So since I took the plunge into geekage totally I was an actor and well lets just say you do everything and anything to keep your figure pristine. Well, I kinda fell victim to comfort of not having to stand infront of an audience naked and well enjoy the finer foods more often such as Oreos, tostidos, redvines, etc etc. For a little bit I even fell victim to my previous past of smoking to try to keep the weight in check which worked well. However I traded a cancer stick for weight.. and well it didn’t weigh out lol. So I went shopping this weekend and finally got some clothes to replace my skin tight jeans from my dancer days lol. Albeit it was a hard plunge to finally come to grips with but overall I feel better in clothes more fitting and well eventually one day I will find a tennis partner and hopefully get some of the sit on my ass all day in front of a computer weight to fall off. And thus is how my week began with new clothes! Has a girly moment lol.
Category: Journal Entries (Page 5 of 6)
still strong on the flower… an empty ground waiting for it to fall to lay with.. to hold.
When I tickle you you say HEYYYYYYYYY STOPPPP ITTTTTTT…. And when I smile with a devious smile and go.. “ok” all sarcasm attached you run to the corner of the room holding pillow in hand ready to swing! Your eyes jitter around the room… I sit there watching.. Waiting to pounce… still I sit in this empty chair, looking at that wall, wishing you were there. (THIS IS NOT EMO, read it in a CUTE tone)
ooooo i tickled you.. You laughed… then you snorted… then you punched me.. then i rolled over onto you and we kissed. it was cute, wish you were there.
Today I read a post by a dear friend of mine, Athalus, the founder and previously a host of WCradio.com.
“I have cancelled my account, I have a new job working in the MMO industry at another respectable company, and I will be attending classes at a major California university very soon.” – Athalus
I have written many times in my bio and on many different formations of this site and in credits of old movies, of a name, “WCradio”, or in more direct and appropriate term, “Athalus”. Athalus was this stranger who through an instant messanger moved to a Skype conversation, turned a project I did for personal enjoyment with a few friends into a kick in the ass toward my career today. One could never express the appreciation one has for a person who kick started another’s career. No links to a website or lines of text in a bio could really explain it. Well I think I will try my best now for those who never looked deeper than a movie or browsed a credit line.
When I made I surrender Athalus a few days later messaged me and said, “Dude, when is number 2 coming out?” And I was like, errrr number 2? And he was like, “Well where is your website at least”. And i was like well I have a stupid website where me and my friends shoot the shit… Athalus in a dramatization of the event, “(sigh)Come with me my child! (BAM POOF SPARKS FLY FROM HIS HANDS)” I was presented with a domain host, a spot on a radio station to promote my current movie and he said, “Figure out what you are calling the website I am buying for you…”
For those of you who have ever had someone grab your hand and help you through something new it is really quite the experience. So much went on behind the scenes I could never express it properly or give credit where credit was due. But I can point out an area which has always been grey even in my mind: with every helping hand there comes a time when you must let go of the milk your mother can provide(shut up Darwin fans) and begin to find every possible way to provide. There was a point, even though Athalus was the one who kicked my ass through a door, when I needed to figure out how to build a second floor, and I think this is where in a public eye it can get muddled.
When I took the step from one movie during beta to 2 or 3 movies every 2 or 3 months I began having to balance soo much more. Athalus and his radio were expanding and he had to deal with that. We always talked about combining one day and perhaps forming a movie radio community but the push was for our separate fields of work to progress on their own, and so we began to do less and less building of our profiles together. I never helped him build his radio station and he never dictated to me a script for a movie. We were merely there to support each other in our efforts and to see the other person prosper.
We got to go to Blizzcon and meet up. We all took time from our schedules to plug each other, he gave me a moment on his radio station and I put him in the movie(with a picture of my grandma of course) and all was happy, between him and I. We never felt an obligation or even thought we stepped on each others toes if someone got more exposure than the other. And this is why I am writing this.
I am writing this because we were there for each other since day one. Although he may have kicked me in the ass first, I want him to know I never lost sight of who he was and what he did for me. I think we will continue to have our sporatic meetings and chats as always but I want everyone to know… Don’t ever let go of those people who help you. You never know, without being able to look back, what you may not have had if certain people were not there to say “Hey I am Athalus”.
