Category: Personal (Page 2 of 2)

Since I have gotten back from my trip from Paris I have not been able to get a hold of my brain.

From the first night I got back till now I have been in mood swings, semi depressed, random panic attacks, physically tired, and fighting sickness here and there.

Do I know why?

Nope…

Does it suck?

Yep…

But what is strange is when i was driving to work the other day, the signs I show as depressed or self explosive, those signs would probably send up red flags for someone else listening in but when it happens to me, there is a little trigger in my head somewhere that won;t allow me to self destruct as I used to anymore and usually I can pull out of it when the going gets tough and get what i need done done.

It just sucks because I wish I could figure out how to get out of it without having to make things difficult on teh way there.

I do wish there was someone I could talk to that had less pressure than me but understood my pressure while also being able to just be there.

bah I am ranting and almost writing a sob story here or a cry for help but in reality I am writing to figure it out myself. I guess facebook is not the best place but whatever lol.

I need to fix my car windows, I need to sell my car then, then I need to finish a big project at work, I have to work out, I have to go to the doctor for a physical, I have to get a checkup with another doctor, I have to Eat healthy, I have to be active, I have to

don’t wanna write this anymore.

UPDATE:

I think I know a big issue, in Paris I had time to do things I needed to or wanted to do then I came back after so many thoughts, eye openers, and life things that manifested ideas thoughts conclusions answers questions right to crunch and had little to no time for me or my shit I need to get fixed. So even though I may need to wait I am going to start tackling one thing at a time to get things in order.

And I called my daddo, kinda forgot about family help for a second 😛 Thankful that is there for me.

I wonder if it is an American or just a human thing that around 24 and up we realize we are not invincible and the effects of age regardless of amount big or small start to show themselves more.

There are things lately that scare the living shit out of me. While if I were to be dying I think I have come to the conclusion that it is probably not that scary to die since we don’t know exactly what will happen and it is just going to happen eventually, once we are dead, it is just that.

But there are things I hope I can find in life. Love being up there obviously lol. More of a person to share my life with and I need to find someone special to really let in deeper than I have before.

I do get a little freaked out about things in my life I need to fix like smoking, cancer seems like a shitty way to end life early.

Getting in shape in Paris reminded me of how much I enjoy being active and doing stuff, however I swear the next time someone wants to do something fun other than drinking I may crap myself in amazement.

Sometimes when you work a 5 day a week job, you wonder even if it is awesome, how you do things that you used to, like free time for example, time for your brain to let go, or just sitting on your ass for a month lol.

I suppose it all begins to figure itself out, just been thinking a lot lately so there are some random thoughts.

Taken from my blog: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/
Saturday, July 5, 2008

I will desperately miss the idea that I can walk to the corner store like back in NY or sit in my window sill in my tiny apartment but with a warming homey feeling, watching the cities that never sleep, other than the metro here which closes ridiculously early lol.

While I may not party all the time or even drink for that matter (associative drunk works for me) I love to be in a place that is alive.

It is nice to see everyone who drives a manual here because I refuse to drive everything else. It is almost as if here it seems and a lot so in NYC as well that people are on equal ground pushing for the things they love.

I have gotten to a place I love with my job but now i struggle with the idea that the place I am I feel like I have to argue over my beliefs in the littlest thing such as a comedian from the east coast or for someone to use a turn signal or walk a block.

I miss being able to walk the streets that are lit for a city alive with color and life. I remember the wind blowing in my face from the side of a bridge or the stones lit as i walked home briskly noticing only my steps. I can feel my legs getting accustomed to walking long distances again and walking flights of steps with that joy of knowing my place was on the 4th floor walk up.

It is these little things that make me miss NYC and what I will miss in Paris.

I love to walk the street until I find the food that fits my hunger, no driving 100 miles but finding a small portion of chinese food or japanese or subway or anything really just being all in one area and often being very centric to the area and the people living within the miles of radius. Gormet this and that means nothing to me, I’ll show you a hole in the wall that will deliver authentic italian that will make you never eat anything else again.

I miss picking my outfit for the weather and having a style that changed as i grew in the city I lived.

I remember when I didn’t have to wear sneakers to walk 10 miles, but perhaps a nice pair of kenneth koles.

There is a lot I miss and I hope one day I can find them and embrace them in the place I am now.

I often think once I find someone who is and can be called that significant other it will increase the place I live, but finding them will always be a challenge.

To walk to the Eiffel tower or the Brooklyn bridge and kiss in the street with people walking by thinking nothing of it, but with the eyes of the world upon you is not the same in say a beach front in California where it all closes at 12 and the people are easily put into a category of drunk or wanting to get laid. While I do know that is here and there as well I also know there are people going about their daily lives to get home or to catch a bus or train, and that mixture that full feeling of culture is what I miss.

