Category: Uncategorized (Page 6 of 12)

2013 Comes to an End.

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

It all leads up to this; the day where a ball drops down to chime in the New Year and the metaphorical weight of the previous year is lifted or solidified.

The celebration of the New Year is either something I look forward greatly like last year when I held my own party at my own house with really cool friends or dread. Maybe it is because I had the perfect example of the dream New Years at the age of 16. Girlfriend by my side, dressed up to the nines, at some high end party where we felt totally out of place, but because we were with each other, we were able to joke about the situation, enjoy the chocolate covered strawberries, escape for a cigarette away from the stuffiness, and ultimately living in each others eyes until the ball dropped and our lips kissed, hinting the flavors of high quality Champagne. I can hardly even make out faces or people from that night, only her. Maybe it was because on the drive home that night it began to snow and we danced in the street to “our song” with a candle from the glove box lit on the roof of my little red car.

Or maybe it was because after that I decided to skip out on the “family New Years” and go to parties. All of which ended up with disappointment. People wanting to get wasted till they puked into the new year never made much sense to me. Searching a party or a bar for a New Years kiss seemed extremely impersonal and contrived.

Or perhaps it was the low key New Years I then subsequently spent with cousins, friends, or family after that. Relaxing and ringing in the New Year with a guaranteed relaxed good time. No pressure and no expectations.

Or maybe it is because New Years is the one holiday of the year that can actually make me yearn for someone next to me and tap into my independence, cut it down, and make me lonely.

I don’t wait until the clock and calendar line up perfectly to make changes in my life and the barrage of “resolutions” and “see ya later shitty _ _ _ _ year” all seem silly to me. When I need to make changes or get drunk off my ass, I do it. I don’t need a party hat to make it official. I enjoy every year be it good or bad. I learn each year what kind of person I am more and more.

So why is it that this year I have decided to spend the New Year alone? I guess it could be a culmination of the entire year in itself. The lack of complete 100% motivation to really commit to my life, my career, and tackle that which is my inner psychi. Shit I hardly wanted to talk to it. Perhaps it is realizations that perhaps the last few years were not what I expected and much of it falls on my own shoulders for what I would and would not do. A mindset, a stubbornness, and brick wall. Maybe this year I have finally decided to take my “accepting” nature of good bad and ugly and actually do something about it, causing me to have to drive the road with the most speedbumps, the most heartache, and the scariest unknown outcomes. This year I am about to put it all out there, put myself on the line. I already gave an emotional bit of me that I had never really given into before and now I try to approach myself and my career. There is a lot of really good groundwork laid that is helping me to conquer my fear of myself as well. It goes so much deeper than just a clock ticking or a number at the end of 3 others changing.

So why did I put very little effort into actually organizing ANY type of New Years plan? I guess it was because I had planned something in my head and it didn’t quite pan out, making everything else seem mediocre. And so I sit here New Years Eve knowing it will be over soon and waiting in angst for it to end so that I can go on with my plan, I can continue to poke and prod my complicated brain against the grain of what it likes to do, I can learn how to love deeper, I can work harder, I can drive myself to have drive itself.

So I sit here thinking of next year, not as a New Years lost but as the specific day that halts the world on end, making me sit here and reflect even for the tiniest of moments.

2014 does look to be a good year. Then again the end of 2013 was starting the groundwork as well(I mean come on I use INSTAGRAM NOW!!). But only if I make it that way. So let the hours tick away, let the confetti stream across the streets, and let the cleaning crew cover it up as if it never happened already so I can wake up and continue on this journey that is life, with those close to me, with those new to me, and with myself known and unknown; knowing I will push because I believe I can and want to, not because the year is over or the past year was hard. I am finally ready to do something about.. well everything. Not to mention some people are already in the New Year… so perhaps I could get a jump on it 😛

Happy New Year to you all, see you in 201…. tomorrow.

Socks and Misconceptions – the silent judgements

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I saw an image that depicted what society thinks to be love between a woman and a man. The heart is located in the mans crotch and the woman’s heart is in the chest, but next to it, it has the “reality”: The mans heart in his chest and the woman’s in her head.

For me love has always started in my mouth. I talk about my life, my experiences, my stories, and my thoughts of the day to see how it hits the significant others mind. To see how she processes my spew. From there my heart begins to go to my eyes and brain. My brain watches her to see how she handles social situations, herself, if she is independent, co-dependent, emotionally connected, likes, dislikes. If we pickup on the same things around us. The ability to say “Did you just see…” and her to turn to me going, “OMG HIS HAIR WAS ON FIRE!”

Social situations hold a lot of water, because these show how we will interact with the world together. I am very sociable, yet reclusive in my own ways. I give off an exterior of confidence but under my arms are telling a different story. I want someone who can handle themselves but also be aware that we are there together and together we can be a stronger team. It is the old idea of both being in a room, one surfing the web and the other reading a book. Being together but being perfectly content to be “apart”. Independent but situationally aware.

My eyes look to see how she dresses, what she looks like, if I still am attracted to her as the days go on. This is a real thing by the way. Beyond the “puppy dog infatuation” the rules of attraction change on a day to day basis. The best thing you can hope for is everyday she becomes more attractive to you. And this is not based on physicality only but on mind and connection. You start to pick up on her body, her smiles, her emotions, and they just make you smile on the inside. That feeling of the butterflies but because you know you are still together.

After this my heart starts to slowly make its way to my chest. But before the ribs open up and let it in, my brain, eyes, mouth, and heart all have a sit down. They discuss what just happened, what they saw, heard, felt, and ultimately make the choice to finally spit out the words “I love you” not because it is the perfect timing or the logical next step, but because if I sit at that conference table anymore my heart will pop out of my chest if I don’t let it control my mouth to yell, whisper, cry out the three simple words, “I love you”.

This is the process of love for me. To be able to finally say I love you is such a freeing feeling for me being so analytical minded. It gives my head breathing space to just be. To be able to have my heart in my chest and just believe in it, in the way she looks at me and know the best parts are still to come now that this has opened up the ability to truly love even more is beautiful. I guess I also set myself up for a scarier fall if they change their mind after the fact, because if I say I love you, I am not just reciting one of the most overused phrases in our culture. Love is an action. We have to be willing to show it, not just say it. And we have to grow with it.

Majority of my relationships stall out on the mouth part. Sharing so much, yet in my mind so little of the “deeper” shit, up front scares a lot of people away. This is the one thing I refuse to compromise on. I am either me 100% or not at all. I refuse to have thought about love, romance, relationships, life, etc so much to have to penalize myself for having a larger outer shell with less fear of breaking my own heart than them to find love in the first place. I don’t have the mind space to be different people with my potential matches versus my best friends or family.

I am willing and do give such a large portion of my own self, which to me doesn’t feel that large, but it frees up the mind to go about growing/learning in society, life, family, and the other things that get thrown at me and this new person on a daily basis to learn who they truly are. But many people I have run into get stuck on love so much that I no longer get a picture of who they are, but a picture of who they think I want them to be, if they have decided to say “I love you” before I have had time to process their share versus mine. This can cause love to hinder the growth of who we could be together rather than open it up. My analytical brain fizzles pretty quickly the minute I feel as though I am no longer able to enjoy their company because it is so focused on “I love you” and the usage of pet names like “Baby” than the everyday. I talk about this in great details on my podcast “Why Love Is Not Enough“.

When you find that mixture of pet names and living life, wow what a feeling that can be. Living with love, not living for love.

I actually think men need more affection than women. I truly think society has it backwards as guys being the emotionless fuck machines and women being the tissue sucking, chocolate icecream inhaling succubi. We as men are used to being “strong” and when we can be softer it is a pleasure and something we want to share deeply with that special person. Something we couldn’t do with our friends or our family. The person who makes a holiday picture card seem like a fun activity.

Ultimately I will always value interpersonal relationships over a job or money because I feel as though this world we live in is backwards. I believe we put so much emphasis on the physical things that we literally lose years of life so we can have a bigger inch on our TV when in the end as we take our last breaths who will give two shits about the size of a TV and care about those who are next to us. We also do this with our jobs that afford us that TV, will we remember when we crunched 800 hours of our life for that “release” cooperate wanted or will be think, I wish I had spent more time living. To quote something I recently heard, “you don’t work the piano you play the piano”. If I could flip the way we work and retire I think it would make more sense. We are retiring our lives with our “savings” when we no longer have the energy to do what we wanted to experience and we are working away the hours when we have nothing but energy and ambition.

Social media feeds into this misconception of “self”. We post moments from our lives in the forms of 140 character blurbs or pictures on instagram. What is weird though is not only do we have to deal with societal norms and “the way things are” but we each have our own perception of what a picture or 140 character insert means. What weight it holds, what it shows about the person posting it. Although with a job and tangible life it is easier to label an interaction versus a moment posted to the cloud. There are not definitive ways to portray yourself yet “online”. We are making it up as we go along. So for each person you are now faced with a second layer of judgement. What is OK to post about and how are we being portrayed without even knowing? Is it better to show the smaller moments in life? Is it better to keep the bad out of the news feeds? Should be post the $$ signs from our latest raise or job? Or should we not have social media, at all.

For instance, I post a photo of my sock drawer with all new socks after throwing out the old ones. I think bragging about socks is more acceptable in the world of Facebook then how much money you pull in on a gig. When twitter first came out my first post was “on the toilet” not knowing what anyone would actually want to know about me in a 140 character post as my day went on. I treat social media differently than person B and C may perceive it, and that is a problem, not because it is wrong or different but because you never know if you are talking to an A B C or Z person. This makes a picture of my sock drawer turn into much more than was intended. Kinda like my writing. Stream of consciousness. Nothing holding more water than the thought ten seconds after this one. So I post a picture of socks and in my own head maybe this is going on: my family has always been surprised when they see me clean because as a kid I was that rebellious asshole and then when I hit college I grew up. So it’s nice to continue to show them I am continuing to grow. I get pleasure out of their “likes”. I guess I also feel like I can show them and myself I am an adult when I can have a drawer full of new socks instead of ratty old ones I kept due to financial situations or prioritization. It is a silent societal judgment on the size of a metaphorical TV. The constant struggle if we get super meta on a picture of socks, boiling down to us wanting to feel like we are living as adults and can portray that through material things such as apartments, amenities, new clothes, and the like. I am as guilty as anyone else for doing this and for one of those reasons I just spoke of that is why I post that innocuous photo of my socks. I post smaller achievements to mask my “unsure” bits about the bigger picture. It’s this 24 hour accessibility that you have no input on, no way to give context to, and becomes a perfect recipe for snap judgement on who YOU are versus the image itself, thus turning socks into a stream of words and emotions you may never have had, said, or thought. But for the person looking on, they can’t help it, it is human nature to analyze the “meaning”.

