Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Uncategorized (Page 4 of 12)

Worry about your #Selfie – Part 2

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…Superficial… That word.

“not having or showing any depth of character or understanding”

So how does a little vanity mean you are not someone with character or understanding? I know you aren’t saying that I am ranting about the generalization. Too often people look at others as a one trick pony, with only one direction, personality, or one dimensional depth.

If our world had no glamorization, I suppose it could be a much easier place to find the perfect mental match in, however, the human mind is programmed to be attracted to certain aspects of the human body, a very part of the definition of superficial is built into our DNA. But it is also built to need care, comfort, and coddling.

So with that said, I have never thought a selfie was bad, well until it got its own category and name. There are moments where you feel good, you look good, and you want to capture it. Does the selfie define my insides? Nope. It defines my hair on that day and perhaps the #ootd (outfit of the day) haha.

For instance when I lost a ton of weight and started to feel better about myself not only surface level superficiality but physically as well, it was so much fun to share it with others.

Pictures to me mean more than just the definition or notion. A selfie can tell it’s own story about the inside as well. For instance, I have a rubber ducky in the basket behind me, a pink iPhone case, a semi organized bathroom, a tattoo, a red banana hanging, so you could come up with so much more than just the cleanliness of my mirror in the shots here.. but I think we would prefer to just jump on the mass media bandwagon like in so many cases poking fun at those around us labeling the #selfie as something that is “hurting” society, when I am actually very excite when someone has a ton of them. I can now see a little bit more of the bigger picture. A picture can only hide so much, but when you are the one hitting the button, I now know what you think is your “A” game and how you wish to represent yourself. Even if it is just a new outfit, I now have a sense of your style.

When I see someone’s Facebook for the first time, I scroll through the entire timeline as quickly as possible and you would be amazed at the story it can tell:

How you wish to be seen by the world
How you portray yourself to your family
How you act around your friends
How you act at work
What your hobbies are
Where you like to vacation or relax
How you smile, when you smile, if you smile

And so much more. My odd stupid power of being able to almost picture perfectly memorize a profile and dates of the pictures helps too haha. But regardless I say I am 100% pro “self picture”. If anything we get to look back and see what we looked like when we had hair. Our digital catalog is the plastic bound version of our parents scrap books and photo albums, so might as well fill them with things we can reminisce and/or laugh about.

I have written about this before actually, maybe this will be part 2: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/73731846420/worry-about-your-selfie

What if we are the ones in jail

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I read this in a book recently. The idea that we are stuck in a society, which itself may be the jail. The rules put upon us, the levels of threat we are alerted to, the regulations government deems fit, the taxes we pay.

But what if we break it down to a fundamental of human moral, Truth. We live in a society in which the truth is always one step out of our grasp. One can even assume that levels of the truth do not exist for any one person. Although we all put our trust in one person. That person being our president. But the presidency is made up of people and organizations. The president himself probably probes for the truth. He may have sat in that room the first day of his presidency where they revealed the secrets of the world to him, yet someone in the next room probably held their own secret which was passed to another office and so on. The secrets become a game of telephone. They change and fall far from the truth.

Our world is an evolution yet we have so many implementations of rules and governing ideals that are not updated to go with our evolution, because we are too busy trying to make the first set of rules work.

Technology itself is an example of how we have trouble keeping up with ourselves. An 85 year old man would look at an idea like twitter and laugh himself to sleep. Is it because we are not accustomed to knowing the world around us in truths, but snippets, and “Good Media”.

The introduction of money into any society causes there to be competition, often considered to be good, but also a key factor in changing the rules of engagement. This could be as simple as buying an apple at the market to launching an attack on foreign soil. So maybe we should put ourselves into the situations we often wonder the truth about. We should become soldiers… but a soldier will form his own truths from what he sees. What he sees may be part of the telephone game, where the people he encounters got the wrong message, skewing his truths off center.

So when do we get to know the truth, is it when we die and go to heaven we can look down and see all the answers? Or is it giving up on actively working toward the truth to fall into faith.

Faith gives us a chance to forget the truth and hope for a reality. It cleanses us from our own lies. Not to say faith is not helpful to bring the miracles within a person to the surface, but when as a nation we default to it 7 out of 10 times, you start to wonder if we are being passive with our own existence.

Under God we Trust, yet we will not trust the stranger next us, an embodiment of god, with our money, our families, or our well being.

When will we take an active role in our own lives, when will our questions or concerns, truly be answered? Does our own evolution stunt our ability to ask questions, because as they are asked they change in context?

We hold truth close to our hearts, we value it as a moral, yet we turn a shoulder when the lies are not prominently in front of us. We do not ask when they are not shown to be or are part of our lives; when the lies are a bill of congress not being updated with the times, or the times breaking a good bill of congress.

I often ask myself what it would be like to know the entire truth, and I often imagine it would hurt or turn me insane.

Would I rather go on living in this world which could be the “jail itself” as the author wrote, with my luxuries and comforts, or on the edge of insanity, everyday having to digest the truths of the world, the truths as they forge themselves in time.

CONVO SPARKED FROM IT:

  • Ben Our civilization requires methods of control to exist, but when they are placed in the hands of powerful men they are easily and often abused. I despise the finger pointing, pass the buck mentality our culture has, but I am not a powerful man with the ability to change it. All a person can do is live a life of personal responsibility. There is a lot of power in owning your mistakes. I drink because I like to get drunk, not because I’m controlled by beverage advertising. I’m overweight because I eat too much and exercise to little, not because McDonalds made me fat. I judge for myself what is correct (not right and wrong) based on my logic and my meager if ever increasing wisdom, not for the fear of an invisible parent figure that will spank me. Of course it’s impossible to ignore these entities’ influence on us, if only by the sheer volume of advertising and media proselytizing we are inundated with every day. However once we identify these methods of control, we can then choose to reject them. If I have anything it’s the knowledge I hold myself accountable to the personal code of honor by which I abide. Not God, not the government, not a mega-corporation. Most of the time they really only have as much control as you let them. You don’t have to buy what they’re selling. They all want a piece of our brain-space so they can define what is good and bad according to their own agenda. I’d rather answer to myself and advance my own. Anyway don’t worry, you’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a dream.

  • Tristan G Pope You cannot make the statement that you are doing these things on your own, because break them down further, and you are working for the money to get the alcohol and the McDonalds. The work put in place to buy things, a simple thought placed into economy. But another idea started by a person expanded over generations unchecked to see if it still provides us with what we need to evolve. Or is it a grandiose statement to think we should evolve rather than sit and be content. Who’s to say we cannot be content with growth. Why was your hamburger 8 dollars? Why is your bottle service triple that of the alcohol store… Economy, Profit, etc. But like star trek, why is it so important to profit, if we can better ourselves and explore the possibilities of ourselves.

  • The problem I see is that one person says they choose for themselves, yet the things they choose are already in a regulated environment in which their own choice is not that of their own. As well why do the statistics of our country point to faith rather than pro-activeness. And does making your own choices against the grain of a very ingrained society hurt the choice of this very fragile existence we live, or merely a flicker of light or a twinkle of a star in the grand scheme of what we have made for ourselves. Not the “grand scheme” as if there is soo much more in the world to do and see and achieve and become but the “scheme” we have made for ourselves.

Sense of Adventure

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It’s funny I was just talking about a “sense of adventure” with a friend. We determined that I do indeed have one(golf clap), but I consider my time very important these days and find myself less inclined to be adventurous with random people. I would rather people I really enjoy the company of be the ones I give my spare time to and then opt to be stranded on an island with. I could leave a situation but I would prefer to not have to worry about leaving, but camping out for awhile. While this contradicts the word “adventure”, it makes the actual adventure itself so much more fun, rather than just the preconceived notion.

I suffer from some sort of social anxiety, which is ironic since I am literally a social butterfly by nature. I graduated as a theatre major because I could see nothing else for my in my life than interacting with others and putting myself out there for all to see. I was making myself “google-able” before it even existed. It is my default to be expressive and outloud. I thrive the more people are around me and the more people I can put on a show for.

But along the way, my brain changed, my comfort changed, my chemistry changed. I developed the need to know if there was a bathroom where I was going, not because I need to use it but because it signifies the comforts I have in my own home. It represents the “safety-blanket” of a space I have made my own. And at first it was debilitating. I felt like I would never be able to be myself again and I was a broken fragment of myself, but over time I learned it, I adapted to it, and I conquered some of it. It will be a constant struggle but I am OK with it as long as I am learning and evolving with it.

I wasn’t always like this, shit I was always the first one out the door and last one in. I would jump before you could even suggest it. I used to consider my time wasted if I wasn’t out and about even if that meant me not enjoying my evening. One day it clicked that happiness isn’t about being out all the time but doing what feels good at the time you want it. Watch a movie instead of driving around a parking lot or going to the bar or vice versa. But forcing it to happen was my downfall back when. It is that “holiday” pressure. Let’s get blasted because it is New Years, always ended up in the toilet. Not my idea of how to start the New Year. I would rather just go anyday I feel like it. tangeeennttt…

So dating can often be a scary thing… First dates are not scary to me whatsoever, however. I know I can hold my own, I know I will be myself, I know if they don’t accept me for me, then it wasn’t meant to be.(mind you I am still learning how to self preserve) Sure I will be upset if they are a beautiful person and I don’t understand why they don’t like me back, but I can’t control that, I can’t be in everyone’s head(as much as I try by expressions and tonality). I am one of those people who would choose insanity, while being able to hear every thought of every person than to be naive and sane.

But ultimately I make sure I am the best version of myself that I can be, that includes telling people about my shitty day or good day when asked. I don’t have the mind space to have different personalities for people or situations. Sure I know what is socially acceptable behavior or not, but I choose to be the same “version” of myself to the best of my ability in every case.

On some of these dates I have been on I feel like I need to be more careful who I get stuck with and when. Because I think a lot of my anxiety is not about being in control but lack of control. I under estimate my own ability to leave a situation that doesn’t make me happy. I am slowly learning to navigate that. Instead of going to a happy place, I am facing it more head on and learning when I am going because I just don’t want to be somewhere or if I am trying to escape myself. I often feel like I will disappoint someone if I say no. Learning to balance my yes’s and no’s is still a struggle.

