BLOGS HERE AS A CRY FOR HELP. My writing is often very scattered and only understandable by me, whether it sound emo but really means fluffy bunies or it sounds happy but really I am sad. I post it here so the people close to me if they so choose can get an insight to what is going on in my life when it may not be possible otherwise, but then again I usuaully write in as much riddle and distortion as to therow the read off only allowing you to understand if you truly folow the point the subpoints and the medium points. I am an open person and don’t mind my life out there to a certain extent. However I am not posting emo blogs or thinking it is the end of the world, if I was in that mood I wouldn’t post here. These are just the random thoughts that go through my head as I walk or watch a movie etc etc. I appreciate comments, but I don’t need a pick me up. I need people if they are going to comment to just be straight and to the point of the topic at hand not my overall life, because unfortunately this is a blurb of time and space not an encompassing whole. So yeah, thats about it, hope that helps and doesn’t piss anyone off too badly.
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A line from scrubs titles this blurb of my life. Between episodes I go outside press down on flint, I see the light from the fire hit the paper, the crinkle of burning paper resounds in my head from every movie where there is a closeup of someone smoking a cigarette. I often stare at the sky and think about many things outside in the air. First I take a moment to see how the day is, the weather, the mood, the feeling, how it feels like back home. I used to reflect back to home much more, now I consider this my home, I stand alone in my new home sometimes and just stop. I think wow, I am paying my bills, I am being paid, I am living my life, hmm maybe I should get a dentist appointment, hmm I need a physical. Things that hold true to a person on their own. I am not alone though, I have a loving family and friends. I left a lot back home but I have a lot here. But I digress, so I stand outside tonight and I think… like I think a lot, I have so much of my life in order right now then I go outside and regardless of the war movies where they smoke cigarettes or the cinematic presence it has, I am killing myself. Each drag I take each pack I buy I am asking for those helping hands on my shoulders to let go faster and faster.
I have this overwhelming sense that so much of my life could have been much worse and things could have turned wrong fast, but there was some hand on my shoulder saving me from a very bad path. I know I put effort and work into the stuff I love and the things I have excelled at but there is also this vast feeling that yes there is something that has helped you, saved you many many times and each time you smoke the cigarette you spit in its face. I was told this week that I am better with being able to stand up for myself than others, yet I look at it and think, excuse me I don’t do this as naturally as you think. I bust my hump for what I believe in and maybe if you took a moment to come out of the bubble you surround yourself in you would realize you just need to spread your efforts to all areas of your life and others sometimes. Hmmm talk about add I just saw the words err letters hitting the screen as I typed without looking at the keyboard and thought, that looks really cool lol… anywayyyy.. I know I want to quit, I know I have to but here I am holding onto this crutch. I sometimes think in this new environment in this new place called California and growing older I reached out during my time here and decided I need to hold onto my past. I need a connection to NY, I need a connection to my life before the panic attacks, I need to hold onto my life when I could drink or do drugs. I wanted sometimes still want the ability to do as I wish without caring. There was no mental block of sitting in a chair rocking back and forth freaking out because I smoked some pot or me needing to leave a party because when I drink the room begins to close in around me. I want to be able to just have ONE drink nowadays without having to worry about being depressed the next day because it reacts badly with the lowest does of Klonopin the drug that made it all better when I had panic attacks every second of my life. The drug I hate but know too that it may not be so bad because maybe it still does help. As we speak I cut the dose again because I feel it is starting to have a negative effect because of the lack of actually having the panic attacks without control as much. So without those poisons in my mind the drug fights against nothing causing me to feel weird. I also think it has to do with the cigarettes. So I held onto old relationships, old foods, and thoughts when I got here and I grabbed onto cigarettes hard because it doesn’t have a negative reaction on me as the drinking or drugs do now that used to not. Although the smokes do fuck me up and make me tired and feel like shit by the end of the day it is still not as much as the others making me almost unable to move. And the sad part it is in my head. But after not doing it so long I have adjusted and I love the fact that I don’;t do them, but what about the fact that for the longest time I thought that if I smoked pot here and there it brought me to a normal level of hyper activeness. Although sometimes dumbing down too much. I can make it make sense to myself by remembering the best times I had were in college when I did non of these. I didn’t even smoke. I was in the best shape of my life, yet somehow it is the hardest thing for me to quit smoking because of my weight, and perhaps this old tie. I went back to NY just recently and met with an old friend and realized when she said “We met when he was high” as to why I was not having fun this time and her life and my life were sooo completely different now that I had to excuse myself early, circumstances aside. An old tie to my old life put into the light. I think it also didn’t help when her friend said, how fucked up are you, and she replied with omg sooo fucked up and he said well here take a drag of this I plan to get you retarded fucked up awesome, or something along those lines. It is not the same when you are not DOING the stuff around you and you see it for what it makes people. It was like a room of people needing me to say, yes your new life is amazing and you totally changed and got out of the rut we called highschool, but I sat there disagreeing with the words I spouted out. But then I feel bad for judging their lives cause what makes mine soo much better they chose theirs as did I with mine. So my current problem, I smoke, I want to quit, I don’t want to gain weight, I want to quit, I want to eat, it allows me to eat without consequence, but the consequence may be beyond my control no matter how hard I work on it after it is too late. So is this just the next step to becoming who I am, another obstacle, a hurdle of sorts. Will those invisible saving hands have my back after I inevitably quit? Why is it I hold to this old fixation but the old fixation to work out and better my body is soo hard to do. Is it because of the idea that I didn’t follow the acting path in a matter of speaking and in this giant struggle of my mind where I fight what I lead myself to believe I would do to what I am doing and realizing omg, I think I may have been going after the wrong goal due to preconceived notions of what it meant in my head. Did working out and the constant struggle to look my best and lose the weight for a show in a matter of hours have an effect on me, definitely I cannot even see myself in a mirror I keep a record of photos. I can’t actually believe how much I love where I ended up and how much the old plan seems to have made sense in the fact that I didn’t follow it and I apply it to my life now in different ways. It was like when I directed my first play rather than acting. I was never more happy, comfortable in my life. Comfort scares me, it makes me think I am not growing and am getting too used to life, but who says that isn’t what life is meant to be comfortable instead of struggling for some American dream. But don’t get me wrong this comfort I talk of is not like omg I am sailing(hehe funny I just said that you will see why) aimlessly and without worry or challenge now with what I do and will turn into a cooperate potato. I am happy now with the choice, but obviously I will always have a question in my head as would anyone I suppose. But there is no doubt I ended up in the right place for here and now. It is just about being able to sort out NOW by figuring out how to fit in PAST. I have been working on it and I have come to conclusions of what I do is what I love, but currently I struggle with this damn smoke in my hand. Like my bills, my life, my writing, I decide when it is taken care of, however the world never stops spinning while I work it out. It is an interesting concept. Scary, but exciting. I go sailing tomorrow. That should be cool , never been on a sailboat before.