Athalus’s post can be found here: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=86916308&sid=1
The days when a tree was a tree.
Your mom was a hero.
Your dad was your friend.
The truth was as much as you knew.
I think they exist now, it just takes a little more to see them… I think I have found my sunshine again, not in a person or a place, just in myself.
Not an emo post. DAMN STRAIGHT! 🙂
There was a girl
her name was myrtle
she had a friend…
an invisible turtle
she said he got her the black lace girdle
but no one knows
except for myrtle
They ran around.
Rolled on the ground…
their friendship bound
Myrtle
and her
turtle.
Thank you thank you.. bows!
That means tomorrow is friday?
I like that. 😛
Lots to do at work, lots to do at home, lots to do always…
Doing the right stuff?
We will see.
I’m in Tristan world apparently
with the bastion of vocal harmonies at night wishing me goodnight
The air and the heat and the time of year are starting to bring back sensory memory. Good and bad.
It smelled like ocean tonight on the car ride home and it was warm enough for the windows to be open without even giving me a chill.. mmmm
So i got hit with a KILLER sickness. Apparently I am not the only one. While it allowed me to hit level 70 and re meet all the guild members in wow again holy fuck it was a killer. I mean I was out for the count a few days i hardly remember.
The kinda shitty but good part was me and my g/f had trouble talking while I was really under the weather. She has some stuff in her life and thankfully this has opened up many windows to let the sun in for “WHY’s” in our relationship. Basically she really did care for me but at the same time she lacked the ability to express that feeling to me without making me anxious or not comfort me. While that is harsh after we talked more when i got better it was apparent why and I guess this is one of those humps to work through. I guess no one really knows what to say to you when you are sick like your Mom.. I just wish we could get to that point where we BOTH know each other that way. I’m not sure what that takes but I will learn one day.
I did feel terrible about not being able to be there for her when I was sick cause she was also having a shitty time as well. And I dunno why but I am being kinda stubborn about asking to help now that I am better, one we got into a fight, two she is semi better, three I have no good reason… I want to figure out if she is ok with certain people in the hospital. We DID talk about some but I wonder if she remembers as it was before our fight and may have been diluted thus.
Anywhoo…
So I am playing pretty steady again. I must say I am really enjoying it. I kinda enjoy just vegging out with the game and talking with friends etc. Even farming is fun currently.
Right now I am just trying to get a hold of my rogue and specs I enjoy.
I considered re-rolling but I decided not to and found happiness in shadowstep spec for the time being.
Also my guild is in need of a big group hug so we are in the process of getting everyone back to being fun lol.
My g/f and I had a rough time for a little bit there. (NOT BECAUSE OF WOW YOU HATERS lol) Things are still weird but I think it is the distance most of all. And we are talking through a lot of it. It is hard as hell to balance long distance. She is really special and just doesn’t realize how I feel sometimes I think. I want to do so many things and have so little time. I think right now it seems like I want to play wow more than i want to spend time with her when in reality I just wish she were here by my side playing with me(she like sgames and would do that but like I said distance). I just miss the COMFORT of a relationship. Currently it is like a special event every time she comes and one it isn’t comforting two it is expensive lol. When you get to a place in a relationship like we have the distance begins to hurt. The days before and after she visits I usually disappear because in the beginning I want time to go faster and I have some sort of inner way of doing that alone, and then when she leaves I want to unwind from the excitement. Meh the 16th she is coming down so until then. I love to just curl up against her back in bed and put my arms around her waist.
She has wow and an account and plans to play but her computer sucks lol bah. Anyway she probably wouldn’t like me till she leveled up since I am kinda hard core with how I play even if in a fun way.
Oh yeah.. welcome to my blog lol
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
We are walls, we’re watching you give in…
We are walls, we protect you from what’s outside…
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
If you cry, we can hear…
It’s your tears that won’t appear…
If you yell we will hold,
If you fall we won’t know…
We are walls.