I am learning how to tell someone I would like to get to know them before doing some crazy adventure. Seems to be an online dating thing where your first message has to “amaze them” or your first date has to be “an adventure”.. if I met you in person it would be different because I could get a feel for you, but online, I want to at least meet you before the crazy fun begins! I blame this on the idea that online dating overloads you with so many options you are looking for someone to “best” the other person.

I like your face! I think…

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I like your face!

I think…

So online dating has taught me something new, I have to be really critical of people’s faces. God, Tristan, you are so shallow!

Wait let me explain… So an online dating profile is comprised of 10 or so images of the person. First factor in: The person picked the photos they think best portray who they are, then take into consideration that you have different angles, lighting, and no actual three dimensional view of their face in these photos.

Let me first disclaimer this with: the beauty of these photos is obviously subjective to who is looking, what they like, what attracts them to another human being, and so forth. No one is being called out for being ugly, just for not fitting what I or another may be looking for or find attractive.

Ok now with that out of the way, let’s say you see one image you absolutely love. And you go, WOW. This person is gorgeous, I want to know more about her! Then you swipe to the right and see image 2, you brush it off because it doesn’t have the same effect but her ass looks great, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, same reaction but to different parts of her, except the face… But you don’t care, you know she is “gorgeous” in photo one and fits the physical criteria you have set. Wrong. You have become fixated on what you want the person to look like, not the overall.

I am a victim of this. Whether you have 3 images or 100, you can literally get so consumed by one shot that really plays to what you are looking for that you ignore the other images. You are not looking at the whole picture. I am a photographer, I understand angles, lighting, and makeup… yet even I find myself having to remind myself to look at the images together. If I am attracted to 10% of her face in photos, this is not going to work. When you meet in person you are going to essentially put together all those photos like a 3D printer would, piecing together a real person not a flat image.

It is so important to like 90% or more of someone’s face in their photos because they portray a complete picture of this person. They show their good and bad sides whether intentional or not. If you can feel connection from the bad sides and the good, the real life meet is going to blow your mind. You are going to be sitting there waiting for them to walk into whatever place you are meeting, and when they finally do, you are going to forget how to be cool and how to keep it together as you oogle them. Their eyes now having shine to them, their skin complexion, their hair motion… everything turns into a beautiful moving image, what people before online dating would have called real life.

I used to be so fixated on making sure someone took care of their body, wasn’t out of shape, and presented themselves truthfully, but I was so focused on that, I would often overlook the face. The face is the part that stays as you age, the eyes don’t change, the lips don’t change, etc. This is the most important part of the body(other than your mind, haters)! The part you see when you kiss, the part you see when you wake up, the part you look at while talking about your day, the part you wanna smoosh when they are being a doofus. (I do have a two face theory as well if you are interested: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/74653633662/the-two-face-theory )

Don’t get me wrong I still think it is important to take care of your physical as much as you take care of your mental state of health, but the face is something we can literally forget about when it comes to online dating and seeing image after image of people, flicking through them like a deck of cards. You become numb to the details. But if I can offer any advice, it is that if you don’t feel with almost 100% confidence that you are attracted to someone’s face, don’t go on the date, delete the match. Sure you might have gotten along really well as friends, and sure someones mind and personality truly do makeup for more than 70% of attraction, and it is true, I have experienced the process of getting to know someone more and finding them more attractive the more I knew, but the face is so important, it tells so much of the story. So don’t sell yourself short. Even when I have felt that deeper connection with someone, I always loved their face in every photo, in person, and in general. The rest of the body be damned.

With online dating this is even more important because when you don’t have the ability to assess them through your sunglasses on the subway, understand the dimensions, feel that strange “connection” or “attraction” first hand, see them part their hair to the side of their face, and are just skimming through a bunch of “headshots” never getting to see them act or a reel, you really need to make sure you want to kiss them every day, for the rest of your life. I know, crazy talk, but I honestly believe it. This shit isn’t organic, so embrace it and perhaps you will have a better chance of not feeling disappointed by yourself for casting your own smoke and mirrors, just to get to the “date”. It is OK to say no and it is OK to be picky. There is something for everyone when it comes to what attracts us, so make sure you are looking for the right things. That is what I am trying to do, stumbling as I go, but learning each time I stumble. And just so I feel better about writing this outloud, no I am not “trying to hard”, I am literally just writing outloud how my brain works. This is me, for better or worse, I will think about forever after before I even meet someone, but I don’t go into it expecting a fairy tale ending, I let myself be, and through being, I take a step at a time, with many educated jumps ahead of me.

The Law of Relativity

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I have heard before that this blog has helped people. Actually without a doubt, 90% – 95% of people who have read the list of links in “Love is Not Enough” in the menu above, have been able to separate from a bad relationship within 5 days of reading it. So what does that mean? Does that make me a “Life Coach”.. I don’t think so whatsoever. That someone related to something I wrote is a great bi-product of me writing this journal for myself with the intent of others reading. Sometimes you just need to hear the things you are thinking being said out loud by someone else. Nothing original, but something that you can relate to.

Today I heard this quote:

“Turning pro is a mindset. If we are struggling with fear, self-sabotage, procrastination, self-doubt, etc., the problem is, we’re thinking like amateurs. Amateurs don’t show up. Amateurs crap out. Amateurs let adversity defeat them. The pro thinks differently. He shows up, he does his work, he keeps on truckin’, no matter what.”

~Steven Pressfield

Of course it is a mindset. Everything we do is 90% mind and 10% body. It is also being able to navigate the past in a healthy way or at all. The groundwork of our being was laid down as children and for some that fear, procrastination, self sabotage, etc may be due to repressed memories, abuse, a bad childhood, a good one even, the way they were taught, morals, rebellion. The important part of this quote is missing… The part where it tells you it is OK to have these fears and not be called names. “Pro vs Amateur”  It is the journey and the courage to address these hurdles and learn how to navigate them to be a “professional” that should be celebrated. Anyone can tell someone they know HOW to get somewhere, but not everyone can hold their hand when they don’t or give them a lift to help them reach it.

Imagine if Einstein just told people, “Because it is the law of relativity”. And he NEVER explained it. The explanation in this case however is literally burned into our subconscious, being, brains, all bi-products of things we may not even remember happening. The embarrassing 8th grade school dance, the great feeling when we got our 50th touchdown in highschool, the way the family dog licked our face when we were 3. But we don’t get Einstein to give us a brilliant revelation to our issues, we are just faced with ourselves, our own exploration, and our own walls.

I want to repeat, ANYONE can say, “if you do something, it has been done”. But the hard part is we need to learn how to navigate things that have nothing, yet everything to do with the end result to even get it done in the first place.

Heated (fiction)

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I am sitting on the edge of the bed lighting the last candle. The power has been out for at least an hour and the room has become humid as the summer pushes past the last remnants of cool air that was already struggling to fill each room in my city flat. The perspiration on my neck starts to fall down my chest underneath my buttoned down black shirt as I lean back from the candle, light flickering against the walls. I notice a shadow fill the dimly lit space and feel a soft pressure on my back as my girlfriend, who was in the bathroom room lighting more candles, pushes up behind me, her hands pass by my periphery as they warp around the front of me. Her chest is warm and soft on my back, her hands skillfully running up each bottom to the top of my shirt, teasing my senses, her mouth blowing lightly on my neck, cooling me for a moment. In that same instance she pops the top button of my shirt and puts her lips to my ear. I shiver in a moment filled with heat.

Her one hand is popping each button in a rhythm that makes me wild, while her other hand has slowly pushed down my chest to the waist where she is pulling my shirt out of my pants. The opposing motions keep me guessing for each moment. My shirt is sticking to me, the room is filled with heat and emotional intensity. I sit there, posture straight, pushing slightly back to feel her body against mine, trying to make out every since bit of her through my shirt and her silky black dress she was wearing that night when we went out. The familiarity of each bit of her makes me more excited, but only seeing it in a flickering candles shadow, creates what can only be described as a dream. As she gets to the last button her other hand already has the shirt pulled away from my skin and pinning my arms back behind me as she begins to take it off, but intentionally stopping short, running both hands over my chest. They slide smoothly from my collar bone to my pant line, pushing slightly into my pants, but returning back up my chest, finding enough grip to pinch both my nipples hard enough to make the sweat falling down my body to falter for a moment and my entire body, every pore, clenches. I let out a moan of pleasure involuntary…

I can feel her breath on my ear as she stays close to it, licking, and breathing into it sporadically but with clear intention. I am so turned on and alert, I am able to break free of my own shirts grasp enough to put both my arms around the small part of her waist, pull her closer to me with a firm grasp, and stand straight up forcing her to stand with me. I turn around locking her eyes, my shirt sliding to the floor. The power being out in the entire city, allows for every fold of the shirt to be heard as it hits the old wood floor. Her eyes are sparkling with the candles flickering all over the room, as if they are dancing to the beat of our hearts as they beat loudly.

I immediately drop to my knees and take advantage of the fact that her position behind me has lifted her dress above her panties. I put both my hands right above her ass to give her stability from the rapid turn and slowly push my mouth against her panties, exactly on the right spot, I kiss, breath, and inhale her. I stay there long enough for her to start squirming, my hands fighting to keep her still, but feeling every muscle when it tensens, the humidity making her dress feel non existent as my hands try to decipher if I am holding skin or the illusion of it. I tilt my eyes up to her, hers are darting around the room and I wait for them to catch mine. Immediately I move my hands under the slightly still draped dress and in a quick motion stand up pulling the dress over her head. As her hands are forced upright, I kiss her sides, arms, and then her neck. As i remove her dress completely, I leave it slightly wrapped on her arms as I finish up on her neck, moving my mouth right in front of hers. The stutters in her breath and mine from every sensation cause us to yearn for that final push to touch our lips together and take in one another. Instead I remove her dress and finally can hear the shower in the background. She must have turned it on when she was in the bathroom. A breeze from the open window pushes through the cold water and against our exposed skin. Her eyes are pleading with mine to make the final push to her mouth, but I continue to pull away slightly every time we are about to meet. She breathes out while stumbling the breath itself. I drop her dress to the bed and push my body and mouth past the side of her face as I slightly lick her ear, now moving my body toward the promise of the cold water falling from the shower. I get half way across the room before she is able to turn and see where I am going.

