Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Uncategorized (Page 2 of 12)

Ready to purge, the modern form of dating.

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It seems like today we are just itching to purge people from our lives. We have forgotten what it is to disagree with others, what it was like to not have a swipe at our finger tips when we felt down or alone or loss. We forgot what it was like to debate, let alone get things wrong when we can just “google it”. But can you google the wrong inflection, a lapse of judgement, a misguided thought? No, but you can work together with someone to let them know how it makes you feel and see how they react from there…

But why have a confrontation when you can literally just hit “block friend”, “hide comments”, “block number”, “remove follower” from the new world, the online world.

I cannot dodge every mine laid down in the field by past experiences, relationships, etc. Eventually I will hit one. And as unintentional as it may be, as I have no intention to cause harm or discomfort, letting me know, or I letting you know when you hit one, can help two people really move forward in the communication that truly builds a relationship, friendship, or amicable human interaction.

We all have some baggage. We all have bad experiences. But we also don’t know these things when we are new to one another. Exploration is part of getting to know someone, so if both people approach it with this attitude, I find those “oops” moments to be something less of a “FUCK THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK” and more of a “My bad, learned, noted, will broach differently next time”. This isn’t censorship, this is compassion and understanding of a fellow human.

So please feel free to step on all my mines. Just know I have learned over time, to let you know at the time of explosion, what just happened, why it happened, what it makes me feel like, and how I would prefer we approach it in the future. And if you have a suggestion of your own as well, please feel free to chime in and I will do the same for you!

If we just purge someone right when we feel  they are about to step on that mine, they must be just like the last person who placed it, the other person has no chance in hell to ever navigate the “minefield” of “experiences”.  I talk more about this in my Mindful Explanations Podcast Entry. Technically we are all just navigating each other’s mine fields. If I do step on one(which is inevitable), I want them to let me know what it was and I will learn from it and employ empathy to make sure future steps are softer.

Black Mirror is a TV Series that rides the edge of what could go terribly wrong with technology, yet it is not so far from the truth. Maybe we can’t block faces, and voices from right infront of us and we still have to deal with arguments and fights with people we love, but before we love, before we give the breadth to love, we are so damn eager to purge anything that isn’t exactly what we want at that very moment, no room for improvement, learning, growth, explanation, debate… anything less than instant gratification to our metaphorical lists of Do’s and Don’t, a click of a few keys and we have erased the barely a memory person from our life. And we swipe right again, saying “This time will be different”… “This time I won’t make the same mistakes”… “This time, I will find love”.

My question is how do you intent to change or find love when you never gave a memory enough time to learn from, an interaction enough time to grow, or a possible romantic encounter the life to have it’s ups and downs. You were so ready to purge you didn’t realize you were blocking your own ability to grow at the same time.

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Interesting… So I am more of a “DO SOMETHING” don’t “SAY SOMETHING” but “say a little something to fuel the ego” lol

I’m not your bodyguard, I am your boyfriend….

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I am tired of this paradigm of “I want to feel protected by my man”. Now don’t be fooled by this sentence, it doesn’t mean I do not believe you shouldn’t protect someone and your partner should not feel protected!

If the guy was raised with any morals or compass for good, of course he is going to fight for you and “protect you”. It is an instinct. It is the difference between standing on the road side of your girlfriend when holding hands while walking down the sidewalk versus not. It is something built into the core of our beings, we fight for the things we love. But being Chivalrous and Caring is just gestures it isn’t a partnership. It isn’t an equality.

Just because I make you feel safe, doesn’t mean you make me feel loved. If anything you wanting to just lay in my arms feeling safe has a strong ability to make me feel empty.

Why can’t more people want to share the passion of a relationship and grow with one another? Why can’t the entire relationship be dominant. Why do we have to fulfill roles? One is submissive one is the other. Fuck that shit, if I pull your hair, pull mine right back. Show some initiative in a relationship so I know I am not just dating my cat. I can get all this from a furry friend with way less effort.

