Category: Relations/Romance (Page 2 of 3)

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

So what am I saying exactly? Nothing specific, just recounting a moment of thought, probably not as well as I could being as I had it last night and wrote myself a note to remember cause I wanted to sleep. But oh well, I wanted to write about it anyway.

I really am so excited to get her to NYC with me. I want to share a part of me that is extremely revealing of who I am. I want it to be months from now when my brain and my emotions can agree upon a decision to love. NYC isn’t that moment but it shows a passage of time when we finally go, so it makes an example of what it is, not how it will happen. I also want to experience the romance of NYC with someone I love as well. I always found it to be the most romantic cities in the world. (well until I went to Paris and saw their mood lighting on the streets and bridges at night)

I feel a little bit like my big sister right now, because she always seemed to jump into relationships heart first, and I feel like I should be confiding in her for advice on when it is OK to let it just BE that way, but at the same time, me and my sister differ very much in relationships and how we approach them 🙂

As of right now I am excited for moments like this weekend when we plan on getting out of bed, going and doing something fun together. Just planning a day where we are away from our lives but in each other’s is nice.

I finally got to see her in the chair for a fleeting moment last night.

I realized that I wish I had more lighting like my room around the house; it is very much a thing that my sister used to do. Her houses were always warm and inviting. I try to emulate that the best I can, which usually means I wait until she gets here to help me decorate! Haha.

I woke up to her toothbrush next to mine. It was warming.

Anyway, that is all for now.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

I stress this: HYPOTHETICAL Situation:

“Meeting a pretty girl”

One thought (you would think this would be multiple, I’ll get to that later) that is pretty common place for me, would be marriage, if my family would like hers, if she is playing hard to get, if so.. should I ask her to be open to the idea of a more European approach and just tell me what’s on her mind about me… Would she then be put off by that because it forces her to think of a place that wasn’t NOW and is more planned. I have an idea that people are on different timelines of life and sometimes because of that, you miss your opportunity to be that person they are interested in because your day felt longer than theirs. I feel that sometimes it is more safe to put in all your effort into a person even if you are not quite sure without saying anything because you never know what may trigger the “moment”. However I get tired of it. I give a lot of myself for people close and important to me, and like school I didn’t like to give my all unless I was invested. So I think it should be ok to ask for that simple, “Yes I would like to see where this goes” as the collateral for that investment. I don’t invest my LOVE so to say in all of the above. I am very interested in seeing the person for them and what they are and how we are together before I would even think of those thoughts more than a passing metaphor.(see below) But even though they seem like common thoughts, they are given too much water and often sink the boat.

To get to the idea of all those thoughts being one:

The metaphor for this would be simple. It isn’t a novel I’m thinking it is like a gentle breeze or a bee flying by your ear. BUZZZZ, freak out, then poof gone.

However everyone around you, because they didn’t see the bee, is thinking you are nuts and freaking out.

It is hard to explain that such thoughts can fly through the mind so quickly and they are not NEEDS, WANTS, they are just inquisitive ideas. Many guys will not admit they think of things that have to do with the future with girls right off the bat, but with our culture and society the way it is today you would think that would be the first thing on everyone’s mind. Being a simplistic creature with a complex environment. The need for a mate and then the need for all the socially acceptable balances to that, probably get thought of more than we think.

What gets me is when it is talked about, the person who talked first has to wait in anticipation to see if that person takes their questions as ultimatums or just as they are, open air conversation that people seem to be squeamish about. I am not saying I want to plan a romantic night or a spontaneous moment, I am saying it is nice to have that feeling that the other side, is reciprocating on the same level as you with what you are thinking or at least is open to the idea.

So I suppose I just open more questions with this, but I often hope someday someone will accept the urges to talk rather than living too much in the mysterious moment that, quite frankly makes for good moments, but not good lasting memories. I would prefer my stories be those of generations and not of, “oh man you remember when we” coffee conversation.

I wonder perhaps it comes with age. Or perhaps it is a specific trait I look for and should not expect it in all places and hold it high on the MY NEEDS list.

