Writing has always been a comfort for me. When I get the urge to write it often takes hours or days for me to actually sit down and begin my path across the keyboard. I usually have a bunch of ideas I want to relate and then they begin to pile up until I am overwhelmed by the idea of actually sitting down and writing about them all. But perhaps it is better to write about them all at once instead of trying to make them separate pieces of time.

I spent the better majority of this weekend watching movies. I went and rented as many of the movies out there that looked very go lucky, happy, over the top retarded.  There is always a common theme in those types of movies, a love interest.

I guess for me I can watch a movie and forget about my life and be happy in the lives of those that I watch. Feel their love, understand their happiness, and then relate it to the idea of them being real people off the screen.

I often wonder what it would be like if it were me on that screen.

I graduated a theatre major and I never told anyone through my 4 years of college what I wanted to do with my life when I graduated.  Part of that had to do with my dislike for the people who walked around explaining their right to fame.  I guess there were a few reasons for this; One I was terrified of failing, I didn’t want to explain my extreme want for fame on the movie screen because then there was a bigger chance for failure in the eyes of those I told, and it became about them and not something for me. The second reason was to not jinx it. And then there was the simple reason of being scared shitless myself of such a goal.

I suppose I should explain my intentions to let you understand it in full. I wanted to be famous for a couple of reasons. I was not the book smart type of person, on paper at least, that is to say I preferred the arts because they allowed me to improvise my life on the fly, rather than watching tutorials or remember pH balances.  I wanted the fame more than I wanted to be an actor. I think I thought and still think, regardless of the gold diggers or fake fans, that through fame, I would be able to enjoy life more, worry less about monetary things and more about things like love. And what better way to enlarge the pool of women to choose from than to be known to everyone.  Then there was the reprisal for my younger years as a child when I was not accepted in school as the “cool” kid but was treated as the nerd and outcast. I figured one day, all those who shit on me would see me on the screen and think to themselves “Well shit… don’t I feel like a jackass”. I suppose not the best reasons for wanting the fame.  It makes me sad that “Movie Fame” is the easiest (if you can make it) way to be known. The path of least resistance so to say.  You do not need to write something worthy of a Nobel prize, or fight in a war, you just have to pretend to be someone that someone else made up.  I am not saying this is an easy task but in the world of fame, this is probably the # 1 most glorified place to be. A rock star for instance, or a movie star, they are in everyone’s lives regardless of wanting it or not.  I have always been a people person so when people would be saying how they would hate to be surrounded every day by paparazzi etc, I thought it would be perfect for the way I live.

Another reason I wanted it was because I think I am good at it. And when I set goals in my life, I usually do everything in my power to achieve them. I didn’t want to be the professor teaching the acting class because he couldn’t hack it. I used to tell me self over and over again, do not fall into a comfort zone making website or doing something else I was good at but took less of a fight to get to.  So you can imagine when i got a job at a Video Game company making movies, I fought my inner voice so hard it was very confusing.

In the last year of my college career I got the chance to direct 3 plays, two short 1 act plays and 1 full scale musical. This was the most fun I have ever had in my life. It came naturally to me, I loved to help people reach their full potential in my shows. I loved working every day on the sets and the costumes and the interaction with the actors. I did however not have a day go by where I told myself not to fall into it even though I enjoyed it sooo much. I felt like it was that comfort zone, and I would regret for the rest of my life not pursuing the life of an actor, how I would look back 50 years from now and say,  “If Only”.  I even got upset when I found out I was going to have to take directing courses as part of my core, because to me I wanted to be an actor and no other aspect interested me.

I feel that my ability to act gives me the insight to help others succeed, as with any job in life, it is so important to know all the aspects of it to better yourself in your part. However my inner voice once again yelled at me, and said, “Helping others to reach their goals in great but first you must reach yours.” Why is that, simply it is because if I watched others surpass me into fame, I had failed.

This is odd, because I have never opened up about this to anyone really. I didn’t even have this as a planned conversation topic for this.

I fear people in my life will look at my past and my goals of then and see them as me not being fully committed to my life and challenges now. Knowing perhaps one day I may wish to pursue my other passions.  However, my life as it is now, is intriguing, and my choice to come out to California to pursue this hybrid mix of directing and acting in a new form of entertainment, Machinima, was something I would be a complete idiot to have turned away with two years of work making them on my own.

It was the biggest fork in my life to choose this life. I got a call from a director I had worked with to get my equity card by doing a traveling Romeo and Juliet the same day I got a call to work as support(the bottom of the bottom, which I didn’t know at the time if I would make it to be able to actually make the movies for the company that I was doing) at my current place of work.  I remember the conversations of those important to me that day, and even the director telling me I should go and do it while I still had the chance. A book was recommended to me “What color is your parachute” I am yet to get it, but one day I will have to read it.

I think leaving New York was the hardest for me. When I first got here, I ordered a pizza and asked the girl on the phone for a “Large Pie” and she responded back in a Valley Girl accent, “We don’t sell pie”. When I then asked for a large pizza, she sent me the worst tasting pizza of my life.

I knew then I was no longer in Kansas. Because honestly they have more common sense than this girl did lol.

My transformation over the last few years has been wonderful. I love my job to death, but it took awhile for me to even come to the conclusions about my want to be famous and why that I mentioned before.  I thought I was throwing my dreams away, even though I was enjoying what I was doing, that meant “Comfort”. Although this has not been the “Comfort Job”. Every day is a new learning experience and every movie we do has something new to learn and challenges that appear.