It amazes me that pictures of your animals or selfies are often more acceptable than a more intimate off the shelf look into ones life. Social media is causing a new level of social disconnection and intricacy to dating. It is causing us to look into the past of someone else’s experiences forgetting the most important idea; the idea of making our own memories. Expecting to get what we see as if we are shopping for a doll or buying tickets to a movie we just saw the preview for. Going home after a date and looking at the past life of the person you just spent real time with instead of thinking of the night you just had, instead replaying the preview for the movie again. We are choosing to live off a post or status update of the one we are with rather than picking up the phone and hearing the persons voice, letting that warm our hearts and meeting up to make our own social media pasts. The worst part is we don’t know when it is happening. It is this sub-division of a relationship that we have no knowledge of until it is brought up. Our profiles exist even while we sleep, so 24/7 the other person can be spending time with “you” without you even knowing, unable to respond, react, or give the subsequent emotional context via expressions or inflections. The definition of Lost in Txtlation. We are accessible to those we love at every moment of every day, and I don’t think that is such a good thing. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. We are suffocating our significant others without even knowing it.

“…non-personalized use of Facebook—scanning your friends’ status updates and updating the world on your own activities via your wall, or what Burke calls “passive consumption” and “broadcasting”—correlates to feelings of disconnectedness. It’s a lonely business, wandering the labyrinths of our friends’ and pseudo-friends’ projected identities, trying to figure out what part of ourselves we ought to project, who will listen, and what they will hear. ”

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/308930/ (Highly recommend this read)

There is so much more to our own progression through life than we can ever express via social media. There is a limit on how much is socially acceptable to talk about depression, struggle, and failure. So much so that if there isn’t a constant stream of updates and progression of your “working life” on a place like Facebook, you may just be perceived as someone with a lack of ambition and ability to “keep up”. But if you are anything like me, there is no update or photo that can truly explain the everyday struggles and successes between the creative and monetary side of the brain. It is something that real life allows us to make a more accurate assessment of. I am not one for delayed gratification, but honestly I think we really need a more organic approach to all of this. Instead of scrolling through the past photos of someone on social media after a good date, living through a curated version of that person that may no longer be applicable to the person you met, rewinding our own imagination of the evening, and letting songs like Maria from West Side Story write themselves in our head til we next meet.

Then again maybe I just like having new socks and underwear.

Holidays, oh holidays…

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Holidays, oh holidays. I always wish I had someone to bring home to Mom and Dad to share with them. I always feel as though it would just be that much more fun to have to decide where and when we will visit the different families and how we will balance the need to be with each other and the need to see our families. Knowing at the end of the day, we will find that solace in each other, regardless of the craziness we are about to embark on through the long car rides during the day, which in turn is time we would spend with each other. The pre-planning which usually means we are committed to each other. Planning anything is advance is usually a no no for non relationships because it gives off the impression of wanting more than what is there. But I guess I just like to think in advance this season more than the rest of the year because I know that due to my broken up family and distance between us I will have to do it with myself so I am used to it. This makes me automatically start to do it with someone I am interested in.

I also look at it by a climate thing too. The cold weather, a fireplace, some cheese and wine. Just sitting in warm pajamas and holding each other. Not necessarily alone, maybe my sisters are there chatting with us, or perhaps we are just playing with my family dog. Maybe sneaking off to bed early or watching as others go to sleep around us. But the feeling I get when I am home with the heat on and the lights a certain brightness and the tree sparkling. That feeling is one I want to share.

When things get overwhelming like holidays usually do with family, we can disappear to sneak that cigarette(breather) on the porch, in the crisp air, freezing our asses off together, but that unity of thought where we BOTH need to get away and we want to do it together. That always seems nice to me.

But even more recently, I just want someone to walk around the neighborhood with and look at the lights people have put up. Holding hands and enjoying the “magic” they can bring to a cold and barren month. The chance that it may snow, and we can get stuck inside together, making breakfast and coffee together, then bundling up to walk in the middle of the usually bustling street, now silent world blanketed by snow. I may like these moments more than the holiday itself to be completely honest. To meet someone that can be special enough that we want to make new traditions with, seems so damn amazing to me. Similar to what my cousins and I did with Cousin’s Christmas. An event spurred by the creativity and traditions of our own families, lost to time. Reinvented for our needs. And created to bring comfort and joy to one another. I actually think me inviting you to cousin’s Christmas has more meaning than family Christmas now, but I digress.

Holidays automatically bring the idea of love to the forefront whether it be there or not, wanted or not. But I don’t think it is about love, I think it is about human interaction. About the feelings that accompany us when we think of spending time with Family or friends, so obviously those we are interested in pop to the front of the list. This can play out for or against new relationships because of the pressures you may feel to HAVE to do any of the above, when I find through talking it out, it can be a much simpler equation that can always equal out to just meaning it is a holiday and working within its confines in needed and not something to even blink twice about, we all feel the stress.

I have always been one of those Italian boys who will introduce someone I meet to my family the day we meet if they are around. I don’t look at “meeting the family” as a big event but part of who I am and part of me I want to share. Although I must say, living a couple thousand miles away definitely does not help with it NOT being a big to do.

Oh and not to mention the FOOD. I want to share the food my family makes with EVERYONE I care about. Because it is probably some of the best food in the world and everyone should have chance to partake in it!

My Dads side is always a little more laid back on holidays, kind of the more classical cheese and wine feel and my Mom’s side is usually the more classical Italian “pranz”(get together) where the entire family comes, sings, yells, screams, gets to decibels that will break your ear drums, but we are all screaming because it has been a long time since we all sat in the same room and were able to share what was on our mind or reminisce about our great grandfathers mothers fathers etc. I think the stories are amazing, the way that the family was back before my time. The way the interactions were. It was, to me, like something out of an old black and white movie. But the one quality I always valued about my Italian family was the love they shared with each other. It was always people being kind, the men being gentlemen, the ladies slaving over the food with the men eating it as they hit their hands. The kids jumping around or playing in the corner preparing a dance recital or song to sing or playing dress up.

Anyway, all of this is part of who I am, this is what I saw growing up, through home movies or experience, and I always think how nice it would be to have someone that was interested enough in me and I in them that we would want to try to be a part of such a long history of stuff impossible to catch up on. Just trying to be there and not panicking from the loud intense moments or panicking and knowing it is OK.

So for me holidays alone do not make me lonely, just hopeful that I will be able to find someone eventually so they can share that with me while every single family member is around.

I want to know their favorite Christmas book so I can have it waiting to read to them before we go to sleep in the unfamiliar pull out bed in the guest room. I want to bring them down to open presents with me on Christmas and have them smell the coffee and taste the pancakes my dad makes and watch me and my sister be completely goofy once she has had her coffee. I want them to see the similarities between me and my dad(he is basically what I will look like in 30 years), and the many morals and creativity I have gotten from my mother. I want them to also see the talents my family has as they sit around the piano and sing, or sit and talk and joke(I want them to see my Uncle make the most ridiculous jokes), or just understand the love we all have for each other when we sit and watch a movie. The things holidays sometimes force you to do with your Family. I mean watching me and my sister curse to rile up my Mom is fun as hell, and watching us both freak out from random triggers unknown to us and needing to go lay down or get away for a minute.

I suppose holidays force you to see if someone wants to see who YOU are. It forces your significant other to be there and participate in your life. Because in the end family is the most important thing to all of us and I think many of us want to see how they interact with our families in the most extreme situations such as holidays force upon you. Not as a test but just as a way to get to know them and for them to get to know you better. Because honestly meeting them on a random Friday works too, holidays just give it a different atmosphere. There is no hiding who you have been in front of your family.

There is something strong that goes along with being part of the Italian Catholic family. Guilt and Family, oh and food. So while I may not be the definition of this, I like to at least share the parts I love the most about it, and have that hand to hold when I myself start to freak out from the pressures the holidays can bring.

Holidays, oh Holidays… Sometimes I guess I just want to cap them off with that New Year’s kiss, but not just a kiss, but something that you remember and look forward to at midnight. Not because it is different than the other kisses but because it is something deemed special by whatever book we have all been following. And that is one chapter I don’t mind adhering too. Even if it means a little planning is involved to get both our lives in the same place at that one tiny moment in time, I want to have that moment and I want to shuffle around some plans to make it happen.

Why? Because life is moments. And why deny ourselves moments that could be spectacular. And why not try them out even if they fail. Nothing to lose in the end really. We will be better off either way. Either way we find answers.

I guess touching on my last post a little, I know one thing, the chase is great, but eventually it is nice to know you are chasing something that you can give yourself to in a way you don’t just give a friend. And in return they will give it back. I myself realize I can only play for so long before I start to forget who I am because I am playing not being. I love to live in that moment but I need to live in it as me because otherwise I will second guess everything, and while that isn’t bad to work with someone else, I find it is healthy to be able to re-assess your points of view with people as long as they are willing to do it as well. So when the other is playing around or just being a separated version of themselves you are not actually re-assessing for reasons beyond a simple seconds worth of thought from the other person. I guess holidays have a tendency to make you think about a relationship like you do with your family and if you are willing to make the extra effort to do a simple act of opening the door for them or just as much, invest your time. A sort of unconditional love so to say. But more-so just the comfort of the things that don’t stress you as well, like your old room you left after college or the familiar star on the tree.

Holidays boldly try to make those beginning times happen quicker than you may feel comfortable with. So in that sense Holidays are a pain in the ass, but in the same sense, what’s the difference if Holidays help it along or not. I definitely see both sides here, and don’t have the answer as to yay or nay to either. It is finding someone who is open to a little bit of exploration whenever life decided to bring them together with you that is usually the crux. One person cannot make another change or be something other than what they want, I just wish more people could embrace feelings and regardless of past STUFF can live with it and let themselves open up to figuring out yay or nay without too much pulling of the others hair in-between. I know I can give a whole lot of myself to someone, but I have the reverse wall of others sometimes, mine becomes much more solid and impenetrable the longer I feel like their wall is stopping them from just enjoying those moments where they break character, the moments where the smiles are real, the feelings are overwhelming and indescribable, but instead of sucking back the tears of a moment like we do to save face, we just enjoy the release it brings and ride the wave of whatever the fuck it could mean, good or bad, past, present, or future thoughts.