“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy ‘ooh did you fart?’ followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the “fart honeymoon”, where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.”

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I have moved to California. I got in my car today as I went to leave a bit early from work and realized, even though I haven’t really had a moment to de-crunch my brain from the last few months of work I couldn’t think of another place I would want to be.

The difference between this and say college, about 3 years into college I was wondering why I was still there and kinda wanted to drop out, but I have this need to follow through and finish things I start. But the difference is definitely in the idea that this job grows and adapts with me (not how I wanted to word it but can’t figure out a better way to). It is always pushing me and it allows things to not be stagnant. Sometimes I feel a bit of overwhelming-ness from the idea that the technology and things in my job are a lot like in scrubs(which btw for some reason season 1 and 4 have had a lot of shit that related to my life lately) where in medicine you have to always keep up with it to work day to day, always learning something new. It is so important though to remember back to your roots or as I like to say “grass- roots” lol

This last week has consisted a lot of those moments when your stomach moves into your mouth as you open up or say things that may not be the easiest to talk about. It started with the ex girlfriend as I finally had to make the decision to not pursue a relationship anymore and we would have to just go down the path as friends from here on out. It was the first time I was able to talk face to face with her about issues like these and it was gut wrenching. All I wanted to do was to comfort her but I knew all I was doing was making it worse, not per-say with my being there but more of the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind. I believe it was the best decision for both of us and thankfully we are still on good terms. But it is never easy. I do wonder how able I am personally to be friends immediately after something like this. I do wish however in those last moments with someone, that the person I am with, be it a relationship that is working or not, would not say “Then why did you show me this, or say this to me, or open up about…” I just wish there would be an understanding that, yes a relationship or the process of making one, means opening up, bringing someone else into your life. It may hurt if it doesn’t work, but I would rather take that hit then to think I didn’t give it all I had. I don’t know if it is just a moment of weakness or a generic response that has been engrained via our living cultures, making us say these types of things, even if under our breath or nonchalantly as a closing argument, or a jagged thought being thrown at you mid sentence. Then the question of “why” always comes up.

Sometimes the why is not an answer and it is just the hardcoded personalities of the people the involved, and a question that shouldn’t be asked nor answered. If one person is not happy regardless of the love the other one will show the two will never be happy together.

Movies often show the idea that two people need to work on a relationship or there are ups and downs. Of course there are, but it is that dying need to yell out and say something when something isn’t working that keeps those together. If one person doesn’t feel like standing up and yelling out, the likelihood is, the movie is just a commercial.

Two of my friends said two important things to me this week. One was, “If someone respects both themselves and the person in front of them they will probably leave rather than drawing out a heart wrenching moment, as long as that moment isn’t needed to further the development.”
I loved how that sounded but also know as much as that probably would have been a good approach with the above, at the same time this was sort of needed in a way. I can’t justify it completely yet, but relationships and emotions are some wacky things. When I was talking to my dad about a relationship my little sister was in, that I thought was not good for her and even she said it wasn’t. My dad listened to some of my experiences, to just let her experience them without too much interjection on his part. I mean once you break up with a guy or girl for the first time, especially in highschool you are going to get back together but it will never be the same from that point on and the chances of it working are probably much much lower, you will always remember why you broke up with that person but it will become muddled as time goes on, forcing you to get nitpicky and then you get confused and then you need to get out, or you will go insane, not because there isn’t emotion or love, but because it just doesn’t work, our instincts are amazing things when clearly infront of us. And amazingly enough a few weeks later he said: “Perhaps you should take some of your own advice” and click it made sense, had I thought of it already, yes, but I still couldn’t figure out how to make it work. It was just amusing to hear that. Anyway rant over…

The second thing was, “My ex got a book about self personalities etc to figure out why she went back to an old girlfriend that she wasn’t happy with” My response was, sometimes even with a book or help people will not always change or can’t, and then she said, “Yes but if a person wants to change for themselves the odds are much higher”. It just struck a nice chord with me. Self examination is healthy and while we may not be able to find the answers or read the books to get it all worked out, figuring out even just that on your own is important.

