Category: Uncategorized (Page 12 of 12)

I suppose I have wanted to write for awhile now but I always get this feeling when I am about to go to sleep so I just let it go writing down a few notes here or there, well after a year those notes start to add up.

I cannot catch you up on a year but I can try to write about right now that has lingering moments from the year itself.

To me the year does not end when a ball drops or when the numbers change on a calendar but when my life feels as though it is charting a course for change or I start to get inspired to get off my ass and make things happen.

So lets go to the last 5 months. I had just finished directing another musical production of  the Fantasticks at a community theatre in Bedford NY. It was amazing how much fun I have directing. I love working with people and helping them grow as people and as actors. This was no exception. But this time not only did I work with people I did not know but I also got a chance to work with my Father. He tried out for one of the parts. For the first time my dad got to see a part of me he only heard of over cross country phone calls or coming to a show when I was younger after all the work had been done. He only really saw the finished product not the process involved, the process which I pride myself greatly upon. I believe the way I work is really what I enjoy, sure I like to watch the show with the audience but I really like to come into the “safe” rehearsal space where I drop my jacket to the ground without thinking twice, a place that is almost as safe as home. And this time my Dad got to see me in that environment and how I worked with people. It came with its ups and downs. It is not easy to work with family for business, especially when you are directing them. However, it worked out well and he was able to see me as me, not as the shadow I considered myself to him.

I always pictured myself somewhat in my fathers shadow since his life has gone on a similar path as mine. But when I got hired in California I started to branch off from that idea, but he never got to see the growth. I got to sit down with him at one point during production and explain to him, I am not him, I am not making his mistakes nor do I think negatively of his choices. I just needed him to know I was a different person and sometimes he has to, even though proximity to him is closer now, let me be me and not look to guide. I still reach out to my family for guidance but during production I needed him to not be my Dad at certain points and certain points I did. It was a rough balance that often ended in heated arguments. But he got to see and understand who I am and have grown to be. It was refreshing. We used to have a saying of me “hitting a wall” and I was always soo afraid I would continue to hit that wall when I was doing well, a sort of self destructive attribute hard coded into my brain when I was being successful. I guess that is why it was so hard for me to leave my old job, I thought fuck am I doing it again. Turns out I have grown out of that and the choice was right.

I also got to be the outside director not influenced by community ties and really cast as I saw fit, with the input of a few trusted people next to me. And even with some people screaming in my ear NOT to hire certain people, I made the choices as I saw would benefit the show. And guess what, it worked! I had my doubts at times, but when it was all said and done I was so proud.

Some of that pride however was shit on by some strong egos of the community and I learned a valuable lesson. I learned I would not support that community anymore other than for that of my family. But they burned the bridge with me, as opposed to me burning my own bridge. But that is OK, that IS community theatre.

Well right after this production , I decided it was time to quit smoking. This was influenced very much on a promise I made to a person in my life that had changed it in less than 3 conversations. So on March 15th, the IDES of march, I did just that. And without any cessation  device I quit cold turkey.

What I did then was not what I planned. After that show, I had nothing else to prepare for. Up until that show I was swamped with projects here and there. Making very little money but making a constant flow of work. All of which didn’t get me any closer to figuring out the mystery of why I left my job and what I would do for the rest of my life. Part of the reason I decided to direct a community theatre gig. A way for me to get back to my roots. I wanted to see how I felt about it still.

Well, for the next 4 months I sat at my computer and build a community within a video game called APB. I played every day and gathered a following of 1600+ people viewing my live streams of me PLAYING my video game. I got sponsored by the site so I would make money depending on commercial plays. So I invested and sat and played. I made a lot of new virtual friends and loved every moment of it, but  as I looked at the numbers I realized this would never be enough to live on, and that began to grow on me, and so I got depressed. I played to just keep the motion forward, but I cut out everyone in my life. The no smoking and no workout and no life outside my home was wearing on me.

Somehow I met a girl during all of this and it was the perfect relationship for what was happening. It was very independent of my life and she was passive enough to not mind my absence from life most of the time to stream a game which I called my job, but in turn it was me escaping from reality.

Lets just say at the end of the four months of doing this, things started to get very bad in my head and I exploded internally all at once. This explosion happened at my Sisters birthday party in the city. I had to leave the comfort zone of my house and go out and see my entire family, face my sisters who were being successful in college and one who just got hired in a very lucrative position at a major game company. So success was all around me, and I looked at myself as a failure, I didn’t want to sit at the table and share anything because I felt low and like a failure. I broke that night. I went outside with my sister and I grabbed at her cigarettes and smoked one down fast. And BLAM clarity. The fog of life lifted for a moment and seeing the world around me. Fuck I gained 15 lbs, fuck I have no job, fuck I need to go out, fuck I need to work out, fuck I am in a dead end relationship.  That night I walked home, clouded but clear. I bought a pack of cigarettes and decided to smoke if that is what I needed to fix this shit.