Hold your fists way up high,
scream and shout jump and cry…
Lets us know you gave in,
Let it out we’ll hold it in.
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
We are walls, we’re watching you give in…
We are walls, we protect you from what’s outside…
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
You fall to your knees…
You lift your head to me…
Your eyes emotions bleed,
The blood dripping with need.
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
We are walls, we’re watching you give in…
We are walls, we protect you from what’s outside…
We are walls, we’re watching you with out eyes…
Reads like a song, sections in with poetry.. not sure yet.. prolly not done either.
This is like comparing SEX WITH A PEN CAP OR SEX WITH A TUNNEL…
So microsoft aka the fucktards… they decided that in their version of Internet Explorer they would make it so my .png images would not properly display. THEY WOULD PUT A FUCKING RETARDED BACKGROUND COLOR INSTEAD OF READING THE TRANSPARENCY.
ALL IN ALL, they fucked up my web page. The page works nice and looks perty in Firefox.
Internet Explorer 7 while it has the capability to actually see the PNG files it also takes my png files and ADDS transparency.. SOOO ANYWAY THEY FUCKED UP AGAIN.
Ok so in short.. I may or may not fix this issue because Microsoft can kiss my arse. However, now that I have installed IE7 I can’t even check to see if I fixed it.
Yes yes folks it uninstalled the older versions. So anyway, rant is over at this time.. Just know we are aware for all those people still under the hammer and sickle of Microsoft and their internet browser, your experience here will not be orgasmic but a shoddy plethora of nothingness.
Until you join the online sensation and install Firefox, enjoy the lovely image distortion, viruses and popups from microsoft forcing you to reinstall MICROSOFTS WINDOWS.. GOD THAT IS JUST SOO FUN. AND WOW IMAGINE THAT MICROSOFT GAVE YOU CRABS AND NOW MICROSOFT IS SELLING STD TREATMENT.
I recommend reading this in a strange romanian accent or it will not make sense. Have a nice day.. Freedom to the motherland, and fuck you Microsoft.
P.S. I could fix this and make the page less awesome by going subpar with their standards or I could let the 3 % of firefox users enjoy the magic fields of grain and sunflowers… Or i could even wait for everyone to upgrade to IE7 and then I can give them a half trampled rose with the way it works… i will decide at a later date…
So as I reminisce to those moments in high school that I hated. Ya know anytime in high school. lol Ok so I have been thinking of those simple nights in which I sat there with a girl in my arms. We would kiss, we would talk about very little, hardly scratch the surface of each other’s lives, as there was little surface to scratch back then. Yet we would be content. Regardless of the drama caused by all the world around us, we managed to live it up and enjoy each moment, even enjoy a small amount of cat and mouse. Continue reading
It’s strange. Maybe it is because I am more aware of it, maybe it is because things are panning out the way I saw them. Maybe it is truth. But religion is becoming more of my life, be my belief or not, it is becoming a part of it through contact, experiences, and people. Continue reading
Starring straight up…
A moon so bright shines down on me.
Squinting as it glares through my glass spectacles.
A brisk air is gently passing over my uncovered body as I walk…
A straight line…
Above me hang natures green silhouettes of life.
Perhaps they will push down and touch me.
Perhaps not.
A few more hours until a new step is taken.
Although as I walk I take many.
If anything, as straight as I am walking this is not the same path I saw in the daylight.
The ground is colder,
The walls are lighter,
The trees darker,
The leaves creating a labyrinth like entrance…
Barely able to make out anything other than the gently lit house, mustang in the driveway.
A new sound in my ears.
Ahh music…
Without it, I would be lost.
So, while walking this metaphorical path down a street still new to me…
I think, and realize…
Continue reading
I enjoyed this article alot. Wanted to share it. I am a big music buff from claissical to R&B I just love to envelop myself in music. So this article touched on that a bit. Hope you can enjoy!
Today I felt it the most.
Today my stomach hurt.
Today I missed the comforts of a bath.