The sun stares at me, glaring strong.
An enemy perhaps, but just surface. Need more sunblock. . .
The wind rushes past my ears, my hands, the feeling as it curves over my arms, through my hair.
The glisten can be felt with a swipe of the hand.
Running from the hairline to the bottom of the neck, finally reaching the cloth.
This is the new life, this is a connection to the old life.
I just walked down the boardwalk with breeze and smell of water now I, home, my new home, travel it again.
But what I do realize is that this sun, this air, these smells, they will not dissipate with time, they stay year round.
Perhaps it is better than trying to grasp onto old seasons or old memories only to recognize they have changed.
One of the many thoughts that has caused me to race my heart and life down this path.
By path I can only mean it literally, the bisection of Warner Ave.
So what do I do as the music plays and the wheels beneath me spin rapidly, speed never constant.
I think.
I reminisce.
I think about the first day, the first steps off the plane from my get away.
My eyes saw familiar, friends, people I missed.
Then as quickly as I saw them I was off for an adventure.
A child looks at me strange as I roll by, I let my head stay stationary ahead of me but my eyes glare deeply at him through my sunglasses. Never seen a rollerblader asshole?
Back in mind, mind in hand. . .
An adventure it was.
What should I make of it?
At first it was just the beginning of an awkward first encounter.
No one quite sure if the other will approve of the other, yet both not seeming to care.
As the woods become creepy the moments become less sleepy.
Full of energy, full of life.
For the longest time I have said I would write in riddle in my poetry and stories, but I think this part of this needs to be clear. I went out that day with the intention of getting to know someone I knew was in no way open to any such courting due to circumstances in her life. I went to have fun, I went to see what there is out there in this world, in California. She being from NY made the California more acceptable. I thought obviously that I was physically attracted to this girl, but I also knew if anything ever were to happen I would need to make sure she were someone I could stand, someone who could stand me, that we could deal with each other’s flaws and each others made up flaws of ourselves. It was actually funny, I fell in love(and by that meaning I mean it in the least forever basis known) with the physical attributes that were not the normal this time. I actually enjoyed looking at the small scar under her chin, I was aware of the over abundance of makeup, I smelled it, it reminded me of previous times. I saw flaws but for some reason in my head this day, flaws mattered very little. Perhaps it was the fact that her lips drew me in, and for me a kiss can make a relationship.
So now that we have had our 10 minute size up, the night began. After the chicken adventure and looking at the funny pictures, we ended up just talking. And I was not the only one talking I listened for a couple hours as she poured much of her soul to me. I chimed in here and there and held in much to just absorb. Some ideas I disagreed some I agreed. Some were timely to object some were for another night. But the entire time I sat there, my mind regardless of flaws, imperfections, differences, similarities(which by the way are a strange conundrum, I feel as though if someone were too much like me it would ruin a relationship but for once I got the opposite feeling, especially because the similarities were so different they were strong), I was completely calm, the idea of a panic attack or perhaps having to use the bathroom and awkwardly stepping away never came to mind.
There was one sentence that hung out in the air for me to be able to trace it over and over, “I don’t know when I will be able to be with a guy again I need to be strong myself, but maybe a week or two I’ll be ok but that can all change.â€
This did not hang because I yearned for it, but I wondered, with the massive amount of comfort, sharing, and connection we had at this level, imagine if there was a relationship to back it up. I know and I still know that if I push or if I spell it out too much, I will probably chase away something that could be really important in two lives, but just imagine. . . imagine the idea that both people know they care for each other, they are completely honest, they are committed to one another. With that out of the way when she told me things that meant soo much to her I could put an arm around her she could talk into my chest and I could run my hand through her hair. I felt that even looking up from my elbows on my knees into her eyes we were closer than physically shown.
Do I feel that perhaps after getting to know one another better we could go places, sure I do, but do I think there are problems caused by saying such things at this point, damn straight. I think that the fact that I showed that I had such a great night and how I really was into her I scared her away. I think she now has a pre conceived notion of what I want out of this.
In all honesty I would just want her as a friend right now, but do I think perhaps one day we may end up as a couple, I think it is highly possible. I never will admit the ability to see certain things and never want to, but for once I am going to say I have seen much further in the one night spent than I wanted to or ever have with anyone else before. And it felt good even though I felt many of the humps we would have to get over.
Does it make me strange to think so much in advance? Yeah maybe, but do I need to make this plan and hold to it? Absolutely not, this is just what has run through my mind. Everyone has an inner monologue, mine just created a beautiful story for once and hell if I wasn’t going to share. I called my best friend at work and just expressed the great time I had, and she said “She challenged you, and talked back?†and I said, “yes†simple. . ..
Perhaps my love of the European way of romance is my downfall. My want and need to get the truth on the table immediately. Maybe the fact that I come up with ideas even in a split second scares people, because they do not know that even if I came up with it, doesn’t mean it is my PLAN and it is NOT set in stone. Maybe I am too open? I like games, I like to yearn, but I also like to have that feeling that there is something to yearn for.