The next day, I stopped streaming the game, I ended things with the girl I was dating, and I started cleaning house, literally and metaphorically. I began reaching out to stylists and friends and family, and I started preparing photo shoots and working out.

It was all such a mess still. I needed more panic attack medication than normal just to go through the day, my head was exploding with this strange clouded feeling that presses on your brain making it unable to decompress the millions of thoughts a day.

But I was going forward and I felt new.

A week went by and I setup my first photoshoot in over 6 months. I met with my hairstylist and got my hair cut, discussed life, discussed love, women, and how I wish there was someone out there that understood what it meant to have no walls and to see the world as just that, the world a place to enjoy, a place where you can walk down the street and be so tuned into one another you don’t need lengthy emails or words of passion but your eyes and experiences shape into love.

I think he saw I was still down and invited me to stay over for a little he was having friends over. I declined as I am not always comfortable being alone at things like that, and went on my way. As I reached the subway platform at 42nd street, I saw a girl with nice shoes on a smile on her face. I decided to brighten her day and complimented her shoes. She was quick to smile and say thank you, as I left the subway train I smacked myself for not saying more but was happy I said anything at all. I then opened up my OKCupid account on my phone and a new feature was available, proximity dating… I clicked it and pictures of people in the area popped up. A girl who looked just like her popped up and I clicked it quickly to say hello and see if they wanted to grab a bite to eat. But my phone reversed it and she was lost when I refreshed. I was like FUCK NOOO NO NO !!! So I went onto my browser and found it had saved it in the history and quickly messaged her.

To my surprise she answered me, and then my phone beeped as it was on 10% battery life. FUCK android phone die in seconds after it hits 10%. I tried to see if she was still in the area only to find out she was back in washington heights where I just had come from. Strange… She was passing under me on the subway and it located her in my area for that split second. Wow what a thought. I read her profile numerous times, and she said she could talk when I got home. So we talked, then we im’d, then we skyped. And it started off invasive and intense but turned into a very nice conversation and got my heart fluttering. What was this fate of an encounter through a dating site app on a phone..

So I asked if she would meet up with me the next day and we did. We met at the park  I saw her crossing the street before she saw me and thought, wow… she is beautiful, long dark hair, amazing body, cute sunglasses, I hope she isn’t dumb haha. I found a nice spot under some trees by the water, watching the row boats going by. We sat together and she eventually snuggled up into me.  I was amazed at how she just did as she wanted, no hesitance. She was just her. So when the time was right in my head I followed suit and having the urge to kiss her I gently took my hand under her chin point her head up toward mine and kissed, no double guessing or thinking, and it was perfect.

We continued to talk about our families and the traumas and love and siblings and everything. So fast so open, I had just told Mauricio my hair stylist, this didn’t exist in American women.

She had to go teach yoga to the homeless so we left and I followed her out of the park to a cab. It was a hot nasty sweaty day but she was sweaty too so who cared.

She said if you want you can meet me after. I was hesitant, still coming out of my 4 month shell. So she said, either way, is fine if you are there we will hang out if not no harm no foul.

So I sat on the corner for a little thinking it over and decided fuck it, and walked to where she was working. That walk itself was surreal, the transformation from 72nd to 110th and lex is crazy. You go from uptight, to rich, to students, to loud and obnoxious, to hepless, to gangs, to scared, to holy fuck I am like a shining bright star in the middle of this place with my pale ass skin. WHICH btw we checked earlier she had the same skin color as mine, whoa weird haha.

When I got to her apartment it was warm and inviting. She had a house guest staying with her, so we couldn’t really just talk, but she grabbed her laptop and began typing to me and we had a silent conversation. I went out on her bacony to smoke and just pearing into the window at this girl that came out of no where, wondering if she would be the girl to skip down the streets of New York with and see things I had seen hundreds of times before but because I was with her, it would be different and new and wonderful.

So we are at today, we are dating. Our first few DATES were intense, we talked about intense shit involving childhood, memories, lack of memories, traumas, etc. We cried we laughed and we pulled away, but she saw me each time for who I was, she saw into my emotes and knew my feelings and it was scary and nice all at the same time.

It is still a roller coaster. I wonder how things will turn out, but I know that that person I met and continue to get to know is special and adds to my life. I just need to know that we can skip down the street, spontaneously smile laugh kiss and go home wrapped up in each other without needing to say a thing.