The reason I want a human is to be inspired, to help inspire, to become partners in crime in this world that needs to be stolen day by day.  I genuinely need someone who has a high level of creativity and ingenuity. Having my back intellectually and enginerically(yes I have created this word, it means being able to assess a situation and solve it together, usually relating to building Ikea furniture). We should be able to survive the zombie apocalypse together. My partner has to be on my zombie apocalypse team because she belongs there not because of love! I may mention a bit of this in my Podcast Stronger Together, is not being weaker alone.

Stop hiding behind your “I don’t want to get my heart broken” and your “I open up when I know you better” ‘s let it hang out and fly free. The worst that happens is you realize sooner and faster if you are meant to be and you can dive into the meat of things. You can achieve love.

But if your idea of love is me being some sort of prince charming, you are cruelly mistaken. Prince charming is a rebound for a girl who just got gaslit by a wicked spell.  When the Prince “saves” the woman, the woman is swept off her feet, falling for him and only him. Sooner or later the Princess learns an important lesson, Prince Charming can’t actually save her from herself. Either she realizes she needs an understanding of herself first or she will end up falling into, once upon a time again, a deep sleep in which she must once again be awoken by “Prince Charming”. Not such a charming cycle is it?

I don’t want to be your rebound. I will happily carry you over puddles and open your door and kiss your forehead, but if I have no inspiration to continue doing it after you open up to me… perhaps this is the reason many women think men just put up a front when they first meet. Because at the end of the day it just isn’t inspiring anymore to do the chivalry if we are not getting an equal relationship.

Mind you, I am not oblivious to the fact that, most guys are dicks, societally influenced to be alpha. “I need that Masculine Energy” which has often been portrayed by men to men as a very toxic view and  is often a very polarizing view of a man coming from a woman. Forcing them into a position that limits their possibilities. However, in a conversation recently someone in the same sentence made an interesting observation, “I want someone I can lean on, someone I can confide in, to feel safe and comfortable. I like feeling the protection of a man, and I don’t mean guns and muscles or anything like that… but it’s just like… There is a masculine energy that a guy can give off that makes me, I don’t know, feel safe and maybe…” And this is where the revelation was from this particular person that I 100% agree with, “maybe that feeling just comes from feeling loved, heard, and seen. The things I have not had from a partner in a really long time.” And here is lies the crux. So many men are treating other women like crap. Half of the online dating discussions I have are on “bad dates” and “red flag lists”. So, I agree, there is such a thing as masculine energy, but I think over many failed relationships and strange judgement projected by other men, it get’s put in a strange pandora’s box of sorts, that cannot be opened without causing harm to true masculinity: The feeling of love, partnership, and feeling safe to be yourself, together. Nothing is more masculine than a man who can be OK with ugly crying “I love you” to their partner because they just can’t hold it in anymore and need to share.

So here I am, 5 sisters, separated parents, abusive mother, absent father, it has caused me to have a dire need to want someone to tackle the world with, together. I need a partnership and that feeling of safety just as much as my partner, who is likely not going to be masculine! I want to be better than what I grew up with, I want to create new and healthy traditions, together. I want to create our own memories and for us to be stronger together than we would alone. Never wondering if  “Am I sacrificing my career choices and ambitions for this relationship”, “am I sacrificing my self”, because the work done together in the relationship is what is actually driving us both to become better at it all. Plus, I really want you on my zombie apocalypse team!

The REAL Reason Girls Love The Dad Bod, Explained By A Woman, rebuked by a man.

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http://brobible.com/life/article/girls-love-the-dad-bod/

So basically what I am gathering from this article is because of social stigmas of guys who spend time working to be healthy, they are douches, and those who don’t prioritize it are all the following:
More caring
Less judgmental
Weirder
Not self concious
Not going to try to motivate you to do the same.

So in turn what this equates to is:
The girl is insecure and doesn’t want someone else who might not be.
The girl has decided she doesn’t want to be fit so therefore a guy who is, is obviously a douche.

