Month: September 2007

A line from scrubs titles this blurb of my life. Between episodes I go outside press down on flint, I see the light from the fire hit the paper, the crinkle of burning paper resounds in my head from every movie where there is a closeup of someone smoking a cigarette. I often stare at the sky and think about many things outside in the air. First I take a moment to see how the day is, the weather, the mood, the feeling, how it feels like back home. I used to reflect back to home much more, now I consider this my home, I stand alone in my new home sometimes and just stop. I think wow, I am paying my bills, I am being paid, I am living my life, hmm maybe I should get a dentist appointment, hmm I need a physical. Things that hold true to a person on their own. I am not alone though, I have a loving family and friends. I left a lot back home but I have a lot here. But I digress, so I stand outside tonight and I think… like I think a lot, I have so much of my life in order right now then I go outside and regardless of the war movies where they smoke cigarettes or the cinematic presence it has, I am killing myself. Each drag I take each pack I buy I am asking for those helping hands on my shoulders to let go faster and faster.

I have this overwhelming sense that so much of my life could have been much worse and things could have turned wrong fast, but there was some hand on my shoulder saving me from a very bad path. I know I put effort and work into the stuff I love and the things I have excelled at but there is also this vast feeling that yes there is something that has helped you, saved you many many times and each time you smoke the cigarette you spit in its face. I was told this week that I am better with being able to stand up for myself than others, yet I look at it and think, excuse me I don’t do this as naturally as you think. I bust my hump for what I believe in and maybe if you took a moment to come out of the bubble you surround yourself in you would realize you just need to spread your efforts to all areas of your life and others sometimes. Hmmm talk about add I just saw the words err letters hitting the screen as I typed without looking at the keyboard and thought, that looks really cool lol… anywayyyy.. I know I want to quit, I know I have to but here I am holding onto this crutch. I sometimes think in this new environment in this new place called California and growing older I reached out during my time here and decided I need to hold onto my past. I need a connection to NY, I need a connection to my life before the panic attacks, I need to hold onto my life when I could drink or do drugs. I wanted sometimes still want the ability to do as I wish without caring. There was no mental block of sitting in a chair rocking back and forth freaking out because I smoked some pot or me needing to leave a party because when I drink the room begins to close in around me. I want to be able to just have ONE drink nowadays without having to worry about being depressed the next day because it reacts badly with the lowest does of Klonopin the drug that made it all better when I had panic attacks every second of my life. The drug I hate but know too that it may not be so bad because maybe it still does help. As we speak I cut the dose again because I feel it is starting to have a negative effect because of the lack of actually having the panic attacks without control as much. So without those poisons in my mind the drug fights against nothing causing me to feel weird. I also think it has to do with the cigarettes. So I held onto old relationships, old foods, and thoughts when I got here and I grabbed onto cigarettes hard because it doesn’t have a negative reaction on me as the drinking or drugs do now that used to not. Although the smokes do fuck me up and make me tired and feel like shit by the end of the day it is still not as much as the others making me almost unable to move. And the sad part it is in my head. But after not doing it so long I have adjusted and I love the fact that I don’;t do them, but what about the fact that for the longest time I thought that if I smoked pot here and there it brought me to a normal level of hyper activeness. Although sometimes dumbing down too much. I can make it make sense to myself by remembering the best times I had were in college when I did non of these. I didn’t even smoke. I was in the best shape of my life, yet somehow it is the hardest thing for me to quit smoking because of my weight, and perhaps this old tie. I went back to NY just recently and met with an old friend and realized when she said “We met when he was high” as to why I was not having fun this time and her life and my life were sooo completely different now that I had to excuse myself early, circumstances aside. An old tie to my old life put into the light. I think it also didn’t help when her friend said, how fucked up are you, and she replied with omg sooo fucked up and he said well here take a drag of this I plan to get you retarded fucked up awesome, or something along those lines. It is not the same when you are not DOING the stuff around you and you see it for what it makes people. It was like a room of people needing me to say, yes your new life is amazing and you totally changed and got out of the rut we called highschool, but I sat there disagreeing with the words I spouted out. But then I feel bad for judging their lives cause what makes mine soo much better they chose theirs as did I with mine. So my current problem, I smoke, I want to quit, I don’t want to gain weight, I want to quit, I want to eat, it allows me to eat without consequence, but the consequence may be beyond my control no matter how hard I work on it after it is too late. So is this just the next step to becoming who I am, another obstacle, a hurdle of sorts. Will those invisible saving hands have my back after I inevitably quit? Why is it I hold to this old fixation but the old fixation to work out and better my body is soo hard to do. Is it because of the idea that I didn’t follow the acting path in a matter of speaking and in this giant struggle of my mind where I fight what I lead myself to believe I would do to what I am doing and realizing omg, I think I may have been going after the wrong goal due to preconceived notions of what it meant in my head. Did working out and the constant struggle to look my best and lose the weight for a show in a matter of hours have an effect on me, definitely I cannot even see myself in a mirror I keep a record of photos. I can’t actually believe how much I love where I ended up and how much the old plan seems to have made sense in the fact that I didn’t follow it and I apply it to my life now in different ways. It was like when I directed my first play rather than acting. I was never more happy, comfortable in my life. Comfort scares me, it makes me think I am not growing and am getting too used to life, but who says that isn’t what life is meant to be comfortable instead of struggling for some American dream. But don’t get me wrong this comfort I talk of is not like omg I am sailing(hehe funny I just said that you will see why) aimlessly and without worry or challenge now with what I do and will turn into a cooperate potato. I am happy now with the choice, but obviously I will always have a question in my head as would anyone I suppose. But there is no doubt I ended up in the right place for here and now. It is just about being able to sort out NOW by figuring out how to fit in PAST. I have been working on it and I have come to conclusions of what I do is what I love, but currently I struggle with this damn smoke in my hand. Like my bills, my life, my writing, I decide when it is taken care of, however the world never stops spinning while I work it out. It is an interesting concept. Scary, but exciting. I go sailing tomorrow. That should be cool , never been on a sailboat before.