As I walk, I undo my belt, dropping it to the floor, then my pants, and lastly my underwear in an almost complete motion. I notice the candles all over the bathroom, like a scene out of the most romantic movies right before I move straight into the streams of cold water falling from the shower. The sensations overwhelm me because my body is filled with heat.

She, watching this all unfold stumbles with her bra for the first time in her life and dropping her panties just by walking toward where I have disappeared behind the bathroom wall. By the time she gets to the shower, her bra is still on and I reach for her hand and pull her into the cold stream of water with me. Instead of standing, I pull her close to me and slowly we both sit in the porcelain bathtub as cool water streams from above. She is sitting in front of me and I behind her. I wrap my hands around her breasts grabbing the front clasp as it snaps free and springs to the sides as the water falls down her face to her nipples all the way to her groan. She stumbles for her breath as the cold water shocks her system and my hands hold onto her tightly protecting her from the cold waters intensified stream, warming her body with mine, water filling our mouths, falling out over our bodies as we both try to breath in this constant flow of cold meets our sweating and heated bodies. She slides up and down my body trying to get closer to me, the sensations arouse me beyond what I thought was possible. She can feel every part of me and it makes her move more intently. My hands cannot let go of her, but struggle for traction on our wet bodies, making each motion much more grandiose and grasp firm.

We stay like this for what seems like an hour or so, our lips slide across each others as she turns back toward me simultaneously equalizing our bodies to a cool temperature, but filled with the heat of the moment. She reaches forward and with a flick of her hand the water stops falling. I can hear the last drops hit the hard surface of the shower floor. She stands as I watch her body glisten against the many candles as each droplet of water falls onto me. I want to lick every part of her body as if she were a cold glass of water on this extremely heated day.

She walks out of the shower ignoring the towels neatly placed on the racks and moves over to the large window that extends from the floor to the ceiling. A window that is reminiscent of something in a romantic Paris hotel. Outside the streets are dark, the buildings are silhouetted against the full red hazed moon. A rustle of activity can be heard outside as people are unable to sleep in this weather without power, moving to their stoops in hopes for a cool breeze of relief. She just stands there creating a pool of water on the floor underneath her.

I stand up from the floor of the shower and move toward her,  can make out the hairs on the back of her neck start to stand up slightly from the occasional candle lights gaze. It is guiding me to her. She knows I am close. I push my soaked body against hers and she pushes up against the cold glass on the window, reaches behind her, and grabs me with a firm grip, precisely lining me up with what is about to be pure bliss. I, unable to contain myself, as she pulls and places, push exactly at the right time and we are connected, feeling the heat of her surround me. I almost leave my body for a moment and watch as it transpires. Our two silhouettes backlit by the warm light of the cool moonlight. Our backs are contracting, flexing, and bending the candlelight as the water drops mixed with perspiration fall to the floor from each movement. Our motions constant and intense.  

As if I was shocked back to life from a near death experience I am pulled back into my body as I feel her squeezing around me, closing the gap between our bodies through instinct, tightening, contracting, the inside of her body pulling on mine. I am moaning loudly as I no longer have control over any of my body and hers is shaking on mine. Wave after wave of pleasure passes through us both as our bodies naturally compliment one another. Pulling and pushing what we need, until we finally explode falling backwards onto the bed in a release, still unable to separate our bodies. Our muscles are still having rolling intensities, our heads turned toward each other as we lock lips through the remainder of this amazing orgasm. Right as it feels like it is starting to subside, the sounds of the city coming back alive fills the air, the electricity of the moment and the world starts to turn back on. The air conditioner begins to push cold air over our bodies as we lay naked inside one another. We laugh slightly as the lights flicker back on to full and we see the clothes all around the room and the bed sheets covered in a dark shadow from our soaked bodies. We fall asleep, lips touching, cool air once again caressing our bodies.

The world…

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So Extremists believe you are paving the path to the next world in this one yet I read of a boy marrying a woman and having a child right before a suicide run in battle. How do they explain birth If life is after death. The ISIS propaganda is well organized, mainstreamed, and intense. And I sit here shaking my head because we were lucky enough to be given life yet we are dumb enough to waste it. It upsets me. And it is also scary that while that begins forming what could be an extremely substantial army, other countries including our own are at war with one another be it territory, race, a job promotion, or a 2$ toaster on Black Friday. When I was told to grow up as a child by my parents when I was a kid, I don’t think this is what they meant. I believe in love, be it for myself or others and this only makes me believe in it more. Because like every generation there is a looming apocalyptic war around the corner, and it is tiring and heartbreaking. We may be an anomaly to this world or we may be brought in by some divine power… Either way it was a precious gift, one being wasted on so much blood and greed and power struggles. It is in our nature to compete but we also have powerful brains… Brains that you would think understand when the competition needs to end.

Glass Elevators (Fiction)

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The clock reads 8 pm, as you put your last earring in, in a rush, taking one last glance in the mirror, realizing how late you are for dinner. You push out of your room grabbing the room key off the table by the door as you wrap your jacket around you halfway out in the hallway rushing to the elevator. The doors close and you feel a sense of excitement and calm as you look out the glass all around you. You are marveling at the fact that you are 30 stories above this new exciting city made of brownstones and warm lighting, yet you stand in this extravagant modernized hotel looking over the city light a god. The doors open with the reminding tune of the elevator tone as you hit the lobby, you walk composed now toward the exit as you see him waiting for you at the exit.

He is dressed in a black suit and newly pressed black collared shirt. The elevatordoors close behind you resonating that same tone,simultaneously he begins to turn around as if it called his attention. As he turns you can see the scruff of his beard contrasting against the straightness of his hair. You can tell the plane trip tired him out yet he looks like he had rested for days, and as his head finally makes its final turn, you meet at the eyes. His piercing blue eyes meet yours as you are now inches away from him. He says nothing as he takes his hand and runs it through your hair on the side of your head passing through and over your ear. You can feel the heat coming off his hand as it warms your face, all the time eyes are locked. You need not say anything as you both turn away from the exit his hand now around you and without even looking away he hits the elevator door’s button. You both are locked into each other, both knowing everything thing yet nothing in this blurred tunnel you exist at this very moment. The crystal chandeliers above sparkle in the pupils of your eyes and the people bustling about blur out to your world as it is jut you and him. Once again the sound chimes and without even turning you are both in the elevator still turned toward each other.

You feel a slight loss of gravity as the elevator begins its slow ascent.  In this moment of weightlessness, he pulls your head firmly toward his as he begins to kiss you. The warm lights and the streets filled with cars, in this strange new wonderland of cobblestone roads traveled with the headlights of cars, which seem so out of place rush past, flashing lights through the glass surrounded walls and your closed eyelids giving you the feeling of a strobe effect.  The heat from your bodies can be felt through ever touch, his lips are moist from yours as they slide against yours. Your upper lip over his and both your breath is in sync. As you pass a new floor you can hear theelevator chime as if it is giving each kiss more intensity as it climbs.  It tones again and he pushes you against the glass window. Every floor his hands pull you closer and grabs at a new part of your body.  You hear him inhale deeply to gather his breath in this moment of breathless fervor, and with that you push him sternly away from you. He stands dazed in the center of the elevator you against the glass, you turn away looking out over the amazing city below. In a matter of milliseconds you think of how amazing it is that a couple of hours ago you were sitting at home and now you were looking upon such a magnificent new place. You think about him standing there dazed and somewhat confused, and you think of everyone looking up at you, although nothing more than a blur of lights below, as you, the princess of this new world, traveled up to her throne in a magical way, compared to the rooftops of clay you look down at. Then with a swift motion you untie your jacket with one hand and with the other brush it from your body, as it falls to the ground.

This moment can only be described in a timeframe faster than the mind can think so that if you were watching it, it would feel as though it were happening over the matter of hours. Your jacket slides down your body, revealing the straps of your only cover, black laced lingerie, mixed with satin garters and straps up and down your body in places that would excite. There are garnishes of white accents on every piece that contrast against your darker tones. The jacket slides down your back, over your ass, and piles up at your feet.

You can hear that he has stopped breathing behind you. He had no idea, and that is exactly what you wanted. You almost think of turning around to press his jaw back up to his upper lip but then you hear the tone of the elevator again, as quickly as you hear it chime, you see in the reflection of the glass a quick motion of his hand, as he flicks his wrist at the console of brightly lit buttons flashing each floor, and the elevator stops abruptly. You are about to turn around but before you can turn your body, he is behind your pushing you against the glass, his lips locked into your neck as your writhe in the moment. Your hair falls to the side as you push into his kiss. Your body pressed tightly against the window, your mind races wildly, what if someone is watching, who cares if someone is watching, your mind quickly returns to the subject at hand when his teeth meet your skin for a playful intention. You feel your body fill with heat as you now have no concept of humility anymore. You just intend on becoming his as he pulls at the straps on your body. You hear the clasps unhook with sharp resounding noises. One by one, still entrenched in your neck with his mouth. You let out a gasp of ecstasy.  You reach around you unbuckling his belt and pulling his neatly pressed shirt from his pants. You hear the clasp of his pants undo, and the thought of what will happen next has you let out a soft but noticeable moan.

He can tell that the public-ness of the situation has heightened all your senses, and has turned animalistic in his approach. He runs his hand up the back of your head your hair filling his fingers, as he pulls you around to face him. Your hair pulls as you are forced to turn, you feel the little amount of cover you had on slip down your body since he had managed to pry it all loose. You hear its connect with the floor as he pushes his body into yours.