I will visit NYC again to walk the streets and feel my favorite season of fall again, and hopefully I can find either in Orange county or LA or Hollywood a place and some people which I can feel will push me not in my work life but my emotional life and the life I breath day to day. My breath is very consuming and I hope to inhale the world around me as much as possible.

It would be strange to say it feels like sometimes you have the upper hand in an east coast west coast scenario, but in all reality one on the west coast would probably think the same. It is just strange to see a sliver of that idea that perhaps I am not being challenged by my environment enough. My work pushes me daily and it keeps me very strong in my head, and when I was doing my movies and my life on my own on the east coast I believe the environment pushed me the same. Now it is my turn to find the same in both back in California.

I have ended many things in my life because I didn’t feel a challenge or just that need for growth or just plain old chit chat or stimulation. Perhaps I will be on the outside looking in for a bit longer with my life until i find that place where I can take this puzzle and start placing the center pieces of my life rather than just working with the corners.

Time will tell.

Goodnight.

(it was brought up to me and so I will write, I remember when I first moved out here it seemed my job and my life were supposed to be such a mystery for circumstances no need in explaining, that I hindered some of my ability to truly find what I need right away, but as my head decompresses as it has with this trip, but over 2 and half years now in California, I am reminded and recognize where I need to be looking in order to see again, me, you, the world, a sense of happy. I want to bring back some things that I closed off, some of my personality that was lost, and I think and my grace it will be, these trips always tend to rekindle and remind me. So I move forward again and so we will see.)

Taken from: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/

I always told everyone how the culture in Europe was were I left my own and based mine on. This trip has just solidified this idea. I remember telling people I would fit in here, and the things that people may make fun of me for or say are gay or whatever the trendy word is these days all fell into place and worked out like I thought. Sometimes people have an idea of WHAT a place is or HOW it works, but never take the time to spend getting to know what that is, I could visit a million landmarks but I really enjoy talking with the people and from there I have learned much and had done so before I had left, for many years. Sometimes people say things because they are afriad of being humbled by “not knowing” or highschool ideals, but they were just words and I prepared for my trip here and I could not have fallen into place more. While with all things unless you are there you don’t know as much but once here for a little I can tie in the other parts of my life experiences to find the similarities and help form the web of European culture.

While I am not the sappy one who would say my LOVE will be found in Paris, I will say I cannot see a european girl the same as an american or more so a californian one.

It isnt that I am not greatful for the chance to work in California and meet so many wonderful people but the friendships I have made in the past few days are already as strong as those that back home may have taken much longer to form.

For whenever that day comes where I meet someone to spend the rest of my life with, Im am pretty sure I will find it in someone who has an open mind for more life than that of sunny california and really see’s past the basics of MTV and a world covered in ADS.

I wrote something ahwile ago:

As time goes on, the apple rots.(title pending)

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite. No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom. Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet. So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat. Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

A lot of people don’t know I spent much of my childhood in Switzerland Zurich. While at the time I was young and afraid of anything new, I was forced to go out for my own and to really gain some independence. I remember I saw my first pornographic movie in Zurich lol, just flippin through the channels. I didn’t even know what i was watching. I also remember the posters on the walls with naked girls and guys. I remember it being ok. I remember walking in the Love Parade when it was pretty new. It was amazingly freeing.

And I gain all of that again being here now. The idea that things like human body, connections with other people, sharing, having conversations more than just surface level, being able to get past that akward part of a “get to know you” state which happens too much because of all the reservations towards the things above. You take those things out of the picture and you are forced to talk about things that have more meaning.

But more than all of that you give yourself to another person and in turn they give you themselves. If it works you either gain a great friend or a girlfriend, if it doesn’t work you move on and you just know that while it may hurt a bit it is the process to find that thing which you do search for eventually, LOVE.

Tonight I walked around the streets and just enjoyed the city life again that reminded me of my NYC life. While I can say very little in French I can move through the people as if I belonged and not ina need to belong but a sense of normality. And the best part is I doubt I would be conidered normal, more hyper and annoying 😛

Coming from the East coast to a West coast life has been hard for many reasons. One main reason is my life and story was left on the east coast for this new life in the gaming world. One would never think I enjoyed theatre or directed off broadway or even joined a gang at 14. Who would consider me a punk skater type… It is hard to share these things because it sounds like bragging or like me trying to justify. But in reality it is my life and I love to share it. I will give anyone who would like a layer of my life that may seem scary to some because in a wave of madness I can give you many years of my life, but there is so much more I want YOU to pull out of me.

Whenever I visit different places especially Europe this time, I enjoy the different ways of life. And while others may look forward to going home I kind of wish my home were more like this. I struggle with the “california” way of life often. I mean I do have friends and love them dearly but it is hard to get past the fake blonds and bro’s.

Anyway I am ranting and this is supposed to be a blog about my trip lol.

I hope I havn’t lost you too much or made you think my life is so sad or anything like that. I just speak my mind in moments there is a larger picture here and if you are ever interested just ask.

