These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.
Lesson of the day, if in a rush, do not wear this shirt. Luckily I wasn’t in a rush 🙂 FREE HU
Day 77 It is always the third month that yields the most physical change. Adding an intensive hike e
P.S. (I know I am doing it wrong haha) This song was on repeat while writing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmCn9W7M7CQ or spotify: Ingrid Michaelson – Are We There Yet
I am sore and have taken a beating these last few months. But I feel good, no I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel strong, I feel physically capable, confident, and healthy. I breath the air yearning for it, not ignoring it as a daily activity.
Here is the hike we did Yesterday:
Here is a video from this weekends hike:
It has been an amazing realization to know that the outdoors, the place I went to everyday as a child, sleeping with one eye open for, was still there waiting for me. Taking that first breath of the cool air, and getting the sensory memory overload from a childhood otherwise pushed aside now. Something meditative for the guy who can’t seem to get out of his head or stop talking, writing, txting, browsing the world around him.
This form of meditation was not through a chant or pose, but from the perspective of a child, my childhood, my carefree exploring mind of young, it gave me what normally hours of mediation would create for someone else, a sense of relief from the world, thoughts, and everything around us except that open, clear, cloud free mind, that just feels like a frozen moment in time, as if you were about to have a car wreck and the world slowed down just for you to see the events panning out before you. But in that moment you just saw the dust particles falling through the sun light infront of you, heard the leafs rustling, waterfalls pouring. It was and is beautiful.
I get home from these hikes now and don’t know what to do with myself if I am not outside now. The downfall to this is I have lost a little motivation to establish the social norms of “work” because I don’t see a clear path to anything yet that can be as enjoyable as that moment of clarity, nothing I love as much as this thing I just learned to love again. Ironically the “paths” I take while hiking, regardless of signs or maps, all feel comfortable and exciting. But my own “path” has yet to let me on it. I don’t know if I need to go up or down to get there.
I am still wandering this world unsure of my purpose. I have so many passions, I direct, I do photography, I used to act, I worked for a video game company, I did construction, worked at Mc Donalds, but I can’t tell you ONE of those that I value more than health, love, passion, happiness, family, and not taking life too seriously. I love to smile, I love to share my ability to smile, but how does someone make that into a “career”… I am yet to figure that out. I am starting to get frustrated at the “what are you doing for work” question again, (this was something I am familiar with, because it happened last time I quit smoking. I fell deep into it and lost hope. I refuse to do that this time… so I am talking about it outloud, I am confronting those things that scare me so much with open arms and no need to inhale on smoke to make it OK.) I am hearing myself wanting to get lost in a video game world to hide from my inability to achieve my own goals by achieving those in the world I do not exist in. And I find that conflicting with my need to wake up everyday and be active and outside, disconnected from Facebook, txting, phones, computers. I want to take the love of my life up on a mountain and just run together, or 10 feet ahead or behind each other, and still know we are on the mountain, breathing the same air, and eventually we will sit down and have lunch together.
I think those two ideas are starting to clash too, because yesterday on my hike, it may have had to do with exhaustion, but my anxiety was a little elevated for no good reason and has remained a bit elevated all day. I felt like I could get the panic feeling, but it never came. But I also fought it subconsciously by running up the last part of the trail and back down, in a record speed, just letting my legs move, and ignoring the pain or my brain saying to slow down. I just wanted to be in motion. And even though I was no longer hiking right next to my friend I knew he would catch up eventually and it was truly freeing to just jump down and up rocks, until I hit pavement again, and heard the sound of cars, resenting their exhausts and sounds, wanting to be at the top again.