I made a pact a long time ago to stray away from cookie cutter molds and tests for girls to fit, I play it by ear, and I usually just look to have a fun night if anything at all.
So what can I say?
I don’t know, I am not in her head.
Am I not attractive to her? Possibly.
Regardless of the possibilities what is the thing that holds it back.
There are so many things feasible, for instance the recent breakup.
Is it strange that I think into the future that once the healing is done maybe I have a chance?
Maybe we have a chance. . .
I don’t know why but I just got this very intense experience from one night, and now I feel like if I don’t let it out the nights or days will be contrived with judgments and ideas untrue. I just want day to day, I just want to love life and have fun with my new friend. But I also want to be able to open about passing moments.
Am I stupid for posting this up?
Well if she does read it, I hope she see’s that this is all speculation and a moment in the sun rollerblading down the PCH in an environment unclear to me, feeling withdrawal from smoke signals, a glance at something possible. I would also hope she would ask questions and talk to me about it : )
Not something to strive for ever time we meet, nor a goal to strive for at the end of the day. Just something that is in my eye as the sun glimmers by. . .
The smell of the beach is becoming clearer.
I begin to pick up my pace.
I hit a street crossing button, so strange, usually I just cross like in NYC.
I hate waiting for the damn cars, I hate waiting, indeed… I don’t think i crosses the street early yet, although I am on the furtherest edge of the corner.
The moment is gone for now.
The clarity is strange.
I had a fun time on the boardwalk and now I will go shower.
-End.
I yearn to sit here and type words. I am in need to type my thoughts.
Yet I still hold back on myself to actually type it all…
I will wait.
I sit here, listening intently to the song: I wonder, by Kellie Pickler. I heard this this weekend with my mother in the car. When i first heard it I got chills exactly when she did. I also felt the intense emotion this song gave off. Now I listen to it in my room at 2 am. I have tears in my eyes. In a way it reminds me of my life. Moving away from everything I had to pursue this amazing dream, a strange dream that was dream’t after I was here. My head hurts really bad lately and not a headache but from it being fulled and unable to release. I am fighting with my weight, I have lost so much lately and it feels great but it still is a way to go, from 205 to 185. I am afraid to quit smoking even though each drag on the cigarette makes me sick to my stomach because I can’t dream of putting the weight back on, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to put effort into a workout. Then I think… if I quit will I lose inspiration, will i lose a bit of myself. The things that help are thinking about how far I got without the smokes. ANd then how when I quit once before at work I was able to feel better and do more work than ever before. Now I get sick by the end of the day and need to go home, but due to the addiction it is hard to not have a few more before bed. My sleep is broken, my heart is full of things that don’t exist. I hear people telling me things like “You never cared” when all I did WAS care. I apologize to everyone for thinking about so much more than just myself. I apologize because often it looks like it is just me I am thinking of. If people knew half the shit, I think the world around me would collapse. I think that may be over exaggerated but at the same time it would be a fuck ton of bricks falling. Maybe my brain is just full. Maybe it is my fault, probably. But at the same time work stuff couldn’t be better other than the normal constipations. I fight soo hard to rise above that issue but it just bites my ass so much. I hear so much sometimes and sometimes you hear to much and it hurts to know there is so much being said behind the words. But I will always be that person. I like to be that person, just right now it is a little more difficult. I re-opened areas of my life due to recent events and it seems to be good but at the same time I feel that when I closed them i got so much done, perhaps it was meant that way, but perhaps it wasn’t. I think back to a time of me and my closest friends running a website called popelimited.com and I read my inspirations, and my stories, and watch my animations… and I wonder, where is that person, where is that outlet. I think it is here it is just a little harder to archive in a cooperate muddle. I am sure half this makes no sense to anyone but me but I think that is best. For me to hold onto the words and whispers and wind. I hit play once again on the song… I sit… I pause… I raise my ears. Music keeps me sain. I think I will post things on my personal blogs that people can see me for parts they may never have imagined. Maybe I will even write about now today these moments. Perhaps I will just be lazy. Tomorrow I make another attempt to quit smoking, i think… I just want to be me again. In this different life… I want to hold onto me. And I will, just need time. Why am I getting panic attacks(that scare the shit outta me) again. Is it the sun… is it the people… is it the situations… is it the fact that people close to me are lost in things that close off others… is it visitors… is it just me? I don’t know… I do know however I watch, I see, and I am not stupid… I just wait to see. Sucks when it bites back at me. People look up to you you know… if you chase the fox into the trap, those thoughts while the same may cause those who hold them to be sad. But then again words from both ends, whose do you believe?
You remind me of me… You remind me of my defense.. You know how to redirect the pain and the shit… you also remind me of me sitting in the shadow waiting thinking it wil work when you know damn straight it won’t… you and me are very similar, however I see something in this you do not because I am staring at me. You are being dumb, but how can I just say that? You are accepting things in hopes it will fix different things even though you are against what you accept. You hang out with people who make you sick just for a moment next to a person not even seeing the twinkle in your eyes. Stop getting stepped on, where is the person I first met who hated me. Sure some things are good changes, but shit where is that center core valued you we love to see. This is yours, own it well. Use us too, we will make you stronger. That is all there needs to be.
we may all have issues that we do not know the answer to or cannot solve or get over but it doesnt meanwe cannot help others
btw to those who know and I may not respond or give the attention needed, Thank you 🙂
So it is really amazing how your day just cannot be planned in the least. Yesterday I planned to do my 9 loads of laundry and watch a movie. So I began my movie and put my laundry in, I walked to go put half of it in the dryer and when I get there I hear screaming and see two little girls run out of the pool area by me. I look out the laundry room window and see a lady screaming over a body laying out at the pool. It is a little girl and I immediately know what has happened. The girl had drowned in the pool. So I knew 7 years ago I was trained in CPR and scaled the pool fence and ran to the girl. I planned to immediately jump in and do CPR when I got there and help the girl, however what they didn’t train you for is what you will see with a real person, especially a 12 year old girl.