I promise eventually I will post more pictures, I visited Normandy and stepped on the beach my Grandfather stepped on, which was quite moving for me. I called my Grandma from it and was with very supportive friends. I saw the place where joan of arc was burned. I went to Mont St Michele. I visited the Eifle tower today and climbed to the top, but it is hard to upload all these things on wireless so soon enough! 🙂

We have had great adventures.

Ok random though, I absolutely love going down the street and hearing all the cars playing trance music. I love the smell of cities they all smell the same aside from the piss and cars.

And that is all for now.

Sometimes it is hard when family comes to visit because being raised on the east coast and having those ties with my family, it often gives me serious nostalgia about the east coast.

I am not going to finish this thought because I lost the moment by not writing sooner but at least I have this line to remember, I will move on.

At times life has a way of just making you reflect and in many of those times I have turned to music. Music is such a driving force in my life. Many people will tell you they love music, all kinds, etc etc, but for me it is something that a simple lyric cannot express. I will often find myself humming or singing a song, at my best times I have sat at my piano back east and played for hours, just hitting notes trying to make a feeling, or a season.

I feel I was raised with music always in my life, from my Mother playing me different things or just being a part of many musical outlets. I can calm my nerves by just standing outside making up repetative lyrics to non existant songs. Life has a tendancy to make you start to think it over here and there and when those times come, I turn to sounds. My brain has a way of diving so deep into past decisions current needs and decisisons that it can become overwhelming, but music will always break my emotion and fill me with something non existant that cannot be taken.

I think one day I will write about my life, but first I must find someone that understands me and my stories that they can help in an autobiographical sense.

A small blurb for the day.

Everything is going to be OK.

Sometimes I think I am stronger than the world.

Like perhaps I can beat the odds, like I can be the odd statistic.

How dare you assume I would be the first to go, I have experience I have passion heart drive… many other adjectives of strength!

Regardless of being sensitive to every food group ever invented, and burning like a crisp in the sun, I often contemplate the idea that if push came to shove I would beat the world, I could get over the ways of my body.

Panic attacks, inability to smoke pot or drink. No problem! Who needed it!

Then I neglect my body and I neglect what is core to surviving because to survive these days has become a thing of leisure.

But of course, I am stronger than the world.

I could go to war and in that situation I could overcome, I could push to limits I didn’t know I had.

I would lose my 25 comfort pounds and overcome my colds and quirks…

Then the world catches up to me, stronger than it has before on this day
today.

The world pissed off at me for being naive, me pissed off at me for being so damn lazy.

A virtual world sometimes takes precedence over my own health. A virtual canvas I have spewed my life onto for the last couple of years. The world that pushes my levels so high I should pop but I am in my comfortable chair and have my over fattening foods. Comforts that allow me to just be, to survive at stupid levels in my head.

Why does it take the world punching me so hard in the gut to come to an agreement to come to conclusions or realizations or all of the above.

I see some things more clear, but will I see them 10 minutes from now?

I see a need to bring my stress down, I see a need to start being active again and preserving the thing I love, life.

Shitty that I have to do it out of breath from the sucker punch I was just given.

I can survive on life itself sometimes and not the things I input into within/created.

I may use the idea of a world bearing down on itself for self destruction as a way to wait till the puncturing wound is in my face and I am forced to overcome, but today I think is a day to remember that overcoming is not always the answer, sometimes taking the time to prepare and think ahead trounces such a weak thought.

I prayed.

Did I believe?

Does it affect the outcome?

Do I live through your outcome for the next few days?

Maybe my dreams just keep me from taking time to relax, maybe my mind just needs a moment of darkness.

Today I take heed.

Today I held onto those who give me strength because mine was missing once the search for an answer was no longer in the hand of mine.

Everything is going to be OK!

In a whirlwind of time, my days have become mixed and indiscernible. I sleep light, dreaming deep. I work hard, hardly working(mostly juggling different pieces of work, placing a piece here and there but not feeling accomplished regardless of the truth in it), and I withdraw from addictions closer than perceived. But even with this strange vortex of time itself, I have been surrounded by quite the motions forward in my life. The scale numbers remain the same, they do not frighten me. The roof over my head is ready to change but we wait to sign the papers. A new associate I have met, we play off each other well looking to find a common roof. But this is not what I came here to write about. I came here to write about a sensation, a feeling, a new place with a familiar feel.

I have often written about the thoughtless highschool nights where you could kiss for an eternity and that would suffice, or a time of innocence helping to make a simpler life. This weekend told it to be true. I experienced my old life again. Not exactly as you may assume for a prior experience but with enough hints of it that it seemed comforting.