It got me thinking, all we really have in life is our interactions and our words. We may live in NYC or in Hawaii or in a hole, but when all is said and done and we have died what did we have.. we had interactions. We had a world that says DO SOMETHING to be productive but we are all just flailing around like children grasping for that metal jungle gym that had a real physicality to it. But now that we are older it is as if we jumped from a plane and are floating to the ground without anything around us but air and looking down knowing there is a landing, but knowing that landing is probably death. So we interact, we talk. And those are what are important to me. I look forward to waking up and doin the daily flails, like a workout or homework, or looking for a job, but I know I really just want to have those conversations that take the meaningless existence and make it tolerable make it into a smile, turn it into a bbq with friends and family.

Because honestly even at events what do we do, we interact. And it is weird and scary to think of it like that. But unless you are curing the world, or solving things greater than you and EVEN if you are, you are still just a bunch of words and interactions with the people around you, and with the ones you love, those are more important than any cure or peace in the world. We sit in flat beds of trucks in the middle of no where camping, but what is camping, going outside with a sleeping bag, and laying on the ground or walking in dirt. What makes it great is the interactions with the people around you.

It is hard to really put my feelings on this into words, but I guess it all goes back to happiness is not where you or what you are doing, but a state of mind.

For instance I cleaned out my bathroom in preparation for a move I have coming up and even though I hated it, I felt happy that I was cleaning and getting it done. You don’t need to be doing things that make you feel good to feel good. You don’t need an epic story to tell a tale.

So now I am in limbo still, a forward motion that has halted a little as I struggle with the motion itself with jobs and ideas of jobs, and health and etc.

I dream of my fears often, I dream I am at my old job and I feel a sense of security that I have money coming in, but I hate that I am back. I feel wronged with that whole situation still. I was befriended when I got to my job, but a few years later, 10000 gay jokes, and belittlements to boot, I felt like I was in the position that had been talked about so often, people being put above you to make you leave, so that you aren’t fired. An uncomfortable situation that makes you want to go. I mean I had a feeling as the job was changing that the interactive aspects I thrived at were less and less that I would be less content. So it was the right thing to do to resign. But I also miss the benefits and the comfort of the job security. Problem is if I am not happy I will eventually sabotage myself and burn my bridges. And I didn’t want that. The company meant to much to me to do that to them and myself.

I remember one of the turning points was when my ex was going through drug problems and I was working out with a trainer, coming in early and saying “Nothing you can say right now can bring me down, because we all woke up today and we all have a load on our plates” before I could be told nice man purse or something stupid.

It is amazing to me that at the LOWEST OF LOW I was able to smile and make my day work, make the time go by, without fear of time. Just being in the moment to the fullest.

It helps when you can see the problems of others to help you deal with your own. But it is only a bandage to the bigger problem which I solved by moving back to NYC.

I guess a lot of these thoughts also come up again because I am moving, not into the city but 3 blocks down from my current apartment which is 15 minutes out of NYC on a bus. Which is not a problem especially because it is bigger and cheaper than ANYTHING I could get in NYC but I still yearn to just be in that life again even though I like this one, it is a conflict in my head I cannot solve.

I still search for my meaning and what I want to do. And my year started a month ago when I took the first drag of that cigarette and realized I needed a change.

And once again I order the patch and plan to embark on that one as well : )

Oh, I cut my hair short,

I lost 10 lbs,

I went from 17bmi to 14, and I pulled something in my foot that is impeding my workout at the moment. Wooo.

OH and I found out the klonopin I am on for panic attacks makes it difficult to reach orgasm. Fun times.

But I smile, I write now, I fear some of the things I write, because people can take it wrong, but I will always be me, open as a book, open to pain, resilient to it as well, because if I wasn’t how else would I know if I was doing it right.

Crying is important, and I was finally able to do so with Shae a few weeks back. But I lock it inside sometimes and wait for an explosion.

My past came back to haunt me again, with memories still hidden but words confirming they were real. Not sure how to take that one yet.

Oh I started reading a book after 14 years of not reading a single one. I just wish I could interact more about it, I don’t like to read for myself I like to read to bring what I learn to a discussion. I guess that will come with the more I read. It still pains me to read haha. The Myth of Freedom

Whats wrong?