You reel your head back in the passion of the moment, your hair hanging weightlessly against your back and you feel him lift you up off the ground only your back is pressed against the glass the rest pushed against and over him. With firm and strong motions you both embrace each other, feeling the cables tightening above you as you sway slightly from the intense motions. You let out all sounds that fill your head and body, your bodies begin to perspire from the act itself and the situational circumstances, fearful but emotionally tangled in the danger.

10 floors up the sounds of your last explosive moments can be heard resounding through the elevator shaft itself, through the cracks of each floors doors, not even diminishing as it travels.

The chimes of the floors once again begin to sound again, and as quickly as the last sound chimes, you wake up in his arms, dazed but wide awake. You pull out of his arms, grab the sheet to cover yourself as you go to look out the window at the day ahead of you, as you pull the curtains back you quickly look at the clock, it reads 10 pm.  You realize this is because you landed only a few hours earlier and are still on your home time. You see him lying with the remaining sheets barely covering his naked body, the curves and cuts accentuated by the shadows caused by the open curtain and the moonlight spilling in. He begins to open his eyes, as you move back to the bed, gently getting on it walking on your knees, as the crisp sheets rustle beneath you, bent over to push towards him tenderly. You meet his eyes opening. You kiss him softly and whisper in his ear, “Want to try to get dinner again?”

Practice Dating and Lists

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When I was young, as many others did, I had created a list of “wants” for a significant other. While this seemed to work when I was 14, as I got older I realized this was a really poor way to approach dating. I guess I figured “must have beaten the third stage of the fourth boss in my favorite video game” was a bit too unrealistic.

So what better place to explore the “no expectations” ideal than online dating. Oh the irony. Online dating is starting to look to me more and more like a dating 101 class than actually meeting people to form a real relationship.

I mean between figuring out how to end poor dates without excuses, learning the different sub genres of people and personalities, and actually enjoying yourself, you have to battle through those who are using the tiny semblance of anonymity provided by these sites to boost their egos, recover from breakups, or feel they are not worthy of another counterpart due to a self perceived flaw.. so you start to subconsciously make that list again!

But unlike childhood we aren’t writing these down, making some sort of crayola version of an excel sheet to keep track, we are just experiencing it on every date we go on and either smiling or cringing when it happens.

All the different parts of people, their voices, their personalities, their likes, dislikes, outdoorsy, indoorsy, drug use, animals, kids, social skills, their height, their body size, their smile, lips, sexual compatibility, smell, pheromones, 2d pictures vs 3d in person… That silly list you had as a child starts to become a real thing but this time with dislikes, likes, loves, and deal-breakers. Yes deal-breakers are a thing, that one thing that you can literally breath out and say, “phew I don’t have to talk to 5 people at once and just 4 now that I realized this person has a deal-breaker.”

What I am starting to realize is there is a lot more that needs to match up for a match that can bring me happiness, problem is there is really no way to expedite the process. We have to experience multiple dates with these people in order to get past intuition and actual application in real life scenarios. I didn’t realize someone I liked was extremely racist until we went out for the third time and I almost crawled under the table as she berated the Chinese waitress for not speaking perfect English.

Each person we date or are attracted to usually has one or two of these things we have been adding to this fictitious list, but not all of them, making us feel unsatiated, thus afterwards deciding to move on. Not only the good but we are adding the bad too. So as we date more we are checking things off the list but simultaneously and maybe even subconsciously adding them. Because the difference is night and day when we meet someone with 90% of our indescribable experience list… Even the smallest thing like the sound of someone’s voice can have a huge impact.

Is the massive amount of dates just making us numb to seeing what is right in front of us? Or worse yet are we piling onto a metaphorical list through jaded dates? Are we putting more value on the bad than the good? It is like after each date we are rebounding and the next person who is the opposite of the last date just jumped up the list because we aren’t seeing the things that may be even worse for us.

Not to mention, going from one person that may have been a great experience to the next can change your emotional state. Stressing or depressing your ability to give the new person the same amount of uninhibited attention and creativity. You may be left feeling a little empty having fueled the person before to full. Not that you don’t want to give your all, you just have a bit of burn out. Who doesn’t want to give their best version of themselves?  But we do have to remember, that version was specific to the other person and how they made you feel. Remember that. This I believe will allow you to do your best to be who you are now, burn out and all. Let it breath it’s own life into this new moment, with this new person, however it shapes itself. Due to the numbers game that I speak about in my podcast, “Things change, make a conscious effort’, you just never know how much time will pass in between your next “good” date/experience. This can take an emotional toll and be draining. I don’t have an answer on how to not pile onto the lists of prior nor avoid the burn out, I guess speaking with the person about it as I talk about in my podcast “Embracing the Past, Verbalizing the Present” could be an option if the person seems receptive to it, being open to those reflections being your today, not defining it, but having a say in your day. Perhaps this kind of un-abated raw honesty could make these transitions easier for everyone.

I guess I am still a romantic at heart because even when recovering from the last date, or subconsciously playing Jenga with my “lists”, when I run across someone who breaks the mold of the categories and sub-genres I have put people into.. Someone whose voice makes me nervous that I might stumble my own words, but more importantly, feel comfortable enough to do so and makes me feel insecure and vulnerable from the chance that they not feel the same way, yet secure and safe to say it anyway… if you can embrace it, you realize how little your “list” intentional or not matters. You realize that the moment, the day, the want for tomorrow is now your list. Your list is defined by timehad, time spent, and time to come. You don’t see a giant scroll with your Christmas wishlist to Santa anymore, but you hear the jingle of the bell when you still believed.

I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly help us make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real or a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it.

But for now the list grows, changes, gets marked up, folded, bookmarked, highlighted, and the like. I cannot wait for the day that I can tear it to shreds and start actually diving into the real fun: Love.

A Metro Lumberjack with Wifi

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If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum, and wear plaid. I am great with my hands, and will always choose to try to fix something first before asking for professional help. My grandfather who could build the craziest inventions on a workbench only I was allowed to share with him, my grandmother a seamstress who taught me textiles and sewing, and my mother who combined both of these in her creative approach also gave me the gift of music and art that led to a skillset that is diverse in nature.  But I also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. I am plugged in at the hip to most things technology, both because I have to and want to. There is something to be said about going off grid from time to time though, and ultimately I would want to find someone to pull back from the need to use social media versus the enjoyment of casual perusal. It comes down to perception: Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others ideas it is inception? *epic music here*

I am really not a fan of bars or packed clubs… Every now and again it is enjoyable but I am 9 times out of 10 happier with you laying on me in the middle of the park. Shit I am even happy without talking and just enjoying the people and falling asleep in the afternoon. Does that mean I don’t like going out? Hell no, I love it, but I love the woods, I love the water, I love working on a project, building something with my hands, wearing my most comfy outfit while sitting on the patio but enjoying the company of everyone around. Grab a drink, don’t grab a drink, order some food, whatever you want. I want to wake up the next morning after cuddling with you to have coffee, knowing damn well that this is going to make us both have to poop. It is calm and natural. Also I am damn good at doing nothing and being 100% ok with it. I do not have FOMA (fear of missing out). I did when I was younger but then I realized that fear was actually causing me to miss out… Mostly on enjoyable things by forcing myself to look for it too much, often ending in tiring boring nights of the same old shit.

Watching the other people at bars and clubs makes me hate civilization. Looking at these people lining the walls, with a fake “yo I am cooler than you” face is weird. Watching every girl coming in with more and more ass hanging out confuses me. Sitting in the corner of a smelly room paying excruciating prices for a glass of 20 dollar bottle of wine. I will never understand it. Shit I wanna use that dance floor to make a fool of myself. Surrounded by people who will enjoy it. I would prefer the opposite of any dance film where everyone is a professional and just have the worst person in the middle be the winner.

I often try to think of ideas for third and fourth dates and I realize I want to do the same thing I would suggest for 1 and 2, food, a museum, the park, a hike, pool, maybe a movie on the couch? Do I feel like it makes me less attractive, yes. I feel as though to fit in sometimes you have to know the best restaurants in this city of culture and diversity. You have to be able to suggest the best wine, not to mention afford it. You have to write that you like sarcasm and travel in your dating profile, even if majority when really broken down in percentage of time their travel to staring down at the phone ratio would paint a different picture. I am extremely well traveled. I don’t have a want to travel just to travel, I have a want to experience together. But I am truly just happy to be with you. As long as we are looking in the same direction, laughing at the same people we walk by, I am happier with you, and noticing the weird looking squirrel than wherever our destination may be, hopefully you notice the squirrel too. I am also content just to be doing our own thing but around each other. (according to those close to me, I can be 1000 times more productive when someone is just sitting with me) I find that exploring and finding the cool places with you would be more fun than a fully planned out evening ever could be. I also wonder if asking you to the park on a first date is going to make me less “mysterious” and a “man’s man”, hindering my ability to “court” you. Does a big bill and drinks = fuckable and a calm day in the park = boring? I just wanna scream “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” sometimes.

I honestly fantasize about living as far from a busy city as you can get. I fantasize of waking up to the smell of coffee, going into the yard and doing some work. I’ve always loved to just walk outside barefoot to get a breather from the day, it inspires me, it gives me life. Then perhaps I go to work or do some chores, ultimately ending up home next to you, maybe you are reading a book leaning on me as I fall asleep or we are just in the same house finishing up what we need to do. But we are together and there is no pressure other than the need to take care of life, each other, and check in on youtube cat videos here and there. I think with the right company this lifestyle will give more pleasure than a fast paced, high paying, job could ever. Or why not both? I mean we were raised with the idea that eventually we find a job/career, make money, and love, yet we always seem to put love on the backburner.

But back on topic, will our first date in the park be on the day you really wanted a drink in a bar? You never know, but at least, we get to meet in person, and at least feel if there is something there instead of googling it. And I have come to a somewhat understanding that I am ok with this choice of date, as long as it means being me.

“What I’m trying to make a point of is yes it’s those little simple everyday human things that I wish people valued more It’s the smallest things that create real intimacy and the smallest things that create and lead to big things“ – A.A.A.