But what it actually equates to for the guy is:
I am not happy with my body
I am self concious
I am probably lazy
I am not good at goals
I am either a couch potatoe or work aholic

Why do I say these things? Cause I spent 3 years unhappy with my body. And feeling like shit. Anxiety and self demoralising. But when I reclaimed my body I felt invigorated, more apt to go out, more comfortable doing all the fun life can throw at me. Did it change who I am? ABSOLUTELY. Did it change my heart? Nope. Have I seen first hand that having a 6 pack versus a stomach can literally mean meeting less people, YES. 100% and that sucks.

So ultimately what girls and guys should be attracted to is the person they want that motivates the things they are motivated to be. Not just judge. Just find someone who makes you feel like the better version of yourself. Not project.

Also the dedication it takes to really get into really intense physical shape, is a very good indicator of how a person can push themselves and have self control over their mind and body.

Be anything

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Before we can tell people they can be or do anything. We need to tell them that they can and are allowed to struggle to be or do anything. Once we accept the struggle and embrace the emotions that come with it instead of hiding them to be “stronger”, then we can become stronger. Learn a stronger sense of self.

Accept that we may need to cry to work out the emotions that go with the struggle.

This allows us to know whether or not we want to be the “anything” we are striving for or if we want to take a different course.

Halloween Love

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Halloween isn’t just an excuse to wear a slutty outfit, the slutty outfit has PURPOSE! It is “tease your significant other day” by wearing the sluttiest outfit possible, going out to a place where you can do nothing but be in close proximity and rub against each other… until it resorts to being literally dragged home and hardly getting up the stairs to your apartment before the costumes are puled aside, with the door only halfway open to our apartment, keys still falling to the floor” excitement.

This is not too much to ask for…

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#truth

I am special

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Too many people have this mentality “That won’t effect me” even if they had a revolver to their head, they might think, well this chamber is empty and won’t fire, because I am special, I am different, I will be above all this shit when I get my scrooge mcduck pile of money where I can’t be touched. WRONG. Dive into a pile of coins, see who ends up more hurt you or the money.

Sunshine and Roses

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Life isn’t always flowers, most the time it is the thought of flowers and you just have to remember how beautiful they are and how much you love them. Then most the time that thought can get you through most of it.

All it takes is a snap.

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When you take a selfie with your significant other the way you both look at the camera and each other is extremely telling of the disconnect or connection you have. Micro expressions for life. In this world we live in where impressing the invisible likes is more important to actual connection it is very easy to see relationships on the rocks just from one picture.

At the core we are not a fairy tale. So skip the end already!

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The ultimate problem with “Prince Charming”.. he is the rebound. He “saves” the woman, the woman is swept off her feet, falling for him and only him. Sooner or later the Princess learns an important lesson, Prince Charming can’t actually save her from herself. Either she realizes she needs an understanding of herself first or she will end up falling into, once upon a time again, a deep sleep in which she must once again be awoken by “Prince Charming”. Not such a charming cycle is it?

It isn’t a princess I want. She is going to leave me. Being “saved” by a prince is just a rebound until she can get her mind together. And being afraid to tell all only hinders the ability to know if at the core as humans we match. The princess is always kidnapped, sometimes drugged and put into a long slumber, losing massive amounts of her life and time. Then swooping in with a kiss and waking her is not going to heal her wounds. She needs time, unless you are OK being tossed aside when she is fully better.

Too many people squander time by hiding loving the idea of someone or waiting until it is “official” only to feel underwhelmed at the outcome.

We are who we are at that specific time when we meet. Either that is OK and we get to the start of the relationship, love. Or, we need to be self aware enough to say, that we ourselves need more time to ourselves first.. That is unless you find some who makes you stronger together, not weaker alone. 

Claiming my inner child.