Simple really, I stopped smoking and through that I lost ambition to workout, and without working out I gained weight, without smoking I gained it faster. At the same time I finished a long term job and now have none. And without smoking I am in a cloud of fuck, and in this cloud of fuck I can’t make reasonable decisions. At the same time I have to figure out my apartment situation which is always fun stress when the lease is going to end, and at the same time I feel like a failure. Yet my family who praised me for my accomplishments still aren’t privy to that fact, so I feel like I am letting everyone down. What are you working on. I HAVE NO IDEA cause I DUNNO WHAT I WANNA WORK ON. I am lost, soul searching to the extreme. And then I think about dating and I have and I wonder how can anyone date me and not see failure, when I know inside I am not a failure, I am just in a weird place, but then I look in the mirror and see failure. There ya go. Oh and I did the math and by the time I am 30 I will be flat ass broke. I am a fucking catch right now.

Some how though I can still smile and spend money and be me. Yet inside I fucking rip and tear and shred at myself. I just wanna know how to share what I have to offer with the world in a way that I can accomplish the things I want, the need for recognition, and the need to be me, not a character in someone else’s story.

I am actually fine with not smoking now, I feel better smell better etc, but then I look at the weight and the lack of inspiration to do anything about it and then money comes to mind I can’t afford a trainer like I used to be able to.

I am being proactive though I bought resistance bands and am going to start p90x / insanity hybrid. I needed something less impactful on the floor to not annoy neighbors after 3. 

Oh funny story, I have no idea what I look like in the mirror, and I also want to just eat a can of tuna when I see myself getting past a certain weight. Yeah I have been like that for many years, awesome trait. I am 160-162 right now and I used to be 153-155. You would think hey no biggie, to me it isn’t the ripped self I saw was possible with a trainer and it will affect my life.

Girls don’t judge appearance like us guys do, but I swear I feel like if I am not my 100% when I first meet someone physically then I am fucking it up. And that is messed up. Cause I am always me, but I think that way. And dare I say how HARD it is to maintain what I consider to be 100% fuck…

I wanna be in shape, because deep down in my subconscious I have to look like the movie stars because I swore one day I would be one, so then there is that… the thought that I have taken the easy way out of being behind the camera instead of infront of it. Although I just don’t wanna be in front of it for the same reasons anymore. I want it to be ME infront of it. And not talking about youtube videos but being able to help.

I think I can do this with my writing but am unsure how to setup a place for me to organize my stuff into any readable order and also a place where people can interact or ask me questions because I am best when I can 1 on 1.

I wanna move, I like my place but I don’t at the same time it feels constricting. I just wanna re-organize my desks aka part of my life.

I wanna love, but I don’t know how to find love anymore ever since I thought I found it. Which in turn made me soo much more picky. It raised my standards again after dropping them after many years.

Well there ya go. Journal entry to no one, yet to everyone.

Not sure if I am keeping this one public yet… so yeah.

welcome 🙂 ditto

I am seeking guidance.

I get these moments of relief from what I can only describe as overwhelming anxiety. These moments come from the strangest or most obvious reasons. I am on the end of one moment of relief right now from watching a simple movie of blatant romance.  Sometimes I am given these opportunities to see, and as my day showed me, sometimes I have no more control than to pace back and forth, and lay down, get up, walk straight, or stand still. But knowing there IS guidance, that gives me strength. Be it from myself, my subconscious, or those around me. Because I tell you my self conscious self is super strong right now, and makes it obvious every time I fall asleep, bringing my thoughts into a dream state, with symbolism and happy or nightmarish experiences. Sleep that wakes you abruptly not letting you sleep again or forcing you not to wake.

I watched my kitty walk down my legs outstretched on my desk, and as she laid down and watched the screen with me, darting her eyes back and forth on the screen in an almost innocent interest, I was snapped out of my relief to think of the size of my room, but quickly my logical brain kicked in and let me make sense of a very new situation.

I looked through old emails today and read old conversations I had with my dad. I have grown very much since then, 4 years ago. And it is amazing to think of what those four years have brought to my life and how they do not hold any reference or frame of time without pulling up the old conversations. The years then put into perspective give me clarity on my life as it is now. I am not sure if I should apologize for who I was then or if it is who I am and without it could I be me today. It is strange to not know if an old fragment of a time is something to be happy or sad about. To me not knowing has always been my biggest fear. I have always wanted to know everything even if it would halt my life in its place because I believe I would push on.

I listen to the soothing tones of “Leaving for Paris no. 2” as I write. The songs lyrics not registering in my mind, but the melodic piano and classical feel touching my ears. As the song repeats the lyrics register more and more. Yet I believe I still have only heard the “I am leaving for Paris” line. So the song still registers as a pace to my writing here.

So I ask for guidance now. I ask.

I am looking(more of a metaphor for those I already see and hope I will always be able to see) for those who believe in me, I am looking to surround myself with inspirations alike. I am looking to walk the streets and see just what it is that aches in every bone of my body.  I understand I can be a hell of a personality to digest but I believe through moments where I have been torn to the edge of my own level of angst I have shown that I can smile, and make the days turn into seconds, and the issues at hand turn into a simple pleasure as a glass of water in the middle of the night would give.