And now that I have rambled my head off, I leave you with the same disclaimer as usual:

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

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“I love you”: One of the most overused phrases in our culture. Love is an action. We have to be willing to show it, not just say it.

A Poem

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Some people are angry, some are sad…
Some people are stagnant, and some are bad…
But there are those people
here and there,
that spread their smile and cheer in the air.
No worries of income or status to gloat
No need for 72 virgins or a private boat
The truth my friends is honest and clear…
To spend our time loving and spreading out cheer.
Our days may not always be filled with glee
sometimes having to wait in line to pee…
But that is the magic of life which abounds,
The ability to just be and share that small insight…
To our minds, our souls,
Sharing a small bit of our inner light.
We are all individuals to what makes us whole.
But at the end of the day we are humans one and all.
So this holiday season, forget the fat man in the chimney..
And share your day be it good or bad,
For those moments of interaction with people around,
are the moments we remember before we are put in the ground.

😛

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The gift of photography! http://tristanpope.com

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#christmas #photography #booknow Give the gift of indulgence this Christmas without the marshmallow santas. Http://tristanpope.com

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Some more Christmas cheer. A little darker this time…

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Need a great Gift for you or someone you know? Give the gift of indulgence without the Chocolate covered Marshmallow Santas! http://tristanpope.com/

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50 Shades of Grey

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Eyes to Brain… FUCK! My OKCupid Date.

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What the fuck did I walk into last night….

So I had a date.

This girl messaged me on OkCupid and I was actually really looking forward to meeting her from what she said in response to a message I guess I sent a month back saying “You need more smiles”,

“I just saw this message. You sent it in May and it is now July.. That probably means that you are no longer single. Your profile is probably a dead entity taking up virtual space — just like mine. Anyway I read your novel. You’ve got sass and I like that. But specifically sass with a purpose. Purposeful sass if you will. Like there’s something going on in your mind. You know how many people seem to have nothing going on in their minds? A bunch of people walking around who are already dead on the inside. Anyway if you are not in something serious, engaged, married, if OKCupid has not yet fulfilled your wildest dreams we should talk more.

No emotion in my face girl”

So one would assume from this message, the back and forth would be a LOT of fun, as well she would not be into social norms that make you have to disassociate with normal thought process in order to “game each other” into wanting to talk more, rather than just talking in a flow of thoughts and ideas.

So I sent her a message back, started slow, one paragraph (that is hard for me!)

She wrote back 2, and asked for me to tell her something she didn’t know. So I wrote back 4 paragraphs.

4 days go by, nothing..

I don’t check that site often so I ran across it and pinged her, “Hey did I lose ya?”

She writes back no, we should meet. I am like ok cool.

Number given. 3 days go by nothing.

I message her again asking what’s up. I do however break that message into two as my thought process is not always succinct. Figure why not. I am not giving her a ring, I am asking about making plans.

It seems like these “Hey are you alive” messages are the only way for her to respond as she replies almost immediately and says, let’s me Friday.

Ok, cool. (OR SHOULD I SAY HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR!)
So I suggest the place and we are a GO!

I always leave a bit early for meeting people. I like to be on time, but heat, traffic, and friday rush hour =’s me being 30 minutes late. I messaged early to say I was stuck in traffic and would be late, I rushed in the subway, ran a few stairs, ya know the “give it effort while trying not to melt in 107 degree weather for the first date”.

So I get out of the subway and immediately call her phone to say I am here and apologize once again. She says she went into the store close by and will be down in like 10 minutes, I was like thats cool, she is probably checking out or some shit. Least I can do is wait for her to finish up whatever she was doing to pass time while I was trying to get there.

So somehow I chose Columbus Circle, the CENTER OF “wind”. Wind hits the center monument/fountain from 3 or 4 different directions at once, making the heat actually very bearable and comfortable. The fountains spraying a mist of lovely water in your face as well. I was watching couples who just went into the fountains laying out on one another, thinking to myself, man too bad this is a first date, that is a fucking great idea, and honestly my ideal date. Comfortable soaked, relaxing, and just talking. Ahh so much fun to see, the ballet street performers, the skate boarders, the annoying “camera man” shooting his light bar of 50000 LEDS in our faces for each jump, the crazy guy, the hipsters, the drunk, the tourists snapping shots of everything, the older guys wanting to be part of the younger kids fun helping them up after each jump… I digress. But why am I digressing? I look at my phone….

I got there at 8. It is now 8:30.

…

What would YOU think?

I thought I was being stood up. I also considered perhaps I was being punished for being late? I mean does it take 30 minutes to do whatever the fuck she was doing?

8:40 I text, because I am always weary of sending “too many texts” before I meet someone, since there is some unwritten etiquette about that, that I really just don’t get.

My phone rings. “Where are you?”

“At the statue… like we said… where are you?”

“I am there, I don’t see you. “

I spot her: “Neon orange dress with polka dots?” (not gonna touch this one)

I wave, she sees me, we hang up.

I ask her, “so uhmmm did you wait 30 minutes to get me back for being late? hehe” (in my sarcastic tone, YAY BEING IN PERSON AND TALKING, no one can misunderstand me now!)

She looks at me and this is where I realize things are about to go REALLY BADLY, he mouth is moving, but her eyes and face are making no facial expressions. NOTHING, no movement, just stuck, like they just finished collagen injections.

**Eyes to Tristan’s Brain… FUCK**

She says, “Oh I was talking with friends I used to work with in there.” No expression, no apology, no nothing.

I am still staring at her like an alien waiting for ANY expression, burning her skin with my eyes popping out of my skull trying to see any indicator if she is actually a person. I am probably pushing my head forward too.

So I say, “Good call on the statue, at least it was cool here. I almost feel stupid to leave it in this weather…”

wait for a response of any sort… nothing… dead pan face, diverting eyes, making me feel like some sort of disfigured being.

“Ok, well I know a really good frozen yogurt place right here I figured we could grab some and then head over to (I forget the name of Lincoln center, so I tell her) the place where they have the ballet, oh what’s the name of that place again..?”

nothing. long pause as she begins to walk. Me wondering where the fuck she is going.

Her, “let’s go into the park and sit on a rock.”

**Ears to Tristan’s Brain… “let’s go get mugged in central park at night with Minny Mouse and myself as the aryan race white kid” FUCK**

Her, “Frozen yogurt is too fattening.” “I am on a diet, I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should since my ex fiance and I separated.” “I am doing yoga now” “Frozen yogurt has too much sugar”. (You had to hear it, see her, and understand that Frozen Yogurt on the hottest day in the entire YEAR was NOT going to ruin ANY “diet” she was on.)
ALL DEAD FACE, EYES JUTTING EVERYWHERE, NO EXPRESSION.

“So that didn’t take long, not even 30 seconds in and we are talking about your ex fiance eh? I was gonna avoid that topic so not to get ya on it”

Nothing…

“How many times have you been engaged?”

Oh and by the way we are now walking into the park, down a hill. And she says REALLY LOUD, “You lied on your profile”. And I am now just not even sure what is happening, I feel like I am being attacked by a pug dog with no teeth and made of marshmallows. The constant barrage of “WTF” moments coming out of an expressionless entity next to me, me just thinking the whole time, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me and why do I do dating sites, people are on it who are obviously broken and not there because they think it is convenient. My brain is literally chanting it like a mantra at this point because I want to go home. “You lied about your height, you ARE NOT 5’10!”

Now, normally I wouldn’t get upset if someone said I wasn’t the height the DOCTORS SAY I AM. But she literally was yelling at me, in a way where she obviously thought very highly of herself for cracking someone online dating site code of “guys who lie about their height”. Which btw apparently IS A THING!!! lol.

So I am now just looking at her saying, “are you serious?”

“You lied, you are not 5’10”

I assess the situation, look at her height compared to mine, see she is eye level with me, so I assume she is also 5’10, I say, “How tall are you?”

She says “5’7 and I am taller than you.”

Now I am just dumbfounded. Unless I am shrinking, I am not under 5’7. I look down at the street, and notice I am on the decline of an uneven road. I walk around her, say, “How about now? Still lying?”

She does the no expression darting eyes to every corner of the globe thing, and I think she mumbles “lying” “every guy lies about it on there” or some shit.

Now I am pissed, and offer to take a break from our lovely walk into shady central, to perhaps go get a measuring tape. I mean how else do you argue against it?

I try to change subjects as she brushes her hand against me by accident, I say, “Wanna hold hands already!?” To which she says,

“Oh that is just my ring” to which I look at and see a giant monstrosity on her finger. “I have been engaged so many times I need something there to keep my mind off of all the relationships.”

SO SHE PUTS A GIANT PAPERWEIGHT THERE TO CLEAR HER MIND OF IT…………………………… I don’t say it a lot or ever for that matter but FML.

Now we are back at my original question before I almost got thrown off the ride for not being the “right height”.

“How many Fiances have you had?”

“3”

I am like, you already had 3?

She says she had 1 at 17, 1 at 18 and another that lasted 8 years that just ended six months ago. She tells me that she grew up in the south, and that is the way things are, but she no longer believes in it.

We change subjects and we get on the subject of bad OkCupid dates, and me saying most people use it as a hookup or to mask having an STD. To which she asks me to tell her a story of one, so I do.

I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say a girl one time, waited till the very last second, of something that should NOT BE held off until the last second one time to tell me she had herpes. Which BTW, I prefaced with “Tested, Clean, Don’t have an STD”. And the minute I said the word herpes, this girl about faced, and started walking in high gear BACK UP THE FUCKING HILL.. no joke.. mumbling “No thanks” “You can catch it by talking to someone, kissing, touching….” and some other indiscernible jumbled freak out. So I catch up with her after not understanding what the HELL just happened.

I tell her, “This happened like 3 years ago, I do not have herpes, I get tested on a regular basis, and I do NOT sleep around.”

To which she says, “Oh you are one of those people!?”

To which I don’t even know what the fuck to say, one of what people? RESPONSIBLE!?!?

She continues her speed walk up the hill, to which I say, “So are you completely serious right now? Are you walking away? Is this over?”

“You sent me 4 emails before we even met!”
EYES DARTING ALL OVER THE FUCKING GLOBE AGAIN, FACE DEADPAN AS ALWAYS!