(all the above is very paraphrased if I quoted btw)

Time has a tendency to catch up with you. For me it was the fact that over two and a half years ago I moved from NYC/NJ with my family and my constant, almost unlivable panic attacks disappeared with it. Be it the move, the change of company, or just the idea that my brain was too busy with the new challenge put forth to really feel them anymore is up for grabs. But what I do know is that time has caught up to me again. I once again feel the benefits of my .25 mg of Klonopin actually working when I am on a crunch for 2 days straight, especially when my brain is too tired to battle the panic without me. Now this is for you people who don’t understand medication. This stuff doesn’t change who you are or make you weird it just allows you to get from day to day normally like you should. I will tell you I am the first person to tell a doctor to fuck off with medicine but when I started this shit I needed to function day to day and couldn’t without it. Now it is just one of those things that is hard to stop due to the medical addiction it causes. SO back off : )

So I may ask, so what if I have had a few panic attacks again, no biggy it is the stress and lack of sleep. But truthfully I have this feeling it is something more. I feel like things in my past are going to need to be addressed one day and I believe I only got away from it for a little bit when I moved. About this many years into college is when I really started to get panic attacks for the first time in my life, although looking back I have gotten them since I was young just not as pronounced. One may argue the one time I smoked pot with my friend back home, I rewired something chemically in my body that this started to happen, or one could argue that the freedom of college and living on my own allowed me time for me and with that came good and confusion leading to panic. It seems like a very giant coincidence that the same time as in college but now on my own in California that I would start to feel the same thing, but not as strong because now I know how to work with it.

My brain over the last few years has rewired itself so much. I almost didn’t believe it was possible. I used to think that experience and age had nothing to do with each other, but when you hit a certain age and things start to happen physically and mentally to you, you realize it is truer than ever. Age 20 I had a huge one and age 24 was another one and will be for a few more days.

It isn’t that you change terribly or things go down the wrong path, it is just life catching up to you. And facing life is definitely strange. I remember a teacher talking about soul searching with us and told us how some people do it for a lifetime. I think the soul searching he is talking about has a lot to do with these changes. They force you to see things in your life you may otherwise not have been aware of.

Things at work are really good right now. But there were still certain loose ends. That is where butterflies number 2 came from. I have had these moments where everything is good and BAM I get the stomach feeling and regardless of the conversation with the person, I HAVE to say what is on my mind. The second one didn’t go as I had planned and the words in my head got very garbled when they finally came to fruition. I hope it didn’t make anything worse but I don’t think it did. I just wish I could have said things more in line with the way I felt them rather than a stumbled approach. I wish there was some sort of acknowledgement that I helped them with certain things in their life when they were down. At some point that was forgotten and my own abilities and creativity got lost or ignored. I wish I could say that sometimes I am scared of the conversations they have with other people in my life because I feel like I will get bullied for a misconception. Other than that though I think things are heading in a good direction and the future is bright there. It just sucks for me when I have to think of these things and not want to say anything when that is how I deal with shit. Although I do know sitting back is going to be the good thing to do in this case. I think things are getting better but I also think there will be bumps along the way. But my best approach right now is to not offend when they can be easily offended and just let it be. Although knowing me I will not. However I have to figure out when I do object to my own idea here, that I do not sabotage something so important to me.

We talked again, haha told you I wouldn’t wait lol, and I think it was much better this time. We are headed in a good direction it was really cool to talk about a color concept of an idea we are working toward. As well we chatted about all in the above including way past things. It seems that would be butterflies number 4 but this time there were no butterflies. It was just easy to do and went really well. While other things came up that might bothered me a little I think I can blame it on the mind of a kid not being able to hold back and once it realized the food was worse with ketchup it just ate without it.