She is 5’6 black hair green sparkling eyes and fits perfect in my arms. My car ride began with a new CD I burned, Journey blasting loud. A bumpy ride indeed it was there, my knuckles white on the road as I raced to find her place. Valleys rose, skylines dropped as I fell into a valley, a wonder on the eyes. Somewhere you could live in peace almost every day, if it weren’t for the American dreams and the feeling of need to be in clumps of smog and cluster fucks of people trains and cars, I would head out that way. But the beauty of the surroundings were only an accent to the she who walked to greet me.
She took me in her arms and we stood for quite a few separate moments just enjoying each other’s touch. I met her sisters, mother, and live stock. Ok well 2 cats 4 dogs well maybe 3 dogs and a rat like creature but it was cute non the less.

As I sat in her house, I felt very much at home. This place reminded me of my home back on the east coast, the smells of food reminded me of that of mine, and the people around me reminded me of people I had seen, known..

I can’t help but relate the moment to Keeping Up with the Kardashians, although far from this family, the overall feel was quite similar with all the sibling sisters, the feeling of shared personal life throughout the house, and just a general relaxed feel about life. It was not so over the top as the show, but the idea that I was being allowed to take part in this made me excited. (I didn’t feel like the estranged b/f sitting there with nothing better to do, I still worried about work the next day lol)

So the “normalality” of a first date ensued as we found ourselves face to face many many times awkwardly wanting to kiss but waiting for the faultless moment to perfect it. We ate a dinner in candle light, we drove to music, her hand on mine as I shifted through the night. We found ourselves watching a movie and the moment came, a button hit, movie paused, and the flood gates were released. One kiss turned into a thousand.

We finished the movie with many interruptions from our lips. Anxious for it to end as well to just continue staring into each other’s eyes.

It was nice, I could feel the way she felt. I was in her mind for the briefest of moments here and there but those moments opened up so much more. She allowed me to snuggle into her body and I relived a childhood tv show I fell in love with, where the boy snuggled into his g/f on a boat, and for some reason it brings me much ease.

So the clock was around 11 when the mother stepped in and told us to go to the couch downstairs. At first it was akward but overall it was an amazing crutch at 24 and 21. It brought me back to the days of being in higschool but it had an extra layer of nervousness on it. At this age you want to make a good impression so I was now feeling excited, scared, nervous, and curious. She still pulled me close and kissed me, and I still kissed her back, but a crick in the floor made me wince or pull away from the moment of being lost in a kiss. We kissed for about 4 hours straight, Will Smith and the Fresh Prince lighting up the night.

I felt sometimes I may have felt fake or distant but it was just me trying to balance kissing in front of the mom and keeping it polite and respectful. I have no problem with PDA but I felt like sometimes it just wouldn’t work at that time. I felt bad if I pulled away or turned my head to watch crappy movies, but I think she knows why.

BUT I must stress, the 4 or 5 hours of straight kissing were quite the best. Sometimes we would get carried away but her broken arm acted as a chaperone for our hormones. It was rather poetic 😛
I am still getting to know the family of hers, and while this may have been the first date I would not have had it any other way. I love to meet families because of the Italian blood coursing through me. I love to taste the food of those who claim they can cook, and I love to enjoy it when they say I will.
I always find it interesting when a family is calmer than mine but is much like mine. My family has always been very New York, but I tell you I have always been interested in the opposite approach to my kind of family and this is much like what I think it would be.

So next time I will drag her to my corner of the world. As much as the barrier of a house between us as we slept read overly true to what I wrote, her arms around me as I sleep would have been just as good.
The first date should always go like this, it kept me on my toes, a little bit of stress but nothing that wasn’t too much. If anything I was afraid to overstay my welcome being a new face in a very established household.

We have a lot to look forward to for date 2 and 3. So let it be let it be.
I do want to mention the movie moment we had on the way out the door. I went to drive off and as I turned on my car as she pushed her head in to kiss me goodbye, my Lionel Richie “hello” came on and I swear it was just priceless the laughter that ensued and even in his strange glow we kissed anyway.
As I write this I am extremely calm and composed but I also feel I am losing the grasp of the piece here so I end it now. I will talk more about it with people close to me, I feel my words may make more sense out of my mouth than on paper now.

And so I leave a date and stamp: Sunday, January 13, 2008

Life is often a rush to the finish.

It seems strange that with no finish in sight or no knowledge of that finish we still strive to get there.

I feel some points in my life have been rushed. I moved out first year of college and never looked back. I moved directly into an apartment rather than experiencing dorm life.

I then moved back home for half a year before I jumped into my current job. That part always strikes me strange, as much as moving back home was like a way to catch up on those summers I missed with my mom and dad, spent in my NYC apartment, it was more of a simple knowledge that I still liked my freedom and probably wouldn’t want to have done it differently.

But when I went into my job it made less sense. When you graduate college it seems you are immediately expected to look for jobs and jump into life. But sometimes I wonder if we are ready to jump into life. Because of the knowledge that a job is mandatory and it is accepted as an accomplishment if you are “working” after college be it a job of love or a job for money, it is easier to get lost in the race to achieve rather than to stand back and instigate.