The child had vomit all in her mouth and was completely blue and limp. The site itself sent me in a momentary shock. I saw the lady who was there was not doing the chest pumps correctly so I moved her out of the way and began to do the chest pumps. I asked her how long the child had been like that because she looked dead, the lady was screaming and I got no response, I asked again and still no response. I finally asked her if she spoke English and even though I found out later that she did, she was in so much shock she said no and could not speak English.
I could not get myself to do the mouth to mouth because the Childs tongue was out of her mouth and her recent lunch of pasta all around(not mentioning the horrific smell), I thought of a million things within a split second of time that caused me to go into shock, but I managed to grab my cell phone and call 911. All this has been done in about 30 seconds to give you a time frame on how much was happening at once.
When 911 answered after a work around of hitting numbers and retarded bullshit, I gave them the address and an EMT got on the phone to help me help the girl.
At this point about a minute or a little more into this the entire family came running from their house. (oh yeah the girl was swimming with her friends without her mother, the person who was there could not swim to get the child out of the water and the hook to grab people was missing that day even though a week earlier I had seen it, luckily and the hero of this story, the 12 year old’s friend was there and jumped into the deep end and pulled her to the side for the lady to pull her out)
The family was screaming and I was a step back now to talk to the 911 operator in order to hear. I turned back and saw a man related to the family giving the girl mouth to mouth but no one else was helping him in a useful manner, there was lots of screaming and no English. The operator asked me to ask them questions but I couldn’t get answers so he asked me if I knew CPR and I said yes and he asked me to go help them do it correct. I sat by the child pushed the family away from hitting the child’s back and screaming. I looked at the man who did some mouth to mouth and emptied the child’s mouth of food and bile. We coordinated CPR I would pump 30 times on her chest or as many as the family would allow and he would breath three times, each time more and more food water and ick would come up. We would place her on her side and scoop it out of her mouth. The man on the phone asked me if she was breathing and I continued to say now, we continued this for about 5 minutes before the ambulance was in ear distance. In my head all I could say was please please start breathing before they get here, please time is very important now. The child looked lifeless, helpless and I thought of a million different things at once while this happened. I thought of the mother crying and her child dying in my arms, I thought of my laundry I left in the dryer, I thought of the world continuing to revolve even though life itself had stopped for us in that area, I thought of my friend back home who was a life guard wondering what he would be doing differently, I thought of a million things. I could tell you when a minute had gone by or 12 seconds. I could only see the child and I continued to do the CPR and continued to see nothing, just a lifeless 12 year old girl with so much life ahead of her. I also noticed a tracheotomy scar on her neck and asked if she had had one they said she had drowned once before. (that may have been a miscommunication, but I am not sure that is what I heard). I prayed they would get there so I would not have to attempt something I really had little recollection about.
The EMT on the phone helped me remember much of my training and we did what we could, although because of my initial shock reaction, jumping the fence wanting to save a life, getting to the girl and almost freezing for a split second and having to overcome in a the form of a 911 call, I still felt I was failing.
Little did I know till after, NO ONE called 911, NO ONE was helping, other than the one man who helped me perform CPR. The parents were understandably in shock and unable to make reasonable decisions. One lady kept turning her on her side and hitting her back which apparently has JUST been added to the CPR course, but this was more of trying to wake up her baby, so I had to stop her a few times. They even tried the Heimlich, when I would have to divert my attention to the 911 guy who wanted me to ask questions but no one was speaking English. I don’t even know now how I was able to push away parents fighting me to get to their child for me to perform the way we did, and me someone no longer certified trying to help someone else’s child, someones blood, it was frightening, what if I wasn’t doing things right, who the hell was I. I was also pulling away the children so they would not have to see. Like I said so much happened in the longest 5 – 7 minutes in my life I could not comprehend that I was helping nor did I know.
About 15 seconds before the ambulance EMT crew got there to help, the girl took a breath, but not the breath like in a movie where they cough a little water and are all better, more of a struggling breath, but a breath non the less. We were unsure if it was reaction to the CPR or not, so we waited a moment with her on her side and she stopped, we did CPR again and she did it again and then again, in 5 – 10 intervals. It was not promising, but it was something, at this point the EMT guy was over us and sticking a tube down her throat. The guy on the phone said, like a cliche movie line, “you can hang up now but you did a good job”. It made me feel a little better but just for the cliche stance of it.
At this point about 6 police officers spread us all apart and began to talk to everyone to get the quickest stories to help the EMT understand what had happened. It turned out the little girl saw her swim to the deep end and just since, no splash nothing.
The EMT kept asking if she had fallen or hit her head, but she had not. The EMT was trying to get medical history so I asked the mother who spoke little English and was frantic and relayed it to the EMT. I kept pulling the kids back from looking because if I was in shock I didn’t want them to see what I just saw especially the girls sister.
At this point they performed another tracheotomy on the girl and put inflatable lungs in her. As they took her away the police said it didn’t look good and she was in critical stage 3, meaning she would die.
Now that the adrenaline started to come down, I stood off to the side with the lady who ran the complex and asked if I could smoke, she said I could light anything I wanted. I lit a cigarette and the man who had been helping me ran over asking for one. We sat there taking the deepest drags ever. I remember the sound from his cigarette being pulled so hard into his lungs. I also remember that I had my socks on because on the leap over the 8 foot fence I kicked them off to run faster. I took my socks off because they were covered in terrible stuff and I sat with my smoke on the verge of throwing up. Even during I wanted to throw up but I fought. I then began to cry but held back not feeling comfortable with the people there.
I began to walk out of the pool area as they prepared the crime scene. I stood by the laundry room with the man and his wife for what seemed like forever only able to see a few feet ahead of me and nothing to the sides. People kept coming up and asking why they couldn’t go in the pool and one girl walked by and asked if someone had drowned, which I found to be very tacky and then the girls sister said, “Yes my sister†without the slightest inflection in her voice, the child didn’t even know what that meant. I wanted to punch the girl who said it. I wanted to cry for the girl. I called a girl Joanna from work and as I walked to my apartment people tried to talk to me but I couldn’t see them and walked right by and I began to break down. The adrenaline was leaving me and the tunnel vision was taking over. I walked into my house and began to cry when I saw my reflection I leaned on a wall and fell apart. I went out to smoke again and Joanna came, when she hugged me I fell to pieces again. I cried in heavy spurts. Even now today I want to cry more but I don’t feel it until it is right on the edge and quickly over.