Back when I was a child there are some things that may still be haunting me and while I don’t dwell on the past, sometimes when it comes up, it is good to climb the stairs to see what is up there, and hey if you don’t make it all the way up, try again when you need to. It scares me that sometimes I can feel like my mother did in this one memory I have of a good ole childhood whoopin’. While yes this is probably not a scar for life I sometimes wonder when I have felt that loss of control to the point of tears and screaming why this is happening and why even though it is wrong it feels exhilarating. So my past is somewhere I have to dive into now, part of the stairway I have to climb again to fully let things move on or be at ease for the time at hand. And that is where butterfly 3 came from. I talked to my mom and she finally admitted to certain times when she did lose control and was sorry for certain mistakes. It was the most amazing thing that almost brought me to tears, but it is so strange how I will be talking about something completely different and moments later I have butterflies like I would get if walking up to a complete stranger and asking them on a date, but unlike the date I have to speak my mind and can’t back out. But it was amazing to finally hear her tell me the truth. I had tried to approach this once before and it was a crash and burn nightmare. Nothing was talked about, lots of crying and screaming, and no one would tell the truth. This was calm and composed and really felt right for the time. And it was definitely an eye opener to think yes there may be some bad shit due to the divorce on that side but man there is two sides and my anger toward my dad in that situation was pretty intense. I remember screaming and trying not to go with him when before the divorce he was my hero. So there is a double edged sword there.

Now something important here is that my family is the world to me and these are just moments in time, since I am posting this publically I think that should be pointed out. Shit could have turned out MUCH WORSE. And shit even this ain’t bad : P

It is just weird that I never really looked at it that way until now, that both sides really hurt me and there was a lot of anger and rage to both.

It was nice to chat with my dad this week as well and he told me of some of the ways he sabotaged some places he worked back in the day, and I definitely need that reminder here and there so I can try to be very aware of that so not to do the same. The whole expression “hitting a wall” used to have a lot of meaning to me cause I would do it a lot or he would at least say I would, so regardless of the truth of the matter or if it is just one of those parental irks, I keep an eye out so not to do it. He also talked about how when I moved out of my mom’s when I was younger to live with him it was like living with his own dad and since his dad had died he never had to learn how to deal with his dad but through me he learned. It was quite interested, a little creepy but interesting non the less.

I told my sister a moment of weakness of mine and that was butterfly 1.5 (earlier on) and she takes the approach that I should probably talk to someone again and life is just catching up with me. I have no problem with this but finding that right person to talk to is tough. I met one therapist once who said to me, your past is your past let’s talk about today and if the past comes up we deal with it then. That was awesome. But then I left for California. So I am trying to contact her again to tell her, the past has come up again. My sister also believes perhaps hypnotism, but there are two things here: I am not sure I can be hypnotized, and secondly I am not sure I am ready for any surge of bad shit although after talking to so many people this week I feel like the bad may not be as big as I thought. Well I guess there is a third thing that scares me about that, I don’t want a doctor to implant some fucked up childhood bs into my head because he/she thinks they know the answer. It is amazing how many therapists I have met that are very bad judges of character.

I think the oddest thing of all is that my life is heading in a direction of change or clean up. I am quitting smoking again on Monday and luckily so is half the department and so that will make it a bit easier but I think the quitting for me isn’t as scary, it is what damage are left behind when I stop that scares me.

At the same time since Paris I have started to gain weight again due to not working out so I have to fix that too because when I quit I will gain weight as well. Although I did notice I am not gaining wight just losing definition. That is a positive to that.

A lot of the time it is better to tackle one thing at a time but I don’t believe my life will allow for one thing at a time. I think right now I need to work on a few things all at once and just take the hit for it. I think it will end up giving light much softer than a train at the end of the tunnel.

So what, am I fucked up? Nah I think I just like things to feel right in my life and while my childhood was probably better than a lot and I have loving parents who support me and a good groups of friends I still need to tackle the areas that are grey. I mean there is a whole chunk of memory gone from my childhood that no one can figure out as to why.