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I feel like I have been given a glimpse from my life about 10-15 years ago in the form of doing, not just thinking and remembering… and it feels really good to feel that invigorated again.  Anxiety and other issues have claimed some of me over the years and being able to claim back bits of me, is invigorating. I let go a little bit in terms of just going out there and putting it all on the line, laughing, and joking through it all. Like a merging of my life now and my life then, the actor and the director. I feel like I am in costume again going into an auditorium of 1000000 people as a murloc screaming about slavery for no reason and it feels good, but with much better production quality. To be able to claim back that sense of adventure and remember I loved this stuff and finding a way to incorporate it into my life and my career is amazing. I hope I can keep the forward momentum here because it is super important to me. Maybe it is the work I am doing on myself with the help of external influences or the brain just changing a bit more, or all of the above. But it feels good. Let’s keep breaking down the walls that life sometimes builds in our way, release the inner child!

Online dating is simple, you are the one making it complicated.

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Tell me what conversation you can have on Tinder, OkCupid, or any dating app that is going to tell you more than an in person meeting?

If you have established the person is not a serial killer through sharing social media or other such mediums, why must there be some made up “online dating” etiquette to make everybody feel vindicated that they “followed the rules”.

Fuck your rules.

Your rules end up with a date with someone who you don’t like the smell of, has bad breath, a voice of a tiny rodent, and a horrible sense of self. And guess what? They just happened to be an amazing writer. Those twitter sized bite size faux texts on your dating app sure did save you time…

ONLINE DATING IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE AS SIMPLE AS:

  1. “Finding the other person attractive”
  2. “Seeing if there might be some similar likes/dislikes”

And that IS IT. And hey guess what… that is NO DIFFERENT THAN MEETING IN PUBLIC PLACES. For all of you who think online dating is inorganic, the only inorganic thing is the amount of choice and ease of approach. In person you have to get up the nerve to say hello, online you hit enter and never look back. In person you get to see the person, mind you with more depth perception and being able to compare them to yourself and see a 3D version of them, but the attraction is what makes you want to say hi, not their amazing ability for “sarcasm”. Shit an in person meet might not even get to number 2. It might just be getting the number and setting up a time to meet, AGAIN… IN PERSON…

You HAVE to meet, there are too many mitigating circumstances that go into dating and meeting someone for you to be able to make an educated decision or even know anything about the other person without it. But if you want to harp on the fact that X amount of messages were or weren’t sent, you want to go back to texting nothing of consequence, and making snap judgement without knowing a damn thing about the person, go ahead, but please for fucks sake stop swiping right on me.

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No one can sell you something if you refuse to buy it. Stand up for the world you want to live in.

LostInTxtlation

Enough to feel connected, not enough to connect.

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Lately I have been wondering how much we hinder our actual ability to form meaningful relationships because of the internet. We have this sense of being connected all the time, yet we are further apart than ever as well. It is like being in a “comfortable” relationship, not for the happiness or love, but because it brings us consistency and doesn’t impose on our comfort zones. Tell you what, I would rather be single and lonely than together and unhappy. We do this with so much in life, jobs, living arrangements, relationships; grasping onto that safety blanket of our own insecurities and the technology has the potential to unlock so much more for us but we choose to hide behind it. We grasp onto whatever semblance of anonymity we feel it holds for us still. A picture from yesterday on instagram with 1000 likes doesn’t satiate us for more than a fleeting second. We need to open our eyes and enjoy the world around us, using the tech to enhance it, not as a passive blockade, sheltering ourselves from mystery, intrigue, and the unknown.

This bubble of tech we have created around us is not healthy. Not just the internet, but texts, emails, and any other forms of communication that require electricity(minus the infamous phone call which I truly miss with all my heart.)) I loved talking on the phone. It brought me happiness. Sure you can text and chat with people all day at the computer or on your phone, but you get no human inflection, voice, or warm fuzzy feelings when you see someone’s name pop up on your caller ID. Instead we get annoyed, and ask for features built into our phones to send automated texts to allow us to skip calls with courtesy. I still leave messages, and they are damn amusing, but when is the last time you did when you weren’t feeling playful? A voicemail account being setup these days is rare, and even rarer for us not to instinctually hang up immediately when we hear the start of an intro to it telling us to leave one. I remember when I was younger, not getting a phone call every day at least 3 or 4 times sent you into a spiral of depression, now I feel like the constant “connection” can do the exact same thing.