Joanna stayed with me for about a half hour as I couldn’t stop talking, talking about every moment, talking about my laundry, talking about random shit, everything and anything in my head had to come out I couldn’t stop talking. It helped it felt good to talk but I couldn’t help but realize I had froze when I first saw this girl even if it was just a split second. This girl I thought I could save now about to die. I questioned everything I did, I didn’t think anything was useful. Joanna left after I calmed and I called my dad and we talked for a good hour. He told me how majority of CPR does not revive people. I was praying, I was talking to god, I am not very religious but I prayed so hard. I was wondering, maybe god needed help and so I was there, but now I needed gods help. When I got off the phone with my dad I called my lifeguard friend Sean back home and asked him what he thought, he said with what I had and no kits or anything I did the best I could, he said even just doing chest pumps can be good enough sometimes. It made me feel better but I still paced and could not see in front of me. I went in every now and again and watch a little of the movie I began and finished my laundry, the rest of the time I smoked through two packs of cigarettes.
I went to the apartment complex employees to see if they heard anything and they shook my hand and called me a hero, but all I felt was upset because this girl may die. They didn’t know any updates. Even as I type this I can still smell the vile smell that was around that area with the girl. No doll no CPR course can prepare you for what you see in reality. I still see semi tunnel vision and am unable to shake the first image or the image of the people over her body. I do remember paying little attention to the people around though so I could concentrate on the girl.
I called my sister and my mom. They all said I did everything I could, I felt after that that maybe I did, but I still was upset at myself, knowing now though that I could do better. What I learned is invaluable and if this ever happened again I could do better. But that didn’t help the now.
The police said I should email them to get an update tomorrow or the next day or whenever, but even then not being family I felt as though I may not know for a few days and that ate at me.
So for 4 – 5 hours from the incident I replayed it a thousand times, but it was helping to keep talking about it. Around 6 I got a called from the Irvine police. They said the girl was alive! I was smiling uncontrollably. They said little more so I didn’t know if she had brain damage or what condition, but they said they wanted to send someone over to ask me a few more questions. I said ok.
I sat outside and waited for the officer. When he got there, he asked me if I knew why he was there and I told him no, but I figured he wanted to ask me some more questions since the whole situation was very unclear. But he said no. He told me the girl began to breath in the ambulance to the hospital on her own and at the hospital she woke up and was fine, without any brain damage. Then he pulled out a badge(coin) of Recognition and said, when the EMT got there the girl had regained her pulse. What me and that man had done had brought the girl back to life. He said we do not give these out to people often but we felt since you saved a life you deserved this, it is a great honor to give it to you. I was in shock. All I could think was, the girl was alive when the EMT GOT THERE. WHAT WE HAD DONE had ACTUALLY brought her back. I did the right things even though I felt because of my shock I had failed the little girl. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, I asked the officer if he would go to the house of the man who helped and he said he was already going to go there and he gave the girl who swam and brought the girl out of the water a badge too. She was a true hero!
I saw them walking outside and ran up to them to thank them, and the man said, “I could not have done that without you, you saved the little girl.” I said the opposite right to him. It was amazing how our minds worked we were completely dependant on the other person yet we both thought the opposite on the outcome. I am grateful for the girl who saved her and the man who helped me.
I called my family and told them and they were very happy. I could now actually sit down and feel better. I guess I actually did do the right thing even though looking at it I know I can do better next time. But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I feel stupid telling people I got a badge because I didn’t do this for recognition I did this to save the girl and I still feel that had it gone the other way, what I did may not have been to the full potential that I wanted it to be, but I also understand how this kind of situation can change everything you think and how you react, but I am just glad that when my brain failed on the initial reaction I was able to quickly divert to 911 and then do what I couldn’t in the first 10 seconds with the guidance I was helped with.
I hope these parents realize how lucky they just got and learn to take care of their children. I hope the pool makes sure they don’t loose important life saving devices and perhaps think of adding a CPR kit to the area.
And this is how my Sunday was spent.
Life is tricky sometimes.
I am thankful for everyone who helped me with this. You all helped me more than you know.
The description of the coin states:
History of Challenge Coins
Challenge Coins Surfaces during the World War I Era. The practice of carrying a coin designed specifically for a unit was popular with the Army Special Forces. Carrying the coins at all times and presenting it when challenged to prove affiliation with that unit resulted in a number of consequences for those who could not produce a coin, the most popular required the coinless soldier to buy a round of drinks. That practice continues to be popular today.
So it is really amazing how your day just cannot be planned in the least. Yesterday I planned to do my 9 loads of laundry and watch a movie. So I began my movie and put my laundry in, I walked to go put half of it in the dryer and when I get there I hear screaming and see two little girls run out of the pool area by me. I look out the laundry room window and see a lady screaming over a body laying out at the pool. It is a little girl and I immediately know what has happened. The girl had drowned in the pool. So I knew 7 years ago I was trained in CPR and scaled the pool fence and ran to the girl. I planned to immediately jump in and do CPR when I got there and help the girl, however what they didn’t train you for is what you will see with a real person, especially a 12 year old girl.
The child had vomit all in her mouth and was completely blue and limp. The site itself sent me in a momentary shock. I saw the lady who was there was not doing the chest pumps correctly so I moved her out of the way and began to do the chest pumps. I asked her how long the child had been like that because she looked dead, the lady was screaming and I got no response, I asked again and still no response. I finally asked her if she spoke English and even though I found out later that she did, she was in so much shock she said no and could not speak English.