So what can one conclude from all of that? I don’t know if there is a conclusive analysis. It is more of another corner piece in this octagonal puzzle called my life.  Would I say I am unhappy? No. Would I say I am scared? Sure, who isn’t when they have to make their own life decisions. When we have to worry about our own health vs when the next snow day will be. Am I emo, should this be taken as some sort of cry for help? No, not even close, this is just me spilling to the world once again a bit of who I am and how I got here. Would I change anything yet? Nah, maybe how I approached my first kiss in middle school, :P.  I figure yes, one day I could try to pursue acting again, but right now I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.  I remember my hatred for even the simple tasks such as memorizing lines for a show. It was a nightmare. And things like that make me think perhaps my intentions were not what I needed to do that.

So I watched the movies this weekend, and my troubles went away until the movie began to end, and I knew I could no longer live through the lives of those on the screen.

I guess what I am trying to get away from lately, is not having certain key elements in my life that I need so much.

The green room, I remember it soo well. Or the theatre in highschool, the place to escape. The place where you could hear the tuning of a piano, or people sitting on coaches and just talking. A place where the formalities of a classroom or even taking a public bus did not exist. This was a place where, as Arnold said, before he was elected Governor, “We all did stuff like that back stage, it isn’t sexual harassment”. I never heard a statement soo true before in my life.

The actor types spent so much time with each other in these relaxed situations, love interests and flirting always sparked. But it never lasted, it was caused by proximity. But back on topic.

The green room had this feeling of home to it. In NY during college it was the place to lay down if you were having a panic attack, a place to eat your dinner, or a place to procrastinate homework because there was always someone to talk to. And I am not talking about “Whats up” “NM” “YOU?” “NM”

I am talking about someone pissed off at the current elections, or a casting call, or some sort of drama. While I usually tried to keep out o the dramatic talks, the ones I enjoyed the most, were when someone would say something as simple as, “The sky is particularly blue today” and all of a sudden whether you wanted to or not, it snowballed into an intellectual conversation and you left that room somehow applying that conversation to your life. It helped you keep going. Even if the conversation made you leave the room, it gave you an emotional response. I miss that.

I miss the comfort of having such close friends, that we would just sit ontop of each other to get a section of the couch, because it was a couch and that is comfortable. And who cared who was who and what not. There was no inhabitation, it was just people living.  Sure it wasn’t all roses, but it was “home like” and people were allowed to speak their minds even if they were pissed.  No one had to worry about getting fired on those couches. No one had to worry about sexual harassment on those couches. And no one did.

I am VERY happy my job and the company I work for is very “family” like because if it was too corporate I might off myself. But I often find because there is no “couch” there is fear of the unknown, bad day, or wrong glance, that causes people at work to be very separated from who they really are.

This is all over though. I guess there is something special about the “couch” that one must just keep close to the heart.  As a department that works with pop culture very often, it is nice to know we have our own special couch for our brainstorms etc.

I find in these movies I have been watching as well, the answer to so many problems is keeping a good attitude toward things even if you are getting it hard from others. This has always been my motto. I try to tackle everything in life with a smile. Even if it sucks, I don’t let it get me down too hard, but sometimes when others start pulling hard enough on you because they are having a bad day, it becomes difficult to not expect the side swipe at any moment, keeping you on edge rather than thinking positive.

But, regardless, I will always be me, and in the end I hope it pays off. Because to not be me, is pointless.

And what else is there but seeing the relationships in these movies, that are fun and energetic. Not because every moment is perfect but because they overcome their hardships by pushing one another to new levels. A give and take.

I remember when I went back to NYC for fall, I was at a bar, and I went out for a smoke in the rain. Contrary to people’s beliefs not from NY, everyone is very talkative and nice, because I ran into a beautiful woman and I dropped my NY vernacular with, “Wow it is raining FUCKING hard”. To which she turned and we began discussing her life and mine. It was an in depth conversation with a complete stranger. NYC being the loneliest  city in the world, because we were always soo busy getting from point A to B  all we can do is stare at the multitudes other/different people and wonder what it would be like to sit down with a glass of wine with them.

Even in the Subway it was really hot and I said under my breath, “Man it is FUCKING hot down here” to which an old man turned to me and said, “FUCKIN’ A!”

This brought a huge smile to my face.

So what does this have to do with relationships?

I guess I wonder if I can find that same kind of fight in a person not living in or from the City. I want to be able to marry and raise kids some day, so I hope California is a place I can do it in, because I want to be at my job for quite some time, but it scares me that there is such a huge difference between the people. Sure this is some harsh shit on California, and obviously it isn’t everyone, but the everyday people I pass by in the “OC” with their lack of turn signals and housewives homeowners association feel, it is a little scary.

I have had this chat with people before and I think if I found someone who had some of the same beliefs and values that I do, then my kids would grow up just fine anywhere, but in a land of white how do you find the girl when you came from a land of red purple black white yellow, etc.

I have always pictured myself marrying over seas, but perhaps that is just because the differences in culture are so great the intrigue is the motivation behind it. Rather wouldn’t it be great to find someone regardless of location to adventure and grow through that intrigue with.

I suppose I need to find my way out of the areas which ooze OC housewives, and learn the place I am in more, to really know where to find the off beaten path.  Someone told me about a Dueling Piano bar… perhaps I will start there. That sounds right up my alley 🙂

I know why this is all forefront on my mind lately. Whenever you make a big decision in your life you begin to analyze all the pieces all at once. My big decision was buying a new car. Finally giving up some of my vice grip over my savings and treating myself to a new car. But not just a work and back car, but something I can enjoy. Actually taking out a loan to prepare for the future of perhaps owning a house and building credit, which don’t even get me started on how ridiculous I think the whole system of credit is. It is like the actors guild, you need to act in a guilded show to get it yet you can’t act in a guilded show without it kinda bs.

California being a new beast to me aside, I had to leave my friends and family behind when I moved here, so I find it difficult to really just call that friend to go out and chill.  Work has a very different culture than I am used to so sometimes it is hard to form the friendships I would like, when the commonalities are very different at times.

