Category: Uncategorized (Page 7 of 12)

Today is not a good day. I feel very lost. I didn’t realize, but I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. Everyone is very pre-occupied with work, goals, life, and in my opinion often occupied beyond reason or rationalization for being busy. Busy for the sake of busy. And I don’t fault anyone for it, but I do realize that I have a lot of things on my mind that I just haven’t been able to express and when I finally talked for about 1 minute to a friend about the surface of it, I almost started crying. Some people may even think they have the mind-space to talk to you, but in reality they don’t and if you dump it out, they will postpone their own lives, so consciously I say nothing to not get in the way.

Off the top of my head I am scared shitless for my future. I am scared of age, dying, not being happy, you name it. I have no job, I am not working out, I am smoking, I feel like shit, I feel cloudy, I wake up and go to sleep at bad hours. And I don’t have the motivation or feel it to fix it. I grasp onto any work prospects and give it my all, but get scared when I don’t really know if it will help me get to the next bill or burn out from lack of return for work put in. And while I do have a savings to keep me afloat for a bit longer, I don’t see any answers as to “what the fuck I want to do with my life”. 

I have survived on my own for quite a bit now and the idea of “If anyone can do it, Tristan can.” has been following me around(the complete opposite of when I was a kid and everyone thought I was gonna end up in a gutter), spilling out of the mouths of most if not all the people around me. While I find it to sound nice coming from peoples mouths and semi ego boosting, I mostly find it extremely scary, because I feel that because I am good at making shit work or making work appear out of the air, that this sentiment leaves me on a very small island alone. I get a sense of resentment for my prior or future ability to pull in 3 months of pay on one job(that one job that comes maybe once a year) I feel like I am not on the minds of those people because they assume it will be OK. I am not saying I need people to worry, but I do need people I can speak to. Lately it seems the family is broken into bits and pieces of selfishness. The broken aspects are causing drama that seem to put the kids into a “parental” position and that is just weird. Everyone is secluding themselves, myself included. But then when you do reach out you get hit with the pent up subconscious aggression towards others making you not want to reach out again. 

My motivation to get anything done right now is lacking. And the things I am passionate about are hard to follow because I can’t afford the luxuries of following them. 

All in all I know I am in the right place in terms of decisions and what led me here, but I just feel like because of all the shit around me and lack of motivation on my end, I am very alone, scared, and on the verge of tears half the time. 

Depression… I am afraid to say that because then one assumes “broken” or “therapist”. I do want to explore WHY THE FUCK my body and mind decided to tear my life apart at the age of 22. Why I got anxiety, why I couldn’t just leave my house to go out without thinking of “will there be a toilet, how will I feel once I get there, do I have my klonopin in case I spike a panic attack”. I feel like if there has ever been a better time it is now to tackle this fucker and get my life back. But not for the “your childhood sucked” reasons that most say, but for the I don’t want to be an 89 year old man at 29.

And then there is that.. almost 30.. wtf. 

Anyway, there it is, my momentary thoughts of today that made it so my arms felt weak, my mind clouded, and my eyes filling with salty water.

excuse me but since when did music become this big competition about taste and stuff why can’t we just listen to what we want to if you like bieber go listen to him if you like led zeppelin go ahead listen to them if you like my chem go ahead listen to them fuck if you like sex sounds made by whales go ahead listen to it music is supposed to be fun

 "So the “normalality” of a first date ensued as we found ourselves face to face many many times awkwardly wanting to kiss but waiting for the faultless moment to perfect it. We ate a dinner in candle light, we drove to music, her hand on mine as I shifted through the night. We found ourselves watching a movie and the moment came, a button hit, movie paused, and the flood gates were released. One kiss turned into a thousand.“ 

Do I want open space, driving, shitty people, fresh fruit and fish, or do I want condensed buildings, fresh air, amazing people, smaller apartment. ALKFAHSF

Without a cigarette I reach into the air for nothing. I feel like I miss my moments of calm in my mind, the forcing of my brain to take a break. The clarity of a night sky out the window cigarette in hand. The forcing of me to see the outside. I finish dinner and automatically get to walk outside to digest with smoke.

I go home and get excited to sit at my window and smoke a cigarette.

Without it I feel better, I hope I haven;t done enough damage already that I will die from a cancer related indecent  then I think, what is life but to enjoy the world around us, why can’t we just enjoy the cigarettes and not care? I suppose you can, but I can’t.

And it sucks, it is a big part of my calm. It helps with my anxiety. Although it fills it too. But with a cigarette I know I always have that “socially” acceptable escape from people without needing to just walk outside for air. 

Electronic cigarettes don’t work either cause I’m allergic to the ingredients. Blah.