Speaking of good friends, that is another thing I am constantly working on. The ability to really take AND give in a friendship. There are soo many people I love to death but it feels more like an acquaintance. I have always had trouble finding time to give to friends or multiple people. I think a hello here and there isn’t always enough. I know those really close to me understand I drop off the face of the planet for years or months at a time and they will always be true friends but I do want to find that highschool like friendship again (not the empty superficial part) with people around me, someone to really go do stuff with or nothing at all. Although then again highschool vs working and living on your own, allows for much less time. Just another learning experience.

You may ask why write all of this on a public blog? Why not? If there is one thing I learned in Paris it is that I am always just going to speak my mind and infront of anyone I feel comfortable doing it with. And dammit I am pretty damn comfortable with pretty much anyone knowing stuff about me.

I think Shakespeare helps guide this as well for me. Often the truth is not something to be addressed but as the fool you can speak the truth in a jest to feel out how much you can get away with actually saying. I don’t just spout off things to people randomly, thought goes into it. It is really an amazing thing how much the mind can think at once before you put it to words or text. But when it comes to shit like this why not just say it. “Cooperate” often won’t allow you to speak everything but personal allows for it every time.

A strange little quirk I seem to have adapted is when I get weirded out or feel self conscious I tilt my head down into my neck. I think it may have to do with the weight issue and feeling a little self conscious about it, so regardless of the feeling and for what, that manifests itself into the physical display of feeling off. I also kinda feel myself falling back into the averting my eyes from people if I want to look which was less in Paris. I remember when a random guy said good evening to me when we met eyes in passing. Something about his words seemed more sincere than perhaps a “hey what’s up” like we often say to one another in passing here. I will be working on keeping that confidence just to be able to look do those things I would WANT to do in akward situations. I kept a lot of it when I got back and I will do my best not to fall back into the old way of it. I mean what should be so scary about starring back at a person if they are starring at you, or going up to someone if you need to ask them something or wonder where they got an article of clothing, etc. I mean ever caught eyes with a pretty girl and you both look away, now try that situation again and just look at her and then perhaps say hello, and hey here is an idea stop walking and see if she would like to chat : )

Overall things are good. I still need to find a way to release this last few months in preparation for the next project but I think I am working it out and those around me are accommodating of it. But I will probably not be able to get where I would want to be but that is ok, there is time later 😛 (famous last words)

I don’t argue for the sake of arguing I usually just want to flesh out every angle first. I often wish I could plug someone into my brain for a minute to let them know everything I am. The idea of writing a book one day intrigues me, and the more I think about it, the less I think I could dictate it and rather in my own mysterious way I would have to write my riddles one by one and give my approach to the entire thing in order for it to be true to me. Grammatical errors and all. < – – – see what I did there?

I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. It probably has to do with not relaxing so well or having the mindshare to even do so, but then again I have always been pretty bad at relaxing, and I don’t smoke anymore so I have no excuse to randomly kill brain cells to force myself to chill out anymore lol. Anyway, haha, I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.

Cause it is my entry i can make another way i like this to be said:
(I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.)

There are some things in here that are a bit generalized etc but there still are some things I don’t feel comfortable just sharing with the whole world. Good or bad. And the reasons for it are my own. So if it doesn’t make sense there may be a reason.

This blog is difficult to post because it has been written over the course of the week. Almost like a way of de-toxing from the things around me, but there seems to be something new to add every day this week. So perhaps I shall call this blog: The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, up to August 17th. Because I am not going to add anything tomorrow because it is my Birthday and I want to just chillax with my friends and self. So HAA to you blog!

Found the quote from scrubs I paraphrased in here:

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

A line from scrubs titles this blurb of my life. Between episodes I go outside press down on flint, I see the light from the fire hit the paper, the crinkle of burning paper resounds in my head from every movie where there is a closeup of someone smoking a cigarette. I often stare at the sky and think about many things outside in the air. First I take a moment to see how the day is, the weather, the mood, the feeling, how it feels like back home. I used to reflect back to home much more, now I consider this my home, I stand alone in my new home sometimes and just stop. I think wow, I am paying my bills, I am being paid, I am living my life, hmm maybe I should get a dentist appointment, hmm I need a physical. Things that hold true to a person on their own. I am not alone though, I have a loving family and friends. I left a lot back home but I have a lot here. But I digress, so I stand outside tonight and I think… like I think a lot, I have so much of my life in order right now then I go outside and regardless of the war movies where they smoke cigarettes or the cinematic presence it has, I am killing myself. Each drag I take each pack I buy I am asking for those helping hands on my shoulders to let go faster and faster.

