The evening started alone. Sitting at the table wanting to look busier than I was but being comfortable doing nothing all while being uncomfortable thinking I was perceived doing nothing by those around me. Holding my phone up to cast the cold, glow on my face, to let the world know I was not waiting alone, then being annoyed enough by the glow to put it down and just sit in silence, something I don’t often get a chance to do. Sure I will sit and not speak, but at a table, outside of work, outside of my comfort zone, surrounded by the voices of others. It felt like a droning silence and it was nice. The ladies next to me talking about their difficult day and me selfishly not having to worry about their burdens.
I flipped through the restaurants menu for a little to be sure I would make a good choice. The prices made my jaw drop. I can’t afford this, I can afford this, fuck why did I pick this place, knowing damn well I really wanted to eat here. Healthy organic goodness. A perfect meal for the night. But I am a starving artist, this will make a dent. Fuck it, too late now.
I went back to silence amongst the murmuring voices. Texting her to take her time, saying I had gotten a table, no rush. Words I would want to hear in the same situation. Easier to comfort others than yourself of course.
As I sat there in my thoughts, I was unable to figure out what we would talk about, 2 weeks had gone by since we last met, we could talk of work I suppose, but how long would that last. I had forgotten what we had talked about prior. Did my attempt at a goodnight kiss make this weird? I didn’t have to wait for that answer, that night got to a place where I could actually just speak my mind and ask if it was weird. Turns out it was all OK. No need to analyze. My explanation of my need to hear others thoughts giving her an insight to my intense observation to that around me. Understood.
When she arrived, we did talk about work for a bit, showing her a preview of my recent photos and actually explaining the reasoning was a ton of fun. No one else had seen it yet. She loved the photos I take with the dancers after each shoot, this ritual I do with those I shoot, where we pick the hardest pose off google and I attempt it with them, they being professional dancers and me having remedial skills from college. I made my joke saying someone would probably want those for a gallery versus the ones I put so much work into… but she saw I actually was honestly thinking of including it somehow and had some great suggestions. But she also understood those photos would not exist without the wonderful rapport I built with the dancers throughout the shoot.
These moments in my week where I get to go out and turn my phone on silent are captivating, yes I am talking about dating. To get away from the glow of a screen, the reminders of an email, the chime of a text. To just use my phone as a random fact check or to remember an example. When turning my phone face down makes me feel proud versus scared I will miss something important. In this case the important thing is right in front of me. It gives my mind a rest. Recently I was told, perhaps I wasn’t actually enjoying the moment and being myself but putting on an act of sorts (you can hear more of this in Convincing Explanations). Turns out when I am just me, it is amazing to be disconnected from the world. How much further can we get from nothing where even a cloud isn’t ethereal enough.
I don’t know if it was the lack of being rushed at the restaurant. The food. The lighting. The company. Or the stories I was telling but I had a sense of complete calm that night. In a flurry of both snow, which flurried outside the window and complete thoughts. I talked as myself, calmly, put together, zen. My passion for what I do came out. My voice calmed. I was in my head speaking my heart no fears in the world. Just enjoying the company of the person across from me.
Explaining my tattoo’s meaning without saying a word. Through my stories that night and my life it brought it to fruition, no need for a “story”. It gave it its true meaning. It brought the ink alive and made it meaningful. “The Fool” made more sense than anything I have ever written or said about it. Sometimes when I write something down I have trouble re-hashing it as a story, because I feel like I wrote it better than I could tell it. But my stories that night old or new had a new sense of excitement to them. Of course I started to become nervous and overwhelmed that I was telling a story irreplicable if this date failed and had to be retold to another, but it bringing me happiness in that moment, it made so much more sense and I brushed it off as a casualty of happiness. I can’t even write how I explained it, I would have to tell you every story in the exact same order. A once in a moment moment. 🙂
Sharing these deep moments and being given the chance to recall memories from the past few years that truly brought a smile to my face: directing, my dad, my life. It brought me comfort. It made me legitimately smile.
Being able to explain my life and not be judged on it but accepted for it or just listened to, with intent and interest. Not needing to know what was in her head, because she would tell me. No deep analysis needed. No multiple thoughts within a split second as preparation for what might be said next to head off any dragons or ogres. Not having the answers was just as rewarding as having them. I like not having to constantly make eye contact during a story because I know they are listening. I disarmed myself by not feeling the need to analyse emotions, eyes, shifting, body language, I was comfortable with myself.
I left on that cold night warm and content inside and out. As I write the daily life anxieties start to return but for those two hours I had complete calm and a sense of self. It was beautiful. No expectations, no wants, just enjoying being there. It was her partly her childlike approach to dating that calmed me. It made me feel safe. I didn’t have to talk about sex, pop culture, or entertain. I just got to be me. I could stumble my words, say the wrong thing, and pause to form the words or never figure them out. It all felt comforting. That night was a good night. She opened up to me in an extremely vulnerable way and we could still carry on. Her eyes told an amazingly deep story and through the pain a deep love for herself and those around her.
The snow falling outside the windows on this “spring” evening may have contributed slightly to the mood as it was calming and slightly romantic, knowing we wouldn’t have to endure a WINTER again.
I don’t know if it was friendship or more but right then it was nice. It feels calm. And I like calm. I like being me. I like explaining the different aspects of life I have had a part in. Many people ask me so when did you fall in love with Photography. To me this is a very difficult question to answer. I don’t think there was ever a point. I am interested in many many things so even calling myself a photographer is hard for me sometimes even though it takes up 99.9 percent of my day. Ha. I just really enjoy things where I can interact with people and help to achieve things with them. Help them in their lives and mine gets brighter. When a character I direct a person toward then bleeds into their actual life and contributes positively, I have to call that a good day. But I am not a one trick pony, I can make a mean sauce, salad dressing, dance, sing, photograph, edit, travel, smile, laugh, cry, be sarcastic, and so much more. She seemed to understand the different aspects and enjoyed taking them all in as a first impression for a second time versus a one time “this is how it is”.
We sat, we continued talking and sharing. The snow continued falling. The food eventually coming, the bill no longer on the forefront, but a worthwhile expense toward the experience we just shared. And the last call, as we ended the night as it began… But before that, before even walking out those restaurant doors, into the blustery snowy spring night…
I liked the mutual understanding of our choices versus the judgements. I liked the outcome to not matter. I liked the good food. And I liked sitting with this person, menus down, for a good half hour before ordering.
Just as an update, we are still friends on social media, I hope she sees this, as I don’t think I ever directly shared. But as for us, as a couple, it wasn’t really considered. That evening was our romance, our love, our relationship. That night was how we were meant to interact in the universe and give each other a reprieve from what can be an overwhelming world of dating let alone overwhelming world in general.