I find myself in moments of clarity here and there, this being an extreme one. I could compare it to vicodin as my senses are acute yet blunt objects, the sharpness taken away so not to cut but to still allow force to be taken. An experience this weekend allowed my brain to release something or another that has let me have a little bit of time just to sit in my chair and hear the sounds around me, put my leg up on an arm of the chair and just sit, picturing where I am.

I strive to have more moments like this. To live my life calm. To feel a control over my next move, not from power but from comfort. I strive to push myself every day, but I strive to find a way to do so in which I am breathing and feeling. I think I am in the right direction, and hopefully this blog entry will keep it in my head when I forget.

Oh yeah did I mention day 10?

I swear I am bi polar lately. I am either so happy I get sick to the stomach from hyper activeness or I am so upset I can’t even feel. I want to stand in a field and not do anything. I don’t know if it is because I am stressed, or possibly because I am fighting a pretty fun cold going around the office. What I do know is that this time as it is this exact time last year I had a girlfriend. One I cared a whole lot about. I invested a lot of my heart into it and unfortunately all that did was end up breaking her heart. I didn’t want to chance the girl of my life by holding back who I was, and I would never take it back, but now going through another year without those moments is strange. I am only 24 but I often feel like life is passing by very quickly. I am also scared, I have made smoking a huge part of my life and due to stresses at work when I try to quit it is hard to function and a day without my brain at work is like me calling in sick. My job pushes me every day and makes me not become stagnant and I want to push harder and harder but it is harder when you feel sick, have a strange bipolar thing going on, and the cigarettes are starting to affect your life and you just want to quit again. I do have a plan. I either plan to quit a week or two before my break I am taking for Christmas so the bad weeks I have time to myself or I plan to start a workout tin the new office and mid way try to quit and replace it with the workout. I just miss it when I go outside and see the stars or breath the air. I don’t take enough time for myself when I don’t smoke. Especially right after I quit it is almost like closing yourself off to the world.

So why am I opening up to the world? I dunno I just wish I knew the answers here. My dad seems to think I just need to take time for myself and go do something like get away or take a trip to NY, but I swear as much as I miss NY I want to make this my home and going home is a strange thing now. It is awesome but at the same time it is no longer where I live and I am investing my life, so I get anxious to come back. And lets just say my family is not the most relaxing of get aways lol, love them dearly though : )
I went through my photos I have taken over the years of myself, because to be honest I can’t see myself without a picture and even then I have my own vision, but I went through and grabbed one from each album and made a timeline to sort of document my life and how I am now. It has helped me see myself in different lights, it also helps to show people so they can see where I have been and what I am now. I sometimes worry about my current weight although I am doing MUCH better than around this time last year. The desk job rocked me hard when I first got here.
So what does this all mean? It means I have issues like everyone else, and I guess it helps me to share it to myself and then hopefully whoever reads it can see where I am as well. It is important to me that I hold onto who I am, and lately it has been strange feeling out of control of my own body with this strange sick/depressed feeling. A solution to come I hope : ) or at least a way to work at it. I dealt with the huge change in my life when I started to get panic attacks and it left me scared and crying for a year, I can deal with my new issues in California with a job I love and finding new people to love and love me back.
The fires scared me. I wore shoes rather than sandals for the entire time in case I had to help or help myself. These strange disasters follow me around. First it was 911 and then here. I can’t wait till I get my new camera. I am looking forward to capturing the world the way I see it. I think perhaps that will be a good way to do other things than work and sleep.

Trust me this isn’t a cry for help or a bitch session. I am happy I just need to convince my head it’s true.