So now I am starting to put the pieces together. She was freaking out about this before we even met.

So I say, “And?”

“That just seems excessive no?”

To which I say some diatribe about social norms and emails not meaning marriage or anything other than me talking and sharing and ultimately leading to us finally meeting.

I actually was getting pretty angry now, and dug into her with something or another, basically saying how she was being fucking ridiculous and if she didn’t tell me what the fuck was up I was going to walk, and she could continue power walking away. Something about how I should be the one walking away with the crazy she was giving off.

Eventually she turned around, and we began to walk to the rocks again.. Why I didn’t walk right then is beyond me, I guess I was intrigued by this now, and wanted more story to tell? As we are walking on the “height altering hill AGAIN” she said:

“I used to talk to my ex fiance 1-3 times a day, and we emailed, and talked on the phone, and.. and… ya know what he said at the end of the relationship?”

“He said, he had no idea who I was. That just goes to show there is a WHOLE lot of me to get to know. I am not an easy book to read, and am very complex.” **Dead Pan face as usual**

Lifting my jaw off the floor, unsure how to answer anyone who says they are in a relationship for 8 years and brags about their OWN FIANCE not knowing them after the entire 8 years… their fiance who probably pissed says a generic line such as “I don’t even know who you are” and it is taken as being complex, not even being taken into account. At this point I realize this “complex person” has pretty much just showed me all their cards in about 10 minutes of knowing them, and they think they are so complex… if crazy, closed off, and not in tune with their own emotions is complex, than MAN they had it to a science!

She even said at some point that night, that she was so in touch with her emotions and opening emotionally to people that she often takes things so personally that she has trouble getting over it, and it hinders her from talking and expressing her feelings. To which I thought… isn’t that the opposite of opening yourself up and being ready or good and bad? I mean me personally I open myself up like a book to good and bad in order to get to the truth faster, and am lucky to have a very strong ability to rebound back from the bad shit that hits. But she is telling me she is so in tune with her emotions that if her and her ex fiance fought, they would often close off to one another, because they were so emotionally distressed from it…
So because at this point I just need more punishment, I ask why it ended, to which I am told he had anger issues. To which I probe more, and find out that means punching walls next to her head. Which is no joke. But it kinda makes more sense now. This girl has no idea what her emotions are, her face showing it perfectly. FUCKING SMILE PLEASE!!!

And she was in an abusive relationship, to which she assumes she was hurting the guy for staying in it even when she was no longer happy. Dude was throwing punches, I think he can deal.

This was classic “beaten wife syndrome” for lack of a better term. And it was fucking scary.

I am not even quite sure how to explain the end of it, we sat on rocks for 45 mintues before she said, “I have to meet my friend, the one who has herpes”. (remember the disease which she thought she would catch from me because I had known someone with it?) To which I am like… Oh so it is not actually a date then… And since at that point I had been talkin to myself most of the time just to not have to listen to her anymore, when she said “but I don’t have to go right away, I am actually enjoying our conversation”(Apparently she warmed up to me?) I was like oh nooooo we should start walking.. Left her saying something along the lines of “well you can email me since we know how you feel about that” lol. Walked away and danced a bit to be free. Stopped back home after a fiasco with broken down buses, grabbed an amazing gelato or twenty. And just savored every spoonful, feeling spite for her “diet” each delicious spoonful.

And thus concludes my 45 minute OKCupid “date”….

P.S. I made her laugh ONCE the whole night, with some deadpan, perfectly timed joke, that was really morbid. Go me. lol

P.P.S. My Profile now has a HUGE disclaimer:

Dead serious: If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I spent a lot of my summers growing up in Zurich where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point. And for the last 10% if you are here because you are socially inept, use this for any other reason other than convenience, including just wanting to date multiple people and fuck them, I am not the person you want to go on a date with, I am loud, boisterous, and love conversation.

P.P.P.S. I took it down 😛

A silver tongue, without a silver lining.

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

Life is being a bitch right now. It is teasing me with wit. It is allowing me a silver tongue. But it is hindering my physical being from feeling the reward or gains from such skills.

The seasons change, the fall scents burn in glass next to me, the wind blows through my railroad apartment, room to room, allowing it to stay fresh. The crisp voices of celtic instruments pearce the crisp air. But I sit stagnant, in mind.

The irony of a stagnant mind, with wit in spurts like that of a man’s orgasm, extremely exciting but often short lived and tiring afterwards. Alas, these feelings have given me back my “brain to finger” ability to spew my stream of consciousness again. Why can’t my writing do what it does for others. Why can’t it answer me, make me clear? It is only a reflection for me in years to come. I cannot send an email of links, I cannot read a diatribe of moments, I can only spew my own day, unable to understand it tomorrow. Do you have to feel stuck or lost to truly write? Can you only truly express if you see a world that perhaps is a little too clear, but you are stuck in the fog? I can see you, I can feel you, but I don’t think I can allow myself to feel and see me. Or maybe I just see, but the feels, oh those feels, they fuck me, and they fuck me hard.

I am a physical person who needs sunlight to look at creases in lips and curvatures of eyes to what’s being said. The problem is, I see those happy moments, and I, being impatient, do not know how to properly step to the next day. I pace and grow restless. I want that want on both ends, but enough of a chase where you don’t overstay the kind gesture to watch the puppydog love on weekends. I want there to be a yearn, but a yearn to learn more, not love more. I have enough love for those who I will give it to eventually. I am in no rush to love, I am however in a fast sprint to finding out how to give it, without feeling cheated. I want there to be an inquisition for knowledge.

I did realize some interesting shit yesterday about where I am at. I am a layered mother fucker and I honestly don’t know what layer is going to show when at the moment. I could be romantic, or introverted, outgoing, or horny. It’s weird too because usually I control my personality more but it seems life is at one of those autumn like changes again and I don’t actually know which onion peel is gonna fuck with me on a given day. I do know however by chance run into those who seem open to that and I think that momentarily freaks me out. I think anyone who can see me even if it was just that days me freaks me out. It is what I with all my body, absolutely will dive head over heals to finally get, but whenever I see it in the slightest it feels like a knife to the anxiety, subconscious, self conscious gut. Not all the time but at first. It takes away control. Which while not consciously wanting it all, subconsciously letting go is a vulnerable sense. I know when the first kiss is right, when the timing is proper, but right now my logic and action are two different beings. They literally are far enough away to have a proper duel. Even then, I find people who are OK with that as well. So what does it do? Makes me, already floating in space only attached to George Clooney’s shitty performance, feel very alone, even though all other signs point to a hand to hold other than his untethered one.

I on the same note realize not everyone likes the open first date. They prefer fast and quick. A dinner is often too much. And a drink is often too selfish. I don’t blame them. I can see the benefits of both. But this autumn day allowed for the perfect cinematic backdrop. Yet still, brain, you wanted more? You still want more? What the hell else do you want? A goddamn notarized letter of acceptance? Wasn’t the smile after a kiss enough? Wasn’t the perk up in the corner of her eyes enough when you met her in a glance?

Autumn changes and so do I. Call it a midlife crisis or a month of fucked momentum,. Oddly, I am extremely clear on my my passions, my drive, and I know my love. Eventually when I make those combine as I did once before, the clouds of fog will hopefully clear a bit. I do feel as though I may need a bit of assistance here now at this moment. I do feel as though I am more needy than I normally am, or maybe the feeling of need is compounded by my own need for myself. The need to hear a compliment about my passions and know you I can make it work versus being dumbfounded by the idea that it means very little than a boasted ego. This isn’t above love, this is about passion, ambition, drive, callings. I have accomplished many missions, yet I still yearn to explore past the universe’s edges. To that of compliments over calamity, I found a great comfort and effort given to me, I had not seen in a long time.

It will become clear eventually. Today, tomorrow, a year. I don’t care really as long as I don’t waste each day in a falsity of who I am today. So please forgive me for breaking the three text limit rule, please forgive me for not having my shit 100% together, forgive me for having multiple personality disorder on any given day at the moment. Because I promise, if in time, what it is, grows.. well eventually I will know the answer to the rubix cube in my brain, I will get the colors lined up. It will look like a Jackson Pollock. But it will make sense to me and because we will understand regardless of good bad ugly it will be beautiful to both. And that is where I will give love. Not today, not tomorrow, but in time. Time filled with that search for a soul, mine, yours, those around, and the ones past.

But like I say and say again, I know nothing of you, I am not the puppy attached to your hip, I am only an impatient boy, yelling, Mom.. mommy. momma.. Mom! Just to get the residual approval of a “Hello”.

An analysis of everything yet nothing at all.

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

Timeline Photos | Facebook
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Aww

Spew

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

Whether I am ranting about The “Gay"mer, or culture, or gaming-isms… it all comes down to the same shit. Be respectful. The reality is we can only change that within ourselves. But that is a good step.

And maybe when you want to be surrounded by self respecting/outward respecting people, then the changes happen, because those who don’t become the minority.

The attention craving, racism spewing, ignorant others, have to finally look in the mirror, one which the gaming culture is often happy to throw a sheet over for them in order to keep the group alive until the boss is dead.

The “Gay”mer

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

Before World of Warcraft made gaming a worldwide cultural phenomenon and changed the way most people viewed gamers, i.e. not just something the “reclusive” and people without “social lives” participated in, I used to get a lot of slack from others for gaming.

If I wanted to stay home and play a video game my friends would look at me cross eyed. Thus I even shunned myself from gaming and would go out every night, otherwise I myself felt I was wasting my life.

Now ever since my first few days in my first MMO, Ultima Online, gamers have been a rabid bunch. They are quick to judge, fast with the tongue, and often very unforgiving. As the avenues for “expression” became larger and the forums wider, those once 14 year olds continued their discriminating banter into what is now many peoples 30’s and 40’s.

Why?

I dunno about you but I was not the “popular” kid when I first discovered video games. If I was I probably wouldn’t have ended up sinking so much time into them in the first place. Now considering that there are probably a lot of people in the same boat of being the “outcast” the kid who was made fun of, or just having to deal with a little more bullshit than others, why oh why do we go at each other so much in games? Why do we create the same hostile environment in worlds where the entire point is to disconnect a bit from reality and be able to choose for ourselves?