The sun stares at me, glaring strong.
An enemy perhaps, but just surface. Need more sunblock. . .
The wind rushes past my ears, my hands, the feeling as it curves over my arms, through my hair.
The glisten can be felt with a swipe of the hand.
Running from the hairline to the bottom of the neck, finally reaching the cloth.
This is the new life, this is a connection to the old life.
I just walked down the boardwalk with breeze and smell of water now I, home, my new home, travel it again.
But what I do realize is that this sun, this air, these smells, they will not dissipate with time, they stay year round.
Perhaps it is better than trying to grasp onto old seasons or old memories only to recognize they have changed.
One of the many thoughts that has caused me to race my heart and life down this path.
By path I can only mean it literally, the bisection of Warner Ave.

So what do I do as the music plays and the wheels beneath me spin rapidly, speed never constant.
I think.
I reminisce.
I think about the first day, the first steps off the plane from my get away.
My eyes saw familiar, friends, people I missed.
Then as quickly as I saw them I was off for an adventure.

A child looks at me strange as I roll by, I let my head stay stationary ahead of me but my eyes glare deeply at him through my sunglasses. Never seen a rollerblader asshole?

Back in mind, mind in hand. . .
An adventure it was.
What should I make of it?
At first it was just the beginning of an awkward first encounter.
No one quite sure if the other will approve of the other, yet both not seeming to care.
As the woods become creepy the moments become less sleepy.
Full of energy, full of life.

For the longest time I have said I would write in riddle in my poetry and stories, but I think this part of this needs to be clear. I went out that day with the intention of getting to know someone I knew was in no way open to any such courting due to circumstances in her life. I went to have fun, I went to see what there is out there in this world, in California. She being from NY made the California more acceptable. I thought obviously that I was physically attracted to this girl, but I also knew if anything ever were to happen I would need to make sure she were someone I could stand, someone who could stand me, that we could deal with each other’s flaws and each others made up flaws of ourselves. It was actually funny, I fell in love(and by that meaning I mean it in the least forever basis known) with the physical attributes that were not the normal this time. I actually enjoyed looking at the small scar under her chin, I was aware of the over abundance of makeup, I smelled it, it reminded me of previous times. I saw flaws but for some reason in my head this day, flaws mattered very little. Perhaps it was the fact that her lips drew me in, and for me a kiss can make a relationship.