I sit here, listening intently to the song: I wonder, by Kellie Pickler. I heard this this weekend with my mother in the car. When i first heard it I got chills exactly when she did. I also felt the intense emotion this song gave off. Now I listen to it in my room at 2 am. I have tears in my eyes. In a way it reminds me of my life. Moving away from everything I had to pursue this amazing dream, a strange dream that was dream’t after I was here. My head hurts really bad lately and not a headache but from it being fulled and unable to release. I am fighting with my weight, I have lost so much lately and it feels great but it still is a way to go, from 205 to 185. I am afraid to quit smoking even though each drag on the cigarette makes me sick to my stomach because I can’t dream of putting the weight back on, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to put effort into a workout. Then I think… if I quit will I lose inspiration, will i lose a bit of myself. The things that help are thinking about how far I got without the smokes. ANd then how when I quit once before at work I was able to feel better and do more work than ever before. Now I get sick by the end of the day and need to go home, but due to the addiction it is hard to not have a few more before bed. My sleep is broken, my heart is full of things that don’t exist. I hear people telling me things like “You never cared” when all I did WAS care. I apologize to everyone for thinking about so much more than just myself. I apologize because often it looks like it is just me I am thinking of. If people knew half the shit, I think the world around me would collapse. I think that may be over exaggerated but at the same time it would be a fuck ton of bricks falling. Maybe my brain is just full. Maybe it is my fault, probably. But at the same time work stuff couldn’t be better other than the normal constipations. I fight soo hard to rise above that issue but it just bites my ass so much. I hear so much sometimes and sometimes you hear to much and it hurts to know there is so much being said behind the words. But I will always be that person. I like to be that person, just right now it is a little more difficult. I re-opened areas of my life due to recent events and it seems to be good but at the same time I feel that when I closed them i got so much done, perhaps it was meant that way, but perhaps it wasn’t. I think back to a time of me and my closest friends running a website called popelimited.com and I read my inspirations, and my stories, and watch my animations… and I wonder, where is that person, where is that outlet. I think it is here it is just a little harder to archive in a cooperate muddle. I am sure half this makes no sense to anyone but me but I think that is best. For me to hold onto the words and whispers and wind. I hit play once again on the song… I sit… I pause… I raise my ears. Music keeps me sain. I think I will post things on my personal blogs that people can see me for parts they may never have imagined. Maybe I will even write about now today these moments. Perhaps I will just be lazy. Tomorrow I make another attempt to quit smoking, i think… I just want to be me again. In this different life… I want to hold onto me. And I will, just need time. Why am I getting panic attacks(that scare the shit outta me) again. Is it the sun… is it the people… is it the situations… is it the fact that people close to me are lost in things that close off others… is it visitors… is it just me? I don’t know… I do know however I watch, I see, and I am not stupid… I just wait to see. Sucks when it bites back at me. People look up to you you know… if you chase the fox into the trap, those thoughts while the same may cause those who hold them to be sad. But then again words from both ends, whose do you believe?

You remind me of me… You remind me of my defense.. You know how to redirect the pain and the shit… you also remind me of me sitting in the shadow waiting thinking it wil work when you know damn straight it won’t… you and me are very similar, however I see something in this you do not because I am staring at me. You are being dumb, but how can I just say that? You are accepting things in hopes it will fix different things even though you are against what you accept. You hang out with people who make you sick just for a moment next to a person not even seeing the twinkle in your eyes. Stop getting stepped on, where is the person I first met who hated me. Sure some things are good changes, but shit where is that center core valued you we love to see. This is yours, own it well. Use us too, we will make you stronger. That is all there needs to be.

we may all have issues that we do not know the answer to or cannot solve or get over but it doesnt meanwe cannot help others

btw to those who know and I may not respond or give the attention needed, Thank you 🙂

So it is really amazing how your day just cannot be planned in the least. Yesterday I planned to do my 9 loads of laundry and watch a movie. So I began my movie and put my laundry in, I walked to go put half of it in the dryer and when I get there I hear screaming and see two little girls run out of the pool area by me. I look out the laundry room window and see a lady screaming over a body laying out at the pool. It is a little girl and I immediately know what has happened. The girl had drowned in the pool. So I knew 7 years ago I was trained in CPR and scaled the pool fence and ran to the girl. I planned to immediately jump in and do CPR when I got there and help the girl, however what they didn’t train you for is what you will see with a real person, especially a 12 year old girl.

The child had vomit all in her mouth and was completely blue and limp. The site itself sent me in a momentary shock. I saw the lady who was there was not doing the chest pumps correctly so I moved her out of the way and began to do the chest pumps. I asked her how long the child had been like that because she looked dead, the lady was screaming and I got no response, I asked again and still no response. I finally asked her if she spoke English and even though I found out later that she did, she was in so much shock she said no and could not speak English.

I could not get myself to do the mouth to mouth because the Childs tongue was out of her mouth and her recent lunch of pasta all around(not mentioning the horrific smell), I thought of a million things within a split second of time that caused me to go into shock, but I managed to grab my cell phone and call 911. All this has been done in about 30 seconds to give you a time frame on how much was happening at once.

When 911 answered after a work around of hitting numbers and retarded bullshit, I gave them the address and an EMT got on the phone to help me help the girl.

At this point about a minute or a little more into this the entire family came running from their house. (oh yeah the girl was swimming with her friends without her mother, the person who was there could not swim to get the child out of the water and the hook to grab people was missing that day even though a week earlier I had seen it, luckily and the hero of this story, the 12 year old’s friend was there and jumped into the deep end and pulled her to the side for the lady to pull her out)