How are we to really connect with someone and fight for things we truly think are worthwhile when we are stuck in the digital void where we say enough to feel connected but never pull the trigger of connecting.  And if we do meet someone it is like a job interview, with 10 others lined up afterwards on both ends, we want to be there but at the same time we find “in person” to be a waste of time. Then on top of it all we don’t give ourselves the disconnect needed to let each person we meet sink in. We are constantly missing opportunities to meet people because it is so “convenient” to stay in “limbo”, messaging just enough to stay on the radar but never actually making the effort to go beyond avoiding opening a text, forbid we let the other person know it was “read” before we are “ready”.

I mean you all know what I am talking about, who doesn’t open up Facebook messenger or texts and skim the first few words to avoid that “read” receipt. It is a cyber warfare against true connection and we are all the ones to blame. This goes beyond hunger games and just starves us of humanity and interpersonal connections we need.

We fight for minutes in the day so we can snap judge character and personalities, yet when we only pursue the “instant connection”. And from what I have seen these connections don’t last because they too are based on instant gratification. What if that person we had in queue didn’t have that instant connection due to mitigating circumstances? What if the “perfect first date” which doesn’t exist, was a flop, but the second one would have been truly mind blowing. I believe 100% that you can fall in love, and by that I mean letting time give you the full picture of a person in-front of you making you want more and more of the addictive drug.

I miss the days of talking for hours on the phone with someone I knew I couldn’t see but wanted to so badly. I miss not looking at read receipts and wondering if the other person would reply. I also miss delayed gratification.

I dunno, I enjoy what technology provides for us, but I find it to be a very lonely place where we literally are surrounded by people 24/7. I think there was something to be said about not having instant access to all the information at once, something that inspired us, made us better, and taught us the value of debate/conversation over facts.

So for me, it is going to be a conscious effort for less digital-shenanigans, and more “going on that first date”, second date, and hopefully third.

Give my brain a breather…

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Trauma in my past built in this amazing ability to process a thousand possible scenarios from something as simple as a sudden breath, micro expression on a face, or even the lack of words. When you have to protect yourself by being prepared for every possible outcome, you learn to adapt. It comes in handy now because it gives me an insight I don’t think I would have had otherwise. There is a reason I tattoo’d “And go The Fools among” on my arm. I am The Fool, seeing the world for what it truly is, but being allowed a glimpse of others lives and jesting at opportune moments.

The problem is I am no longer having this trauma in my life, so when I am with someone else, especially in a romantic situation, it is so goddamn important for them to tell me what is on their mind and not leave me fishing. Sure these thousands of scenarios, I process, happen in a millisecond, but they are exhausting.

All I can hope for is someone in my life that can understand that when they are honest, open, and transparent with me, it allows me to be with them on such a deeper level. By giving my brain a breather, I don’t have to be defensive beyond my control(not even a visible defense), but I can hold their hand, and trust where we will lead each other, because I don’t have to concentrate on their face or lack of words, but what is ahead of us both, enjoying it together, in the moment.

This is my baggage. What’s yours?

I feel _____.

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Something I have been getting much better at lately is telling others how I feel, how what they say makes me feel, and drawing boundaries for myself. This is unique for me, because I always believed in being the open open book. However, it turns out I benefit from a little bit of a cover. Not that this means I am any less open, it just means my “open” is a little bit more protected from dirt.

This I find, however, is not something easily accepted by others. Others might do it as well, but they may not be in the same place as you to truly accept it. They might be doing it not as an open conversation, but as a conversation stopper. And they may not have learned it the same way, so you get some pretty big clashes by being honest.

I used to think that I would meet someone who I could find that could agree with me that life is too short to spend it taking jabs at one another and treating each other with sarcasm, versus encouragement and support. But what I am also learning is that these things are things you do for so long over a lifetime that you cannot switch them off overnight, and some sort of banter is necessary to survive the support.

I am a sensitive being. I can get hurt quickly, I am weak in certain areas, I am fast to form an opinion, so when you combine that with text conversations and an equally sensitive partner, you find the opposite of fireworks, you just get internal explosions no one else can see. This causes quiet secrets, that are not meant to hurt, but created by both parties to protect one another from hypotheticals.