I don’t drink anymore so “The bar scene” to pick up a girl is not the way for me to go about things. Plus I am not out to get laid, I am out to meet someone intriguing or someone who wants to sit down with a cup of coffee vs sit in silence at a movie.  I wish dating sites were more mainstream, because it seems like a great way to meet someone in these days of texting taking priority over phone conversations. At least a way to get the introduction out of the way to go get that cup of coffee.  Younger people my age don’t seem to be using them as much though. It seems to be something for people 40 and older. Which I find odd since we should know more about this computer magic than them 😛

I live by inspiration and aspiration and all things that allow my imagination to run rapid through a colorful, candid-incandescence.

I will make like Plato and admit that I know nothing. I don’t know the concepts of physics, the material classifications of the the periodic table, nor could i recite anything written by Hawthorne, or Freud. but i do know this: that where there is passion, there is a heart behind it, and where there is a heart there is love, and where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. you cannot teach me that. there is no book, no poem, no scientific explanation, no renowned modern achievement that could help me FEEL these concepts. you can create a flow chart and explain to me the basic principles of being a human being and i would still fumble through life just as robotic as half the population. Finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I think part of me wishes I could download a lot of pieces of my life(someone just told me about that expression) into the brains of those who are important to m, so they could know I wrote a script that is sitting on my computer read only by 2 other people(scared of it being taken, need to copyright it, but 50 dollars for something that may actually suck..) because I want them to know I may be skillful in that, or perhaps that I was in musicals all the way until the end of my career in college, but despise karaoke because it feels too competitive and I prefer to prepare for a show if I have to sing, maybe that I used to weigh 155 pounds and dance hip hop for awhile. Why do I want them to know that? Because then, maybe instead of trying to make accusations of my skillsets or ambition to stay on top of the learning curve, they will know that if they give me the right situational response I will be able to perform for them, and I can be comforted by that day or two of practice rather than playing the backtrack game or the “but I have done x and y” to explain z.

I believe knowing someones strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I think if I ever wrote a book, it would either be something that could maybe help someone with their life or suck soo badly that it would never be read, because sometimes my life is so motivated by the life around it, that it is impossible to recap. I guess that is why I find it important that the people around me see me for who I am, and I am who I want to be around them, otherwise they are getting the illegible book of my life.

As someone said as I was writing this, perhaps I will hold a seminar, in which I gather a bunch of people, show them what it feels like to have someone give you a layer of life so thick, but still have so much to give after that, the fear of losing themselves is gone, and perhaps they can love unconditionally, with self preservation built in, in a non obtrusive way.

Anyway, there is the thoughts on the forefront of my mind since purchasing my new car. I don’t know how you would want to categorize this.  But don’t think of it as sadness, just reflection. And do me a favor, if you are reading this, you probably have some sort of part in my life, don’t take it as condescending, it is just me being me, sharing a thought process, these are not conclusions. I find sometimes it is easiest to pin a person by what they say or write down in a conversation or blog if you have it, but this is a part of my life perhaps as much as a millisecond of my entire life, and the thoughts are growing, fleeting, or part of a whole.

“What if we are the ones in jail”

I read this in a book recently. The idea that we are stuck in a society, which itself may be the jail. The rules put upon us, the levels of threat we are alerted to, the regulations government deems fit, the taxes we pay.

But what if we break it down to a fundamental of human moral, Truth. We live in a society in which the truth is always one step out of our grasp. One can even assume that levels of the truth do not exist for any one person. Although we all put our trust in one person. That person being our president. But the presidency is made up of people and organizations. The president himself probably probes for the truth. He may have sat in that room the first day of his presidency where they revealed the secrets of the world to him, yet someone in the next room probably held their own secret which was passed to another office and so on. The secrets become a game of telephone. They change and fall far from the truth.

Our world is an evolution yet we have so many implementations of rules and governing ideals that are not updated to go with our evolution, because we are too busy trying to make the first set of rules work.

Technology itself is an example of how we have trouble keeping up with ourselves. An 85 year old man would look at an idea like twitter and laugh himself to sleep. Is it because we are not accustomed to knowing the world around us in truths, but snippets, and “Good Media”.

The introduction of money into any society causes there to be competition, often considered to be good, but also a key factor in changing the rules of engagement. This could be as simple as buying an apple at the market to launching an attack on foreign soil. So maybe we should put ourselves into the situations we often wonder the truth about. We should become soldiers… but a soldier will form his own truths from what he sees. What he sees may be part of the telephone game, where the people he encounters got the wrong message, skewing his truths off center.

So when do we get to know the truth, is it when we die and go to heaven we can look down and see all the answers? Or is it giving up on actively working toward the truth to fall into faith.

Faith gives us a chance to forget the truth and hope for a reality. It cleanses us from our own lies. Not to say faith is not helpful to bring the miracles within a person to the surface, but when as a nation we default to it 7 out of 10 times, you start to wonder if we are being passive with our own existence.

Under God we Trust, yet we will not trust the stranger next us, an embodiment of god, with our money, our families, or our well being.

When will we take an active role in our own lives, when will our questions or concerns, truly be answered? Does our own evolution stunt our ability to ask questions, because as they are asked they change in context?

We hold truth close to our hearts, we value it as a moral, yet we turn a shoulder when the lies are not prominently in front of us. We do not ask when they are not shown to be or are part of our lives; when the lies are a bill of congress not being updated with the times, or the times breaking a good bill of congress.

I often ask myself what it would be like to know the entire truth, and I often imagine it would hurt or turn me insane.

Would I rather go on living in this world which could be the “jail itself” as the author wrote, with my luxuries and comforts, or on the edge of insanity, everyday having to digest the truths of the world, the truths as they forge themselves in time.

