What the fuck did I walk into last night….

So I had a date.

This girl messaged me on OkCupid and I was actually really looking forward to meeting her from what she said in response to a message I guess I sent a month back saying “You need more smiles”,

“I just saw this message. You sent it in May and it is now July.. That probably means that you are no longer single. Your profile is probably a dead entity taking up virtual space — just like mine. Anyway I read your novel. You’ve got sass and I like that. But specifically sass with a purpose. Purposeful sass if you will. Like there’s something going on in your mind. You know how many people seem to have nothing going on in their minds? A bunch of people walking around who are already dead on the inside. Anyway if you are not in something serious, engaged, married, if OKCupid has not yet fulfilled your wildest dreams we should talk more.

No emotion in my face girl”

So one would assume from this message, the back and forth would be a LOT of fun, as well she would not be into social norms that make you have to disassociate with normal thought process in order to “game each other” into wanting to talk more, rather than just talking in a flow of thoughts and ideas.

So I sent her a message back, started slow, one paragraph (that is hard for me!)

She wrote back 2, and asked for me to tell her something she didn’t know. So I wrote back 4 paragraphs.

4 days go by, nothing..

I don’t check that site often so I ran across it and pinged her, “Hey did I lose ya?”

She writes back no, we should meet. I am like ok cool.

Number given. 3 days go by nothing.

I message her again asking what’s up. I do however break that message into two as my thought process is not always succinct. Figure why not. I am not giving her a ring, I am asking about making plans.

It seems like these “Hey are you alive” messages are the only way for her to respond as she replies almost immediately and says, let’s me Friday.

Ok, cool. (OR SHOULD I SAY HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR!)
So I suggest the place and we are a GO!

I always leave a bit early for meeting people. I like to be on time, but heat, traffic, and friday rush hour =’s me being 30 minutes late. I messaged early to say I was stuck in traffic and would be late, I rushed in the subway, ran a few stairs, ya know the “give it effort while trying not to melt in 107 degree weather for the first date”.

So I get out of the subway and immediately call her phone to say I am here and apologize once again. She says she went into the store close by and will be down in like 10 minutes, I was like thats cool, she is probably checking out or some shit. Least I can do is wait for her to finish up whatever she was doing to pass time while I was trying to get there.

So somehow I chose Columbus Circle, the CENTER OF “wind”. Wind hits the center monument/fountain from 3 or 4 different directions at once, making the heat actually very bearable and comfortable. The fountains spraying a mist of lovely water in your face as well. I was watching couples who just went into the fountains laying out on one another, thinking to myself, man too bad this is a first date, that is a fucking great idea, and honestly my ideal date. Comfortable soaked, relaxing, and just talking. Ahh so much fun to see, the ballet street performers, the skate boarders, the annoying “camera man” shooting his light bar of 50000 LEDS in our faces for each jump, the crazy guy, the hipsters, the drunk, the tourists snapping shots of everything, the older guys wanting to be part of the younger kids fun helping them up after each jump… I digress. But why am I digressing? I look at my phone….

I got there at 8. It is now 8:30.

…

..

.

What would YOU think?

I thought I was being stood up. I also considered perhaps I was being punished for being late? I mean does it take 30 minutes to do whatever the fuck she was doing?

8:40 I text, because I am always weary of sending “too many texts” before I meet someone, since there is some unwritten etiquette about that, that I really just don’t get.

My phone rings. “Where are you?”

“At the statue… like we said… where are you?”

“I am there, I don’t see you. “

I spot her: “Neon orange dress with polka dots?” (not gonna touch this one)

I wave, she sees me, we hang up.

I ask her, “so uhmmm did you wait 30 minutes to get me back for being late? hehe” (in my sarcastic tone, YAY BEING IN PERSON AND TALKING, no one can misunderstand me now!)

She looks at me and this is where I realize things are about to go REALLY BADLY, he mouth is moving, but her eyes and face are making no facial expressions. NOTHING, no movement, just stuck, like they just finished collagen injections.

**Eyes to Tristan’s Brain… FUCK**

She says, “Oh I was talking with friends I used to work with in there.” No expression, no apology, no nothing.

I am still staring at her like an alien waiting for ANY expression, burning her skin with my eyes popping out of my skull trying to see any indicator if she is actually a person. I am probably pushing my head forward too.