As I write this I am actually figuring some of this stuff out too. Trying to figure myself out, while being punched in the face with a newfound love, but unable to make a living off of it can cause issues in the conscious. I have always felt so empowered by what my own body can achieve. And I love to share. Maybe that is a clue. Maybe my life isn’t behind a camera, but exploring, pushing my mind and body to the limit, and sharing my stream of conscious with those around me. Helping others to better themselves, not because I myself am better, but because I am passionate about sharing my everyday thoughts. The unoriginal originality. Inspiring through the simple idea of “I think that too!”, “I struggle there too”, “I want that too”, “I love too”. I have said before, we are, regardless of our achievements or fame, still looking to talk to others and connect with those around us, because at the end of the day and during, consists of just that, interactions, meaningless in an otherwise meaningful “idea” that is society. Figuring out a medium in which people will enjoy reading my 10 page hieroglyphics will be a challenge however. 🙂
So with the good comes the bad. But one day at a time here. One antsy, want to be outside, climbing, scrambling, breathing heavily, day at a time.
We all have to start somewhere. This was from back when I was 200lbs. It was the first week of workout with my personal trainer in California. He helped me claim my life back. If interested in them, they are called Jungle Fitness. As for Jon Jung he is the MAN! So is Bon Gomes my trainer. I couldn’t even do a pullup. It has been a few years since that and I now maintain myself, and it is great to have their basework to start me off! Thanks guys!
So I am a little frustrated today by my scale. I am 160 exactly and my body fat % showed up as 11.7 today which I think is down a point from the last time I checked (so that is good). While this isn’t the end of the world, I keep thinking back to when I smoked and how I could been at 155 by now because of the appetite suppression and metabolism boost it gave me. But like I said and will say it again, I am doing it right this time and if that means it is a little slower so be it.
I am considering if after the 3rd month I don’t drop those #’s a bit at least the body fat, I could care less about the weight if I am in shape, then I wanna try replacing a mean a day with the shake from the P90X thing. It costs the same as my meals and is simpler haha.
Anyone have experience with the shakes?
I mean shit this weekend I did the hike of doom, it was intense and I was running up the side of a mountain without getting winded or tired, so you would think I would be less harsh on myself but I still am a bit harsh.
Lets just get to 3 months and see how it all turns out on this routine… GO HEALTH haha.
It was one intense ride!!! Lots of rock scrambling and high inclines. We will be returning for sure!
This is some video from the adventure:
It was one intense ride!!! Lots of rock scrambling and high inclines. We will be returning for sure!
This is some video from the adventure:
Real life Guile from Street Fighter achieved! I can die happy 😛
Just proud of the progress so far. I ate like a feind this weekend and was able to quickly un-bloat
The last time I attempted to quit smoking I turned into a hermit. I ducked and dodged everything I loved: my family, the outdoors, my window where I used to sit, my sister who smokes, bars, phone calls, and anything that reminded me of smoking. If I could have stopped going to the bathroom I would have.
I made it 4 months. But let me tell you about those 4 months, they were dark, depressing, and in my head. I felt like a failure in life, in my career, in general. I stopped working out, I had no motivation, nor could I smoke my pre workout cigarette or after, so it just started to add up.
I gained weight, I looked shitty, and I felt shitty. I had trouble forming coherent thoughts, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want jobs.
Needless to say, it all boiled up to a breaking point with some extreme depression and I smoked. Guess what? That first cigarette, gave me my speech back, my motivation back, me back. I felt invigorated. The girlfriend at the time had to go, I realized I was dating her because she fed into my newfound hermit. My lifestyle had to go and I went out again, met people, friends, colleagues. I nailed 3-4 freelance gigs including a very lucrative long term job within weeks.
I started working out again. Although, never fully invested due to mindset. So I lost a few lbs but still felt like shit physically.
BUT, I was once again on my feet, active, productive, and clear. The “clouded” thoughts, mind, and body was clear and I was ready for everything.
Problem was, I was smoking again. And I thought perhaps this time I shouldn’t quit at all. But as my life began to fall into place I saw the issue, and I knew I would have to tackle it again. Smoking on and off since I was 14-15 has been rough.
