Time is really one of those strange unavoidable things, yet it has this enlightenment to it that can be absolutely stunning.
I guess I started to really think about how certain things in life can only become clear due to the performance of time the other day when I re-visited my college, and sat in on a class. The teacher that used to be one of my directors invited me to watch since I will be directing “The Fantasticks” in the next month, and I wanted to get a refresher and also pick his brain a bit. He was very inspirational to me.
Well sitting there watching the students interactions especially in the theatre department brought back some serious memories. I was immediately separated out as an outsider, because in theatre, everyone knows everyone, and usually greets each other with some sort of “socially” inappropriate hello. So the fact that I could not walk in and grab ass meant I was the new guy. That didn’t bother me, it was actually neat to see from the outside. Then there was points where my old director asked the class for feedback on the pieces they performed. I threw in a couple comments here and there and it was nice to see my years in the business actually paid off and my old teacher agreed with my critiques. He treated me as an equal. See but that was another example of where time was the only factor that could really validate that.
I called my mom after the class and explained to her what I had observed and how if I were back in that class with everything I had been through now, it would have been such a different experience. Sure there would be nerves and pressure, but the application of myself would be different. I think the first thing that changed my views on how to apply mysef was when I was at my old job and got my first cold. I realized that even though I was sick as a dog, I still had to go to work because people depended on me and deadlines didn’t change because I was sick. It was not like college where I could go to a class or two when I wanted and still be OK. It was MY projects and MY life that were determined by my presence. So you learn to really analyze how sick you TRULY are.
I mean this made sense to me when I was younger but it really rang true now when I could talk to my mom and say, I understand now, that you couldn’t have said ANYTHING to me to make me do it any differently and that only time, years, experience, could really show me what the difference between my opinions back then and yours were. Where you tried to help me because you had experienced the time between my experience and yours and how I would not be able to listen. That must be extremely frustrating.
When I talk to friends younger than me and try to explain my revelation or how I get the idea of time, I am still caught with resistance, quoting the idea of living through others experiences and being able to observe and learn from that, not needing to actually age to “know”. The same shit I used to say. While I agree there is something to be said about the person who learns from observation, and can steer their life directionally safe because they don’t need to experience EVERYTHING to know it won’t be a good fit is true, but there is something in my head that just CLICKED a couple years down the road. Something only TIME could have allowed for.
But that is also where time is a double sided blade that can cut deeply. As you age you realize your possibilities for certain things becomes less and less, yet you get this sort of enlightenment that you could now properly achieve these goals. That is some frustrating shit.
At the same time is makes it much easier to apply yourself properly to succeed.
I guess for me I am just pointing and shooting, reloading when need be, but if I am aimed at my target, I can just hope I eventually hit it even if my eyes are closed very tightly at times when firing. I can still hear, feel, and understand what is going on around me. So never blind but definitely scared.
Then there is the frustration of time that causes you to have to adapt to all these new ways of shit, for instance, meeting people, jesus, it is like a new world. I have had to shift a lot of my “PEOPLE” interactions to reading into the wording or length of a text message. I actually think I am getting pretty good at that haha. I can tell a lot from a text, usually I base it on how I would do it. And then I break it down from there. Basically I write too much, talk too much, and reveal too much too quickly, but that is me and I am ok with that. So the logic is to look at the things I do and compare it to people I am friends with, have dated, or whatever and compare contrast the words, phrasing, and quickness of texts. Oh yeah my phone is awesome and lets me see when ANYONE has read a text message, so that is a VERY revealing one… shit my secret is out haha.
But when someone calls me these days and prefers it, I am almost instantly in love haha. No not really. I think that is a big misconception of “getting to know” someone as well. Time has taught me that in order to really commit myself to anyone I need to get to know them deeper than OMG you are pretty or wow we have some things in common. I wanna know them, I wanna know how they are on an every day basis, because honestly the “dating period” is one of those “times” I wish would go away. I don’t need to see you at your best, I need to see you as you would be with your best friend or family. And I really need someone who is similar with both of those. I have one big personality that changes very little depending on who I am with. I kinda want someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to be like that. I don’t wanna pick up the phone to you and hear, “Hi baby” in a whispery voice, when I know if I was your Mom, you would be like HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!
So I guess that is another thing time allows you to do, you can figure out if a relationship is going to work MUCH quicker. And I don’t mean those unpredictable situations in life where you realize your best friend is now your g/f, I mean the I just met you and there are some obvious things due to the way my lifestyle is and the way yours is that makes us incompatible… and regardless of one person or the other beginning to like the other more, it won’t work in the long haul if you are true to yourself. And that stuff I find is easier to see now, because living life just MADE it that way. You just kinda get that gut feeling.
I learned well this year that I can have standards for what I am looking for because people do exist that do fit some criteria. However even if time has allowed me to see it quicker whether it will work or not, it still doesn’t make it easier to come out and say it won’t work out. I guess that is our need to find the best in people or love in general. But in the end, the things we say “That’s ok, its not a problem” can and usually turns into a problem if we are fully committed. Someone close to me said it kinda like that and it rang true. In the beginning it is easy to look past things, just make sure you look past the shit that REALLY isn’t a problem and you aren’t just looking past it to find something better.
I don’t really have standards for how a date should go or how someone should act. But I definitely look at this shit in a different way than I did 5 years ago. I still don’t look for a mold anymore, but I am open to the idea that I don’t have to settle for anything that isn’t more than what I would want from myself.
True, we only know ourselves the best, so we should base some of what we want on how we would act, otherwise, we will find a wall impenetrable.
I say it over and over, walls are for buildings, not people. So time has taught me working on the walls for too long eventually builds your own wall built out of the rubble of theirs. And then you have a very unfair power struggle in the relationship.
Some people are candid in their writing some people live by it 🙂 Although I do feel as though there should be a certain symmetry to them both. I think that is where people get lost in their approach, they pretend to a certain degree of who they are, and then that part of them is interpreted, which can never be interpreted right, because it is based on pretend in the first place, so then you end up with a cat and mouse chasing a dog.
So Tik Toc…
I hope I can at least be pointing in the right direction of life, happiness, friends, family, love, experience, before I turn around and say, wow, where has the time gone. I want to release a sigh of relief when I realize how much time has passed and know the closest people around me can smile too.