I am reaching out, in simple gestures all around and this is my message to…

It always amazes me the people who I end up surrounding myself with perhaps without even knowing it, and their strength in my weakest times. I value that more than I can ever express.

As I did 4 years ago, I wrote sitting on the corner of the street with the lamp shinning dimly upon me as I felt alone. But what I may not have realized as much is how much I was alone only to myself and not to those around me.

We as a people prove to be so strong in times of loneliness.  I can say I do not feel alone tonight. I am alone as I write, I am alone in my apartment tonight, but as I see my cats run to my legs when I walk and hear the words spilling out of my head onto this, I realize I am not alone, and my merit of that privilege weighs much heavier to me as something to never let go of. But that is not where it ends, there is more to it than just those who I will sit and drink wine with and tell stories or debate in full curse ridden passion.

In the days to come I will see a balance of truth and lies. I will test the waters around me to show me who is capable of being in my mind even for a glimpse, something I find interesting with every person I meet. The fact that we are indeed all so much our own entities that can only ever know ourselves fully.  And why shouldn’t we be. Don’t we strive to be so much our own selves that sometimes being anything but or giving away too much would take that away? The fear of being alike… I don’t think so personally.

To hear those words “You see too much of me” makes me smile not run. It makes me happy and I hope to share those words with more people. Because having a bit of someone else’s truth is beautiful.

I am scared but that is why I write this to…

So please tell me how it is that you see it if I cannot get into your mind, and help me to learn the skills to do so. But see me as well and understand me at my core. The strengths always lies in the core. I am ready to let go and fall into this letter to…

And to myself, guidance.

And so that is what I will do.

Thanks for these moments where I can catch my breath in this constant breaking wave.

What would I describe love as?

Or perhaps better put what would I describe the feeling I yearn for from another in my life?

I suppose my ears could tell you through the voice of a beautiful song. The way the tone resonates through my heart and body. The tremble the sound carries to my ear drums that shake my body and cause my hairs to stand on end. The sound filling your whole body, unable to make out the words, but just register the feeling it causes you.

Perhaps my mind could think for you through the lack of struggling with signs, or how it could be, or how it might be, but how it is.

I suppose I have always thought of finding that special person as something special above itself. Not that it would be grandiose or a perfect definition of textbook love, far from it.

I guess it would be an equilibrium of ease and comfort, mixed with the complications that are brought to us every day in our lives. From the simple upset stomach from some bad food, or perhaps the unINTENTIONAL upset stomach from too much junk food, to the simplistic beauty one can see in another, perhaps through an indie film perspective, in which you can take it shot by shot and apply a simple color wash to the filter of the day. The day transformed into a de-saturated image of how it actually is, but the lack of color actually gives it the feeling of fall’s crisp air, and the beautiful colors of the leaves falling off trees around you as you try to capture the moment in your mind forever because you know you only have so much time in your day to stand and stare at the beauty of nature shedding its prior season.

Being able to look into the eyes of that person next to you, be it near on a pillow next to you or far across a table during dinner, and knowing, you both are familiar with the idea of investing time and effort into one another without needing to surround the drama of the world around your visions sheltering your senses from what could be great, or could just be friendship.

The simplest of smiles that can be brought to your day by the other person remembering something small that you mentioned earlier in the week. Just seeing an effort that they too care and are thinking of you in the empty space, usually filled with our day to day lives, between conversation. A feeling of care. The feeling one would get in highschool usually after you were titled “boyfriend and girlfriend”. The attached stigma of those words broke down many more walls and caused hugs to become a daily occurrence and kissing to be part of your hello and not a question per date. But regardless of statements, titles, words in general, it is a feeling one would think could be plain and overwhelming.

Within the strengths and passions of each day, lived by both parties, there is the understanding that the idea of a simple life and happiness are not defined by where you are or your days final outcome, but that the simple life is a state of mind and if shared within that ideal, together both can live past sarcasm, jokes, and hiccups that often cause a bit of strife. But somehow the person next to you inspires your passion and can make a hallmark card moment make sense, not because you read it, but you realize you can now say it without the card.

The simple ability to say what comes to your mind and if you change it later, being able to correct it, without the scare of having chosen the wrong answer first. We all need that second moment to rethink what we say, and sometimes we agree and sometimes we wish to say it again or in 50 different ways to express how we really feel.