My brain was also ready to get rid of the cigarettes. Sometimes your body just doesn’t want them anymore and you have to capitalize on that. I had to see a friend of mine go through chemo treatments when she is super healthy and never smoked, and I watched her strength during it, and realized I may not be that strong. And while not a deciding factor it helped to get my head thinking it was time to attempt quitting again. My mother said it indirectly the other day in a way that I liked. I made the mistake of starting smoking, and I had to fix it. Because even though I like it, it is a mistake and it is extremely dangerous. Which you know as a smoker but you ignore anyway, part of which is because of the extreme addicting aspects of it. It blinds you regardless of side effects. Which let me list some so you can grasp what I would deal with to smoke:
So these are just some of the things I overlooked to smoke, because without being able to drink, smoke pot, etc, I felt like it was my only edge left. The only thing that made me sociably acceptable when out with friends. Yes I may not drink but I go on smoke breaks.
But I get afraid that without the cigarettes the results won’t be as good from working out. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but it would yield faster results due to not being as hungry. But I couldn’t push as hard, and why get into shape to just be aesthetically pleasing. So this whole time I have just had to trust my workout, and know I will binge on some days, and crack here and there with food, but there is no rush. The first month is your body tightening without as much physical to show, the second month is more physical show, and the third month is a huge step. And after that, since I have a longer plan, I should be in amazing shape, and feel soo much better. It really comes down to trusting in the workout, trusting in your intake, and trusting in a better life style. “Trust the workout” is my mantra.
And to reiterate, it was my mistake to start, so I must take action to fix it.(even though I think smoking has sex appeal and I enjoy it, I get so pissed that we allow them to be sold even as a smoker, because I know what I am struggling with, and wish others didn’t have to ever do this. And I wish people understood how hard it is to quit smoking, it is as addictive if not more than other drugs because it is allowed to be incorporated into every part of our lives, not only associating it with the basics but with who we are.) And this time around I feel great about it. I feel empowered. I don’t want to smoke. I want to hike, i want to breath fresh air, I want to smell the beach, I want to inhale big for fresh crisp air, not a drag of a cigarette. I have been able to make the act of smoking seem bad in my head vs something I miss this time around.
I also made my own workout routine this time, combining aspects from Crossfit, p90x, and Insanity. It is high intensity but very doable everyday. I look forward to it.
That mixed with the food I am eating, when I do break my diet, it is on healthy items, as I don’t own junk food in my house. So it is better to bing on some almond milk and cereal than 12 bags of chips or candy.
My stomach feels amazing too. I thought I might need to get scoped prior, I thought I was broken, but the cigarettes really had bad effects on me.
So what did I do differently this time around that has allowed me to get this far?
There isn’t a simple solution for everyone here but this has been working for me and I am trusting it fully. First and foremost, I did NOT seclude myself inside my house. I forced myself out of the house, into the fresh air, as often as possible, even if just for a simple daily walk to the supermarket.
I had those moments where I would reach for a cigarette that didn’t exist, say when a phone call came in or I stepped outside or got off the subway, but instead of shunning that idea, I took a moment and breathed in as I might have had I smoked. I took in the fresh air instead of the burning smoke.
This alone was not the only thing that helped. I cleaned my entire apartment, washed every corner, every sheet, and began spending the money I would normally spend on cigarettes (250+$ a month) on healthy alternatives that could ease my mind, help with the clouded thoughts. I bought a green tea that helps boost metabolism since weight has always been a huge reason for my smoking. It is called Steaz teas and comes in great flavors. It is only 40 calories a can and comes to my door monthly for only a dollar a can on amazon. I have one everyday and love it. I looked at my food intake and changed it to be very healthy and realized, when i smoked because of the buffer it gave me metabolism wise I actually ate way more unhealthy and it cost me more. The food I buy and cook now actually costs me less and is way better for me! I bought tons of candles with different scents. My sense of smell has returned so strong that I have to be very careful I live in a pleasant environment. I may have even smoked because my sense of smell is so acute without cigarettes, that I wanted to dull the world around me to deal with my anxiety. But just knowing that helped as well.