I have this overwhelming sense that so much of my life could have been much worse and things could have turned wrong fast, but there was some hand on my shoulder saving me from a very bad path. I know I put effort and work into the stuff I love and the things I have excelled at but there is also this vast feeling that yes there is something that has helped you, saved you many many times and each time you smoke the cigarette you spit in its face. I was told this week that I am better with being able to stand up for myself than others, yet I look at it and think, excuse me I don’t do this as naturally as you think. I bust my hump for what I believe in and maybe if you took a moment to come out of the bubble you surround yourself in you would realize you just need to spread your efforts to all areas of your life and others sometimes. Hmmm talk about add I just saw the words err letters hitting the screen as I typed without looking at the keyboard and thought, that looks really cool lol… anywayyyy.. I know I want to quit, I know I have to but here I am holding onto this crutch. I sometimes think in this new environment in this new place called California and growing older I reached out during my time here and decided I need to hold onto my past. I need a connection to NY, I need a connection to my life before the panic attacks, I need to hold onto my life when I could drink or do drugs. I wanted sometimes still want the ability to do as I wish without caring. There was no mental block of sitting in a chair rocking back and forth freaking out because I smoked some pot or me needing to leave a party because when I drink the room begins to close in around me. I want to be able to just have ONE drink nowadays without having to worry about being depressed the next day because it reacts badly with the lowest does of Klonopin the drug that made it all better when I had panic attacks every second of my life. The drug I hate but know too that it may not be so bad because maybe it still does help. As we speak I cut the dose again because I feel it is starting to have a negative effect because of the lack of actually having the panic attacks without control as much. So without those poisons in my mind the drug fights against nothing causing me to feel weird. I also think it has to do with the cigarettes. So I held onto old relationships, old foods, and thoughts when I got here and I grabbed onto cigarettes hard because it doesn’t have a negative reaction on me as the drinking or drugs do now that used to not. Although the smokes do fuck me up and make me tired and feel like shit by the end of the day it is still not as much as the others making me almost unable to move. And the sad part it is in my head. But after not doing it so long I have adjusted and I love the fact that I don’;t do them, but what about the fact that for the longest time I thought that if I smoked pot here and there it brought me to a normal level of hyper activeness. Although sometimes dumbing down too much. I can make it make sense to myself by remembering the best times I had were in college when I did non of these. I didn’t even smoke. I was in the best shape of my life, yet somehow it is the hardest thing for me to quit smoking because of my weight, and perhaps this old tie. I went back to NY just recently and met with an old friend and realized when she said “We met when he was high” as to why I was not having fun this time and her life and my life were sooo completely different now that I had to excuse myself early, circumstances aside. An old tie to my old life put into the light. I think it also didn’t help when her friend said, how fucked up are you, and she replied with omg sooo fucked up and he said well here take a drag of this I plan to get you retarded fucked up awesome, or something along those lines. It is not the same when you are not DOING the stuff around you and you see it for what it makes people. It was like a room of people needing me to say, yes your new life is amazing and you totally changed and got out of the rut we called highschool, but I sat there disagreeing with the words I spouted out. But then I feel bad for judging their lives cause what makes mine soo much better they chose theirs as did I with mine. So my current problem, I smoke, I want to quit, I don’t want to gain weight, I want to quit, I want to eat, it allows me to eat without consequence, but the consequence may be beyond my control no matter how hard I work on it after it is too late. So is this just the next step to becoming who I am, another obstacle, a hurdle of sorts. Will those invisible saving hands have my back after I inevitably quit? Why is it I hold to this old fixation but the old fixation to work out and better my body is soo hard to do. Is it because of the idea that I didn’t follow the acting path in a matter of speaking and in this giant struggle of my mind where I fight what I lead myself to believe I would do to what I am doing and realizing omg, I think I may have been going after the wrong goal due to preconceived notions of what it meant in my head. Did working out and the constant struggle to look my best and lose the weight for a show in a matter of hours have an effect on me, definitely I cannot even see myself in a mirror I keep a record of photos. I can’t actually believe how much I love where I ended up and how much the old plan seems to have made sense in the fact that I didn’t follow it and I apply it to my life now in different ways. It was like when I directed my first play rather than acting. I was never more happy, comfortable in my life. Comfort scares me, it makes me think I am not growing and am getting too used to life, but who says that isn’t what life is meant to be comfortable instead of struggling for some American dream. But don’t get me wrong this comfort I talk of is not like omg I am sailing(hehe funny I just said that you will see why) aimlessly and without worry or challenge now with what I do and will turn into a cooperate potato. I am happy now with the choice, but obviously I will always have a question in my head as would anyone I suppose. But there is no doubt I ended up in the right place for here and now. It is just about being able to sort out NOW by figuring out how to fit in PAST. I have been working on it and I have come to conclusions of what I do is what I love, but currently I struggle with this damn smoke in my hand. Like my bills, my life, my writing, I decide when it is taken care of, however the world never stops spinning while I work it out. It is an interesting concept. Scary, but exciting. I go sailing tomorrow. That should be cool , never been on a sailboat before.