Is skill in a video game the equivalent of “Popularity” in highschool? Does it give you the right to demean, verbally abuse, and do everything you yourself dislike when it is done to you, to others without any remorse? Is the disconnect of anonymity part of it? You would think so but with the release of Facebook, Twitter, and other social mediums where you use your real life name to talk to others and comment on things, I see very little concern for the words people direct at others. Here is a random pull from a search using the term fag and gay:

I think back when anonymity meant something it helped to lay the groundwork for what is now the “socially acceptable norm” for The’Gay’mer. So when anonymity started to fade, people were already ingrained with a culture based on prior shared experience that it continued forward and no one really stood up and said… “I think this is wrong”.

So what we are left with is a now growing gaming culture, that some would even say is more popular than hollywood and movies in terms of time invested, but an archaic and disgusting sense of identification.

“You are such a Fag”, “I r_ped your nigga ass”, “That dude that ganked me is soo gay”.
This is what is associated with The ‘Gay’mer. Even coming up with their own iteration of the word; “ghey”.

Why is no one upset by this? It seems the more “gamer” you are, the more stupid the shit that comes out of your mouth is. But instead of backlash, you are solidifying your status amongst the other gamers.

Why has The ’Gay’mer, who probably had to deal with this kind of abuse during highschool, OK with dishing it out to others in this gaming bubble we have created filled with shit and bile?

Why is it in The ‘Gay’mer’s DNA to make up excuses for why they were “ganked” or “lost” that blames everyone, everything, but themselves. Why are gamer’s so quick to blame a weapon, a spell, or a mechanic of a game for their own demise, rather than take responsibility for it, learn from it, and get better? Why would The ‘Gay’merrather spend more time bitching, moaning, and slandering the person on the other side of the screen, then playing the game they are paying for? Why must they tell people not to use mechanics in the game, so things are “fair”? And if they refuse, they obviously have proven they are “better” than the obviously “gay” person they are fighting.

The logic here just flies out the fucking window with vengeance.

I mean, half the time the shit being said is actually in turn, meaning the person saying it is “gay”. “I’m making you suck my balls!” “I just fucked your ass!”. Really?

Even the big names in gaming,(http://alttabme.com/forum/index.php…d-know-better-shit-be-better.2325/#post-23531) have played into these stereotypes, making videos where they talk in high pitched stereotypical slurring voices, pretending to be “gay”, dropping derogatoryremarks left and right, shit and fart jokes up and down, just to get more views? What age group are they catering to? How does anyone in their late 20’s or 30’s think it is a good idea to act like a neanderthal? Why is it OK to throw out manners, morals, and what might otherwise get you literally fucked up on a street corner in the real world?

If you ask me there ISN’T. As games start to invade our pop culture more and more, we really need to take a stance on it. As I mentioned earlier World Of Warcraft really boosted gaming into the spotlight. Time to become responsible.

I am 29 years old and I don’t want to log into a game and feel like I just turned back time to my teen years. Whether it is the derogatory names, the misuse of offensive words, or just the constant back and forth razzing of one another in a form that just pisses someone off in the long run; it is a constant barrage of shit you would only consider funny when you didn’t know any better and MOST of you know better if you are over the age of 16. I am tired of getting fatigued by the blatant disregard for others in games, otherwise known as “General Chat”. Why the minute The ‘Gay’mer turns on their PC, console, or YouTube video, they are transported to a really mean version of a racist bigot at the age of 12, back on the playground, throwing sand with the intention of hurting one another.

When I was younger, I was called gay enough times to make me actually keep a journal of everything that was said, question my own sexuality, and lose a whole lot of sleep thinking I was magically going to turn gay, because some fucking pre-pubescent kid wanted to look cool to his friends, by calling me the “word of the day”. Do people not realize, even though obviously the kid didn’t use the word “gay” in the exact way it is defined, it still impacts the receiver. Now the other thing that gets me fired up is that if you are using “gay” as a derogatory term, then obviously you see someone who is gay as being a negative thing. That doesn’t fly with me.

You all do realize it fucking meant HAPPY at one point right?

Then you get people saying they are going to r_pe you, or they just got r_ped. Please, for gods sake look up the definition of that word. It is NOT in context, EVER, the way The ‘Gay’mer is using it. Now think for one second, what if one of the people in your group WAS r_ped, and you are just willy nilly throwing around that word over and over, bringing back up something that they don’t need to hear when GAMING for a release?

How are your words and actions affecting those around you? Do this generation of gamer’s actually care? You wonder why your girlfriend doesn’t want you playing games all the time, when you are screaming racism and r_pe into your mic to what is probably a 12 year old playing CoD on your Xbox.

The fact that kids and adults, alike, are just throwing these words around while gaming is a shame. It truly upsets me and it gives gamer’s a bad reputation overall. And women wonder why they are portrayed poorly in video games. The problem goes much further than just perception, first you need to convince all The ‘Gay’mer’s that the way they are treating one another is wrong. Then maybe they will be open to changing the perception of women in games. But then again, how do you even address sexism when the top word to use for getting killed in a game is “r_pe”?

AltTabMe was built with a VERY strict No Tolerance Policy for all of this. Why? Because we truly believe that a gamer can love games, play games, and still be mature, open, accepting, and not project their own “bullied” mentality on others. We have a community that can debate politics, religion, sexuality, and still jump in a game afterwards and play as friends. Why you might ask? Because we all have a common love; gaming. That love mediates us to have educated, mature discussions/debates, rather than just acting out our childhoods times 50. We all understand that even taking a step back from the “in your face” derogatory comments and looking at the micro level of “push and pull” baiting, “sarcasm”, and joking at anothers expense, no matter how big or small, when multiplied by numerous times in a day, week, month, hour… can make someone just no longer enjoy being around you. We are a culture that expresses love with a big giant “Fuck You”. I feel we are better than that.

Take the challenge of loving with your heart?
(link:http://alttabme.com/forum/index.php?threads/here-is-an-open-challenge-to-anyone-who-wants-it.3224/)

We all have some amazing memories from gaming. Some amazing stories to tell, but you don’t rehash the stories of the time you got “r_ped” by the “fag” when you talk about how cool a game was, you talk about the relationships, friendships, and awesome fun you had.
(Example: http://alttabme.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-favorite-pvp-explanation.3716/)

Take responsibility for yourself. That is how change happens. The ‘Gay’mer needs a serious makeover, so for fucks sake, make a change yourself and show some self control, worst case scenario you have changed your own aspect of what it is to be a gamer, best case you set an example for those around you, and it spreads, like a zombie apocalypse, but easier and less running.

And in case you thought this kind of culture wasn’t contagious to the next generation just watch this. While you may laugh, think really hard about this, and if this was your child, how proud would YOU be to be the parent?

The thing I think people don’t even take into consideration is the plain and simple fact that if you act a certain way or treat others a certain way, with the intent of being malicious, be it a “joke” or not, you will eventually get bleed over into your “non-internet life”. This isn’t the 90’s where we weren’t connected 24/7 at the hip. This is 2013 where the internet IS our real life. While a child being brought into this kind of “gaming culture” might get a free pass, why are adults as well? Then when that kid grows up and has seen no repercussions for his/her racist, sexist, demoralizing remarks, how do you expect them to act when they are your boss, or coworker, or friend? We think the only way to teach is by talking, but we forget that when we say nothing, we have taught silent re-enforcement/approval. I have watched kids get called on on Twitter for saying the dumbest things and that is a good step. While we may say, “But they are a kid, they don’t know what they are saying”, I think they know enough to choose whether or not to publicly say hurtful remarks.

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This is after his twitter would not stop blowing up from the backlash, maybe this will be a wake up for him so he doesn’t do it again:

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Children must understand when they are young and not the coach of a highschool football team, that saying things in a public sphere has or at least SHOULD have consequences.

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You will see more public “shaming” as it is called, going around sites like twitter and tumblr. They point out these users and capture their moments of racism/stupidity/etc in what can only be considered the Internet’s archive of viral stupidity. Do you want to be known via a Google search for that? Known or not, do you want to be part of that?
http://alttabme.com/forum/index.php?threads/i-am-90-of-the-time-embarrassed-to-be-an-american.3641/

I honestly think other sites like YouTube, should start handing out repercussions(take away their commenting privileges) to people who treat others like shit. Free speech that looks like this:

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Is most definitely not what our four fathers intended when they wrote the constitution. What GOOD is this doing? Tell me the benefits and I will perhaps change my mind…

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An don’t you dare tell me it is a life lesson. Fuck that shit. The problem compounds itself when people just accept it as part of “who we are”. I refuse to accept this. And as long as me and the other mods are in charge of AltTabMe, it will NEVER be a part of who WE are either. We choose to take control of our internet and make it a place we never feel ostracized from or hesitant to log into and speak our minds in a manner that we ourselves feel is both positive and productive.

Want to know the secret to making big changes? Live it yourself. Simplest thing you can do. Make the changes you want to, to yourself and you have taken a step in the right direction. You are the most responsible for yourself. Don’t worry about the grand scheme. We didn’t and look at our community: 1000+ members who didn’t melt, explode, or turn into butter for being… wait for it… civil.

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety, and movies.

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

There is a very interesting trend I have noticed with movies lately. The movies addressing why in our minds we may feel sad, depressed, happy, joyous, entitled, or just lost. They have started to address the idea that we medicate to preserve ourselves from ourselves. And they are putting it in the middle of a Romance, not to say they are romanticizing it but they are giving it a commonality that we can feel and touch. But they also point out that this is some of the first times in history that do not have the “impact” of a WWII where we have the time and acceptance from those around us to explore deeper. But with any self exploration comes ups and downs. I think the first example I can point out was in the movie “Beginners”. It started off with a more blatant approach:

In Beginners you get these summations of what the world was for his father through pictures of the time he lived in; 1950’s. From snapshots of the war or comparisons of doctors and families and the difference between the way they grew up and the way we did. You find out he is and was gay for his entire marriage and when his wife passes away he can finally explore it. What that impact had on his marriage and what impact it had on him. You learn what he had to lose if he openly said he was gay, “His family”, the black and white smiling pictures of kids and parents at a pool or at the beach. You also learn how the world of today allows him to finally explore his own self more than he was allowed to when he was growing.