And I’m not excited to be getting olde but I am excited to enjoy the day 🙂

This is going to sound so fucking incredibly insensitive and shallow, but here goes anyway… I don’t care about boobies(I appreciate them haha). I care about your face, your lips, and your butt… is that too much to ask for? Not “black people like my ass” ass I mean STRAIGHT TEXTBOOK WHITE GIRL ASS. I get so much crap for this, “I am your average girl” “I am happy with my ass” “way to only think about physical” I don’t say this to make you insecure or weirded out. I say this in a, if we went shopping and I was gonna buy you something cute, I want to like it too way, I say this in a you should take care of your body way(as do I). I say this in a “there is a guy/girl for every other guy/girl out there” and that is something I REALLY LIKE. So yes this is a deal breaker. Take it as you want to. (Like I said previously, either you take me as we have known each other forever or you might be insulted) Physical is the easiest thing to know first, which then you can invest yourself 100% into the other person to see if you match every other way. (we can deny it all we like but it is the part of us that is RIGHT INFRONT OF US, I mean why else do we have PROFILE pictures)and with the different angles and photos you can take, this site has a tendency to be misleading. As a photographer it isn’t that hard to figure out WHY you picked a picture, I know why I picked mine. If you want to see me as a fat fuck, feel free to ask, I have been there, and I took care of it. But this isn’t about ANY of that, this is about me liking something, enough that it is important to me as your brain, intellect, humor, easy going attitude, and “insert adjective here” is…

I understand looks are not the #1 thing in life. I know how they fluctuate. I suppose I also know how people overlook them because of how touchy a subject they are. Well that was me a few years ago before I pulled my shit together. I was the skinny kid until I got my first job and learned what a desk job meant. Longer story with lots more pictures if you want it. But don’t be so quick to think I am judging you. Maybe what you see and hear is me gauging where your mind and mine are when it comes to a valuable process of my life?

P.S. I realize this is very generalized and body type, height, hips etc come into play on all of this. But I just wanted to get the idea out there.

How does one admit they are lost and need help, if by the very act of doing this implies they know what kind of help they need when asked “What can I do to help?” from those willing to extend a hand. If only to stand here very alone, very scared, very secluded on an island filled with very sporadic ups and downs. Mortality creeping into every thought. The idea of blackness and nothing, unable to grasp it. Feeling like that could happen before ever getting to feel what it is to live.

To love.

To be happy…To be truly happy. To fullfil the childhood idea of happiness.

The funny part is the longer I go on, the more my mind begins to halt it’s ability to age with me. My eyes deceive me about those around me and my reality creeps up again, telling me, you waisted the days when you could have established better. Of course most is a facade and a dirty anxiety to getting older. I am not older than but a minute ago, yet my vision sees an age that is mixed with those, who to them, wonder why I am saying things like, “back in my day” as they see me not as I see myself. To be a little confused would be a great affliction. But instead it is a chaos storm of time.

I hesitate. That is the biggest problem, my hesitation. The hesitation to jump. I never hesitated, perhaps because I felt there was much more time ahead of me. So I jumped, jumped into left and right. I love so many things but can devote myself to nothing in particular. When you feel like you are running out of time, you tend to be more cautious with your leaps. “I envy your freedom” is a phrase I hear a lot, but with pure freedom comes, a feeling of falling. Without the ground and walls, you must be able to grasp to the metaphysical walls of your passions and love. So I pushed forward and pressed against all my passions and loves, yet nothing stuck after I began to slip again, falling slowly down to my knees then to my butt pressed against that wall, that felt comforting. Remembering what it felt like, knowing I did the right thing by letting it go, but afraid of the ground below again. Fear is where is gets scary, because fear can embody itself into your dreams, your life, your mind, and your happiness.

My mind now treats me as if I am weak, attacking at the happy moments where I can forget about the endless days and dreams of memories and futures never happened or half experienced.

So I go day to day, feeling more detached from myself than normal, wishing I could just grasp onto it all and ball my eyes out into it. Letting it understand with each drop, what my mind is thinking. Not having to say a damn word, write a word, think a thought. It would just be a perfect inception of who I can become.

Is it a location, did I jump the gun, did my fear take me to a place where I wasn’t ready for yet, will it help if I go back, will it make it worse, should I stay, should I give in, should I go even crazier. How do you take the giant steps when the little ones are so painfully excruciating on your mind that you need to dose yourself into the calming summer winds that blow near the strike of 2 am, which you normally sleep through, unlike the days prior where that was when it all began.

I want to die happy. And if I died today I would not be happy. I would not be anything but a shell of hopes, dreams, ambitions, and past achievements. I guess in your eyes, I may have done well, but in my eyes, I need to be more than what I have been.

I want to die first and foremost knowing I experienced loves embrace, the warmth of a light on at home when walking toward it. Even finding the perfect moment, is like a Greek tragedy, my eyes plunging the knife into my mind while I embrace the facts in-front of me. Feeling betrayed by my own ideas of what life should have been. Feeling as though I betrayed myself by not making life the way I wanted it to be.

I could continue to make examples and hidden messages, but that is all I wanted to share for now. The end.

I am going to offer my photography services, with all my equipment, makeup artists, hair stylists, cameras, and lighting… for people to have professional mirror shots for facebook and tumblr LAWL

And it was GREAT!

Gave me the energy to get back into it this week. 

After 5 months without ONE break, worked through colds, pressure to do other shit, and whatever else you could think of, I didn’t miss ONE day. So I took a week off cause I was burnt. It helped A TON.

And this week I am back at it. Feels great!