The sun stares at me, glaring strong.
An enemy perhaps, but just surface. Need more sunblock. . .
The wind rushes past my ears, my hands, the feeling as it curves over my arms, through my hair.
The glisten can be felt with a swipe of the hand.
Running from the hairline to the bottom of the neck, finally reaching the cloth.
This is the new life, this is a connection to the old life.
I just walked down the boardwalk with breeze and smell of water now I, home, my new home, travel it again.
But what I do realize is that this sun, this air, these smells, they will not dissipate with time, they stay year round.
Perhaps it is better than trying to grasp onto old seasons or old memories only to recognize they have changed.
One of the many thoughts that has caused me to race my heart and life down this path.
By path I can only mean it literally, the bisection of Warner Ave.

So what do I do as the music plays and the wheels beneath me spin rapidly, speed never constant.
I think.
I reminisce.
I think about the first day, the first steps off the plane from my get away.
My eyes saw familiar, friends, people I missed.
Then as quickly as I saw them I was off for an adventure.

A child looks at me strange as I roll by, I let my head stay stationary ahead of me but my eyes glare deeply at him through my sunglasses. Never seen a rollerblader asshole?

Back in mind, mind in hand. . .
An adventure it was.
What should I make of it?
At first it was just the beginning of an awkward first encounter.
No one quite sure if the other will approve of the other, yet both not seeming to care.
As the woods become creepy the moments become less sleepy.
Full of energy, full of life.

For the longest time I have said I would write in riddle in my poetry and stories, but I think this part of this needs to be clear. I went out that day with the intention of getting to know someone I knew was in no way open to any such courting due to circumstances in her life. I went to have fun, I went to see what there is out there in this world, in California. She being from NY made the California more acceptable. I thought obviously that I was physically attracted to this girl, but I also knew if anything ever were to happen I would need to make sure she were someone I could stand, someone who could stand me, that we could deal with each other’s flaws and each others made up flaws of ourselves. It was actually funny, I fell in love(and by that meaning I mean it in the least forever basis known) with the physical attributes that were not the normal this time. I actually enjoyed looking at the small scar under her chin, I was aware of the over abundance of makeup, I smelled it, it reminded me of previous times. I saw flaws but for some reason in my head this day, flaws mattered very little. Perhaps it was the fact that her lips drew me in, and for me a kiss can make a relationship.