So now that we have had our 10 minute size up, the night began. After the chicken adventure and looking at the funny pictures, we ended up just talking. And I was not the only one talking I listened for a couple hours as she poured much of her soul to me. I chimed in here and there and held in much to just absorb. Some ideas I disagreed some I agreed. Some were timely to object some were for another night. But the entire time I sat there, my mind regardless of flaws, imperfections, differences, similarities(which by the way are a strange conundrum, I feel as though if someone were too much like me it would ruin a relationship but for once I got the opposite feeling, especially because the similarities were so different they were strong), I was completely calm, the idea of a panic attack or perhaps having to use the bathroom and awkwardly stepping away never came to mind.

There was one sentence that hung out in the air for me to be able to trace it over and over, “I don’t know when I will be able to be with a guy again I need to be strong myself, but maybe a week or two I’ll be ok but that can all change.”
This did not hang because I yearned for it, but I wondered, with the massive amount of comfort, sharing, and connection we had at this level, imagine if there was a relationship to back it up. I know and I still know that if I push or if I spell it out too much, I will probably chase away something that could be really important in two lives, but just imagine. . . imagine the idea that both people know they care for each other, they are completely honest, they are committed to one another. With that out of the way when she told me things that meant soo much to her I could put an arm around her she could talk into my chest and I could run my hand through her hair. I felt that even looking up from my elbows on my knees into her eyes we were closer than physically shown.

Do I feel that perhaps after getting to know one another better we could go places, sure I do, but do I think there are problems caused by saying such things at this point, damn straight. I think that the fact that I showed that I had such a great night and how I really was into her I scared her away. I think she now has a pre conceived notion of what I want out of this.

In all honesty I would just want her as a friend right now, but do I think perhaps one day we may end up as a couple, I think it is highly possible. I never will admit the ability to see certain things and never want to, but for once I am going to say I have seen much further in the one night spent than I wanted to or ever have with anyone else before. And it felt good even though I felt many of the humps we would have to get over.

Does it make me strange to think so much in advance? Yeah maybe, but do I need to make this plan and hold to it? Absolutely not, this is just what has run through my mind. Everyone has an inner monologue, mine just created a beautiful story for once and hell if I wasn’t going to share. I called my best friend at work and just expressed the great time I had, and she said “She challenged you, and talked back?” and I said, “yes” simple. . ..

Perhaps my love of the European way of romance is my downfall. My want and need to get the truth on the table immediately. Maybe the fact that I come up with ideas even in a split second scares people, because they do not know that even if I came up with it, doesn’t mean it is my PLAN and it is NOT set in stone. Maybe I am too open? I like games, I like to yearn, but I also like to have that feeling that there is something to yearn for.

I made a pact a long time ago to stray away from cookie cutter molds and tests for girls to fit, I play it by ear, and I usually just look to have a fun night if anything at all.

So what can I say?
I don’t know, I am not in her head.
Am I not attractive to her? Possibly.
Regardless of the possibilities what is the thing that holds it back.
There are so many things feasible, for instance the recent breakup.
Is it strange that I think into the future that once the healing is done maybe I have a chance?
Maybe we have a chance. . .
I don’t know why but I just got this very intense experience from one night, and now I feel like if I don’t let it out the nights or days will be contrived with judgments and ideas untrue. I just want day to day, I just want to love life and have fun with my new friend. But I also want to be able to open about passing moments.

Am I stupid for posting this up?

Well if she does read it, I hope she see’s that this is all speculation and a moment in the sun rollerblading down the PCH in an environment unclear to me, feeling withdrawal from smoke signals, a glance at something possible. I would also hope she would ask questions and talk to me about it : )

Not something to strive for ever time we meet, nor a goal to strive for at the end of the day. Just something that is in my eye as the sun glimmers by. . .

The smell of the beach is becoming clearer.
I begin to pick up my pace.
I hit a street crossing button, so strange, usually I just cross like in NYC.
I hate waiting for the damn cars, I hate waiting, indeed… I don’t think i crosses the street early yet, although I am on the furtherest edge of the corner.
The moment is gone for now.
The clarity is strange.
I had a fun time on the boardwalk and now I will go shower.

-End.