 

Safety Date

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Disclaimer: I know the difference between a “Safety Date” and a woman’s needs in a world that is not so “Safety” oriented for them. Predatory men are everywhere and it hurts my damn soul to even have to write a disclaimer like this. My 5 sisters experiences and teachings have shown me so much more than I think many men have seen when it comes to, even just walking down the street with one headphone in or with nothing playing at all. I can’t even imagine what that is like. This entry is me talking about when I know it’s a “Safety Date” for the sake of what this entry will get into. Not actual safety. It’s weird too because, I’ve asked enough people to FaceTime or call prior to a meeting and even with the dangers of just meeting from Online Dating, I’ve been hit with an extreme amount of resistance to anything that might be considered the smart decisions(no not giving out your phone number and revealing information, but utilizing less invasive methods) that I wonder why every girl, after seeing the abuse my sisters go through, wouldn’t jump at the idea of “If there is no visual confirmation/Facetime/Instagram Video/Signal call, then we don’t meet”. Just seems like the responsible thing to do. Ok, so that out of the way, let’s talk about the “Safety Date” from my perspective, as a man, who also respects and abhors that woman have to be extra careful.

I have too often gone on dates where I am told via text before arriving(because that is what we do to avoid the awkward conversations these days), “I have to leave in an hour, meeting a girlfriend for X Y Z”. Now this could be true or it could be total bullshit. The amusing factor is it is done for the same reason every time: a safety net from a bad date. For a person like me that couldn’t even quite deal with the timer on a Mario game back during my childhood, these trivial times on dates make me not want to leave the house in the first place. I am going on a date to enjoy the time, not plan for it to be a disaster or feel like I will lose an extra life if I go over the designated timelimit.

I have been on my fair share of dates where I realize within a few minutes of meeting that there is literally no connection. It is amazing what being in person with three dimensions, voice, pheromones, and close contact can have versus a two dimensional photo on a dating site and the obligatory resume or the notorious “About Me”.

So what do I do? I can tell you what I used to do; nothing. I would slog out the night filling the empty space with “uh huhs” and “yeahs”. Constantly checking my phone hoping candy crush(disclaimer I never have nor will I ever play that game!) will somehow become the worlds best excuses app, but constantly realizing all I have in the pipe is “My grandmother died”… and then I feel guilty for thinking it. Yeah not a very good one. So now I am not only doing a disservice for myself but to the person across from me. Trying to be boring enough so maybe they will want to end it and take the burden off me. To me that is exactly what the “timer” is, a tedious way to regulate a date before it even begins and if we are having a great time, trust me I don’t want you to leave just to keep the facade alive of your “plans”.

What do I do now? I tell the person the truth. WHAT!? You would be amazed at how much less invasive the truth is. This is NOT a skill I had inherently, this was something I had to teach myself. I had to build up my own belief in the idea that I need to protect myself a little bit as well. Not from danger but from situations that made me uncomfortable. I was asked once, “why did you stay if you were not enjoying your time?” I said, “I didn’t know what to say.” I was answered quickly, “Why not the truth”… I literally laughed out loud, but when I saw they were serious and considered it a way to care about and/or protect yourself a bit, for someone who is used to giving, I saw the figurative lightbulb over my head light up.  I needed to figure out a “timer” without hindering the possibilities of a good date. So I decided to go with the truth. Trust me the first few times were a little messy, but even the worst ones(which were not that bad), I got a text later on thanking me for my honesty and it was just not something they were used to. And ya know what? It felt really good to be able to protect that inside of myself that feels trapped when I am with someone I am not interested in. It let me go about my day/night the way I wanted without wasting time and energy on something I knew wasn’t going to work. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you are on a train wreck so horrific you can’t even get yourself to look away, but what I didn’t realize is how much less jaded I got when I was able to go into a new date and know I was in control of my own comfort, if I felt no connection I could now openly explain to the other person, in a kind way, that I would like to end it right then, instead of dragging out something and being totally fake. It has made internet dating so much less nerve wracking. It doesn’t lead anyone on and it gives you actual control over something I always thought was uncontrollable.

So how is this different than the timer? I suppose different strokes for different folks, but imagine this if you may… If everyone approached the first date like this, would you even need to tell someone in what would become a redundant, yet currently obligatory text at the end of the night, “I had a good time”. If you made it through the date, guess what is implied? Yup. One change would make a ripple effect on how dating feels. It could literally make a good date that much better because no one is leaving the date wondering. I often reference European culture in respect to not having to question a date and how it went, and being able to be yourself. Take a gander at this article: http://www.myfrenchlife.org/2014/06/18/french-vs-american-dating/ A kiss in the French culture means exclusive. Hookups are less of a faux pa and “dating” doesn’t exist, they don’t even have a word for date. So there is a much more distinct line between getting to know someone comfortably and openly than just trying to get laid. The difference between a date where you are following strange dating mechanics of “doing” rather than “being”. But one step at a time. What do you think? Will you choose to tell the truth next time? Because it really is just that, a very conscious choice. And even if it feels harder, it ultimately ends up being easier on your soul.

It is today, your today, and it is interesting to me.

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I am extremely passionate about the world. I love to be a part of it, analyzing it, figuring it out, being frustrated that I can’t always get the answer. But I will fight tooth and nail to find out or talk my way into an answer! Shit I think I am passionate about being passionate… and when I am not, it shows clear as day.

Being in a city of passionate people, I want to explore the places familiar and unfamiliar with someone I can hold in my arms, to make the experiences different as if it was the first time all over again, because you are there.

I have so many interests, I am not a cookie cutter, I like to try it all. I want to be peeled back like an onion, and I will even help you peel back the pieces to speed up the process, I have always believed in getting to know someone without reservation or thought of “I could get hurt” because honestly, how many times can you go into a situation like meeting someone new with those ideals and not miss out on what could be or waste time on what shouldn’t be because of caution. Damn straight I am OK with being hurt, that is the risk to finding the perfect match isn’t it? If we all strive for Money, Careers, and Love, why is it that Love always gets the stepchild treatment when it comes to the effort we put into it. Why are we so afraid to go after it the same we would react to someone offering us a million dollars to jump eyes closed into a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know people will fight tooth and nail for their goals in life, so why not put that same effort into a relationship.

To me that is the part where I am learning, learning to protect myself from myself. How does one date and protect themselves while being open and sharing to get to know the the other person. I have always been very bad at the protecting myself part. I often share a lot which in turn makes the other person comfortable with me but what am I getting in return to feel comfortable as well. I need to learn how to “reject” those who I do not feel are good for me. I need to stop compromising myself and what I love so as a strange validation that I am me. I am always me. You could be my mother, my best friend, my co-worker, I will talk to you and treat you the same. I don’t want to worry about my different “personas” I will get lost, I will forget my own name. I hope the right person can realize I am not their ex-boyfriend and won’t treat me as such. I often make the perfect “first date” to go on with if you just broke up with a boyfriend, and you are actually not looking to date, but want company and need help sorting the massive mind fuck you and him created for one another. However I am not going through more years of school to get a doctorate so I can legitimately start charging per hour.  I still am looking for that person that makes a blog entry like this obsolete in my life. A person who makes me shut down a dating profile for good. I am actually one of the few looking for the means to an end, to create a beautiful beginning; naturally, organically, and somewhat digitalized.

I will 99 out of a 100 times be more inclined to sit with the person I am dating, talking, than I will be to go to a club.

I think being able to walk down the street and being on the same wavelength of what grabs your attention is important. It is the difference between pulling on your sleeve and yelling,

“OMG LOOK THERE LOOK THERE LOOK THERE” before you miss it and just turning to you and bursting into laughter together.

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California after living out there for 5 years and moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

I do NOT have all my life goals together, my career, my head, they are not clear, they are in process, scary, anxiety inducing spurts of extremes, and I think that is OK. I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late. I believe it isn’t how people interact doing different things but how they are with each other at the moments in front of them.

Three years ago to the day I left a very good job in terms of “job standards” to pursue my passions and to fill the emptiness in me that I would call ultimate happiness. It was hard and continues to be. I am not your 100k+ a year guy anymore, nor do I prioritize that. If I wanted money to be the deciding factor I would have stayed put, but it turns out money really cannot buy you happiness, only a SHIT TON can lol. (no I don’t expect someone to buy me dinner, but I do expect a mutual respect of financial comfort)

The last thing I want people to know, is I believe that people judge on snippets like these too often, when in turn these are just small layers of who we are, and to me the cool part of this is that we can talk about it after we write our blurbs. It allows us to see past the MOMENT that this was written and know the person as a whole.

The Second Date Limbo

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It is so incredibly complicated getting to the second date these days. The rules of “3 days before a call” have long been muddied, if not completely forgotten. Now you are faced with the dilemma of liking an Instagram photo, responding to a Facebook post, texting an indifferent message once every day or two so not to seem too interested but still interested enough until schedules line up. The balancing act of  texts between multiple dates, hoping you don’t message the wrong person the wrong response, timing your texts so not to be assumed you are overbearing.

All these unspoken “rules”, impossible to master without literally not giving a shit, because texts are usually two or three lines of nothing of consequence. So you sit there looking at your time stamps and read recipes wondering if the other person

A is just not interested

B doing the same shit

C has nothing interesting to say

So you question saying hi because saying hi is so damn easy these days. Nothing rings, no running to the phone, just hit a button, tap a screen, flush, and be on your way. The amount of times someone like me who enjoys conversation and interaction gets questioned if I am overzealous is hard to count. If I am in love with you after one date, first you must be amazing beyond words for a text, and secondI woulda sent you flowers.(this is not a dead art dammit!)

(Shit having this blog makes most people assume I am obsessed with love.)

This period between date one and maybe even three or four is confusing, judgmental, and just plain silly. The “I had a good time with you tonight” and if you are feeling generous and not cryptic “would love to see you again” is usually the only sane text after and before date one. It happens somewhere between one and two hours after the first date ends and is usually met with an “I agree” or “me too” but it never defines when you will see the other again. So you are now wondering, should I follow up with a time, or do I wait until tomorrow since I just left. There is no more “distance” because it is so easy to talk immediately after seeing one another. Questioning your own texts perchance they will be taken out of context of trying to get to the next date sucks. Then the time between setting up a time and the date… should you send a few texts here and there to get to know them a bit more?