I talked about it NON STOP with my Mom, Dad, friends, sister. Anyone who would listen I vented to. And I vented the same shit over and over. So be sure to pick someone who won’t mind listening to a broken record. I talked about the good things I now had to look forward to without smoking, such as waking up without being nauseous. It is also important to find someone who will not spout off the negatives of smoking to you too harshly. I get it, we get it, that is why we are trying to quit. We just need someone to listen to us and understand that quitting smoking is as hard as any drug or any addiction and should be treated as such. However there is nothing wrong with hearing it too. I was very humble to everyone telling them I might not make it and they needed to accept that. And as time goes on I feel more comfortable sharing and saying I am doing well. Because even though I am the first to write, talk, or yell, when it comes to this stuff I feel like if I jump the gun it is no longer me making the decision but my fear of failure infront of others. I still have that fear, but I gain confidence over it day by day.
I used to run away from nay sayers or factoid people, but I kept an open ear this time. I saw a friend go through Chemo who hasn’t smoke a day in their life, and I watched how strong she was with it, and I wondered if I could do that, and I decided probably not as well. Everytime I thought/think of smoking, I was able to twist it in a way that made it a negative in my life rather than a positive. I didn’t run from smoking circles, at first I did (need a few weeks) but then I embraced it and just rememebered if I were smoking, which I wanted to do, it wouldn’t be the same as it felt right then. I smoked a pack a day so that wouldn’t have been my first cigarette, that would have been my 20th, and if I smoked as much as they were, I would make myself sick as usual and not be able to just be in the moment and enjoy the surroundings. So I enjoyed the smell as an outsider rather than someone who had to join in. I made sure to bring my water bottle or a yogurt. Something to keep in my hands.
I continue to force myself out into situations that a cigarette would have given me the confidence to go to, but might now make me feel out of place at. I got there and I owned it. I owned the fact that I am not a big drinker, no longer smoked, and don’t do drugs, so technically one could point and laugh at the straight edge. But I didn’t care this time, well I did care, but I accepted myself. And through this acceptance and realization that I would be less likely to get the runs, wouldn’t throw off my stomach, get a cigarette hang over, and smell like crap when I got home, I was able to tackle one at a time, each place, each muscle memory moment that I would normally have a cigarette, and just tell it to go fuck itself.
A big help for me was through hiking. I got to the top of the mountain on the crispest day in February and breathed in after running up the steep slope. I remember being a kid and running around outside, I remembered through sensory memory the good times, and that was enough to calm my mind, my body, and not to go overboard but my soul. It brought to me meditation which I cannot do in the generic definition of the word. I cannot sit and breath, I cannot relax and ponder with empty thoughts, I need motion, I need challenge, and the challenge of that mountain, the fresh air it brought into my lungs allowed me to have that moment of meditation even if it wasn’t technical. And I am greatful.
I also notice the differences, such as when I smoked I always wrote negatively about it and how I wish it wasn’t there, and now a little over 2 months in I am writing with invigoration and positive outlook. I am proud of my health, my body, and what I can accomplish. And god I love to be able to sit through a movie without pausing and getting up. As I write this I still have cravings, I still want a cigarette, but mostly as a way to pass time in a day that is not as action packed as the others. I don’t actually want the cigarette, I just want to be doing something.
To keep moving, has helped me beyond belief. To stay busy, but to also remember that I love to take a moment, to think. Those 5 minute breaks every hour were great, but now I take them all at once through a workout for an hour in the morning, a 10 minute lunch with a delicious(now that I can taste) green tea, or a 5 minute walk outside. Sometimes I will even just go to my smoking window and open it and look out, enjoying the breeze and world as I did when smoking. Kissing someone is amazing now, no more worries that I will taste like shit. Plus now I know what someone tastes like right away, i always worried if I met someone, then I quit smoking, maybe our chemistry would be different when I stopped and I wouldn’t like their taste.
I got over the clouded unable to think period of time extremely quickly this time around and I think it is because I forced my brain to do it. I forced myself to embrace all the habits I had but without a cigarette and learn how to do them all over. Turns out, I can do those situations with or without a cigarette. It is just scary sometimes to get there. It takes an open mind and a very active stance.