Then they talk about our generation with the same pictures: “We didn’t go to this war, we didn’t have to hide to have gay sex, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for, and happiness I never saw with them. We didn’t know how we learned the stories in our heads, but sometimes they stopped running, and sometimes I could really see those in front of me. “

It is that one part that really hits home, the fact that our good fortune has allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for. There is a strong truth in this and often overlooked. We are a generation of great opportunity and freedoms that were not there for our parents or more importantly their parents(depending what age you are), but with that has introduced more sense of introspection and self exploration, which in turn leads to depression, doctors always pointing at our mothers or fathers or past as reasons for which we may be “fucked up”, and the advancement of drugs that can help to bandage these kinds of feelings. So you get the one movie, where it began, ironically enough called Beginners. The idea being people in their late mid thirties still not having a clue to how the world works or how they fit into it, just beginning.

The second movie I saw was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This movie is addressed directly at the youngest generations. Starring the younger generation of actors in a feature film dedicated to the idea of repressed memories, medication, exploration, bullying, and sexual orientation. It doesn’t use subtle metaphors or subliminal messaging, it comes right out with a blatant toast to the main character Charlie who has no friends, “A Toast to our new friend Charlie.”
Charlie asks, “What did I do”
He is responded to with, “Nothing, you see things, and you understand, you’re a wallflower. *pause* What is it what’s wrong?”
Charlie says, “I didn’t think anyone noticed me.”
Responded by, “We didn’t think there was anyone cool left to meet. To Charlie!”
Emma Watson knees down and say, “Welcome to the island of misfit toys.”

They use drug use, alcohol, sex, fights, and highschool as huge catalysts for what is a very well done story of what it felt like to be in highschool. I personally could relate ridiculously well in terms of the “feeling” of highschool.

The feeling of highschool. Those moments in time. Those frozen periods of time. Something only accessible when we were young. We were told so many times to that we would soul search to find ourselves but as we aged the ability to do so diminished in a way that maybe we had already been ourselves, found ourselves, been free with ourselves. Or maybe the way we could cope with life back then diminished, changed, dispersed over time not allowing our brains enough free space to explore like we could when kids because now we defended. The carefree mindspace filled making our souls more inaccessible than ever, but because we grew up being told we would have to “find ourselves” we were given a vest of dynamite as little children and don’t know any other way of getting the door open than blowing ourselves up in the process. These roadblocks put up by experience and life. Easily hurdled by youth, and easier to trip on by age. And metaphors aside… I will now tangent some more…

The lights of the monitors all around us probably have something to do with it. The idea that even if we aren’t connected that dim flicker of a screen versus the frozen moment in time we can put into poetry or story of our childhood. Or maybe it is the fact that the screens don’t flicker anymore, they are bright lights if all put together could be seen from outer space. Those lost feelings of just being happy and free driving windows down music up cigarette lit.

The movie is almost a glorified version of the reality we live in today. The need to explore our minds more than our fathers. The consequences we suffer when we do not. The repercussions a repressed memory or hatred, or sense of being bullied or bullying may effect us as we strive for answers. The not so easy and often extremely painful journey for, but shortened in the film, release you may get by paying attention to the shift in socially inaccessible PTSD or the repressed memory. “We didn’t go to this war, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for…”
Same story different generation this time. The younger generation, the self medicated generation, the 1% generation(let me go on record saying I hate the 99% vs the 1% shit and occupy wall street is a whole other can of worms I don’t wanna open right now, but I will say I think half of it was bs).

Sure as we see in the Rants section of alttabme.com, the hot button topics often get the bigger topics sidelined or overlooked these days, especially when it comes to politics or the people as a bigger entity, a greater whole, but even though that may be true for the purposes of the movie and a general shift in our societies “forefront thoughts” they fit perfectly for the presentation this movie had to offer. Then you get to the movie I saw last night “Silver Linings Playbook”, to which the synopsis written on the back of this movie is quite misleading:“After a stint in a mental institution, former teacher Pat Solitano moves back in with his parents and tries to reconcile with his ex-wife. Things get more challenging when Pat meets Tiffany, a mysterious girl with problems of her own.”

Sounds like FUN! Robert De Niro, Bradley Cooper, the actors of my generation! This movie will be a blast!

Well it turns out this movie is variation of the movies above but this time catered toward my generation more. The 20-30 model. In order to make this work they focus more on forming a situation that causes that “repression” or undiagnosed mental hiccup to become the forefront. In a way it is forcing the issue as one would be exposed to the idea of sobriety at an AA meeting. For my generation the idea of “talking about your feelings” was just on the cusp of being acceptable but still held and holds a great stigma. Going on medication would frighten people and threaten relationships. It isn’t until my generation hit a certain age where we realized that our parents telling us we didn’t need therapy might have been bullshit. But because it was so ingrained in our heads as a bad thing we turned to one another for support. So you have the broken helping the broken.

This can often lead to some fragmented relationships that can only end in one person’s happiness and one person being content. Either one person gets something out of the relationship and makes steps towards exploration and the other realizes they need to step away to let them now learn who they are or you are stuck in a situation where you realize the “crazy” isn’t going away anytime soon and if your crazy isn’t at the level of crazy of the other or even if it is, can you both deal with it and progress forward. Not necessarily in a step by step direction but in a progression for your love, for your well being, and for your selfishness. The hardest part I think is recognizing it is OK to be selfish.

This movie did a spectacular way of showing that crazy being met by more crazy to help in a once again romanticized ending. While I may not agree with the way it “works out” I do agree with the fact that these movies are realizing something we, as a people, may not even be aware of. They are movies, they are entertainment, but they are truths bottled up into scripts, portrayed by society inflated personas. The Shakespearean Fool is how I would define me as a personality if ever asked to give the best description of myself. I can tell the truth more often than others because I can twist it into a jest. If you are laughing, as much of a reality check it may be, it is still a “joke”. You see the world, the one in the castle that is sheltered from the peasants and even more the world outside the walls. But as the Fool you live outside of those walls, you walk with the people, your day job is the only time you are “part” of grandeur.
They tug harder on the “therapist medicated” group in this movie. The stigma attached to them, the actual good it can do for those who need it, and the fear we have after we swallow the pill given to us that perhaps the person giving it to us is in no better place than us, it has been misdiagnosed, we will be judged, or it will make us less of the person we hope to be.

Something I myself have had to deal with as I got older. My coping mechanisms as I grew started to focus elsewhere. I too suffer repressed memories or none at all. I too have heard the “Let’s talk about your childhood too many times”. The best therapist I ever saw said to me, “So you have some childhood trauma? Well why don’t we talk about today.” I was never happier when I heard that. Because unbeknown to me I have very little to reference or give to the so called trauma or things that happened in my childhood other than other peoples memories and accounts. Did I repress it? Maybe. But is it also possible that because I was unaware of the negative aspect of it, I didn’t care enough to remember? I take Klonopin. I have heard it all, the naive approach of, “Doesn’t that make you weird?” I have answered it in every way I know how, “It doesn’t actually change me it just makes the panic attacks not happen, No it doesn’t make me tired”, but even I wonder if it truly does affect me a bit.

I LOVE that these movies are touching on this aspect of our social interaction with the world and ourselves. I love that they talk about medicating. I love that they talk about self medicating. I love that they just talk. Seeing it, hearing it, picturing myself in it, all of the things you do while watching a movie are exciting, because you/I live it every day.

I too suffer anxiety and social inadequacy. I grew up scared to form opinions as it might outcast me. Then becoming so independant to counter the extreme I experienced and disliked that I became extremely opinionated, because I found picking one thing was better than riding the middle. But in the end I am always waiting for someone to argue back and show you a different one. Being moldable with your opinions is something that isn’t understood by many. If you take a strong stance, perhaps you only have one view? Take my ArcheAge post recently. I took a very strong stance on the game, but if no one stands up to what others hype and overlook you end up with mediocrity. Will something come out of it? Will the developers take my ONE opinion into consideration… I don’t know, but I do know that an opinion is just an opinion until you actually give it some backing. This is why I have a very hard time dealing with those who choose one direction, say as an example, politically, but have no idea why. They reference a bible or a document from years ago, but they ignore the words coming out of those who have influence now and today. I do not claim to be well read, as I hardly do it, but I am observant enough to form an opinion on something just by interaction. That was my saving grace in highchool english. I read none of the books but listened to the class and the teacher in my half asleep stupor, allowing myself to put together, albeit fragmented, rebuttals or advocacy. Through more conversation I could then solidify that standing. That is what I do to this day. I found the most extreme example of this form of communication being taken as “attacks” or “invasive” when I lived in California. The East Coast mentality from NYC is that a debate, a conversation, a bias of opinion is normal conversation. If you don’t get heated, you don’t care. But out there if you didn’t keep it a level below 1 it was considered rude and almost condescending. All I want is for someone to stand up to what they believe in, because if you are like the 1% blowing your flutes and beating your drums, without reason and ideas to help repair something you picture to be broken, then how do you expect someone to listen to you when they do come down and say, “OK LAY IT ON ME”. We are all in this world doing our best and thankfully some of the world knows they don’t always have it right. Take for example this quote from Groupon’s CEO who was just fired:

After four and a half intense and wonderful years as CEO of Groupon, I’ve decided that I’d like to spend more time with my family. Just kidding – I was fired today. If you’re wondering why… you haven’t been paying attention. From controversial metrics in our S1 to our material weakness to two quarters of missing our own expectations and a stock price that’s hovering around one quarter of our listing price, the events of the last year and a half speak for themselves. As CEO, I am accountable.
For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be — I love Groupon, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with having failed at this part of the journey. If Groupon was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to take the company this far with all of you. I’ll now take some time to decompress (FYI I’m looking for a good fat camp to lose my Groupon 40, if anyone has a suggestion), and then maybe I’ll figure out how to channel this experience into something productive.

And holy fuck did I just derail hardcore.

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety.. yeah… since I was little I yearned harder than anyone else for that love that just made sense to have next to you in every situation. The one that makes sitting on a couch kissing OK even if it is at a family gathering. The love that makes you inspired to write. I wonder sometimes if I am incapable of that love, if I need strife to write. But I know much of my writing has been inspired by love, sometimes good love, sometimes destructive, and sometimes lost.

So the fact that these movies are using Romance as a coating is brilliant.

The romance that is in our lives is a driving force regardless of if we choose to see it as we do our jobs, careers, income, “laid out life plans” or not, so coating these movies in an outer layer of romantic comedy/drama helps it to be digested. As ambitious or successful we are, these relationships will define who we wake up next to and who we stay awake at night talking to because they may just be better than our dreaming.