So I say, “Good call on the statue, at least it was cool here. I almost feel stupid to leave it in this weather…”

wait for a response of any sort… nothing… dead pan face, diverting eyes, making me feel like some sort of disfigured being.

“Ok, well I know a really good frozen yogurt place right here I figured we could grab some and then head over to (I forget the name of Lincoln center, so I tell her) the place where they have the ballet, oh what’s the name of that place again..?”

nothing. long pause as she begins to walk. Me wondering where the fuck she is going.

Her, “let’s go into the park and sit on a rock.”

**Ears to Tristan’s Brain… “let’s go get mugged in central park at night with Minny Mouse and myself as the aryan race white kid” FUCK**

Her, “Frozen yogurt is too fattening.” “I am on a diet, I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should since my ex fiance and I separated.” “I am doing yoga now” “Frozen yogurt has too much sugar”. (You had to hear it, see her, and understand that Frozen Yogurt on the hottest day in the entire YEAR was NOT going to ruin ANY “diet” she was on.)
ALL DEAD FACE, EYES JUTTING EVERYWHERE, NO EXPRESSION.

“So that didn’t take long, not even 30 seconds in and we are talking about your ex fiance eh? I was gonna avoid that topic so not to get ya on it”

Nothing…

“How many times have you been engaged?”

Oh and by the way we are now walking into the park, down a hill. And she says REALLY LOUD, “You lied on your profile”. And I am now just not even sure what is happening, I feel like I am being attacked by a pug dog with no teeth and made of marshmallows. The constant barrage of “WTF” moments coming out of an expressionless entity next to me, me just thinking the whole time, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me and why do I do dating sites, people are on it who are obviously broken and not there because they think it is convenient. My brain is literally chanting it like a mantra at this point because I want to go home. “You lied about your height, you ARE NOT 5’10!”

Now, normally I wouldn’t get upset if someone said I wasn’t the height the DOCTORS SAY I AM. But she literally was yelling at me, in a way where she obviously thought very highly of herself for cracking someone online dating site code of “guys who lie about their height”. Which btw apparently IS A THING!!! lol.

So I am now just looking at her saying, “are you serious?”

“You lied, you are not 5’10”

I assess the situation, look at her height compared to mine, see she is eye level with me, so I assume she is also 5’10, I say, “How tall are you?”

She says “5’7 and I am taller than you.”

Now I am just dumbfounded. Unless I am shrinking, I am not under 5’7. I look down at the street, and notice I am on the decline of an uneven road. I walk around her, say, “How about now? Still lying?”

She does the no expression darting eyes to every corner of the globe thing, and I think she mumbles “lying” “every guy lies about it on there” or some shit.

Now I am pissed, and offer to take a break from our lovely walk into shady central, to perhaps go get a measuring tape. I mean how else do you argue against it?

I try to change subjects as she brushes her hand against me by accident, I say, “Wanna hold hands already!?” To which she says,

“Oh that is just my ring” to which I look at and see a giant monstrosity on her finger. “I have been engaged so many times I need something there to keep my mind off of all the relationships.”

SO SHE PUTS A GIANT PAPERWEIGHT THERE TO CLEAR HER MIND OF IT…………………………… I don’t say it a lot or ever for that matter but FML.

Now we are back at my original question before I almost got thrown off the ride for not being the “right height”.

“How many Fiances have you had?”

“3”

I am like, you already had 3?

She says she had 1 at 17, 1 at 18 and another that lasted 8 years that just ended six months ago. She tells me that she grew up in the south, and that is the way things are, but she no longer believes in it.

We change subjects and we get on the subject of bad OkCupid dates, and me saying most people use it as a hookup or to mask having an STD. To which she asks me to tell her a story of one, so I do.

I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say a girl one time, waited till the very last second, of something that should NOT BE held off until the last second one time to tell me she had herpes. Which BTW, I prefaced with “Tested, Clean, Don’t have an STD”. And the minute I said the word herpes, this girl about faced, and started walking in high gear BACK UP THE FUCKING HILL.. no joke.. mumbling “No thanks” “You can catch it by talking to someone, kissing, touching….” and some other indiscernible jumbled freak out. So I catch up with her after not understanding what the HELL just happened.

I tell her, “This happened like 3 years ago, I do not have herpes, I get tested on a regular basis, and I do NOT sleep around.”