I also have the inate ability to recover from shit being flown my way. I have had to deal with it as a child, teen, adult, etc. I taught myself due to extreme circumstances growing up where I got hit with it a lot. So combine that with me now sharing when something feels wrong and you have a very interesting explanation of self, especially for someone who doesn’t know your “self”.

We have been living with our own demons and pasts so long, getting someone to understand them as well is hard. It is a true test of wills. But at the same time are we supposed to just “click” or are we just supposed to “click” on specific things, allowing the non clicked moments to feel less impactful. Opposites attract… yet I always feel that if I met someone who put as much thought into the idea of people, the context of valuing humanity over physical and tangible achievements, that it could be truly magical. I suppose the opposites are best defined as being things that you can contribute to one another in a way that lets growth live and breath with each other.

But it isn’t just about being able to agree upon things, it is about being able to have a thicker skin when shit doesn’t mix and being able to work through it without letting the past define us too much. I know my past has the potential to throw some serious wrenches all over the place. At the same time I also know my past does not control my future as long as I am open to letting it out and in when need be. But on top of that if you are feeling as though instead of “hearing” another being is just “accepting” it is the same as brushing off an acknowledgement. It becomes increasingly frustrating. There has to be a sense that two people are working together equally, not just setting up boundaries at every turn. Actually understanding the boundaries is more important than the boundaries themselves.

“I learned to understand my Leo by understanding that he needed positive reinforcement for the little things. He needed me to be open to letting it all hang out with him or he tended to think I was not interested or had anything interesting to offer. This was out of my comfort zone but when I let go a little bit to him, it was a warm embrace that followed”

I am just rambling, because I did meet a similar person, and that similarity seemed to be only similar in brand not by make. Created completely differently, not actually riding the rails side by side, but being on opposite hemispheres thus having an entirely different type of passenger that we let aboard.

Who knows, maybe one day we will be universal to one another, but for now we continue our daily commute with a completely different schedule.

Oh well, derailed for a moment today, back on track tomorrow. And with that… enough train metaphors.

A year and “change”.

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I ran across this today. It reads like fiction or perhaps a poem, but is my life. I wanted to share it again as it seems to have gotten lost in a year past. It happened close to this time last year and even though it was only a second date and we never kissed or went on to talk more it was truly a calm and happy moment in my life. An unplugged lost memory. I now know why I wrote it down. It speaks more about me than the date. And I feel sharing it is like sharing a piece of me. Hope you enjoy!

It also goes to show how much can change in a year because a few months later I went on a date where I was on a call to start a huge en-devour to really get my business off the ground and the call went long, and I had to ask my date if I could keep talking with the promise that I would be right in. Instead of being pissed off at me, she saw how enthusiastic and excited I was for the potential of what I was just talking about and started to talk to me about the call, my business, and what was happening at that very moment. She played off my energy, my excitement, my fears, my anxiety and we talked like friends who had known each other for years instead of the boring generic questions of a first date.

http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/81556750235/a-snowy-spring-night

Can you please explain to me as to why men ask for openness and honesty, but when you are they decide you aren’t worth getting to know anymore?Is it wrong to not want to send someone you haven’t even had a date with nude pics?Or am I the problem?

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You are well within your right to not send a naked photo of yourself to someone you never went on a date with and that should be an indicator of what they actually want in the first place. Although me personally I prefer clothing to naked for foreplay 🙂

Some ask for open and honesty but are not willing to give it themselves so when you do they recoil to the little boy on the playground pulling hair. The chase isn’t as fun to some people after they know it all, showing how they really are only after the chase in the first place. Honesty should build and bolster a relationship not harm it.

I also don’t know what you are telling them, maybe it is something they realize is not their thing. Which is totally within their right as well. We guard ourselves so much wasting so much time pulling out the answers, when in reality we should be able to lay it all out, and make an educated decision if the other person is for us or not and just move on or stay together without the bullshit.

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