I could not get myself to do the mouth to mouth because the Childs tongue was out of her mouth and her recent lunch of pasta all around(not mentioning the horrific smell), I thought of a million things within a split second of time that caused me to go into shock, but I managed to grab my cell phone and call 911. All this has been done in about 30 seconds to give you a time frame on how much was happening at once.
When 911 answered after a work around of hitting numbers and retarded bullshit, I gave them the address and an EMT got on the phone to help me help the girl.
At this point about a minute or a little more into this the entire family came running from their house. (oh yeah the girl was swimming with her friends without her mother, the person who was there could not swim to get the child out of the water and the hook to grab people was missing that day even though a week earlier I had seen it, luckily and the hero of this story, the 12 year old’s friend was there and jumped into the deep end and pulled her to the side for the lady to pull her out)
The family was screaming and I was a step back now to talk to the 911 operator in order to hear. I turned back and saw a man related to the family giving the girl mouth to mouth but no one else was helping him in a useful manner, there was lots of screaming and no English. The operator asked me to ask them questions but I couldn’t get answers so he asked me if I knew CPR and I said yes and he asked me to go help them do it correct. I sat by the child pushed the family away from hitting the child’s back and screaming. I looked at the man who did some mouth to mouth and emptied the child’s mouth of food and bile. We coordinated CPR I would pump 30 times on her chest or as many as the family would allow and he would breath three times, each time more and more food water and ick would come up. We would place her on her side and scoop it out of her mouth. The man on the phone asked me if she was breathing and I continued to say now, we continued this for about 5 minutes before the ambulance was in ear distance. In my head all I could say was please please start breathing before they get here, please time is very important now. The child looked lifeless, helpless and I thought of a million different things at once while this happened. I thought of the mother crying and her child dying in my arms, I thought of my laundry I left in the dryer, I thought of the world continuing to revolve even though life itself had stopped for us in that area, I thought of my friend back home who was a life guard wondering what he would be doing differently, I thought of a million things. I could tell you when a minute had gone by or 12 seconds. I could only see the child and I continued to do the CPR and continued to see nothing, just a lifeless 12 year old girl with so much life ahead of her. I also noticed a tracheotomy scar on her neck and asked if she had had one they said she had drowned once before. (that may have been a miscommunication, but I am not sure that is what I heard). I prayed they would get there so I would not have to attempt something I really had little recollection about.
The EMT on the phone helped me remember much of my training and we did what we could, although because of my initial shock reaction, jumping the fence wanting to save a life, getting to the girl and almost freezing for a split second and having to overcome in a the form of a 911 call, I still felt I was failing.
Little did I know till after, NO ONE called 911, NO ONE was helping, other than the one man who helped me perform CPR. The parents were understandably in shock and unable to make reasonable decisions. One lady kept turning her on her side and hitting her back which apparently has JUST been added to the CPR course, but this was more of trying to wake up her baby, so I had to stop her a few times. They even tried the Heimlich, when I would have to divert my attention to the 911 guy who wanted me to ask questions but no one was speaking English. I don’t even know now how I was able to push away parents fighting me to get to their child for me to perform the way we did, and me someone no longer certified trying to help someone else’s child, someones blood, it was frightening, what if I wasn’t doing things right, who the hell was I. I was also pulling away the children so they would not have to see. Like I said so much happened in the longest 5 – 7 minutes in my life I could not comprehend that I was helping nor did I know.
About 15 seconds before the ambulance EMT crew got there to help, the girl took a breath, but not the breath like in a movie where they cough a little water and are all better, more of a struggling breath, but a breath non the less. We were unsure if it was reaction to the CPR or not, so we waited a moment with her on her side and she stopped, we did CPR again and she did it again and then again, in 5 – 10 intervals. It was not promising, but it was something, at this point the EMT guy was over us and sticking a tube down her throat. The guy on the phone said, like a cliche movie line, “you can hang up now but you did a good job”. It made me feel a little better but just for the cliche stance of it.
At this point about 6 police officers spread us all apart and began to talk to everyone to get the quickest stories to help the EMT understand what had happened. It turned out the little girl saw her swim to the deep end and just since, no splash nothing.
The EMT kept asking if she had fallen or hit her head, but she had not. The EMT was trying to get medical history so I asked the mother who spoke little English and was frantic and relayed it to the EMT. I kept pulling the kids back from looking because if I was in shock I didn’t want them to see what I just saw especially the girls sister.
At this point they performed another tracheotomy on the girl and put inflatable lungs in her. As they took her away the police said it didn’t look good and she was in critical stage 3, meaning she would die.
Now that the adrenaline started to come down, I stood off to the side with the lady who ran the complex and asked if I could smoke, she said I could light anything I wanted. I lit a cigarette and the man who had been helping me ran over asking for one. We sat there taking the deepest drags ever. I remember the sound from his cigarette being pulled so hard into his lungs. I also remember that I had my socks on because on the leap over the 8 foot fence I kicked them off to run faster. I took my socks off because they were covered in terrible stuff and I sat with my smoke on the verge of throwing up. Even during I wanted to throw up but I fought. I then began to cry but held back not feeling comfortable with the people there.
I began to walk out of the pool area as they prepared the crime scene. I stood by the laundry room with the man and his wife for what seemed like forever only able to see a few feet ahead of me and nothing to the sides. People kept coming up and asking why they couldn’t go in the pool and one girl walked by and asked if someone had drowned, which I found to be very tacky and then the girls sister said, “Yes my sister†without the slightest inflection in her voice, the child didn’t even know what that meant. I wanted to punch the girl who said it. I wanted to cry for the girl. I called a girl Joanna from work and as I walked to my apartment people tried to talk to me but I couldn’t see them and walked right by and I began to break down. The adrenaline was leaving me and the tunnel vision was taking over. I walked into my house and began to cry when I saw my reflection I leaned on a wall and fell apart. I went out to smoke again and Joanna came, when she hugged me I fell to pieces again. I cried in heavy spurts. Even now today I want to cry more but I don’t feel it until it is right on the edge and quickly over.