These movies treat relationships as less fragile. More of a filler until the right one is presented to us through happy mishap. Cheating being less of a faux pas and more of an exploration to finding out the truth. That I feel is more catered to the generation after mine, I think. Even the older relationships in movies are ending with the couples just not being happy, a bi-product of a lot of relationships committed to for the wrong reasons. One would think perhaps that would happen less after we have had more time to watch the Divorce boom of our generation. The common thread being the idea that expressing your feelings toward another and not making them express it toward you first, a twisted version of cat and mouse, will land you the kill. Even in these movies where they portray that as something they dislike, it is still how the boy gets the girl. Through naivety it looks as though they are doing it differently with their words wrapped around the idea that the games are bullshit, but through that disconnect they actually present themselves in the exact way they wouldn’t want to have to deal with.

But I applaud these movies and I think it is important to recognize that our society does have more time to reflect, and with that comes more questions. It causes us to try new approaches, it allows for some of us a reflection on how we have had to grow up dealing with it, or for those of us younger how they might have to deal with it if they don’t.

Mass media and films are not the gospel but they do appeal to a very broad audience to make a “blockbuster”. People are watching, people are listening, people are relating, and to me that is a damn good step in the right direction. Now if I could only figure myself out so I too could have a 3 minute montage where I figure out why my life drastically changed chemically at the age of 20 or someone could actually release a movie with the answer to what love actually is at the end instead of blowing the entire movie with an over the top dramatic ending in one direction or another, we would be all set haha. But in all honesty, I think the best endings are the ones that leave those choices up to you, because love is personal. Your mind is personal. The way society treats your medication(exposed), or love(undervalued), or anxiety(misunderstanding)… not so much, so it is nice to have those exposed moments in the meat of the production but the end having a little bit you can bring home and simmer on.

Communicate with me dammit!

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

I almost put this on my dating profile, but know better. No one likes a Debbie downer, but I feel like it might just help haha.

“If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off 🙂 this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I grew up in Zurich when I was young, where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point.”

Cause(s) and Effect(s)

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

I desperately need someone in my life who understands that a question doesn’t only consist of Cause and Effect, but Causes and Effects. When I am told, asked, or see something I immediately in what can only be described as a subconscious millisecond, think of every possible scenario for what I am experiencing. It might be far fetched, stupid, the wrong choice, and the right ones, but the key here is that without even trying, I have just broken down a billion scenarios in the blink of an eye, and therefore when I answer or ask, I expect the person in the conversation with me to be able to continue forward having already ruled out the, what I would call “obvious”. No I am not blowing my own horn of self righteousness here, I am being honest, there are so many people who literally don’t think past the surface. Through experience and meeting different people you learn this.

I observe the world around me way more intensely than some, which may sound like it is stressful, but for me it is just the quick fire of a synapse in the brain, and it is over. I can totally chew gum and walk at the same time. This is why my heart, under a microscope, is probably bandaged up, split, cracked, and splintered, but still pumping strong.

If you heart DOESN’T look like this by the time you find love, you were doing it wrong.

I go into relationships with the idea that if I don’t open myself up to the hundreds of possible outcomes, good or bad, I am not giving it my all, and I am wasting my time and yours.

So if you can multitask thoughts, understand that I am not married to just one outcome of a conversation, and enjoy talking because it leads to… more talking. We should get along well 🙂

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

If you heart DOESN’T look like this by the time you find love, you were doing it wrong.

10 Day Juice / Raw Fast

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

So me and my friend who has fought 4 different boughts with cancer through juicing and raw organic eating, has decided to concoct a 10 day diet for the both of us. The first 3 days will be juice only, day 4 and 5 will be juice and smoothies, 6 7 8 9 and 10 will be juice with a few raw meals.

Now I don’t mind drinking my food, but I also workout 5 days a week. I have timed this on my recovery week, so I don’t have to push as hard. But either way it should be extremely challenging.

Why am I doing it?

I like a challenge.
I want to see the effects of the quick weight loss that comes with the territory of this even if you have 90% chance of gaining it back after.
I want to learn more about my body, preparing my foods, and how to make healthier things to eat.
Cleanse the shit out regardless of arguments against it. Either way the intake will be cleaner than what I do so it will cleanse something
I already juice my morning and afternoon meals, so I feel like I can do it.

Challenges:

I hate prep and cleaning. So the prep work and cleaning involved will be a serious challenge for me.( I mean look at the plastic cups in the background of the first picture… yeah, my life summed up lol)
Energy, I NEED this for my workouts. They are nothing less than intense. So I will have to figure out with her help how to supplement when I need to.
The Aftermath: I need to ween off the diet. You can’t just have a burger at the end.
Gastro Intestinal issues: I have the stomach of a princess. I am sensitive to many things, so I am worried I will feel sick a lot with raw things such as onions. But we will see. All in or all out. And adjust on the fly.

I will mostly likely be updating here as it progresses as I doubt there will be anything else I am thinking about during the day. So here is my first entry and here is my first image:

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My juices will go into these! 8 dollars at Target for 12 of them!
Wish me luck and stay tuned for more.
(I absolutely apologize as I progress through this if I read anything wrong and I come off abrasive, PLEASE tell me if I am at any point. It might happen. But you are all my friends so I trust you can deal with my crazy haha. God the podcasts should be interesting haha.)

Sundays Entry(The Shopping List):
6 Cucumbers
2x Carrots 5lb bags or 2 large bags
6Red peppers
6 Yellow peppers
6Green peppers
3 large bunches or 4 if small kale
3 large bunches or 2 big bags of spinach
8 Zucchini both green and yellow
4 bunches Celery
15 Greens apples
2bags Red grapes
5 Fennel
1 pineapples
3 large sweet potatoes
1 or 2 papayas
10 lemons
2 large roots of Ginger
Almond milk (unsweetened ) *raw would be great if they have
Cayenne pepper
2 things of Blueberries
8 Parsnips
3 bunches of Swiss chard
3 bunches Parsley
3 bunches of cilantro
1 Watermelon
1 bunches of basil
2 bunches of mint
10 oranges
10 grapefruits
8 limes
3 bunches of beets
12 plum tomatoes
2 bunches of bananas
That should last me until Thursday. Here are the images:

Let me say this, I am 100% overwhelmed, freaked out, and clenching my wallet. This is so out of my element, I literally was freaking out not knowing what went into the fridge or not. But I am excited at the same time. It looks wonderful but this shopping trip was 2 hours at 3 different stores. It is NOT easy by any means.

Day 1:

Morning Prep:

I ran into an issue this morning however, I am getting extreme boughts of nausea from the ginger carrot juice. I think my body has a hard time with such a fast intake of potent vitamins. Laid out on the floor nausea haha. Good times. I also think I psyched myself out a bit too. So I probably tossed some panic in there as well with my anxiety.

Soooooo anyway I am going to be diluting my next juice with water to feel out my body.

Everyone is different. It isn’t about winning or losing, it is about seeing what works with you and what makes it so you can follow through. Just breath and enjoy it. If something feels off, it is, and adjust.

An hour later 12:30 PM: I have shit 3 times already. This probably has to do with the fact that I ate my sisters raw shit last night and all clean, and then my body kinda wanted to expel what I drank this morning. So far I can say this is not soo pleasant ;P

2PM: Watered down my juice with a giant glass of water, took 20 minutes to drink it. No stomach ache or nausea. Weird feeling in throat, but that’s it.. PROGRESS!!

4 PM: Did I mention I am not putting on my nicotine patch? Hahaha add that to the mix for fun aloofness 😛
Man drinking stuff makes you fucking hungry. I swear I am not usually this hungry, but a drink every two hours makes your stomach feel empty as can be while also feeling bloated… hard to describe.

I am about to partake in my 3rd juice of the day, yet… I am oddly not hungry at all, but the weird this is I am very hungry but NOT in the hunger pains kinda way.. very hard to explain… Also feel kinda bloaty full so weird lol. As well it really makes you WANT real food. Which is really funny considering I am not even hungry for real food like this any other time. Oh juice you strange beast. Here we go!

5PM: Finally finished the carrot juice. Blech I do NOT like the taste of carrots juiced. I prefer the green stuff actually oddly enough. Took me like 40 minutes to drink it lol. The pee breaks are occurring way more frequently now.

7PM: tried my best to force down another green juice. I don’t mind the taste but I am just NOT hungry. So I got through about 20 OZ and dumped the last 3 or 4. I just couldn’t stomach it anymore.

Another one at 8:30 9 as well. God damn so many juices! I can’t see anyone ever getting hungry on this.

8:45PM Forcing my last juice down my throat. Slowly.. ugggg EVERY FUCKING JUICE TASTES THE MOTHER FUCKING SAME. Fizzy bubbly sweet grossness. Ughhhh not happy.

I am literally at a point here where I don’t even want to taste this shit anymore lol so gross. They all taste the same. Like leafy fizzy foamy assholes. Why do people eat like this? A beautifully cooked Salmon with Mini baked potatoes or some scallops and a spring salad. Why is THAT not considered GOOD for us? Pffft I call shennanigans. I should just take a motherfucking laxative and colon cleanse, call it a day then eat some mother fucking real food that tastes good, looks good, and has nutritional value…. right after I polish off a bag of oreos of course.

———- DAY 2 ———

Ok so around 10pm last night I had a cup of Ginger Tea, it made me much happier.

Slept REALLY well. Woke up energized and before my alarm at 8 30 am which is crazy considering that is WAY earlier than my normal schedule.

Drank a lemon tea while prepping today with honey. Was lovely.

So finished my prep and juices for the day today a lot quicker. I am already low on some ingredients, such as apples and swiss chard. I will be replacing it with oranges/lemons and spinach.

I got REALLY hungry while prepping today.

I did NOT get nauseous with my first juice today!

I worked out without a problem. So that was cool. I mean I am a little weak, as in need more water breaks while doing the exercise, but overall I felt fine. Sweating is funny, cause you smell like juice 😛 Bye bye toxins!

No need to poo today… so I can only expect a surprise eventually lol.

Oh and forgot, maybe this is placebo effect, but my sweat acne on my forehead that I had from working out, is uhm.. gone and my skin feels different… I might be nuts…

I am a little freaked by how much produce I still have and watching some of it like the peppers get kinda weird looking. So hopefully with the raw food I will be transitioning into I won’t be wasting a lot. Mind you I had to make prep buying here so I wouldn’t need a car till Thursday. My Bananas are not happy.