In my opinion we should use all these communication methods not as a label for “desperate” but a tool to transition smoothly from one date to the next. i understand some people are nuts, but isn’t that what the first date was for? You should probably have a good indication of crazy or not by now. This would allow us some time to talk a little more about our daily life that isn’t considered proper first date etiquette. But nope… We stumble and question and end up looking at a slew of texts over a period of time assuming the other person, if their texts start to amount to something more than a screen’s worth,(mind you this is still probably no more than 10 sentences on 4 inch screen), is a loser, has no other prospects, is obsessed, or likes is more than them. All of this is a false sense of balance and it blows. And remember if you see the “is typing” animation don’t text before it sends or you look too desperate… Growing up in the AIM generation doesn’t help me here haha.

Don’t even get me started on trying to call someone…..

Do I actually miss you?

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You can say I miss you to someone within the first few minutes of meeting them, but what are you truly missing? I think I have always thought it would be nice to miss someone or just default to saying it as a kind way of saying I was looking forward to seeing them again. However, I am starting to realize that I may have been using it wrong, missing the idea of what I saw as a glimmer of hope of what could be. Having it feel good but stop at that. How long does it actually take to truly miss someone? I am talking about missing them as a being not as a thought. Not missing the process, but missing their conversation, missing their laughter, missing their personality, missing how they make me feel and how I perceive I make them feel. I miss you can feel so much better when you truly feel like their actions, words, physicality, affection, and who they are makes you feel… for lack of a better term, complete.

I would almost go as far as saying “I miss you” can be taken in similar light as “I love you” but because it is not as in your face, it is thrown around much easier. Kinda like saying “I heart you” before you are ready to truly say “love”.

That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one in terms of truly understanding the person in front of you. As much as I would love to believe in “love at first sight” my logical side sees how you can only truly get to know someone so much each time you see them. Have you seen them cry? Have you had the chance to decide on what to eat while watching Netflix? Have you taken the time to wake up to them? Have you felt them in your arms while you slept? Have you talked to them after a bad day of work? Have you run around the park with them on a warm day? Have you laid out on the grass in the middle of the day with them saying nothing at all? All of these things are important to establish a baseline of who they are. Much to my own dislike for delayed gratification, take time. You start to dispel the “idea of the person” and see the person in front of you.

So who is to say, once you truly, actually, full heartedly “miss” someone, that perhaps you are or have fallen in love with them too. I feel as though you can still miss the touch of a person, the chemistry of a person, and just the general feeling of not being alone in a very saturated world of Tinders, Okcupids, and Women/Men at a fingers swipe. And it is easy to quickly say “I miss you” and for it to feel sweet and sincere. But when you truly think about it, when you truly allow yourself the part of your mind that processes moment to moment as well as the larger picture, to truly miss someone and to understand what it means to say it, I believe will and should feel different. I want to, when saying or for that fact, hearing “I miss you”, know the person actually has a grasp of me and misses the person I am and not the idea of who I can be or the hole I might fill, if after that sunova bitch… time; which is the catalyst for truly knowing a person beyond what a few pre-planned dates can deliver, it turns out we truly do miss each other.

 

P.S. I feel like there is something about getting away from someone and then coming back fresh and having a new experience that shows you something new about them. I think you can MISS SOMEONE don’t get me wrong, but to MISS MISS someone I feel like it is two different experiences in one expression. Basically time is the ONLY way to get all the pieces to the puzzle that is “us” as human beings. And I am sure there is a certain point where we have enough to feel the “miss” part as knowing another person is an ongoing thing, but without the actually time clocked, I think there is an actual information barrier that cannot be completed.

Intimi”dating”…

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Dating can be intimidating.. with all the different dates we go on, it feels like a rush to the metaphorical finish line of “pulling full attention”. So we work hard to get it, but do we compromise just being ourselves for the “win”?

It’s all about perception, state of mind, and timing.

Will tomorrow be a day of bliss or agony for you? Maybe it felt slow for you, maybe it felt fast… then we have a date and you meet me with the day on your mind. Now will my day counter or compliment yours? Will my timeline, like an inner monologue match speeds?

What if you had a date yesterday. What if it went well? Do you now compare everything I say to the good you saw from that date? Of course. It is natural. But does this affect the whole?

What if the date was terrible and it makes my mediocre seem refreshing?

Timing, perception, and general ability to be the same person we are when doing errands as we are on a date all play an important role in the first date. If we can be who we are with our friends with this new person I feel like we can avoid the ‘competitive” need to win or fight over that first “dating pool” hump. It either works or doesn’t, but many don’t like this idea because not a lot of people go naked to a first date. Most wear hard to penetrate jeans or baggy outfits to protect themselves. So in our 80’s attire wearing minds, even if one is themselves, what guarantees the other is? Nothing and I believe that is why it is frustrating. You go in as yourself and you hope the other person can be too. Is it incompatibility if one person isn’t able to get over the first date jitters? Is it incompatibility if one person is having a different perception that day? Should your potential match “date” like you date?

That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one. You established a baseline and now you want to explore more. You start to dispel the “idea” of the person and see the person in front of you.  You can start to “I miss you” with an actual representation than the innate need to want.

What if having such a large pool of people to “pick” from has made us numb to what is in front of us? I find a lot of dates end with a feeling of not even knowing if I should call or text more. Not knowing how to even approach a second date, sometimes this will even apply to date two and three. It isn’t because I feel disconnected from you, actually I am quite interested, and we seem to be having a great time together, but there is this weird nonchalant feeling to it. Complacency with first dates over the idea of seeing more. As if perhaps we have to act “cool” so not to mess with our busy lives or open up to hurt. I want to say “I would love to go out together on another “date” and perhaps see if you were interested as well, more than just “cool dude” but “hmm might make a nice boyfriend, eventually, maybe, perhaps, could be, worth checking out” “ without having to say it.

(last snippet taken from above entry, “do I really miss you?”)

Why is the truth so bad?

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I want to hold hands and make out in public. Go to the movies. Take road trips and see beautiful places. Share things, be intimate and close to another person. Cuddle on the couch and watch tv. I want the simple things. That sounds so cheesy, but it’s honestly what I’m looking for. 

Falling in love is a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.

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I honestly can not deal with another bar. I want to meet when the sun is out or the rain is falling. I want to drink something that isn’t a form of courage and stumble through the everyday with you. Let’s just take a walk or go to a museum and for just that moment get lost in something other than our own lives, sharing, laughing, giving our phones a rest. In that we can be the unabated child we still feel like, stumbling upon words and not needing Google to answer questions we don’t know. Instead working together to create that day and let it have it’s own story, not an already created Facebook memory to go home to.

I believe finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

When it comes down to it, I need a challenge, not a game. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Laughter is a plus, even the awkward kind.

Let’s find a random place to lay down and cuddle within the first minutes enjoying the warmth and the affection as we stumble through the words. We can jump into a fountain before-hand if it is to warm. Perhaps we just meet extravagantly in front of the clock in Grand Central and kiss at the stroke of 12(pm I am an old man and need sleep!). Or maybe just kiss right as we meet so now we have a way to make the other shut up when talking too much. It doesn’t need a formula, it just needs a place and the people.

The most important thing to find in a another is someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

To know that I go into everything in my life with a hopeful outlook even if I get frustrated and caught up by the heat of the moment. I am working on myself everyday even if it is difficult and I would hope you do too. Not because you are broken but because you truly just want to procrastinate stagnation.

I will be 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship, will you?

First Impressions

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First Impressions…

I want to get to know someone, not based on finding the perfect outfit for a first date, and then canceling because you can’t, but on the person they are every day. I mean when they are old and I am sitting by them in a rocking chair yelling at the kids across the street or the fish in the ocean (depends on where we retire) do you think I give a shit what they wore the first time I met them? (although I will remember because I have a weird memory like that)


But it is more than that superficial part I am talking about. The real first impression, having to do with who you are, who you give off, and how your day has influenced your self at that given time.


The more first dates I go on the more I realize it is impossible to be the same “me” everytime. Sometimes I may be introspective, sometimes goofy, at times I may give off sophistication, and sometimes I just don’t want to tell you about my tattoo again. So for the person on the other end of that night, will that first impression be the “go to” moment of who I am or has social media and the “need” to stalk someone’s past after a date instead of the memory of the night just entertained, made it a moot point.


Will I no longer need to worry about that “changing schools” mentality because so much of me is engrained in an online memoir? Do those first moments slip from mind as the overwhelming amount of social media crams its way into the mind of those around you pushing out the present and consuming them with past?

Or will, as time and dates continue, my true self be a shock. As my personality progresses from one dimension to two dimensional with each encounter, does the person I met adapt or hold onto a memory of that first night when I fit the category of that specific mind set and personality associatively put forth by myself?

Someone said to me I was kinda a “smart dork”, the word smart never really registered as a descriptor I would use for self. People smart or worldy perhaps, but book smart… That would be new. But that night I knew so many random facts, I didn’t need google a damn thing haha. My mind flowed information that might make my LASIK surgery seem like a waste of money since I was being pictures with intellectual glasses on anyway.

So my thought is, does that first impression stick, as the personality we bring back into mind when shit goes wrong or things start to “change”. (Change being a poor choice of words, as it is more like the progression of pulling back the layers of someone impossible to summate in a first encounter) But do we want to live in that “first impression” to hear the songs playing or to feel the butterflies in the stomach?

Does each date, essentially boil down the rudimentary idea of changing schools. In one school you had years for people to “assume who you were”. But you change schools and you can, like a movie, reinvent your self. Eventually you, as a person comes out, but are people so used to a certain “first impression” that even that change will still be crowned with it, masking the quirks, the small bits, the layers. Will we be unable to truly see the person in front of us because our mind has, in some small way, subconsciously, fallen for that “first impression”. Yearning for it to be that simple, that complete, and not having to worry about time revealing more than we are willing to put in effort towards. Instant gratification through perception and projected assessments.