But I am proud. And I will continue to be as I continue to struggle with the season changes, the different triggers, and the such. But instead of running, I will face it head on. I will challenge it as it appears. It is like when you get the jitters on stage, the shakes no one else can see, but you can feel trembling your whole body. If you tell those shakes to shake more, if you confront them and tell them, DO YOUR WORST, they tend to back down, and you stop shaking. I suppose this is the same. Except you need to force yourself to go back into the situations, you need to reprogram your life, because cigarettes are a lifestyle.
So drink your coffee, you don’t just like it because of the cigarette, but maybe instead of bringing it to the office, wake up 5 minutes earlier and drink it outside on a park bench and enjoy the moment. Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t worry if you feel defeated. Talk about it. It helps. Keep talking it out. And remember you will get irritable, but you can also control that as well. You just have to force a smile, it really does help.
Shit talk to me, I will be more than happy to share, talk, or listen to a vent. 🙂
Rambling now, so I will end this, but I wanted to write it down.
Good luck to everyone in the same boat.
I can’t see myself in the damn mirror last two days. I took pictures, and compared to the days before, nothing has changed… and maybe that is the problem.
I am in the third month now of my new routine and I know I just need to trust it, but with the battle with the cutting of my Klonopin and the no cigarettes, it is a lot to take in all at once. My head is a bit overwhelmed. I don’t want to lose weight this time, I want to get really really tight, really strong. My legs are like steel beams, but who gets to look at my legs and go ooo, everyone goes straight to the abs, and while I see it in my pictures and the right lighting, I sit down, and don’t want anyone to touch. If I lay back or stand up, go for it. This is not the same as with a trainer, but it isn’t that bad either, it is still very good results, I still run a 6 minute mile. But I am not getting as strong as fast. But that is OK I am in this for the long run, I will continue, I will show up everyday and do it. It is my main priority.
I however am forcing myself to go out, to do things that I wouldn’t think twice if I had a cigarette to hold onto for comfort. Cigarettes were kinda my baby blanket ever since my anxiety made it so a drink (the end all be all of social norms) became a foreign substance to me. The cigarettes made me fit in. And to be honest I don’t need to fit in, but I love attention. I have a unique look on life, not original or new, but unique, because I will write it out loud, say it out loud, or think it out loud at anytime, at any moment.
I wish I had more impact on the world because I could share with them, my brain, nothing special, but normal enough where it might help. To know someone else has the same issues, happiness, problems, struggles… helps.
And it helps me to hear from people who also have those brain patterns, those thoughts, concerns, life lessons. We are lonely by nature, but words make me feel safe. Which is ironic since I do not read. I read slow and my brain wants the ending faster than I can get to, so I won’t do it. It is agonizing for me. I read the same page 6 times to get the TRUE meaning, when in reality it is probably just a page of words that helpe the writer get to the next chapter.
The cigarettes also dulled my senses to smells and memories around me. Sometimes it is hard to remember the past by a smell. So I am getting used to this new me, and i have a long journey still.
I will write more about the smoking later but this was just a stream of consciousness I needed to get out.
What I have learned today after my workout.
A: My mirror needs to be cleaned.
B: I have a girl ass… seriously… WTF?!
Yeah society problems.
Hell yeah!