So now that we have had our 10 minute size up, the night began. After the chicken adventure and looking at the funny pictures, we ended up just talking. And I was not the only one talking I listened for a couple hours as she poured much of her soul to me. I chimed in here and there and held in much to just absorb. Some ideas I disagreed some I agreed. Some were timely to object some were for another night. But the entire time I sat there, my mind regardless of flaws, imperfections, differences, similarities(which by the way are a strange conundrum, I feel as though if someone were too much like me it would ruin a relationship but for once I got the opposite feeling, especially because the similarities were so different they were strong), I was completely calm, the idea of a panic attack or perhaps having to use the bathroom and awkwardly stepping away never came to mind.

There was one sentence that hung out in the air for me to be able to trace it over and over, “I don’t know when I will be able to be with a guy again I need to be strong myself, but maybe a week or two I’ll be ok but that can all change.”
This did not hang because I yearned for it, but I wondered, with the massive amount of comfort, sharing, and connection we had at this level, imagine if there was a relationship to back it up. I know and I still know that if I push or if I spell it out too much, I will probably chase away something that could be really important in two lives, but just imagine. . . imagine the idea that both people know they care for each other, they are completely honest, they are committed to one another. With that out of the way when she told me things that meant soo much to her I could put an arm around her she could talk into my chest and I could run my hand through her hair. I felt that even looking up from my elbows on my knees into her eyes we were closer than physically shown.

Do I feel that perhaps after getting to know one another better we could go places, sure I do, but do I think there are problems caused by saying such things at this point, damn straight. I think that the fact that I showed that I had such a great night and how I really was into her I scared her away. I think she now has a pre conceived notion of what I want out of this.

In all honesty I would just want her as a friend right now, but do I think perhaps one day we may end up as a couple, I think it is highly possible. I never will admit the ability to see certain things and never want to, but for once I am going to say I have seen much further in the one night spent than I wanted to or ever have with anyone else before. And it felt good even though I felt many of the humps we would have to get over.

Does it make me strange to think so much in advance? Yeah maybe, but do I need to make this plan and hold to it? Absolutely not, this is just what has run through my mind. Everyone has an inner monologue, mine just created a beautiful story for once and hell if I wasn’t going to share. I called my best friend at work and just expressed the great time I had, and she said “She challenged you, and talked back?” and I said, “yes” simple. . ..

Perhaps my love of the European way of romance is my downfall. My want and need to get the truth on the table immediately. Maybe the fact that I come up with ideas even in a split second scares people, because they do not know that even if I came up with it, doesn’t mean it is my PLAN and it is NOT set in stone. Maybe I am too open? I like games, I like to yearn, but I also like to have that feeling that there is something to yearn for.

I made a pact a long time ago to stray away from cookie cutter molds and tests for girls to fit, I play it by ear, and I usually just look to have a fun night if anything at all.

So what can I say?
I don’t know, I am not in her head.
Am I not attractive to her? Possibly.
Regardless of the possibilities what is the thing that holds it back.
There are so many things feasible, for instance the recent breakup.
Is it strange that I think into the future that once the healing is done maybe I have a chance?
Maybe we have a chance. . .
I don’t know why but I just got this very intense experience from one night, and now I feel like if I don’t let it out the nights or days will be contrived with judgments and ideas untrue. I just want day to day, I just want to love life and have fun with my new friend. But I also want to be able to open about passing moments.

Am I stupid for posting this up?

Well if she does read it, I hope she see’s that this is all speculation and a moment in the sun rollerblading down the PCH in an environment unclear to me, feeling withdrawal from smoke signals, a glance at something possible. I would also hope she would ask questions and talk to me about it : )

Not something to strive for ever time we meet, nor a goal to strive for at the end of the day. Just something that is in my eye as the sun glimmers by. . .

The smell of the beach is becoming clearer.
I begin to pick up my pace.
I hit a street crossing button, so strange, usually I just cross like in NYC.
I hate waiting for the damn cars, I hate waiting, indeed… I don’t think i crosses the street early yet, although I am on the furtherest edge of the corner.
The moment is gone for now.
The clarity is strange.
I had a fun time on the boardwalk and now I will go shower.

-End.