Continue reading
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There are days where I am alone. There are times when I sit and just stare. Today is one of those days. I feel lost at times. To write things down does help. Some of my toughest times were written down, in a book, that I later put a nail through… now that book belongs to my sister and I hope it helps, but that is not what I am here to write about, but this is my blurb so deal. |
Now that the competition is over with, time to dust off the ole site and get you guys some updates!!!
While we were all in the tornado of the competition I released some new photos, added some web cam members, wrote some poetry, got nominated for a llama award, Switchers appeared in Computer Gaming World Magazine, and even released a movie to Converse.
So stuff has been happening so it seems, but the dust on this website was hiding it. : P
So in not particular order(clickable links):
- New Movies: Converse Commercial In World Of Warcraft ; Switcher 2 – Atkins
- Computer Gaming World Magazine: “Switcher Series Revealed”
- Llama Award Nomination: “Deity – Switcher”
- New Poetry: “Teknol O G” ; “Triggers – A Memory…” ; “LFG – Looking for Girl”
- Rants: “As time goes on, the apple rots.”
- Articles on Machinima: World of Warcraft – “A Communitie’s Craft”
- New Photography: Deviant Art
- New Webcam Members: Case-a-dilla ; Lauren ; Webcam section
- Under Development Section Updated!
Ok that should tide ya over for the time being. Cool stuff on the horizon, check “Under Development” for it.
Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. But the societal norm is pushing you to be multi tasking yourself more and more. This numbers game, especially when you find someone who peaks your interest, is likely hurting our own ability to slow down and smell the roses. But we have ourselves convinces if we don’t take on 5-10 people at once, the clock will continue to tick, eventually with me alone. But could it be, the lack time we give each person, that will eventually leave us to find out, one day, due to not stopping and letting another person into our lives in a meaningful way, we are just alone.
That fear of missing out is the driving force that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite. No time to taste, no time to inspect for worms, no time to hear the satisfying noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center. We even crunch through the seeds, crushing what could give birth to another person in our life. The sprint for another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.
Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled. Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom. Now as you watch it grow you can decide and think I am in the mood for an orange now, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, you realize there is no need to change your taste, you love the taste of apples everyday. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?
So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet. So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and able to see the ledge ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat. The food, didn’t hurt you, it just refined your palette. Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.
If you are ever interested LFG to sit under trees and stare at the sky,
LFG to sit in the sun and only feel each others warmth,
LFG to kiss past their lips and to their mind,
LFG to spend time;
Through server crashes and unknown disconnects,
Able to do it again and again,
Each time a different rollback.
So if you’re interested.. PST me.
Although we may have had a noggenfogger potion used when jumping from the top of Ironforge,
We both landed at an unfamiliar flight point.
But able to use our now cooled down hearthstones to return.
And with that in mind I can say with confidence LFG.
So before I let you go off to another group,
And get saved to their raid timer,
I figured I would let you know LFG,
One spot left,
Healers preferred (LOL)
Nah, its cool, you can be a rogue too, but hey this isn’t that kind of blurb.
Just make sure you are ok with a wipe or two and have enough gold for repairs.
I know my armor is a little broken from time and I see yours is worn as well.
The cool part is this instance won’t reset in a week,
We can take our time clearing the trash mobs till we feel comfortable to take on the elites.
The latest triggers,
The simple clicks,
Sometimes it takes a harder pull than the other…
A past which is blurred,
Seems to me,
To be
Just to be
If I had the answer, would I use it?
If I had the reason, would I care?
If I had the time, would it matter?
So the newest series of riddles begin,
But this time sparking a new memory.
A memory, which was pushed from my mind, faster than it entered,
But
The latest triggers,
The simple clicks,
And BANG it hits.
Cold tile walls,
Sliding rug under my formal wear
Rustling outside from the scare
But what pissed me off was it wasn’t to care.
If I had a sword I would have been swinging it wildly,
Instead my arms, well arm,
Protected me from the people,
Almost like trying to fight off raindrops in without an umbrella.
Funny a reference to rain as I splashed the water.
Funny a reference to arms as I held her closer.
3 minutes up, 30 seconds out.
Breathing, aware.
Throwing up, passed out.
I was graduating, why did I need this under my belt.
I stayed away from such things,
Protected myself.