Joanna stayed with me for about a half hour as I couldn’t stop talking, talking about every moment, talking about my laundry, talking about random shit, everything and anything in my head had to come out I couldn’t stop talking. It helped it felt good to talk but I couldn’t help but realize I had froze when I first saw this girl even if it was just a split second. This girl I thought I could save now about to die. I questioned everything I did, I didn’t think anything was useful. Joanna left after I calmed and I called my dad and we talked for a good hour. He told me how majority of CPR does not revive people. I was praying, I was talking to god, I am not very religious but I prayed so hard. I was wondering, maybe god needed help and so I was there, but now I needed gods help. When I got off the phone with my dad I called my lifeguard friend Sean back home and asked him what he thought, he said with what I had and no kits or anything I did the best I could, he said even just doing chest pumps can be good enough sometimes. It made me feel better but I still paced and could not see in front of me. I went in every now and again and watch a little of the movie I began and finished my laundry, the rest of the time I smoked through two packs of cigarettes.
I went to the apartment complex employees to see if they heard anything and they shook my hand and called me a hero, but all I felt was upset because this girl may die. They didn’t know any updates. Even as I type this I can still smell the vile smell that was around that area with the girl. No doll no CPR course can prepare you for what you see in reality. I still see semi tunnel vision and am unable to shake the first image or the image of the people over her body. I do remember paying little attention to the people around though so I could concentrate on the girl.
I called my sister and my mom. They all said I did everything I could, I felt after that that maybe I did, but I still was upset at myself, knowing now though that I could do better. What I learned is invaluable and if this ever happened again I could do better. But that didn’t help the now.
The police said I should email them to get an update tomorrow or the next day or whenever, but even then not being family I felt as though I may not know for a few days and that ate at me.
So for 4 – 5 hours from the incident I replayed it a thousand times, but it was helping to keep talking about it. Around 6 I got a called from the Irvine police. They said the girl was alive! I was smiling uncontrollably. They said little more so I didn’t know if she had brain damage or what condition, but they said they wanted to send someone over to ask me a few more questions. I said ok.
I sat outside and waited for the officer. When he got there, he asked me if I knew why he was there and I told him no, but I figured he wanted to ask me some more questions since the whole situation was very unclear. But he said no. He told me the girl began to breath in the ambulance to the hospital on her own and at the hospital she woke up and was fine, without any brain damage. Then he pulled out a badge(coin) of Recognition and said, when the EMT got there the girl had regained her pulse. What me and that man had done had brought the girl back to life. He said we do not give these out to people often but we felt since you saved a life you deserved this, it is a great honor to give it to you. I was in shock. All I could think was, the girl was alive when the EMT GOT THERE. WHAT WE HAD DONE had ACTUALLY brought her back. I did the right things even though I felt because of my shock I had failed the little girl. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, I asked the officer if he would go to the house of the man who helped and he said he was already going to go there and he gave the girl who swam and brought the girl out of the water a badge too. She was a true hero!
I saw them walking outside and ran up to them to thank them, and the man said, “I could not have done that without you, you saved the little girl.” I said the opposite right to him. It was amazing how our minds worked we were completely dependant on the other person yet we both thought the opposite on the outcome. I am grateful for the girl who saved her and the man who helped me.
I called my family and told them and they were very happy. I could now actually sit down and feel better. I guess I actually did do the right thing even though looking at it I know I can do better next time. But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I feel stupid telling people I got a badge because I didn’t do this for recognition I did this to save the girl and I still feel that had it gone the other way, what I did may not have been to the full potential that I wanted it to be, but I also understand how this kind of situation can change everything you think and how you react, but I am just glad that when my brain failed on the initial reaction I was able to quickly divert to 911 and then do what I couldn’t in the first 10 seconds with the guidance I was helped with.
I hope these parents realize how lucky they just got and learn to take care of their children. I hope the pool makes sure they don’t loose important life saving devices and perhaps think of adding a CPR kit to the area.
And this is how my Sunday was spent.
Life is tricky sometimes.
I am thankful for everyone who helped me with this. You all helped me more than you know.
The description of the coin states:
History of Challenge Coins
Challenge Coins Surfaces during the World War I Era. The practice of carrying a coin designed specifically for a unit was popular with the Army Special Forces. Carrying the coins at all times and presenting it when challenged to prove affiliation with that unit resulted in a number of consequences for those who could not produce a coin, the most popular required the coinless soldier to buy a round of drinks. That practice continues to be popular today.
I don’t think I will ever know when I will be ready to truly watch or see the memories branded into my eyes… I don’t think i could ever share the tears I cannot stop… I will always remember. And it will always hurt. To think disaster brought the world together.. yet today even the world trying to remember will never know… not unless you felt the ashes, smelled the smoke… heard the crunching metal… I don’t want to speak about it anymore… I just want for me a memory in stone… and so here it is.. My memory a small snippet, for all to see, and here it shall lay, forever untouched. It does not need to be the day of or after or before… it is now it is forever. I wish I could heal the world, for my pain compared to others…. nothing…. The World In Love.
As I change the aperture of the lens I feel a shiver… making movies… I love to make movies… and there is where my focus will be.
Just the simple feel of another’s skin against mine. Is enough to calm me. To feel your skin to touch your hair to become a cliche and get lost in your eyes… it is enough to ease me to rest.
So I lost control. I admit it and I feel for it. I finally feel for it. Will it happen again i can pray it won’t, but it is possible. For now I plug away at a timeline of pre-comps and render while talking to the air during the night. Then i read long passages into moments… not sure which moment I am in.
and I don’t know where to find myself or who I am or why I become it or where it derives from or how I created it.
I lay awake now lost unable to cry able to know the feeling unable to really feel though.
help me.
Why do we all find the need to live in old pictures easier than new ones as we grow older? Perhaps it is a personal thing I have noticed, but I do see it with others too.. meh food for thought.
