Even if it was just for a moment, I recently had everything the way I wanted it. And all cylinders of the brain were firing, all the right decisions were going to be made, and the future wasn’t even a concern.
Even if it was just for a moment.
It all started last night when I saw the outline of the TV, my kitties in my lap, and an affectionate head laid in that strange place without a proper name in between my neck and shoulder blade, the place that only a person can snuggle into filled with just that. On the table two glasses of Pinot Grigio contrasting on a dark wood coffee table, with a film of condensation frosting the glass, and on my legs stretched out relaxed two kitties dreaming away. That one outline could have made a painting or a shadow cutout or even the cover of a rental. And for that moment there was no worries of the future or decisions to be made. It was just a place to enjoy and stare at, the words of the movie jumbled by the simple perfection of an imperfect situation. It cleared my mind just long enough that when it ended my dreams followed with such a feeling of clarity.
Even if it was just for a moment.
My head hit the pillow and I slept through the night, waking up once to grab some water, which made waking up this morning much more comfortable. But my dreams were clear as if they grabbed every concern my life had for that moment where it didn’t matter. Because before I went to bed, it was clear that I was inspired again to get off my ass, go to the gym, and it was the right thing to be inspired.
Even if it was just for a moment.
I dreamt that I was at the gym and in true dream like fashion it didn’t work out so well(Although I called my trainer and told him I will be in tomorrow so we can live out my dreams, haha), but the time I woke up in my dream to get to the gym on time allowed me to get to the work, where we had just moved to a new castle and were having a ceremony where we all walked the hills in renaissance type outfits, horses and battle armament, but again my dream didn’t allow me to partake in the coolness that was built up and about to begin because I had to put down my bag, and by the time I returned it was over, but we had pictures and I got to look at them, and there for a second was the feeling of the person, because in my dreams real people never take on the roles of those that give me the feeling of love, but they pop in and out of bodies of people I know or people I have never seen, and together we had lunch and joked around until I was awake.
Even if it was just for a moment.
I just stepped outside and the wind was blowing at a certain speed where the sound of the air made a sound of perfection and calm. It was the noise that sooths you to stay, but then you see the pollen and dust flying and realize hmm my eyes are itching.
Even if it was just for a moment.
In that moment on the porch, thinking of everything that had just happened, I also had a strange realization that love, can diminish. It is strange to know you loved so strong and then be there when the love is not strong, sure you may have those feelings of love in the sense that you love them and always will, but it isn’t the romantic love, it isn’t the want to touch and be touched love, it is a diminished love, and feels quite weird. So perhaps that is just the difference between true love and just plain old text book love, because now that there was no stigma in the middle, that need to love harder, wasn’t there. (this part should not make sense to anyone btw, just a personal insight outloud) But I suppose the old saying, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, may be somewhat true, because in those moments captured on film or others here and there, those snippets of memories that usually make a movie script, that is where it lived the best and breathed life into the relationship, but like all movies, they end, and you can play them over and over again, until you understand just about every part of what worked and what didn’t. And I guess I have figured out and re-established the fact that yes, love was there, but it blanketed a very incompatible future. But hey,
Even if it was just for a moment.
So my last couple of days, in a matter of hours, became very clear and defined in my head, but as I begin to wake up more, the clarity is fading, the world is kicking in, and the fog of my own brain is starting to roll in again. But this has been a wonderful couple of hours…
…even if it was just for a moment.