I suppose for me, recently finding love and then having it broken quicker than it was built, I can say over time it is beautiful what more impressions can do, how they can make you find the person more attractive, more exciting, more lovable. I think it is important to just put forward the face you can the day you meet, because then, no matter what, you are being who you can, and each day you continue to tell the truth, to your partner and yourself, allowing for the growth to be organic, beautiful, and comforting. To want that “first moment” back, is like asking for your virginity to be restored. Impossible, to say the least, but so much better the second time, or third, or when you truly understand and embrace a connection.

A Snowy Spring Night – Two Minds Connecting in Judgment-Free Listening

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The evening started alone. Sitting at the table wanting to look busier than I was but being comfortable doing nothing all while being uncomfortable thinking I was perceived doing nothing by those around me. Holding my phone up to cast the cold, glow on my face, to let the world know I was not waiting alone, then being annoyed enough by the glow to put it down and just sit in silence, something I don’t often get a chance to do. Sure I will sit and not speak, but at a table, outside of work, outside of my comfort zone, surrounded by the voices of others. It felt like a droning silence and it was nice. The ladies next to me talking about their difficult day and me selfishly not having to worry about their burdens.

I flipped through the restaurants menu for a little to be sure I would make a good choice. The prices made my jaw drop. I can’t afford this, I can afford this, fuck why did I pick this place, knowing damn well I really wanted to eat here. Healthy organic goodness. A perfect meal for the night. But I am a starving artist, this will make a dent. Fuck it, too late now.

I went back to silence amongst the murmuring voices. Texting her to take her time, saying I had gotten a table, no rush. Words I would want to hear in the same situation. Easier to comfort others than yourself of course.

As I sat there in my thoughts, I was unable to figure out what we would talk about, 2 weeks had gone by since we last met, we could talk of work I suppose, but how long would that last. I had forgotten what we had talked about prior. Did my attempt at a goodnight kiss make this weird? I didn’t have to wait for that answer, that night got to a place where I could actually just speak my mind and ask if it was weird. Turns out it was all OK. No need to analyze. My explanation of my need to hear others thoughts giving her an insight to my intense observation to that around me. Understood.

When she arrived, we did talk about work for a bit, showing her a preview of my recent photos and actually explaining the reasoning was a ton of fun. No one else had seen it yet. She loved the photos I take with the dancers after each shoot, this ritual I do with those I shoot, where we pick the hardest pose off google and I attempt it with them, they being professional dancers and me having remedial skills from college. I made my joke saying someone would probably want those for a gallery versus the ones I put so much work into… but she saw I actually was honestly thinking of including it somehow and had some great suggestions. But she also understood those photos would not exist without the wonderful rapport I built with the dancers throughout the shoot.

These moments in my week where I get to go out and turn my phone on silent are captivating, yes I am talking about dating. To get away from the glow of a screen, the reminders of an email, the chime of a text. To just use my phone as a random fact check or to remember an example. When turning my phone face down makes me feel proud versus scared I will miss something important. In this case the important thing is right in front of me. It gives my mind a rest. Recently I was told, perhaps I wasn’t actually enjoying the moment and being myself but putting on an act of sorts (you can hear more of this in Convincing Explanations). Turns out when I am just me, it is amazing to be disconnected from the world. How much further can we get from nothing where even a cloud isn’t ethereal enough.

I don’t know if it was the lack of being rushed at the restaurant. The food. The lighting. The company. Or the stories I was telling but I had a sense of complete calm that night. In a flurry of both snow, which flurried outside the window and complete thoughts. I talked as myself, calmly, put together, zen. My passion for what I do came out. My voice calmed. I was in my head speaking my heart no fears in the world. Just enjoying the company of the person across from me.

Explaining my tattoo’s meaning without saying a word. Through my stories that night and my life it brought it to fruition, no need for a “story”. It gave it its true meaning. It brought the ink alive and made it meaningful. “The Fool” made more sense than anything I have ever written or said about it. Sometimes when I write something down I have trouble re-hashing it as a story, because I feel like I wrote it better than I could tell it. But my stories that night old or new had a new sense of excitement to them. Of course I started to become nervous and overwhelmed that I was telling a story irreplicable if this date failed and had to be retold to another, but it bringing me happiness in that moment, it made so much more sense and I brushed  it off as a casualty of happiness. I can’t even write how I explained it, I would have to tell you every story in the exact same order. A once in a moment moment. 🙂

Sharing these deep moments and being given the chance to recall memories from the past few years that truly brought a smile to my face: directing, my dad, my life. It brought me comfort. It made me legitimately smile.

Being able to explain my life and not be judged on it but accepted for it or just listened to, with intent and interest. Not needing to know what was in her head, because she would tell me. No deep analysis needed. No multiple thoughts within a split second as preparation for what might be said next to head off any dragons or ogres. Not having the answers was just as rewarding as having them. I like not having to constantly make eye contact during a story because I know they are listening. I disarmed myself by not feeling the need to analyse emotions, eyes, shifting, body language, I was comfortable with myself.

I left on that cold night warm and content inside and out. As I write the daily life anxieties start to return but for those two hours I had complete calm and a sense of self. It was beautiful. No expectations, no wants, just enjoying being there. It was her partly her childlike approach to dating that calmed me. It made me feel safe. I didn’t have to talk about sex, pop culture, or entertain. I just got to be me. I could stumble my words, say the wrong thing, and pause to form the words or never figure them out. It all felt comforting. That night was a good night. She opened up to me in an extremely vulnerable way and we could still carry on. Her eyes told an amazingly deep story and through the pain a deep love for herself and those around her.

The snow falling outside the windows on this “spring” evening may have contributed slightly to the mood as it was calming and slightly romantic, knowing we wouldn’t have to endure a WINTER again.

I don’t know if it was friendship or more but right then it was nice. It feels calm. And I like calm. I like being me. I like explaining the different aspects of life I have had a part in. Many people ask me so when did you fall in love with Photography. To me this is a very difficult question to answer. I don’t think there was ever a point. I am interested in many many things so even calling myself a photographer is hard for me sometimes even though it takes up 99.9 percent of my day. Ha. I just really enjoy things where I can interact with people and help to achieve things with them. Help them in their lives and mine gets brighter. When a character I direct a person toward then bleeds into their actual life and contributes positively, I have to call that a good day. But I am not a one trick pony, I can make a mean sauce, salad dressing, dance, sing, photograph, edit, travel, smile, laugh, cry, be sarcastic, and so much more. She seemed to understand the different aspects and enjoyed taking them all in as a first impression for a second time versus a one time “this is how it is”.

We sat, we continued talking and sharing. The snow continued falling. The food eventually coming, the bill no longer on the forefront, but a worthwhile expense toward the experience we just shared. And the last call, as we ended the night as it began… But before that, before even walking out those restaurant doors, into the blustery snowy spring night…

I liked the mutual understanding of our choices versus the judgements. I liked the outcome to not matter. I liked the good food. And I liked sitting with this person, menus down, for a good half hour before ordering.

Just as an update, we are still friends on social media, I hope she sees this, as I don’t think I ever directly shared. But as for us, as a couple, it wasn’t really considered. That evening was our romance, our love, our relationship. That night was how we were meant to interact in the universe and give each other a reprieve from what can be an overwhelming world of dating let alone overwhelming world in general.

Things Change, making a conscious effort.

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I used to believe there was this conscious effort that went into finding the right person quicker than others. I am not talking about meeting them and then getting to know each other, but through personal exploration, sense of self, cultural differences, there was a possibility to see fireworks/ hear music the first time you met. That to me seeing multiple people at once, I.E. “Dating”, was a waste of time where you could be learning the most you could about one person to see if it would work or not, then move on. Shoot like an arrow so to say.

Movies like 500 days of summer made me wince as she took on multiple relationships at once, mind you a very different and intense version of “dating” but one I figured was and is happening all around. People who are afraid to commit, so they just wait until enough time has passed where a decision is made for them on which side of the coin they choose versus flipping it.

But what I am realizing as I learn more about myself is that sometimes that first date is nothing even close to who we are regardless of how self aware we are. In my case, being hyper aware of my surroundings caused me to unintentionally act differently. Validating myself so the person across from me would accept me, putting our needs as whole to the side and worrying about what they thought. The simplest example is being unsure how to tell someone upon first meet “I don’t think this is going to work out” and remove myself from the situation, without becoming uncomfortable.

So now that I am becoming aware of what it is to be myself and to act myself, I can see that obviously others have to be going through the same thing. Then take that and multiply it by how far they have thought about it or how much effort they have put into themselves. So it is no longer me thinking that “giving all up front” is the key(although I believe being open is still important), but being able to “be consciously yourself upfront” is an important first step to getting to know someone.

My projections of how someone may date and the such apply to this newer idea as well. To just date 5 people at once is still weird in my head, but I understand it if you are going into it without an act and honestly just trying to let the organic nature of human interaction take its course. We really don’t know the other person on the other end of the relationship and won’t for quite some time. We may feel an attraction and it feels great, but knowing and feeling “happy” are so different.

You can bring in the talk of sex here but I think it goes beyond the physical. It is about the part of you that doesn’t need that sensation.

For me, I feel like my biggest step lately is just understanding, knowing I am struggling and constantly consciously working on being me on a date, that the other person is too. And regardless of the outcome, I am OK with it because I am being me. I can only bring myself to the table. I no longer have interested in “turning the tables”. By learning and applying that I myself become calm, collected, and meditative on what might otherwise be a struggled date through the above, it has made the simple act of breathing out in between sentences and stumbling over context or conversation a comfort and normal.

It feels wonderful when you are OK with it yourself and even better when the person with you accepts it as well. I think it benefits both people, it turns a “first date” best face forward, into a conversation between two people. It opens you up to stories, memories, and things that can bring you joy and intrigue. The two of us are laying the groundwork for a friendship.