I am not Suave, I know the games but won’t play them, I talk too much, I call too soon, I txt the day of, I write more than a sentence when I say hello, I respond to txts almost immediately after getting them, I pick up phone calls even if I am on the other line to tell you, I judge on appearance but if you cannot back it up with wit and intelligence I won’t waste my time, I put up photos of myself that look vain(I have 100000 more on Facebook), I will ask for your Facebook before we meet(mostly because people are full of shit when they pick their photos for here), I take my photos head on so you can see what I look like not what I want to look like, I am way more personable in person, I am sarcastic but it comes across as being an ass over txts if you never spoke to me, I probably crack to many jokes at other peoples expense, I love life and you should too, I am a hopeful romantic, I love to share, I have a lot to share, it doesn’t mean it is everything I have to share, I have no filter, I say the wrong things, I say the right things, I am kind, I am an ass, I am very aware of my own self perception, I don’t think a profile on here should be what we wish we were, I hate when people are overweight and leave body type blank or write athletic(as if we can’t tell?), I am a photographer(for one of my many passions) so I know the angles of photographs to make you look better, if I am having a good day I will want to talk to you, if I am having a shitty day I will want to vent to you, it takes everything in my power not to put up a picture with my shirt off as a profile pic because I work hard for my body and want to share, I love to be proven wrong, I USE WAY TOO MANY EMOTICONS, I’m obsessed with leggings, I think workout clothes are sexier than lingerie, I am extremely positive about life good or bad, and I don’t mind run on sentences.
If that sounds good. Then ask me the rest. And stop sending me messages telling me how “people aren’t who they seem, and I had a bad relationship, or I am guarded yadda yadda, then don’t date. If you are not ready to get hurt, then you aren’t ready to date in any serious form. Put up a craigslist ad and get laid. Finding the right person takes some effort and to be honest I refuse to waste time on emotionally unavailable people.
Oh and I really do appreciate it when people are crazy from the start. It saves me the surprise later down the road.
Today has been a good day, I started it off with Yoga and was able to hold the Crane Pose for 5 seconds solidly! That is 5 seconds more than I have ever done!
Then I looked like this:
(seriously, and it shook my brain lol)
Then I took my progress picture today which was 7 weeks in. You can see my first pictures here: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/17275477857/blitzkrieg-on-my-health I am very happy with the progress so far. Taking it slow and steady, but still seeing great results.
So this made me happy.
Then I went and got my hair cut:
So all in all, it has been a great day, great weather, surrounded by positive vibes and people. So I am going to really enjoy today!
I’m sitting here awake, un sure if I am having anxiety or food poisoning… sigh. Both have the same symptoms in my world. How great is that?
This is when I wish I had someone in my life that understood this as much as me. Because you can’t call your parents at 3 am. Mom: “Drink tea”
Arggg this is part of everything I guess. Just trying to take control of my brain and to do so I may have to feel some of this pain on the journey there. Tea it is.
So I need to rant…
As a guy, we like to get into shape. We feel better about ourselves, we are athletic, have testosterone etc etc. But there are some major flaws with the male body.
I have yet to meet a girl who you can send a picture to of yourself naked where it just makes her go insane. Now flip the coin and a girl sends a suggestive, not even nude picture of herself to a guy, and what do you get? A horny guy.
Why is this?
Well let me break it down… Let’s start with the most important “to the guy” part, the penis.. WTF… A girl has her naughty bits hidden away in a pretty little package. It is inviting, self contained, and not subject to harm as easily. Then we look at a guy, WHAT THE FUCK? As if the penis wasn’t weird enough looking as it is just hanging there for the world to see, we have to have this excess skin holding two “balls” underneath it. Dammit, there is NOTHING FUN about having balls, we often sit on them if we shift in our chair the wrong way, and they just flop around. They are covered in hair, and do not accentuate our manly hood at all. Girls ovaries are neatly tucked away inside them, but we have a fucking punching bag hanging from our lower half… Not to mention, we can’t hide shit when it comes to how we “feel”. I mean we wake up at full mast for the only reason I can think of is NOT wetting the bed. All men care about is performance, but we have an appendage that doesn’t work if we are worried about performance.
So OK, “manhood” aside, let’s talk about boobs. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give guys boobs? We are not feeding babies, if we gain weight they look absolutely ridiculous and if we get in shape they still look ridiculous. So WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE THEM DAMMIT! Not only are women’s much more attractive they serve a damn purpose.
Girls have beautiful curves, accents, lips, etc. They can dress them up in some of the most magnificent styles I have ever seen, and us guys get t-shirts and jeans. And to make it worse some of the male population thinks it is sexy to wear our underwear out of our pants. Not sexy, girls couldn’t do it with the whale tale, so what makes us think we can do it with our smiley face Joe Boxers.