I just watched the movie numb. It was a combination of cheesey romance with some very close to home plot lines. One was the idea of rectifying things with family members. It was amazing to see the character have the same need for a simple acknowledgment of things that had happened when he was a kid, with his mom. I think personally this was very true because we don’t need to dwell on the past but it is nice to know there is the joint acknowledgment that it was not the right thing to do. Often parents will say “is that what you wanted me to say” in a way where usually you would be guilted to saying no, but this time in the movie and before in MY life I have said yes.

I have been through those times where I had to go back to everyone in my family to try to find solace for myself in my life. I had to dig through shitty times and bring up things you don’t want to talk about. And what did it ultimately fix? probably not too much, but amazingly enough it laid the ground work to 3 years later bring it up again and actually get something out of it.

Another very noticeable moment was that a lot of his life altering mind shit happened when he smoked pot. While his associative disorder was there already the pot brought it to the surface. I often feel I did the same thing with my panic attacks. It was actually really scary when it happened and without knowing I had panic attacks my entire life I thought I may have broke myself after that one night. It turns out when I really looked back after really getting panic attacks for the first time, I was getting them my whole life, i was just unaware of what caused it or what it was. There was soo much thaty contributed(aspartame in diet soda, brand new diet, my body changes, being on my own etc etc) to my panic attacks finally surfacing that i know it wasn’t just one night of pot, but it was always in the back of my head. A panic attack to me is often associated with nausea, so feeling sick non stop for a few months later was quite the adventure, and even if the pot didn’t trigger it I often think it helped to get it to the surface.

Recently I have been researching Salvia. I wonder what effect it would have on me since my mind seems to be very impressionable when it comes to that. I often wonder if smoking pot again or losing control of myself in that altered reality that Salvia can produce may fix things or let me expand creatively. I used to smoke pot to chill my brain out. My mind is always going a million miles a minute and smoking here and there used to give it a break, now that is gone.

While I don’t have what he has in this movie I have often found myself unable to explain taking a medication or going through these things to others who haven’t had it or something in that area of shit. It is as if you are looked at differently or down upon for not having your shit together. I was always against drugs but I had to take some to get from day to day when the panic got bad, and all it did was equalize me not change me or make me tired or drugged. When you have a chemical in your head working against you putting on in to fight it makes it better. yes if you take this drug without the bad shit in you you are liable to fall asleep.

It is also amusing that this guy lived in LA and would fly back to his roots. To me the move to California was definitely and still remains to be one of the most challenging parts of my life. When you see a movie trailer for chihuahua’s you don’t realize if you live on the east coast that that shit is AIMED at the west coast and speaks very true to the culture. When you live here and realize what it means, it is almost a slap in the face of reality. I am not saying I shouldn’t be grateful for the opportunities out here, but one cannot deny simple truths, that east and west are WAYYY different, and there is some negative connotations toward both from both.

I do know this however, I love the people around me who give me support and love.

Anyway I am wayyy off topic.

I would say check this movie out if you have ever had some sort of mental state that wasn’t normal, check it out if you like a cheesey love story, and also check it out if you like slower movies with pretty solid acting. I enjoy that the director was able to embodies a feeling in the way he did, even if some of the vices(in a bathtub with a washcloth over your head) are a bit cliche.

Because believe it or not, I bet some of these, as cheesy as they are, ring true.

It was in front of my face this whole time and yet it took a quiet night in the hottub tonight to figure it out.

All around was sandstone bricks, beach chairs, the sound of the waterfall, and a very warm evening. Warm glows from the under lit palm trees enveloped my vision. Beautiful tropical leaves and foliage covered over my head. The sky was clear enough to see a star or two. It was truly breathtaking. The smells in the air as the gentle breeze whisked them all into my nose brought up a sensation of vacation.

This is the key word here: vacation.

Since my move I have always said going to the beach or smelling the ocean at work even the constant sun has made me remember to all the vacations I would take as a child. Why didn’t I put this together sooner however is beyond me.

For me, the sensation of vacation has always been complete when I knew I had a week or two where I had no worries, school was out, or whatever it may be, but it allowed me to relax.

Now imagine being born on the east coast where the sensations of the area where I live, Orange County, mix with the feeling of a 24 hour vacation without the ability to relax because of work or other things we have to do when we are on our own.

Sensory Memory Overload.

I already have a hard time just relaxing unless I know I have no worries for at least a week, if not more.

I would go to the beach house that my Uncle had built and only when I knew I could throw all my worries aside could I truly relax. Knowing I had 10 days and 8 of them could be me just sitting at the beach not having to look at the clock for when I had to go was heaven.

While sitting outside today, I realized I couldn’t necessarily relax even though my environment was triggering all the sensations of a place to relax in.
While I find some true beauty in what is around me, it is this engrained feeling of vacation when I see palm trees or sand or smell the ocean salt that causes me to have a hard time relaxing on a day by day basis. You would think this would help since it is related to vacation, but when I know I cannot take that week or two it is difficult.

Then I realized, my vacations these days are traveling back to the east coast to see friends the city and family. There is one problem, I am going back to a sensation of work, school, and my bringing up for relaxation when in all reality I used to go to places like California to relax. It is a strange switch.

No real answer to any of this, nor a real problem so to say, just a realization.

When you are 90 you will still curl up in a ball like a child if you are in pain. The bucket list did a good job at portraying that.

We get more responsibilities but we still have our core emotions and insecurities.

It is amazing how we go through complete rewirings as we get older. So i have heard it gets easier as you get older.

But then again will it ever be easy? We just have to climb those stairs one at a time and sometimes just step off and sleep on that floor for a little.