I still believe in being an open book, but my book now has a cover to help let me close it and safely put it away, if I don’t want to read anymore or need a break. This helps to maintain that great crackling sound down the binding if I want to reopen it and let someone read more.

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The problem with “Prince Charming”.. he is the rebound.

He “saves” the woman, the woman is swept off her feet, falling for him and only him.

Sooner or later the Princess learns an important lesson, Prince Charming can’t actually save her from herself.

Either she realizes she needs an understanding of herself first or she will end up falling into, once upon a time again, a deep sleep in which she must once again be awoken by “Prince Charming”.

Not such a charming cycle is it?

Tristan Pope, Lostintxtlation

Convincing Explanations

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I find myself learning more and more about my securities and defenses. I often consider myself someone without walls, which is true to a point, but then I see an act, albeit a very sincere one, being played out in front of me at times. My own mouth the main actor.

For example, if I were to explain to you my ideas of how relationships work and sharing a lot of feelings up front with no reservation, I would give you a scenario about Europe, my childhood, the way of life there, and how I was raised. This gives you context but in a roundabout way of saying my unabated thoughts on the topic. By putting it in this context I have a third degree of separation removed from the idea that you may reject my ideals and the topic at hand. I have placed them into the context of my life instead of me, as a person, in that very moment I am saying it.

On the other hand, I could tell you I think sharing a lot right away is refreshing, a breath of fresh air, and the way I expect to see things; but there is a chance I get rejected from that idea or judged. While that judgement would be an accurate way for me to assess a relationship, in a deal breaker sense, I have created these “explanations” or “stories” that one would tell their boss on a sick day, instead of just saying “I don’t want to come in today, my work is done, I need a day off”. It beats around the truth in the way a Fool jests the truth, making it acceptable to be laughed off or listened to intently. I have found the “formula” for relaying my own beliefs so that the person in front of me can be “impressed” instead of judgemental. I have figured out how to pad myself from rejection or snap judgements. While I still think there is validity in doing it this way, so you don’t get thought of as the “clingy” or “over analytical” person, it doesn’t do much to help me find the person who accepts the things the way I see them in the long run. Later on, the person could dislike the same idea I just told them while we had our first drink as I set off the pyrotechnics with flashy dance numbers. The presentation may have impressed them, but it didn’t help them to assess it for themselves, thus not allowing my own assessment to be accurate.

I get afraid of people jumping to conclusions of who I am, what I like, and how I see the world, because it is true, I do think about shit intensely, I do have a lot to give right away, but I have been privileged to so many people jumping to the conclusion that, “it is too much too soon” or “all I have to give”, that I have searched for the long winded stories that accompany my feelings, thoughts, desires, and self. It is tiring to have to accompany what could be considered a yes or no answer with notation to read chapter 3 and 4 to truly understand the meaning.

I am pressed to write out that explanation right now, to tell anyone reading this that, spending time as a child in Zurich and abroad helped me to see interpersonal relationships in a different light, to feel more connected quickly, to not be disappointed if things didn’t work out, but to be happy to meet new people and form strong bonds, to not find boobs to be shocking but a natural way of life, to sit 1 inch too close because personal space is boring. To tell you about my friends in Denmark and France that I have stronger relationships than I have with anyone here over less time because we accepted one another based off very truthful, raw, moment conversations. To explain how on Sundays every store, gas station, business is shut down, forcing people to interact, go over to friends for dinner, converse, and just focus on the social aspects of life. Giving for one day, interpersonal relationships more importance that our careers and materialistic needs. But it doesn’t help me. It helps you. It helps you to either “accept” my explanation in that moment or it confuses you because you haven’t lived in that world, therefore you accept it as my “quirk” and consider it something you will learn more about overtime. But there is no more explanation overtime, my me, my “who I am” is the same right then, as it will be two months from then, as it will be with a boss, family member, best friend, and girlfriend.

So I am learning, I am growing, and ultimately I am becoming more comfortable being me.

 

Love will find you… but stop hiding!

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My mother always told me to “wait, be patient, love would come to you”.

If and when I hear this today, I can’t help but think this is the furthest idea from the truth. Either it is my innate need to rebel against my mother’s advice or it is my sense of self being defined enough to know that the “Love will find you” is not the love I want. I do not strive for the staple white picket fence, mortgage, two kids, and flat screen TV 2 inches bigger than my neighbors. My white picket fence is not a place or a thing, it is a feeling, a way of being. My “hallmark family” is defined by how we live our lives and treat the world around us, not building up a literal and metaphysical wall to create a new world, isolated from the paved street filled with other’s also hiding in their own homes, feet from one another. My ideal love is able to live in the world in front of me, to be present for the ups and downs, and to feel everyday as intensely as the last.

I have written many things about two people’s timeline’s and how that can affect your ability to love and that once you do love that love alone, is not enough.

The question I often struggle with is, how do you “find” love then? We seem to be OK with it “finding” us, but someone has to be doing the hunting. If it isn’t me, who is it? If your mother taught you the same thing, be patient, love will come to you, then aren’t we just in a form of stasis destined never to meet one another?

If you do run into a situation where there is a potential for love, should you grab it by the head or should you, like a child, pull its hair and run away giggling, in hopes that it got the clue? We often use words like “clingy” or “intense” to define those who show their true intentions up front when it comes to the topic. I come off as the little kid yelling “Mom, Mom Mom” still, but I’m just excited about most new things and people in my life. I find it to be a tricky tight rope to walk, not only for the other person and to not scare away the deer who heard the twig break, but to also keep your own guard and not get trampled by an idea of love. To keep the balance of self vs infatuation, letting it breath and grow naturally, but also adding wood to the stove before it burns out too quick.

Finding someone else regardless of the social constraints:

  • Who pays the bill
  • Who buys the first drink
  • When you split the bill
  • who sends the first message
  • Who txts first
  • Who calls first
  • Who says I love you first

What does it all really matter or mean in the long run?

In an organic situation you will find someone attractive and then subsequently judge them based on who they are. What you do in that moment is almost irrelevant, since if and when you decide one day to spend the rest of your lives together today is going to be a distant memory. You will remember feelings, looks, exchanges. You won’t remember the taste of the food or the price of the wine. Things change, jobs change, we change… but our connections grow and to grow together surpasses the social confines of a date.

We shouldn’t put so much pressure on the first impressions or circumstances rather than the person right in front of us. The thing that is most important.

So maybe that is the answer to “letting love find you”; allowing yourself to be open, vulnerable, and safe all at once, in the moment, with the person, regardless of the place, time, or everyday needs bestowed on you as a human being. Listening to them and them to you, letting go of your body to be yourself and actually see them and you in the full picture, before making a judgement or acting on an impulse. We don’t have to meet at the pinnacle of perfection we just have to meet. Then we have to be open to communication and understanding. Then if what ever interested us at our first “spark” is strong enough as we travel along our own life lines we will actually become two people who encourage and inspire one another.

I think for the rare few, maybe love will find them, but for the rest of us, it take’s work, not crunch your next deadline at your job work, but remembering their birthday work and making moments in time, by giving up some of your time, work.

 

“The Hover” (+Add Friend)

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I just spent what felt like endless time hovering over the “+Add Friend” button on Facebook of my last relationship. I had no music on, I had other shit to do, but I saw an update through some forgotten social media so I ended up clicking link after link until it ended up on the landing page of the once removed Facebook page. I literally had my face about 5 inches from my 30 inch monitor just staring at the button, mouse cursor over it. The inviting hued green color saying it was OK, my mind having a battle that parallels that of an open field revolution, both armies firing across, the same hue of green, grass at one another.

When I finally began breathing again, my brain felt like no one actually won. Just PTSD suffering symptoms resonating in all parts of my synapses still firing rapidly. Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen from staring at it for so long without taking a breath. “She is like your mother”, “She hurt you”, “She made you a better person”, “She inspired you”, “You got nothing done with her around”, “You liked the idea of inspiration versus the application”, “she is so talented”, “she is so beautiful”, “we had amazing chemistry”, “she abandoned you when she deemed it too hard for herself”, “she will do it again”, “Socks”, “we would make good friends”, “we can’t just be friends”(actually specifically I remember her saying to me we could never just be friends back when we were good).

I loved her, I momentarily hated her, I didn’t care anymore, I am offended and proud when she is successful, I keep wanting it back. The idea? Did the idea even have enough time to be one? I was her doorway from danger to safety. I was left in the hallway between the two doors. I am still in that hallway. I wonder if she ever see’s my “Add Friend” button. She should come back to me, not me to her. Would I even accept her? Would I even know if she accepted me, everything I knew about her was an expression, a breath, an internal sound, the words were just paper versions of what they should be, the real feelings were all in her eyes, and I no longer have access to those. All the time having “Buy it Now” syndrome, where I hover over an obvious impulse buy, which I probably can’t “afford”, but click anyway and don’t look back because it already ran your credit card. Even knowing you now have a small window to cancel it but wanting it enough to pretend it is final.

Regardless of being so introverted compared to me, an extroverted introvert as she said. Regardless of me trying to work to “compromise myself” without the same in return… I don’t want someone who can’t accept “Time” as a mutual enemy and skip the “readings”. I don’t want to get a PH.D to legally understand her. I’m glad I didn’t hit the button. But I am sad that I can’t. I am sad that we can’t just be in each other’s lives. I am sad she was such a good kisser. I am sad that my winter felt colder because the promise of her being there was broken. I am sorry I looked so far ahead. I am sorry she allowed it and sealed the ideas with a kiss. I am upset she was cowardly in her last message to me via text. How stereotypical she had become to use the media forms we both knew disconnect people from actual responsibility. Ultimately making me decide her fate, when she was holding the gun. Although it was a water gun, blinding, blatantly orange, no threat, just empty, no water, taped shut, never to be filled.

My brain continues arguing. “I still miss her.” “I still believe in her.” “The woman at Dunkin donuts said we looked good together.” “I still don’t know how to protect myself from her.” Why am I hovering over this fucking button!

So I pulled away, I decided to come here and write instead, I didn’t “break”. Then the equally calming hue of blue, with the words “Follow” on Instagram appeared…

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