The time-lines of two people often have to align for you to get the relationship to even begin, it is when those time-lines go out of sync(which WILL happen, because we all have changes, physically, chemically, and mentally as we progress through life) when we really see how it works with the other person. How we work together then is when our “essence of love” truly shines.

When we meet a person, even if it is the FIRST time, or we see a picture of them, or hear their voice on the phone, or understand one of their opinions, I believe, even though I can only speak for myself, we picture them in every situation that defines a family, a life together, coming home to them, how they will be with possible children, waking up next to them, having to sleep next to them every night and not having your OWN bed. I believe this almost primordial instinct is natural and we should not be afraid because of stigmas against it to think about it or even discuss it, but not to lay it out step by step, or think that we are pushing too far into the future with these thoughts, but just consider it part of that first impression, and just take it day by day. It will become more obvious as time goes on, and time is really the only thing that can really shine this brightly. So think it but understand we all have more than just a few thoughts in our head at once, and while these may sound huge, they are just a beginning of a transformation of the mind to looking at the other person as a possible part of your life.

I believe instincts are very important to be followed and usually followed right away. I suppose not being afraid and thinking of a relationship as something you jump head into to see if it works because god knows how long we have to just BE, so why not find out if you are someone I want to even kiss in the first place, instead of putting the kiss before hand in order to know you. Then either take the small emotional hit if it doesn’t work out and be friends or not, or perhaps something more will appear.

I cannot say my past relationships have not been a deciding factor in how I react to the next one. But to treat the next person as just that, a different person, someone who isn’t another but them, and to respect what it is THEY are. To know there are similarities with everyone, but everyone is UNIQUE. This is true with everything that “affects” us in life, so like the song that fills your head with sweet sounds giving you that puppy love feeling, unable to hear the words of the actual song, let it help you, let it guide you through that beginning blindness and find the picture you are looking for. And perhaps you will walk into the gallery seeing something that truly is something you would pay a ridiculous amount of money just to have it hanging in your house, or kindly thank the receptionist and walk out of the gallery, not afraid to explore the hidden meaning in all the other art being offered around you.

ADDITION:

I believe working on love as a conscious effort is just as important as “the instant” love, which is truly something I cannot say I know much about. I mean if we can work on bettering ourselves, or even work at a job we love, why can’t we also work on love. Isn’t Love Money Fame and Happiness some of the top things people want? So We work towards all the others, why not love too, it is just as important.

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

So it is really amazing how your day just cannot be planned in the least. Yesterday I planned to do my 9 loads of laundry and watch a movie. So I began my movie and put my laundry in, I walked to go put half of it in the dryer and when I get there I hear screaming and see two little girls run out of the pool area by me. I look out the laundry room window and see a lady screaming over a body laying out at the pool. It is a little girl and I immediately know what has happened. The girl had drowned in the pool. So I knew 7 years ago I was trained in CPR and scaled the pool fence and ran to the girl. I planned to immediately jump in and do CPR when I got there and help the girl, however what they didn’t train you for is what you will see with a real person, especially a 12 year old girl.

The child had vomit all in her mouth and was completely blue and limp. The site itself sent me in a momentary shock. I saw the lady who was there was not doing the chest pumps correctly so I moved her out of the way and began to do the chest pumps. I asked her how long the child had been like that because she looked dead, the lady was screaming and I got no response, I asked again and still no response. I finally asked her if she spoke English and even though I found out later that she did, she was in so much shock she said no and could not speak English.

I could not get myself to do the mouth to mouth because the Childs tongue was out of her mouth and her recent lunch of pasta all around(not mentioning the horrific smell), I thought of a million things within a split second of time that caused me to go into shock, but I managed to grab my cell phone and call 911. All this has been done in about 30 seconds to give you a time frame on how much was happening at once.

When 911 answered after a work around of hitting numbers and retarded bullshit, I gave them the address and an EMT got on the phone to help me help the girl.

At this point about a minute or a little more into this the entire family came running from their house. (oh yeah the girl was swimming with her friends without her mother, the person who was there could not swim to get the child out of the water and the hook to grab people was missing that day even though a week earlier I had seen it, luckily and the hero of this story, the 12 year old’s friend was there and jumped into the deep end and pulled her to the side for the lady to pull her out)