P.S. Why are they taken as a written law and misinterpreted so much? Because people cannot talk to one another without a myspace to hide behind so they are examined until they fall into the category of a famous poetry piece? Over analyzed until the true meaning is lost. Luckily people TALK to me cause I hardly check those places and things I post usually are more of an advertisement than a use as a blog.
I remember driving down the spruce tree covered streets in NJ before my move here about a year ago. I remember the smells. I remember the people. I remember my car… I remember my music choices… I remember a lot… I’ll hold on to those memories.
I feel like putting on a pair of the highest definition headphones and getting lost in every kind of music there is. Currently I am listening to Celtic music on my Studio Monitors. mmmm If only I could carry them in my ears. I miss getting chills at broadway musicals.
I just felt like writing tonight. I am not sure what I will write about.. hmm dammit a Christmas song just came on on my playlist. Don’t you hate when you are listening to music and a Christmas song you actually like comes on and you are now faced with the decision.. DO I LISTEN or DO I NOT due to it not being Christmas.. ahh decisions decisions. Well at least it provided me a way to get started with the writing here. To read more click the little thing below this:
So since I took the plunge into geekage totally I was an actor and well lets just say you do everything and anything to keep your figure pristine. Well, I kinda fell victim to comfort of not having to stand infront of an audience naked and well enjoy the finer foods more often such as Oreos, tostidos, redvines, etc etc. For a little bit I even fell victim to my previous past of smoking to try to keep the weight in check which worked well. However I traded a cancer stick for weight.. and well it didn’t weigh out lol. So I went shopping this weekend and finally got some clothes to replace my skin tight jeans from my dancer days lol. Albeit it was a hard plunge to finally come to grips with but overall I feel better in clothes more fitting and well eventually one day I will find a tennis partner and hopefully get some of the sit on my ass all day in front of a computer weight to fall off. And thus is how my week began with new clothes! Has a girly moment lol.
still strong on the flower… an empty ground waiting for it to fall to lay with.. to hold.
When I tickle you you say HEYYYYYYYYY STOPPPP ITTTTTTT…. And when I smile with a devious smile and go.. “ok” all sarcasm attached you run to the corner of the room holding pillow in hand ready to swing! Your eyes jitter around the room… I sit there watching.. Waiting to pounce… still I sit in this empty chair, looking at that wall, wishing you were there. (THIS IS NOT EMO, read it in a CUTE tone)
ooooo i tickled you.. You laughed… then you snorted… then you punched me.. then i rolled over onto you and we kissed. it was cute, wish you were there.
Today I read a post by a dear friend of mine, Athalus, the founder and previously a host of WCradio.com.
“I have cancelled my account, I have a new job working in the MMO industry at another respectable company, and I will be attending classes at a major California university very soon.” – Athalus
I have written many times in my bio and on many different formations of this site and in credits of old movies, of a name, “WCradio”, or in more direct and appropriate term, “Athalus”. Athalus was this stranger who through an instant messanger moved to a Skype conversation, turned a project I did for personal enjoyment with a few friends into a kick in the ass toward my career today. One could never express the appreciation one has for a person who kick started another’s career. No links to a website or lines of text in a bio could really explain it. Well I think I will try my best now for those who never looked deeper than a movie or browsed a credit line.
When I made I surrender Athalus a few days later messaged me and said, “Dude, when is number 2 coming out?” And I was like, errrr number 2? And he was like, “Well where is your website at least”. And i was like well I have a stupid website where me and my friends shoot the shit… Athalus in a dramatization of the event, “(sigh)Come with me my child! (BAM POOF SPARKS FLY FROM HIS HANDS)” I was presented with a domain host, a spot on a radio station to promote my current movie and he said, “Figure out what you are calling the website I am buying for you…”
For those of you who have ever had someone grab your hand and help you through something new it is really quite the experience. So much went on behind the scenes I could never express it properly or give credit where credit was due. But I can point out an area which has always been grey even in my mind: with every helping hand there comes a time when you must let go of the milk your mother can provide(shut up Darwin fans) and begin to find every possible way to provide. There was a point, even though Athalus was the one who kicked my ass through a door, when I needed to figure out how to build a second floor, and I think this is where in a public eye it can get muddled.
When I took the step from one movie during beta to 2 or 3 movies every 2 or 3 months I began having to balance soo much more. Athalus and his radio were expanding and he had to deal with that. We always talked about combining one day and perhaps forming a movie radio community but the push was for our separate fields of work to progress on their own, and so we began to do less and less building of our profiles together. I never helped him build his radio station and he never dictated to me a script for a movie. We were merely there to support each other in our efforts and to see the other person prosper.
We got to go to Blizzcon and meet up. We all took time from our schedules to plug each other, he gave me a moment on his radio station and I put him in the movie(with a picture of my grandma of course) and all was happy, between him and I. We never felt an obligation or even thought we stepped on each others toes if someone got more exposure than the other. And this is why I am writing this.
I am writing this because we were there for each other since day one. Although he may have kicked me in the ass first, I want him to know I never lost sight of who he was and what he did for me. I think we will continue to have our sporatic meetings and chats as always but I want everyone to know… Don’t ever let go of those people who help you. You never know, without being able to look back, what you may not have had if certain people were not there to say “Hey I am Athalus”.
Athalus’s post can be found here: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=86916308&sid=1
The days when a tree was a tree.
Your mom was a hero.
Your dad was your friend.
The truth was as much as you knew.
I think they exist now, it just takes a little more to see them… I think I have found my sunshine again, not in a person or a place, just in myself.
Not an emo post. DAMN STRAIGHT! 🙂
There was a girl
her name was myrtle
she had a friend…
an invisible turtle
she said he got her the black lace girdle
but no one knows
except for myrtle
They ran around.
Rolled on the ground…
their friendship bound
Myrtle
and her
turtle.
Thank you thank you.. bows!
That means tomorrow is friday?
I like that. 😛
Lots to do at work, lots to do at home, lots to do always…
Doing the right stuff?
We will see.
I’m in Tristan world apparently
with the bastion of vocal harmonies at night wishing me goodnight