To which she says, “Oh you are one of those people!?”

To which I don’t even know what the fuck to say, one of what people? RESPONSIBLE!?!?

She continues her speed walk up the hill, to which I say, “So are you completely serious right now? Are you walking away? Is this over?”

“You sent me 4 emails before we even met!”
EYES DARTING ALL OVER THE FUCKING GLOBE AGAIN, FACE DEADPAN AS ALWAYS!

So now I am starting to put the pieces together. She was freaking out about this before we even met.

So I say, “And?”

“That just seems excessive no?”

To which I say some diatribe about social norms and emails not meaning marriage or anything other than me talking and sharing and ultimately leading to us finally meeting.

I actually was getting pretty angry now, and dug into her with something or another, basically saying how she was being fucking ridiculous and if she didn’t tell me what the fuck was up I was going to walk, and she could continue power walking away. Something about how I should be the one walking away with the crazy she was giving off.

Eventually she turned around, and we began to walk to the rocks again.. Why I didn’t walk right then is beyond me, I guess I was intrigued by this now, and wanted more story to tell? As we are walking on the “height altering hill AGAIN” she said:

“I used to talk to my ex fiance 1-3 times a day, and we emailed, and talked on the phone, and.. and… ya know what he said at the end of the relationship?”

“He said, he had no idea who I was. That just goes to show there is a WHOLE lot of me to get to know. I am not an easy book to read, and am very complex.” **Dead Pan face as usual**

Lifting my jaw off the floor, unsure how to answer anyone who says they are in a relationship for 8 years and brags about their OWN FIANCE not knowing them after the entire 8 years… their fiance who probably pissed says a generic line such as “I don’t even know who you are” and it is taken as being complex, not even being taken into account. At this point I realize this “complex person” has pretty much just showed me all their cards in about 10 minutes of knowing them, and they think they are so complex… if crazy, closed off, and not in tune with their own emotions is complex, than MAN they had it to a science!

She even said at some point that night, that she was so in touch with her emotions and opening emotionally to people that she often takes things so personally that she has trouble getting over it, and it hinders her from talking and expressing her feelings. To which I thought… isn’t that the opposite of opening yourself up and being ready or good and bad? I mean me personally I open myself up like a book to good and bad in order to get to the truth faster, and am lucky to have a very strong ability to rebound back from the bad shit that hits. But she is telling me she is so in tune with her emotions that if her and her ex fiance fought, they would often close off to one another, because they were so emotionally distressed from it…
So because at this point I just need more punishment, I ask why it ended, to which I am told he had anger issues. To which I probe more, and find out that means punching walls next to her head. Which is no joke. But it kinda makes more sense now. This girl has no idea what her emotions are, her face showing it perfectly. FUCKING SMILE PLEASE!!!

And she was in an abusive relationship, to which she assumes she was hurting the guy for staying in it even when she was no longer happy. Dude was throwing punches, I think he can deal.

This was classic “beaten wife syndrome” for lack of a better term. And it was fucking scary.

I am not even quite sure how to explain the end of it, we sat on rocks for 45 mintues before she said, “I have to meet my friend, the one who has herpes”. (remember the disease which she thought she would catch from me because I had known someone with it?) To which I am like… Oh so it is not actually a date then… And since at that point I had been talkin to myself most of the time just to not have to listen to her anymore, when she said “but I don’t have to go right away, I am actually enjoying our conversation”(Apparently she warmed up to me?) I was like oh nooooo we should start walking.. Left her saying something along the lines of “well you can email me since we know how you feel about that” lol. Walked away and danced a bit to be free. Stopped back home after a fiasco with broken down buses, grabbed an amazing gelato or twenty. And just savored every spoonful, feeling spite for her “diet” each delicious spoonful.

And thus concludes my 45 minute OKCupid “date”….

P.S. I made her laugh ONCE the whole night, with some deadpan, perfectly timed joke, that was really morbid. Go me. lol

P.P.S. My Profile now has a HUGE disclaimer: 

Dead serious: If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off :) this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I spent a lot of my summers growing up in Zurich where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point. And for the last 10% if you are here because you are socially inept, use this for any other reason other than convenience, including just wanting to date multiple people and fuck them, I am not the person you want to go on a date with, I am loud, boisterous, and love conversation.

P.P.P.S. I took it down 😛