But now it was obvious who would care.
Now it was obvious from their blank stares,
Not a clue in the world,
Not an idea in their minds,
Probably just the fact of intoxication,
Well, sounds trite, but blinds.
But wait it wasn’t as I say, not right away,
First it was a lesson in how to raise a child,
Holding their vomit, carrying their pride.
So it seemed, while they slept that it would soon be over,
Even while sober, made it enough to feel under the weather.
Smells, triggers, click.
So I was the mentor, I was the adult.
But inside I was the child, the one who wanted to bolt,
Run from my skin and hide in another,
Run from my mind and feel nothing other.
But it was, He knows how panic attacks work
He knows what he they can do
Tristan the savior, in your eyes?
Or to who?
Tristan was saving, but lost inside.
Tristan was saving, but never craved his bed so much more.
So, 5 minutes release as we thought it was over,
Then I hear, Tristan get over here,
I came running over.
I felt her skin,
My hand under her nose,
There was no air, no breath, my heart froze.
I trusted who was holding her tight,
Throwing that water to wake her up,
Right?
I ran outside, called the 3 numbers.
I said here,
They said hold.
I called her family,
I called her friends.
I all of a sudden had a million people depend.
Not on the world, or the things we do,
But on the next actions,
On what I, me, myself would pursue.
A responsibility, I never knew.
But it was me who was now back where I started,
The tiles were cold,
This lifeless heart beats departed.
“Wake the fuck upâ€, I screamed in tears,
“Wake the fuck up, don’t leave me here.â€
You would picture a movie or so you would think,
But it was worse, I felt as though screaming drew unwanted attention to me.
Her life in my arms
A life at all
A voice of reason said, don’t hold so much, give her air, let her go..
I let up a bit, but kept the water flowing, I yelled and continued,
God damn it, it was the never ending beginning.
If you take the bone from the dog,
He will be upset.
If you take the pray from a lion they will bite.
If you took the life in my arms,
I would have killed.
Sirens sounded,
Children scattered,
Safe?
Sound?
6 am, call.
Mom, I am going to be late to the funeral,
My friend is in the hospital.
Mom, You better be here
I stayed till every last second.
Changed the sheets,
Kept her safe.
Sitting in a hospital,
The place I fear,
Waiting with no control,
Just the ability to see her safe, eyes tired yet crystal clear.
Taxi ride home,
Shower quick
5 minutes to spare
5 hours later, let Mom and my Stepfather down.
Walked the bus route,
Looked like death,
The impression was,
I was the dying breath.
But it hurt me,
Scared me,
Took part of my soul,
I took it,
Closed it,
Let it go
By go, I must mean deeper and deeper into my eyes,
Clouding to dark, so not to surprise the people around me, but me instead,
After all, the clouds are in my head.
So today, I felt it,
Knew it well.
Today I remembered the night from hell.
I was angry,
Still angry,
Why did you do it?
Did you care,
Would you care?
Will you remember, or lose it.
We are close,
But so far,
I can’t be your father.
I can’t be everyone’s father!
A statement from anger,
A statement from my past.
I want the best,
I gave my all,
Fight or flight,
I chose not to fall.
I picked up my fists and swung without remorse,
But I was hitting myself,
And thus today:
Screaming inside.
Too much.
So hoarse.
I wonder if this is how I did it when younger,
I wonder if these triggers are deep down under.
I hope I can hold the gun and aim it right, because,
Just like today,
I may pull that lever,
In a darkened, black, blinded night.
And if I shoot and hit a wall,
Will I be emoting myself or is it as simple as,
If a tree falls in a forest,
Does it make a sound if no one is there to see it fall?
Throughout this message I took a moment,
Throughout this poem, I gathered a thought.
All in all, it is past and today is now.
But sometimes and forever,
Yesterday, I will see.
A step,
Good intentioned,
And for me.
In life you are given words…
With words you are able to give meaning…
With meaning you discover life…
A pencil can capture an emotion…
A keyboard can make it clear…
But not through emotion, just through legibility…
So you ask,
In this life,
In this world,
Do we express an emotion?
Or should it all be clear?