The family was screaming and I was a step back now to talk to the 911 operator in order to hear. I turned back and saw a man related to the family giving the girl mouth to mouth but no one else was helping him in a useful manner, there was lots of screaming and no English. The operator asked me to ask them questions but I couldn’t get answers so he asked me if I knew CPR and I said yes and he asked me to go help them do it correct. I sat by the child pushed the family away from hitting the child’s back and screaming. I looked at the man who did some mouth to mouth and emptied the child’s mouth of food and bile. We coordinated CPR I would pump 30 times on her chest or as many as the family would allow and he would breath three times, each time more and more food water and ick would come up. We would place her on her side and scoop it out of her mouth.  The man on the phone asked me if she was breathing and I continued to say now, we continued this for about 5 minutes before the ambulance was in ear distance. In my head all I could say was please please start breathing before they get here, please time is very important now. The child looked lifeless, helpless and I thought of a million different things at once while this happened. I thought of the mother crying and her child dying in my arms, I thought of my laundry I left in the dryer, I thought of the world continuing to revolve even though life itself had stopped for us in that area, I thought of my friend back home who was a life guard wondering what he would be doing differently, I thought of a million things. I could tell you when a minute had gone by or 12 seconds. I could only see the child and I continued to do the CPR and continued to see nothing, just a lifeless 12 year old girl with so much life ahead of her. I also noticed a tracheotomy scar on her neck and asked if she had had one they said she had drowned once before. (that may have been a miscommunication, but I am not sure that is what I heard).  I prayed they would get there so I would not have to attempt something I really had little recollection about.

The EMT on the phone helped me remember much of my training and we did what we could, although because of my initial shock reaction, jumping the fence wanting to save a life, getting to the girl and almost freezing for a split second and having to overcome in a the form of a 911 call, I still felt I was failing.

Little did I know till after, NO ONE called 911, NO ONE was helping, other than the one man who helped me perform CPR. The parents were understandably in shock and unable to make reasonable decisions. One lady kept turning her on her side and hitting her back which apparently has JUST been added to the CPR course, but this was more of trying to wake up her baby, so I had to stop her a few times. They even tried the Heimlich, when I would have to divert my attention to the 911 guy who wanted me to ask questions but no one was speaking English. I don’t even know now how I was able to push away parents fighting me to get to their child for me to perform the way we did, and me someone no longer certified trying to help someone else’s child, someones blood, it was frightening, what if I wasn’t doing things right, who the hell was I. I was also pulling away the children so they would not have to see. Like I said so much happened in the longest 5 – 7 minutes in my life I could not comprehend that I was helping nor did I know.

About 15 seconds before the ambulance EMT crew got there to help, the girl took a breath, but not the breath like in a movie where they cough a little water and are all better, more of a struggling breath, but a breath non the less. We were unsure if it was reaction to the CPR or not, so we waited a moment with her on her side and she stopped, we did CPR again and she did it again and then again, in 5 – 10 intervals. It was not promising, but it was something, at this point the EMT guy was over us and sticking a tube down her throat. The guy on the phone said, like a cliche movie line, “you can hang up now but you did a good job”.  It made me feel a little better but just for the cliche stance of it.

At this point about 6 police officers spread us all apart and began to talk to everyone to get the quickest stories to help the EMT understand what had happened. It turned out the little girl saw her swim to the deep end and just since, no splash nothing.

The EMT kept asking if she had fallen or hit her head, but she had not. The EMT was trying to get medical history so I asked the mother who spoke little English and was frantic and relayed it to the EMT. I kept pulling the kids back from looking because if I was in shock I didn’t want them to see what I just saw especially the girls sister.

At this point they performed another tracheotomy on the girl and put inflatable lungs in her. As they took her away the police said it didn’t look good and she was in critical stage 3, meaning she would die.

Now that the adrenaline started to come down, I stood off to the side with the lady who ran the complex and asked if I could smoke, she said I could light anything I wanted. I lit a cigarette and the man who had been helping me ran over asking for one. We sat there taking the deepest drags ever. I remember the sound from his cigarette being pulled so hard into his lungs. I also remember that I had my socks on because on the leap over the 8 foot fence I kicked them off to run faster. I took my socks off because they were covered in terrible stuff and I sat with my smoke on the verge of throwing up. Even during I wanted to throw up but I fought. I then began to cry but held back not feeling comfortable with the people there.

I began to walk out of the pool area as they prepared the crime scene. I stood by the laundry room with the man and his wife for what seemed like forever only able to see a few feet ahead of me and nothing to the sides. People kept coming up and asking why they couldn’t go in the pool and one girl walked by and asked if someone had drowned, which I found to be very tacky and then the girls sister said, “Yes my sister” without the slightest inflection in her voice, the child didn’t even know what that meant. I wanted to punch the girl who said it. I wanted to cry for the girl. I called a girl Joanna from work and as I walked to my apartment people tried to talk to me but I couldn’t see them and walked right by and I began to break down. The adrenaline was leaving me and the tunnel vision was taking over. I walked into my house and began to cry when I saw my reflection I leaned on a wall and fell apart. I went out to smoke again and Joanna came, when she hugged me I fell to pieces again. I cried in heavy spurts. Even now today I want to cry more but I don’t feel it until it is right on the edge and quickly over.