Oh, and NOT TO MENTION, was our body used as a damn wet mop after woman had her first haircut? What the crap is that all about. I know that is subjective, but I really cannot stand body hair, I even tried shaving my legs when I was swimming, but to be honest, credit to the ladies out there, it is fucking hard, there is hair behind the knees, wtf!
So we do our best to tone up and get the hodgepodge of parts to look somewhat appealing and girls will always drop the line here or there “I can’t get comfortable on you, you aren’t squishy enough”…
For fucks sake… all I want, personally, is someone to run their hand down my sex lines or across my arm and notice all the new indents and muscles I was admiring in the mirror when I first found them. Is that too much to ask? It isn’t a conceded thing, it is a self realization thing. It is being proud. The body is cool and I just appreciate a little acknowledgment haha.
We are either squishy or toned, there is no middle ground here girls. I mean you have those naturally skinny people, but they are not squishy, they are tiny. It feels good when you lay on my chest and I swear I am not going to flex to make you uncomfortable, I just like the touch and weight of you.
BLAH, just go pick our a cool pair of leggings or sexy bathing suit with multiple shapes and accent to make your body amazing and desirable, and I will go get board shorts (which at least cover my kneecaps which are not pretty on anyone IMO) and t-shirts and jeans which either make me look too metro or from the ghetto.
Yes yes, it takes us less time to get ready, but that is because we have nothing to show off. I am seriously jealous of the female figure and how much fun it is to dress up. So girls, know this, if I look at another woman while we are out, it is not because I want to get her in bed, it is because I want to figure out where she got her outfit so I can go buy it for your amazing body which is my adult version of your dolls 😛
Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens. I don’t know – you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person and your life is changed forever.
I know I have experienced being in a relationship where you can compare it to a movie. If you break down the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. If your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like one, only savoring the exact frames the editor in this case, your mind, wanted you to see. You pass the time in between with cuts, removing anything that is the everyday. You create a moving slideshow of a period of time, and with the proper filters on them it gives it that epic film feel.
With the right color correction and depth of field you are going to miss the world around anything that may seem imperfect. Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of the complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time. Emotion is only needed for portrayal of each character that is part of the movie, not the world around it. You can see this in movies like Godzilla, where we either hate or empathize with the monster, yet the movie ignores the fact that millions of people are dying below the big battle in the sky.
A movie is also easy to critique or judge, but in our real lives, ever decision, every day, takes time and examination. Real life is a balance of your own opinions mixed with feelings, that can be totally dependent on the sleep you had the night before, what you ate, and the feelings of the people around you. A film doesn’t embody this. Sure, life can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision, but the ability for improv stands in the way of your short films of life turning into a feature film.
A movie is stuck inside it’s own bubble of self, it has it’s own script, that eventually will end, editing techniques to tell that script, and a limited cast and crew to run it. The world a place where your own perfection cannot exist because the the imperfections are part of what make the perfect in the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the world put forth around me, intentional or with humility.
So tonight I look forward to thinking back upon the old relationships I had where I thought things did feel like a movie, but now realizing, I am glad most movies don’t have a sequel. If I only have fragments of time and then years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience watching the film, the need to circulate new patrons through the theatre to turn a profit, and summarizing exposition so not to confuse the people watching, I would not be giving myself enough life, enough care, enough introspection. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect, due to the curtain closing, and the credits rolling. I want to be able to see the unspoken sequel to my life and relationships. The time that happens between the cuts. The time that has yet to occurred due even if there is a happy ending. That ending, is superficial, because love is not the end, love is the beginning.
I refuse to skip these unwritten chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.
Does anyone else feel like they should hear Eye of the Tiger or something inspirational vs birds chirping and bells ringing when they are doing yoga? I just feel like I need some intense music to cheer me on for doing some of this ridiculously hard contortion!
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