Since I have gotten back from my trip from Paris I have not been able to get a hold of my brain.

From the first night I got back till now I have been in mood swings, semi depressed, random panic attacks, physically tired, and fighting sickness here and there.

Do I know why?

Nope…

Does it suck?

Yep…

But what is strange is when i was driving to work the other day, the signs I show as depressed or self explosive, those signs would probably send up red flags for someone else listening in but when it happens to me, there is a little trigger in my head somewhere that won;t allow me to self destruct as I used to anymore and usually I can pull out of it when the going gets tough and get what i need done done.

It just sucks because I wish I could figure out how to get out of it without having to make things difficult on teh way there.

I do wish there was someone I could talk to that had less pressure than me but understood my pressure while also being able to just be there.

bah I am ranting and almost writing a sob story here or a cry for help but in reality I am writing to figure it out myself. I guess facebook is not the best place but whatever lol.

I need to fix my car windows, I need to sell my car then, then I need to finish a big project at work, I have to work out, I have to go to the doctor for a physical, I have to get a checkup with another doctor, I have to Eat healthy, I have to be active, I have to

don’t wanna write this anymore.

UPDATE:

I think I know a big issue, in Paris I had time to do things I needed to or wanted to do then I came back after so many thoughts, eye openers, and life things that manifested ideas thoughts conclusions answers questions right to crunch and had little to no time for me or my shit I need to get fixed. So even though I may need to wait I am going to start tackling one thing at a time to get things in order.

And I called my daddo, kinda forgot about family help for a second 😛 Thankful that is there for me.

I wonder if it is an American or just a human thing that around 24 and up we realize we are not invincible and the effects of age regardless of amount big or small start to show themselves more.

There are things lately that scare the living shit out of me. While if I were to be dying I think I have come to the conclusion that it is probably not that scary to die since we don’t know exactly what will happen and it is just going to happen eventually, once we are dead, it is just that.

But there are things I hope I can find in life. Love being up there obviously lol. More of a person to share my life with and I need to find someone special to really let in deeper than I have before.

I do get a little freaked out about things in my life I need to fix like smoking, cancer seems like a shitty way to end life early.

Getting in shape in Paris reminded me of how much I enjoy being active and doing stuff, however I swear the next time someone wants to do something fun other than drinking I may crap myself in amazement.

Sometimes when you work a 5 day a week job, you wonder even if it is awesome, how you do things that you used to, like free time for example, time for your brain to let go, or just sitting on your ass for a month lol.

I suppose it all begins to figure itself out, just been thinking a lot lately so there are some random thoughts.

Taken from my blog: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/
Saturday, July 5, 2008

I will desperately miss the idea that I can walk to the corner store like back in NY or sit in my window sill in my tiny apartment but with a warming homey feeling, watching the cities that never sleep, other than the metro here which closes ridiculously early lol.

While I may not party all the time or even drink for that matter (associative drunk works for me) I love to be in a place that is alive.

It is nice to see everyone who drives a manual here because I refuse to drive everything else. It is almost as if here it seems and a lot so in NYC as well that people are on equal ground pushing for the things they love.

I have gotten to a place I love with my job but now i struggle with the idea that the place I am I feel like I have to argue over my beliefs in the littlest thing such as a comedian from the east coast or for someone to use a turn signal or walk a block.

I miss being able to walk the streets that are lit for a city alive with color and life. I remember the wind blowing in my face from the side of a bridge or the stones lit as i walked home briskly noticing only my steps. I can feel my legs getting accustomed to walking long distances again and walking flights of steps with that joy of knowing my place was on the 4th floor walk up.

It is these little things that make me miss NYC and what I will miss in Paris.

I love to walk the street until I find the food that fits my hunger, no driving 100 miles but finding a small portion of chinese food or japanese or subway or anything really just being all in one area and often being very centric to the area and the people living within the miles of radius. Gormet this and that means nothing to me, I’ll show you a hole in the wall that will deliver authentic italian that will make you never eat anything else again.

I miss picking my outfit for the weather and having a style that changed as i grew in the city I lived.

I remember when I didn’t have to wear sneakers to walk 10 miles, but perhaps a nice pair of kenneth koles.

There is a lot I miss and I hope one day I can find them and embrace them in the place I am now.

I often think once I find someone who is and can be called that significant other it will increase the place I live, but finding them will always be a challenge.

To walk to the Eiffel tower or the Brooklyn bridge and kiss in the street with people walking by thinking nothing of it, but with the eyes of the world upon you is not the same in say a beach front in California where it all closes at 12 and the people are easily put into a category of drunk or wanting to get laid. While I do know that is here and there as well I also know there are people going about their daily lives to get home or to catch a bus or train, and that mixture that full feeling of culture is what I miss.

I will visit NYC again to walk the streets and feel my favorite season of fall again, and hopefully I can find either in Orange county or LA or Hollywood a place and some people which I can feel will push me not in my work life but my emotional life and the life I breath day to day. My breath is very consuming and I hope to inhale the world around me as much as possible.

It would be strange to say it feels like sometimes you have the upper hand in an east coast west coast scenario, but in all reality one on the west coast would probably think the same. It is just strange to see a sliver of that idea that perhaps I am not being challenged by my environment enough. My work pushes me daily and it keeps me very strong in my head, and when I was doing my movies and my life on my own on the east coast I believe the environment pushed me the same. Now it is my turn to find the same in both back in California.

I have ended many things in my life because I didn’t feel a challenge or just that need for growth or just plain old chit chat or stimulation. Perhaps I will be on the outside looking in for a bit longer with my life until i find that place where I can take this puzzle and start placing the center pieces of my life rather than just working with the corners.

Time will tell.

Goodnight.