Joanna stayed with me for about a half hour as I couldn’t stop talking, talking about every moment, talking about my laundry, talking about random shit, everything and anything in my head had to come out I couldn’t stop talking. It helped it felt good to talk but I couldn’t help but realize I had froze when I first saw this girl even if it was just a split second. This girl I thought I could save now about to die. I questioned everything I did, I didn’t think anything was useful. Joanna left after I calmed and I called my dad and we talked for a good hour. He told me how majority of CPR does not revive people. I was praying, I was talking to god, I am not very religious but I prayed so hard. I was wondering, maybe god needed help and so I was there, but now I needed gods help. When I got off the phone with my dad I called my lifeguard friend Sean back home and asked him what he thought, he said with what I had and no kits or anything I did the best I could, he said even just doing chest pumps can be good enough sometimes. It made me feel better but I still paced and could not see in front of me. I went in every now and again and watch a little of the movie I began and finished my laundry, the rest of the time I smoked through two packs of cigarettes.

I went to the apartment complex employees to see if they heard anything and they shook my hand and called me a hero, but all I felt was upset because this girl may die. They didn’t know any updates. Even as I type this I can still smell the vile smell that was around that area with the girl. No doll no CPR course can prepare you for what you see in reality. I still see semi tunnel vision and am unable to shake the first image or the image of the people over her body. I do remember paying little attention to the people around though so I could concentrate on the girl.

I called my sister and my mom. They all said I did everything I could, I felt after that that maybe I did, but I still was upset at myself, knowing now though that I could do better. What I learned is invaluable and if this ever happened again I could do better. But that didn’t help the now.

The police said I should email them to get an update tomorrow or the next day or whenever, but even then not being family I felt as though I may not know for a few days and that ate at me.

So for 4 – 5 hours from the incident I replayed it a thousand times, but it was helping to keep talking about it. Around 6 I got a called from the Irvine police. They said the girl was alive! I was smiling uncontrollably.  They said little more so I didn’t know if she had brain damage or what condition, but they said they wanted to send someone over to ask me a few more questions. I said ok.

I sat outside and waited for the officer. When he got there, he asked me if I knew why he was there and I told him no, but I figured he wanted to ask me some more questions since the whole situation was very unclear. But he said no. He told me the girl began to breath in the ambulance to the hospital on her own and at the hospital she woke up and was fine, without any brain damage. Then he pulled out a badge(coin) of Recognition and said, when the EMT got there the girl had regained her pulse. What me and that man had done had brought the girl back to life. He said we do not give these out to people often but we felt since you saved a life you deserved this, it is a great honor to give it to you. I was in shock. All I could think was, the girl was alive when the EMT GOT THERE. WHAT WE HAD DONE had ACTUALLY brought her back. I did the right things even though I felt because of my shock I had failed the little girl. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, I asked the officer if he would go to the house of the man who helped and he said he was already going to go there and he gave the girl who swam and brought the girl out of the water a badge too. She was a true hero!

I saw them walking outside and ran up to them to thank them, and the man said,  “I could not have done that without you, you saved the little girl.” I said the opposite right to him. It was amazing how our minds worked we were completely dependant on the other person yet we both thought the opposite on the outcome. I am grateful for the girl who saved her and the man who helped me.

I called my family and told them and they were very happy. I could now actually sit down and feel better. I guess I actually did do the right thing even though looking at it I know I can do better next time. But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I feel stupid telling people I got a badge because I didn’t do this for recognition I did this to save the girl and I still feel that had it gone the other way, what I did may not have been to the full potential that I wanted it to be, but I also understand how this kind of situation can change everything you think and how you react, but I am just glad that when my brain failed on the initial reaction I was able to quickly divert to 911 and then do what I couldn’t in the first 10 seconds with the guidance I was helped with.

I hope these parents realize how lucky they just got and learn to take care of their children. I hope the pool makes sure they don’t loose important life saving devices and perhaps think of adding a CPR kit to the area.

And this is how my Sunday was spent.

Life is tricky sometimes.

I am thankful for everyone who helped me with this. You all helped me more than you know.

The description of the coin states:

History of Challenge Coins

Challenge Coins Surfaces during the World War I Era. The practice of carrying a coin designed specifically for a unit was popular with the Army Special Forces. Carrying the coins at all times and presenting it when challenged to prove affiliation with that unit resulted in a number of consequences for those who could not produce a coin, the most popular required the coinless soldier to buy a round of drinks. That practice continues to be popular today.

I don’t think I will ever know when I will be ready to truly watch or see the memories branded into my eyes… I don’t think i could ever share the tears I cannot stop… I will always remember. And it will always hurt. To think disaster brought the world together.. yet today even the world trying to remember will never know… not unless you felt the ashes, smelled the smoke… heard the crunching metal… I don’t want to speak about it anymore… I just want for me a memory in stone… and so here it is.. My memory a small snippet, for all to see, and here it shall lay, forever untouched. It does not need to be the day of or after or before… it is now it is forever. I wish I could heal the world, for my pain compared to others…. nothing…. The World In Love.

It’s strange. Maybe it is because I am more aware of it, maybe it is because things are panning out the way I saw them. Maybe it is truth. But religion is becoming more of my life, be my belief or not, it is becoming a part of it through contact, experiences, and people. Continue reading