The family was screaming and I was a step back now to talk to the 911 operator in order to hear. I turned back and saw a man related to the family giving the girl mouth to mouth but no one else was helping him in a useful manner, there was lots of screaming and no English. The operator asked me to ask them questions but I couldn’t get answers so he asked me if I knew CPR and I said yes and he asked me to go help them do it correct. I sat by the child pushed the family away from hitting the child’s back and screaming. I looked at the man who did some mouth to mouth and emptied the child’s mouth of food and bile. We coordinated CPR I would pump 30 times on her chest or as many as the family would allow and he would breath three times, each time more and more food water and ick would come up. We would place her on her side and scoop it out of her mouth.  The man on the phone asked me if she was breathing and I continued to say now, we continued this for about 5 minutes before the ambulance was in ear distance. In my head all I could say was please please start breathing before they get here, please time is very important now. The child looked lifeless, helpless and I thought of a million different things at once while this happened. I thought of the mother crying and her child dying in my arms, I thought of my laundry I left in the dryer, I thought of the world continuing to revolve even though life itself had stopped for us in that area, I thought of my friend back home who was a life guard wondering what he would be doing differently, I thought of a million things. I could tell you when a minute had gone by or 12 seconds. I could only see the child and I continued to do the CPR and continued to see nothing, just a lifeless 12 year old girl with so much life ahead of her. I also noticed a tracheotomy scar on her neck and asked if she had had one they said she had drowned once before. (that may have been a miscommunication, but I am not sure that is what I heard).  I prayed they would get there so I would not have to attempt something I really had little recollection about.

The EMT on the phone helped me remember much of my training and we did what we could, although because of my initial shock reaction, jumping the fence wanting to save a life, getting to the girl and almost freezing for a split second and having to overcome in a the form of a 911 call, I still felt I was failing.

Little did I know till after, NO ONE called 911, NO ONE was helping, other than the one man who helped me perform CPR. The parents were understandably in shock and unable to make reasonable decisions. One lady kept turning her on her side and hitting her back which apparently has JUST been added to the CPR course, but this was more of trying to wake up her baby, so I had to stop her a few times. They even tried the Heimlich, when I would have to divert my attention to the 911 guy who wanted me to ask questions but no one was speaking English. I don’t even know now how I was able to push away parents fighting me to get to their child for me to perform the way we did, and me someone no longer certified trying to help someone else’s child, someones blood, it was frightening, what if I wasn’t doing things right, who the hell was I. I was also pulling away the children so they would not have to see. Like I said so much happened in the longest 5 – 7 minutes in my life I could not comprehend that I was helping nor did I know.

About 15 seconds before the ambulance EMT crew got there to help, the girl took a breath, but not the breath like in a movie where they cough a little water and are all better, more of a struggling breath, but a breath non the less. We were unsure if it was reaction to the CPR or not, so we waited a moment with her on her side and she stopped, we did CPR again and she did it again and then again, in 5 – 10 intervals. It was not promising, but it was something, at this point the EMT guy was over us and sticking a tube down her throat. The guy on the phone said, like a cliche movie line, “you can hang up now but you did a good job”.  It made me feel a little better but just for the cliche stance of it.

At this point about 6 police officers spread us all apart and began to talk to everyone to get the quickest stories to help the EMT understand what had happened. It turned out the little girl saw her swim to the deep end and just since, no splash nothing.

The EMT kept asking if she had fallen or hit her head, but she had not. The EMT was trying to get medical history so I asked the mother who spoke little English and was frantic and relayed it to the EMT. I kept pulling the kids back from looking because if I was in shock I didn’t want them to see what I just saw especially the girls sister.

At this point they performed another tracheotomy on the girl and put inflatable lungs in her. As they took her away the police said it didn’t look good and she was in critical stage 3, meaning she would die.

Now that the adrenaline started to come down, I stood off to the side with the lady who ran the complex and asked if I could smoke, she said I could light anything I wanted. I lit a cigarette and the man who had been helping me ran over asking for one. We sat there taking the deepest drags ever. I remember the sound from his cigarette being pulled so hard into his lungs. I also remember that I had my socks on because on the leap over the 8 foot fence I kicked them off to run faster. I took my socks off because they were covered in terrible stuff and I sat with my smoke on the verge of throwing up. Even during I wanted to throw up but I fought. I then began to cry but held back not feeling comfortable with the people there.

I began to walk out of the pool area as they prepared the crime scene. I stood by the laundry room with the man and his wife for what seemed like forever only able to see a few feet ahead of me and nothing to the sides. People kept coming up and asking why they couldn’t go in the pool and one girl walked by and asked if someone had drowned, which I found to be very tacky and then the girls sister said, “Yes my sister” without the slightest inflection in her voice, the child didn’t even know what that meant. I wanted to punch the girl who said it. I wanted to cry for the girl. I called a girl Joanna from work and as I walked to my apartment people tried to talk to me but I couldn’t see them and walked right by and I began to break down. The adrenaline was leaving me and the tunnel vision was taking over. I walked into my house and began to cry when I saw my reflection I leaned on a wall and fell apart. I went out to smoke again and Joanna came, when she hugged me I fell to pieces again. I cried in heavy spurts. Even now today I want to cry more but I don’t feel it until it is right on the edge and quickly over.