(it was brought up to me and so I will write, I remember when I first moved out here it seemed my job and my life were supposed to be such a mystery for circumstances no need in explaining, that I hindered some of my ability to truly find what I need right away, but as my head decompresses as it has with this trip, but over 2 and half years now in California, I am reminded and recognize where I need to be looking in order to see again, me, you, the world, a sense of happy. I want to bring back some things that I closed off, some of my personality that was lost, and I think and my grace it will be, these trips always tend to rekindle and remind me. So I move forward again and so we will see.)

Taken from: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/

I always told everyone how the culture in Europe was were I left my own and based mine on. This trip has just solidified this idea. I remember telling people I would fit in here, and the things that people may make fun of me for or say are gay or whatever the trendy word is these days all fell into place and worked out like I thought. Sometimes people have an idea of WHAT a place is or HOW it works, but never take the time to spend getting to know what that is, I could visit a million landmarks but I really enjoy talking with the people and from there I have learned much and had done so before I had left, for many years. Sometimes people say things because they are afriad of being humbled by “not knowing” or highschool ideals, but they were just words and I prepared for my trip here and I could not have fallen into place more. While with all things unless you are there you don’t know as much but once here for a little I can tie in the other parts of my life experiences to find the similarities and help form the web of European culture.

While I am not the sappy one who would say my LOVE will be found in Paris, I will say I cannot see a european girl the same as an american or more so a californian one.

It isnt that I am not greatful for the chance to work in California and meet so many wonderful people but the friendships I have made in the past few days are already as strong as those that back home may have taken much longer to form.

For whenever that day comes where I meet someone to spend the rest of my life with, Im am pretty sure I will find it in someone who has an open mind for more life than that of sunny california and really see’s past the basics of MTV and a world covered in ADS.

I wrote something ahwile ago:

As time goes on, the apple rots.(title pending)

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite. No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom. Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet. So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat. Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

A lot of people don’t know I spent much of my childhood in Switzerland Zurich. While at the time I was young and afraid of anything new, I was forced to go out for my own and to really gain some independence. I remember I saw my first pornographic movie in Zurich lol, just flippin through the channels. I didn’t even know what i was watching. I also remember the posters on the walls with naked girls and guys. I remember it being ok. I remember walking in the Love Parade when it was pretty new. It was amazingly freeing.

And I gain all of that again being here now. The idea that things like human body, connections with other people, sharing, having conversations more than just surface level, being able to get past that akward part of a “get to know you” state which happens too much because of all the reservations towards the things above. You take those things out of the picture and you are forced to talk about things that have more meaning.

But more than all of that you give yourself to another person and in turn they give you themselves. If it works you either gain a great friend or a girlfriend, if it doesn’t work you move on and you just know that while it may hurt a bit it is the process to find that thing which you do search for eventually, LOVE.

Tonight I walked around the streets and just enjoyed the city life again that reminded me of my NYC life. While I can say very little in French I can move through the people as if I belonged and not ina need to belong but a sense of normality. And the best part is I doubt I would be conidered normal, more hyper and annoying 😛

Coming from the East coast to a West coast life has been hard for many reasons. One main reason is my life and story was left on the east coast for this new life in the gaming world. One would never think I enjoyed theatre or directed off broadway or even joined a gang at 14. Who would consider me a punk skater type… It is hard to share these things because it sounds like bragging or like me trying to justify. But in reality it is my life and I love to share it. I will give anyone who would like a layer of my life that may seem scary to some because in a wave of madness I can give you many years of my life, but there is so much more I want YOU to pull out of me.

Whenever I visit different places especially Europe this time, I enjoy the different ways of life. And while others may look forward to going home I kind of wish my home were more like this. I struggle with the “california” way of life often. I mean I do have friends and love them dearly but it is hard to get past the fake blonds and bro’s.

Anyway I am ranting and this is supposed to be a blog about my trip lol.

I hope I havn’t lost you too much or made you think my life is so sad or anything like that. I just speak my mind in moments there is a larger picture here and if you are ever interested just ask.

I promise eventually I will post more pictures, I visited Normandy and stepped on the beach my Grandfather stepped on, which was quite moving for me. I called my Grandma from it and was with very supportive friends. I saw the place where joan of arc was burned. I went to Mont St Michele. I visited the Eifle tower today and climbed to the top, but it is hard to upload all these things on wireless so soon enough! 🙂

We have had great adventures.

Ok random though, I absolutely love going down the street and hearing all the cars playing trance music. I love the smell of cities they all smell the same aside from the piss and cars.

And that is all for now.

Sometimes it is hard when family comes to visit because being raised on the east coast and having those ties with my family, it often gives me serious nostalgia about the east coast.

I am not going to finish this thought because I lost the moment by not writing sooner but at least I have this line to remember, I will move on.

At times life has a way of just making you reflect and in many of those times I have turned to music. Music is such a driving force in my life. Many people will tell you they love music, all kinds, etc etc, but for me it is something that a simple lyric cannot express. I will often find myself humming or singing a song, at my best times I have sat at my piano back east and played for hours, just hitting notes trying to make a feeling, or a season.

I feel I was raised with music always in my life, from my Mother playing me different things or just being a part of many musical outlets. I can calm my nerves by just standing outside making up repetative lyrics to non existant songs. Life has a tendancy to make you start to think it over here and there and when those times come, I turn to sounds. My brain has a way of diving so deep into past decisions current needs and decisisons that it can become overwhelming, but music will always break my emotion and fill me with something non existant that cannot be taken.

I think one day I will write about my life, but first I must find someone that understands me and my stories that they can help in an autobiographical sense.

A small blurb for the day.

Everything is going to be OK.

Sometimes I think I am stronger than the world.

Like perhaps I can beat the odds, like I can be the odd statistic.

How dare you assume I would be the first to go, I have experience I have passion heart drive… many other adjectives of strength!