5:30pmThere is always a wall, so I felt great and then I was like OK i am hungry and it is time for the 4th juice. Well let me tell you, this juice is always more than 16 oz by A TON. And fuck me man… I just can’t seem to get through this one without it taking more than an hour. It is tastey for the first 16 oz but after that my mouth body and stomach are like NO MORE PLEASE!!!! But hey if thats it not the end of the world.

10:30PM Hmm I feel ok but apparently I am much weaker than I feel, almost fell a few times today from just standing up or taking a step backward from being light headed and not knowing it.

I will say this, my ears, are kinda closing themselves a bit, weird right? But actually peaceful. Much more of a muted sound to the world.

———- DAY 3 ———

Day 3 Juices done like a pro! Prepped em, juiced em, Strained them, jarred em, cleaned everything, all in under 45 minutes BOOYAH! For reference first time I did it, it took me 2 and a half hours.

Feeling tired and a bit weak today. Also def getting abdominal pains need to poop soon. lol.

My skin is Definitely smoother. There is this moisturizing effect from juicing to your whole body. It is rad!

6:PM Swapped my last Juice and the one before it. SO MUCH BETTER that way.

I have learned a lot about Knowing my own limits here. If it doesn’t work for you, adjust it. Super important, and super hard for me who likes a regiment that everyone can do and has done before.

Well tomorrow I start going to some solids again but it looks like I have been tricked into a much longer than 10 day lifestyle change here. We will see how the raw plays out, but with the recipes and juices and smoothies I now have at my disposal, I can make some really amazing food. The idea here is to transform my veggie intake to 90% and meat to 10%.

We will see if that works out. All I know though is it is fun so far, challenging and rough at times, but in a good way. I am not sure how I would maintain this with a full time job, the prep is nuts and on top of that I workout.

Anyway we will see how this works out in the long term for now I am still on my 10 day course and doing well

I have heard a lot of talk about a 20 day juice cleanse to reset your palette yadda yadda, and while the idea appeals to me, I am not really doing this to reset anything, I am doing this as a challenge to myself, as a small detox from whatever, and as a long term learning to sustain myself on more than packaged foods or deli meats. I mean come on a guy who cooks is damn sexy, a guy who cooks/prepares raw wins all the ladies

———– Day 5 ————-

I guess I need an update eh?

Yesterday I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 8am but could have slept more.

So starting to mix solids into the diet now. Believe it or not I am not WAY more hungry. The juice fills ya up and keeps ya from the hunger pangs. All my food is raw.

I.E. Breakfast part 1:

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Overall, I am enjoying this.

I have lost 4 lbs. from 164.6lbs to 160.6lbs

For those who wanted Body fat % I went from 14.4 to 13.8 % and a BMI of 23.2 to 23.1 so nothing that is even noteworthy. I also have been working out every day.

It gets much easier as time goes on. One thing I will say, time seems to go slower AND faster when you juice. I dunno how to explain it but the minutes tick by much slower when working out but when waiting for the next meal fly by.

I thought my sense of smell was better after quitting smoking, fuck I didn’t know anything, I can now smell the bleach in my shirts when I workout. I can smell EVERYTHING.

Listening to more than the words.

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

“You get me”

“You really listen”

“Wow you really figured me out quick”‘

This is what many people have said that I have had a relationship with. I think something I have always done well is listen. But not in the conventional way I suppose. I mean, until recently when I realized why love was not enough, another podcast of mine, I could hardly accept empathy let alone give it myself. I was never the one in class who read the chapters prepared for that day, I just listened to the conversations in class and the chapters wrote themselves.

I’ve analyzed my own life and situations so much that I write and think in a stream of consciousness that often leaves me stuck with disappointment at the responses to my spew(although I love me some small talk). I think to myself, well yes of course it can be “X Y or Z” I already thought of those prior to spewing, but what do you think about it beyond the generic alphabet? Even though they say to me, “I feel heard” there is that disconnect where I go, but do you hear me, do you see me, do you know me beyond the words? Because I want to hear and understand your thoughts beyond the words, the thought I just saw behind your eyes as you had your own truth, but suppressed it for the acceptable answer.

The thing is, I had trauma in my childhood. So when I got home everyday my brain was already tuned to listen and observe intensely to gauge the current status of how everyone was feeling that day. Now, as an adult where that trauma is removed from the equation, my brain doesn’t stop looking deeply at micro expressions and trying to read the room. This is a biproduct of childhood trauma regardless of the work and self healing I have put into it. So when I look at someone, I see a lot more than perhaps a normal glance. I do not claim to be able to “read people”, I just pay attention to many factors, body language, inflections, eye movement, micro expressions, all in the blink of an eye, subconsciously. Believe me, though, I am going to be wrong in my analysis at times, and I definitely will not say everything right, nor “read you” correctly every time, sometimes even projecting my own insecurities and thoughts into the situation. This is why it is so important for someone to tell me what is on their mind as a kindness not a chore, which I speak about more in the podcast: Give My Brain a Breather.

I listen to people through their eyes, their inflections, the curvature of the outer portions of their lips. Often we say things one way, but for whatever defensive/self conscious reason, they mean something completely different. I have been burned by words so many times, that I adapted to read way past the words and into the subconscious. No I am not a mind reader and again I do not get it right all the time. Sometimes I think too far beyond the surface and often what I am getting is actually just surface. I suppose the most interesting and engaging moments of interaction with others is when the surface leads to the actuality.

I am also inquisitive by nature, so it is only natural for me to look for the “meaning”.

This is what separates the friendships from the relationships for me. When people can give me the surface as is and then I can put my running mind at ease knowing they have already gone over the internal. When those two mix it is like a perfectly plated meal of flavors, textures, and presentation to me. But when the surface is used to hide reality, it’s when there is going to be a failure down the line. More importantly is being able to see when the surface is just that, then comparing to your needs, wants, likes, dislikes, and knowing when to call it quits or when to pursue further.

I guess that is why I dislike the games you can play in a relationship and I have so much to share so quickly. That is my defense to weed out those who play them. The more I share, the faster I can determine if the person on the other end will be overwhelmed or isn’t as committed to the idea of what we are doing. I am not one to sit through a long book without analyzing line by line for the purpose of absorbing those lines, notating, highlighting, and memorizing the things that I think resonate. I very rarely get to the end without wanting to talk about every page and chapter. In school I would get my “reading” done by listening to the teacher. Reading into their voice, their tone, and figuring out the outcome they were holding back. I was able to form opinions and debate them firmly. I valued picking one side of the fence, placing a home, digging the foundation for a pool, planning out where the plots for me and my family would rest after this life. But knowing damn straight, the government might come and build a rail through the middle. Understanding that even though I dug in deep that there is always another perspective that could change it all.

And that perspective gives me the strength to break down the fence.

The California vs New York approach has always been a good example of this. “What would you like for dinner?” I would say. And in response, “STOP YELLING AT ME”. But where I was raised the simple question usually had a strong opinionated response. I value a good debate, because to me it is “conversation”.

I like when people know what they want and are open to wanting more.

I don’t want to constantly place down new roots, but I understand the value in it when there is a good reason. Moving around a lot with divorced parents has made me value “home” more than I probably should, and often locks me to the sense of comfort in places that might not actually be comfortable for my mind.

So I put a lot of weight in those moments where I can sit and “listen”. A picture on Facebook tells very little, but an album tells a lot. You can understand personality, things people are self conscious about, self awareness, self perception, family relationships, how people spend their time, compatability. So much that is can freak people out if you point it out. But it is just me listening. People want to be mysterious and special, but we are all the same pile of crap. We just mask it in different ways.

What I love is when, no matter what your shit smells like, you are yourself, but more than being yourself, when YOU and ME have commonalities that make communication fluent. It is hard to be the person who “listens” because it often comes with the stigma of “you read too much into things” or you end up disappointed by what you hear(see). I will say that it is something I value very much though, because I know when I do find that someone who can put in the same amount of “instant analysis” of multiple scenarios in one sentence, that there is going to be a lot to talk about and those talks will have a lot of life for both of us.

Conversation and communication is hard as it is, and having the ability to connect in a way that puts your eyes and words in line is magically and shouldn’t be underrated.

I have always said, I prefer to be alone and lonely, then together and frustrated. It isn’t fair to anyone, especially yourself. It locks two people, who have limited time here on this earth, into a purgatory of sorts.

I love to share my stream of consciousness with others because while I may not be saying the most original things, I can often show people they are not alone, they can be happy, and they deserve to put a lot more effort into themselves.

A Job, Money, Love. There needs to be a better balance in the 3 things we are told are what we want in life and grow up yearning for. And we need to understand that a relationship, that isn’t going to work, can be a beautiful friendship, if we just open our eyes and “listen” before it twists our eyes to only see the shit we dragged one another through to finally understand one another. The interactions we have are the true meaning of life. The jobs and the money only allow for us to have more.

What a wonderful day

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

A raw dinner, which was DELICIOUS.

Talking with people who understand the European American divide in cultural “intimacy”.

It was wonderful. I wish I could share the ways we have closed ourselves off to the simplest of interactions to a point where it is obvious and predictable. So where you think you are following some unspoken rule of “how to be” you are actually just showing those in-front of you, you can follow. It is transparent. It isn’t someone “getting you” or understanding you so well. It is just having an open mind, ear, and heart.

I wish I could help people stop wasting time, and then in turn my time. (oh just one of the convos from tonight, without any TV, music, or entertainment other than the words of one another. And it was wonderful.)

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AG^{A^{A^{A^{A^{A^{A^{A^{I^N}}}}}}}}

/ Tristan / 0 Comments

Brilliant end to The Office. It reminds me why I wish so much that our jobs didn’t have to BE the paper company in order to have such happiness in meeting new people, sharing experiences, etc. Why can’t we transcend to a society that cherishes the human interaction, relationship, more. We should retire at 21, see the world travel, and then at 50 or 60 begin our jobs when it makes more sense to sit down.

Category: Uncategorized (Page 6 of 12)

2013 Comes to an End.

Socks and Misconceptions – the silent judgements

Holidays, oh holidays…

A Poem

Eyes to Brain… FUCK! My OKCupid Date.

A silver tongue, without a silver lining.

Spew

The “Gay”mer

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety, and movies.

Communicate with me dammit!

Cause(s) and Effect(s)

10 Day Juice / Raw Fast

Listening to more than the words.

What a wonderful day

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