Joanna stayed with me for about a half hour as I couldn’t stop talking, talking about every moment, talking about my laundry, talking about random shit, everything and anything in my head had to come out I couldn’t stop talking. It helped it felt good to talk but I couldn’t help but realize I had froze when I first saw this girl even if it was just a split second. This girl I thought I could save now about to die. I questioned everything I did, I didn’t think anything was useful. Joanna left after I calmed and I called my dad and we talked for a good hour. He told me how majority of CPR does not revive people. I was praying, I was talking to god, I am not very religious but I prayed so hard. I was wondering, maybe god needed help and so I was there, but now I needed gods help. When I got off the phone with my dad I called my lifeguard friend Sean back home and asked him what he thought, he said with what I had and no kits or anything I did the best I could, he said even just doing chest pumps can be good enough sometimes. It made me feel better but I still paced and could not see in front of me. I went in every now and again and watch a little of the movie I began and finished my laundry, the rest of the time I smoked through two packs of cigarettes.

I went to the apartment complex employees to see if they heard anything and they shook my hand and called me a hero, but all I felt was upset because this girl may die. They didn’t know any updates. Even as I type this I can still smell the vile smell that was around that area with the girl. No doll no CPR course can prepare you for what you see in reality. I still see semi tunnel vision and am unable to shake the first image or the image of the people over her body. I do remember paying little attention to the people around though so I could concentrate on the girl.

I called my sister and my mom. They all said I did everything I could, I felt after that that maybe I did, but I still was upset at myself, knowing now though that I could do better. What I learned is invaluable and if this ever happened again I could do better. But that didn’t help the now.

The police said I should email them to get an update tomorrow or the next day or whenever, but even then not being family I felt as though I may not know for a few days and that ate at me.

So for 4 – 5 hours from the incident I replayed it a thousand times, but it was helping to keep talking about it. Around 6 I got a called from the Irvine police. They said the girl was alive! I was smiling uncontrollably.  They said little more so I didn’t know if she had brain damage or what condition, but they said they wanted to send someone over to ask me a few more questions. I said ok.

I sat outside and waited for the officer. When he got there, he asked me if I knew why he was there and I told him no, but I figured he wanted to ask me some more questions since the whole situation was very unclear. But he said no. He told me the girl began to breath in the ambulance to the hospital on her own and at the hospital she woke up and was fine, without any brain damage. Then he pulled out a badge(coin) of Recognition and said, when the EMT got there the girl had regained her pulse. What me and that man had done had brought the girl back to life. He said we do not give these out to people often but we felt since you saved a life you deserved this, it is a great honor to give it to you. I was in shock. All I could think was, the girl was alive when the EMT GOT THERE. WHAT WE HAD DONE had ACTUALLY brought her back. I did the right things even though I felt because of my shock I had failed the little girl. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, I asked the officer if he would go to the house of the man who helped and he said he was already going to go there and he gave the girl who swam and brought the girl out of the water a badge too. She was a true hero!

I saw them walking outside and ran up to them to thank them, and the man said,  “I could not have done that without you, you saved the little girl.” I said the opposite right to him. It was amazing how our minds worked we were completely dependant on the other person yet we both thought the opposite on the outcome. I am grateful for the girl who saved her and the man who helped me.

I called my family and told them and they were very happy. I could now actually sit down and feel better. I guess I actually did do the right thing even though looking at it I know I can do better next time. But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I feel stupid telling people I got a badge because I didn’t do this for recognition I did this to save the girl and I still feel that had it gone the other way, what I did may not have been to the full potential that I wanted it to be, but I also understand how this kind of situation can change everything you think and how you react, but I am just glad that when my brain failed on the initial reaction I was able to quickly divert to 911 and then do what I couldn’t in the first 10 seconds with the guidance I was helped with.

I hope these parents realize how lucky they just got and learn to take care of their children. I hope the pool makes sure they don’t loose important life saving devices and perhaps think of adding a CPR kit to the area.

And this is how my Sunday was spent.

Life is tricky sometimes.

I am thankful for everyone who helped me with this. You all helped me more than you know.

The description of the coin states:

History of Challenge Coins

Challenge Coins Surfaces during the World War I Era. The practice of carrying a coin designed specifically for a unit was popular with the Army Special Forces. Carrying the coins at all times and presenting it when challenged to prove affiliation with that unit resulted in a number of consequences for those who could not produce a coin, the most popular required the coinless soldier to buy a round of drinks. That practice continues to be popular today.