Regardless of being sensitive to every food group ever invented, and burning like a crisp in the sun, I often contemplate the idea that if push came to shove I would beat the world, I could get over the ways of my body.

Panic attacks, inability to smoke pot or drink. No problem! Who needed it!

Then I neglect my body and I neglect what is core to surviving because to survive these days has become a thing of leisure.

But of course, I am stronger than the world.

I could go to war and in that situation I could overcome, I could push to limits I didn’t know I had.

I would lose my 25 comfort pounds and overcome my colds and quirks…

Then the world catches up to me, stronger than it has before on this day
today.

The world pissed off at me for being naive, me pissed off at me for being so damn lazy.

A virtual world sometimes takes precedence over my own health. A virtual canvas I have spewed my life onto for the last couple of years. The world that pushes my levels so high I should pop but I am in my comfortable chair and have my over fattening foods. Comforts that allow me to just be, to survive at stupid levels in my head.

Why does it take the world punching me so hard in the gut to come to an agreement to come to conclusions or realizations or all of the above.

I see some things more clear, but will I see them 10 minutes from now?

I see a need to bring my stress down, I see a need to start being active again and preserving the thing I love, life.

Shitty that I have to do it out of breath from the sucker punch I was just given.

I can survive on life itself sometimes and not the things I input into within/created.

I may use the idea of a world bearing down on itself for self destruction as a way to wait till the puncturing wound is in my face and I am forced to overcome, but today I think is a day to remember that overcoming is not always the answer, sometimes taking the time to prepare and think ahead trounces such a weak thought.

I prayed.

Did I believe?

Does it affect the outcome?

Do I live through your outcome for the next few days?

Maybe my dreams just keep me from taking time to relax, maybe my mind just needs a moment of darkness.

Today I take heed.

Today I held onto those who give me strength because mine was missing once the search for an answer was no longer in the hand of mine.

Everything is going to be OK!

In a whirlwind of time, my days have become mixed and indiscernible. I sleep light, dreaming deep. I work hard, hardly working(mostly juggling different pieces of work, placing a piece here and there but not feeling accomplished regardless of the truth in it), and I withdraw from addictions closer than perceived. But even with this strange vortex of time itself, I have been surrounded by quite the motions forward in my life. The scale numbers remain the same, they do not frighten me. The roof over my head is ready to change but we wait to sign the papers. A new associate I have met, we play off each other well looking to find a common roof. But this is not what I came here to write about. I came here to write about a sensation, a feeling, a new place with a familiar feel.

I have often written about the thoughtless highschool nights where you could kiss for an eternity and that would suffice, or a time of innocence helping to make a simpler life. This weekend told it to be true. I experienced my old life again. Not exactly as you may assume for a prior experience but with enough hints of it that it seemed comforting.

She is 5’6 black hair green sparkling eyes and fits perfect in my arms. My car ride began with a new CD I burned, Journey blasting loud. A bumpy ride indeed it was there, my knuckles white on the road as I raced to find her place. Valleys rose, skylines dropped as I fell into a valley, a wonder on the eyes. Somewhere you could live in peace almost every day, if it weren’t for the American dreams and the feeling of need to be in clumps of smog and cluster fucks of people trains and cars, I would head out that way. But the beauty of the surroundings were only an accent to the she who walked to greet me.
She took me in her arms and we stood for quite a few separate moments just enjoying each other’s touch. I met her sisters, mother, and live stock. Ok well 2 cats 4 dogs well maybe 3 dogs and a rat like creature but it was cute non the less.

As I sat in her house, I felt very much at home. This place reminded me of my home back on the east coast, the smells of food reminded me of that of mine, and the people around me reminded me of people I had seen, known..

I can’t help but relate the moment to Keeping Up with the Kardashians, although far from this family, the overall feel was quite similar with all the sibling sisters, the feeling of shared personal life throughout the house, and just a general relaxed feel about life. It was not so over the top as the show, but the idea that I was being allowed to take part in this made me excited. (I didn’t feel like the estranged b/f sitting there with nothing better to do, I still worried about work the next day lol)

So the “normalality” of a first date ensued as we found ourselves face to face many many times awkwardly wanting to kiss but waiting for the faultless moment to perfect it. We ate a dinner in candle light, we drove to music, her hand on mine as I shifted through the night. We found ourselves watching a movie and the moment came, a button hit, movie paused, and the flood gates were released. One kiss turned into a thousand.

We finished the movie with many interruptions from our lips. Anxious for it to end as well to just continue staring into each other’s eyes.

It was nice, I could feel the way she felt. I was in her mind for the briefest of moments here and there but those moments opened up so much more. She allowed me to snuggle into her body and I relived a childhood tv show I fell in love with, where the boy snuggled into his g/f on a boat, and for some reason it brings me much ease.

So the clock was around 11 when the mother stepped in and told us to go to the couch downstairs. At first it was akward but overall it was an amazing crutch at 24 and 21. It brought me back to the days of being in higschool but it had an extra layer of nervousness on it. At this age you want to make a good impression so I was now feeling excited, scared, nervous, and curious. She still pulled me close and kissed me, and I still kissed her back, but a crick in the floor made me wince or pull away from the moment of being lost in a kiss. We kissed for about 4 hours straight, Will Smith and the Fresh Prince lighting up the night.

I felt sometimes I may have felt fake or distant but it was just me trying to balance kissing in front of the mom and keeping it polite and respectful. I have no problem with PDA but I felt like sometimes it just wouldn’t work at that time. I felt bad if I pulled away or turned my head to watch crappy movies, but I think she knows why.

BUT I must stress, the 4 or 5 hours of straight kissing were quite the best. Sometimes we would get carried away but her broken arm acted as a chaperone for our hormones. It was rather poetic 😛
I am still getting to know the family of hers, and while this may have been the first date I would not have had it any other way. I love to meet families because of the Italian blood coursing through me. I love to taste the food of those who claim they can cook, and I love to enjoy it when they say I will.
I always find it interesting when a family is calmer than mine but is much like mine. My family has always been very New York, but I tell you I have always been interested in the opposite approach to my kind of family and this is much like what I think it would be.

So next time I will drag her to my corner of the world. As much as the barrier of a house between us as we slept read overly true to what I wrote, her arms around me as I sleep would have been just as good.
The first date should always go like this, it kept me on my toes, a little bit of stress but nothing that wasn’t too much. If anything I was afraid to overstay my welcome being a new face in a very established household.

We have a lot to look forward to for date 2 and 3. So let it be let it be.
I do want to mention the movie moment we had on the way out the door. I went to drive off and as I turned on my car as she pushed her head in to kiss me goodbye, my Lionel Richie “hello” came on and I swear it was just priceless the laughter that ensued and even in his strange glow we kissed anyway.
As I write this I am extremely calm and composed but I also feel I am losing the grasp of the piece here so I end it now. I will talk more about it with people close to me, I feel my words may make more sense out of my mouth than on paper now.

And so I leave a date and stamp: Sunday, January 13, 2008

Life is often a rush to the finish.

It seems strange that with no finish in sight or no knowledge of that finish we still strive to get there.

I feel some points in my life have been rushed. I moved out first year of college and never looked back. I moved directly into an apartment rather than experiencing dorm life.

I then moved back home for half a year before I jumped into my current job. That part always strikes me strange, as much as moving back home was like a way to catch up on those summers I missed with my mom and dad, spent in my NYC apartment, it was more of a simple knowledge that I still liked my freedom and probably wouldn’t want to have done it differently.

But when I went into my job it made less sense. When you graduate college it seems you are immediately expected to look for jobs and jump into life. But sometimes I wonder if we are ready to jump into life. Because of the knowledge that a job is mandatory and it is accepted as an accomplishment if you are “working” after college be it a job of love or a job for money, it is easier to get lost in the race to achieve rather than to stand back and instigate.

I find myself in moments of clarity here and there, this being an extreme one. I could compare it to vicodin as my senses are acute yet blunt objects, the sharpness taken away so not to cut but to still allow force to be taken. An experience this weekend allowed my brain to release something or another that has let me have a little bit of time just to sit in my chair and hear the sounds around me, put my leg up on an arm of the chair and just sit, picturing where I am.

I strive to have more moments like this. To live my life calm. To feel a control over my next move, not from power but from comfort. I strive to push myself every day, but I strive to find a way to do so in which I am breathing and feeling. I think I am in the right direction, and hopefully this blog entry will keep it in my head when I forget.

Oh yeah did I mention day 10?

I swear I am bi polar lately. I am either so happy I get sick to the stomach from hyper activeness or I am so upset I can’t even feel. I want to stand in a field and not do anything. I don’t know if it is because I am stressed, or possibly because I am fighting a pretty fun cold going around the office. What I do know is that this time as it is this exact time last year I had a girlfriend. One I cared a whole lot about. I invested a lot of my heart into it and unfortunately all that did was end up breaking her heart. I didn’t want to chance the girl of my life by holding back who I was, and I would never take it back, but now going through another year without those moments is strange. I am only 24 but I often feel like life is passing by very quickly. I am also scared, I have made smoking a huge part of my life and due to stresses at work when I try to quit it is hard to function and a day without my brain at work is like me calling in sick. My job pushes me every day and makes me not become stagnant and I want to push harder and harder but it is harder when you feel sick, have a strange bipolar thing going on, and the cigarettes are starting to affect your life and you just want to quit again. I do have a plan. I either plan to quit a week or two before my break I am taking for Christmas so the bad weeks I have time to myself or I plan to start a workout tin the new office and mid way try to quit and replace it with the workout. I just miss it when I go outside and see the stars or breath the air. I don’t take enough time for myself when I don’t smoke. Especially right after I quit it is almost like closing yourself off to the world.

So why am I opening up to the world? I dunno I just wish I knew the answers here. My dad seems to think I just need to take time for myself and go do something like get away or take a trip to NY, but I swear as much as I miss NY I want to make this my home and going home is a strange thing now. It is awesome but at the same time it is no longer where I live and I am investing my life, so I get anxious to come back. And lets just say my family is not the most relaxing of get aways lol, love them dearly though : )
I went through my photos I have taken over the years of myself, because to be honest I can’t see myself without a picture and even then I have my own vision, but I went through and grabbed one from each album and made a timeline to sort of document my life and how I am now. It has helped me see myself in different lights, it also helps to show people so they can see where I have been and what I am now. I sometimes worry about my current weight although I am doing MUCH better than around this time last year. The desk job rocked me hard when I first got here.
So what does this all mean? It means I have issues like everyone else, and I guess it helps me to share it to myself and then hopefully whoever reads it can see where I am as well. It is important to me that I hold onto who I am, and lately it has been strange feeling out of control of my own body with this strange sick/depressed feeling. A solution to come I hope : ) or at least a way to work at it. I dealt with the huge change in my life when I started to get panic attacks and it left me scared and crying for a year, I can deal with my new issues in California with a job I love and finding new people to love and love me back.
The fires scared me. I wore shoes rather than sandals for the entire time in case I had to help or help myself. These strange disasters follow me around. First it was 911 and then here. I can’t wait till I get my new camera. I am looking forward to capturing the world the way I see it. I think perhaps that will be a good way to do other things than work and sleep.

Trust me this isn’t a cry for help or a bitch session. I am happy I just need to convince my head it’s true.